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Original poster

Is this an emotional affair or am I going mad

270 replies

Gutted74 · 16/06/2018 12:54

Hi all just need a bit of input from you good people not sure if I'm over thinking things or not? I hope I am!!

Been married for nearly 18 years together for 25 since we were 17. We have 3 kids. Never had any problems with other people we've always been open and honest. I'm not a paranoid person by nature never have been and I love my SO to bits always have.

Anyway he has struck up a friendship with one of the neighbours, a nice looking single mother about 10-12 years younger than us. Didn't have a problem with that, her kids play outside and SO loves kids so had been playing with them outside along with our kids.

So a couple of months ago I was in the kitchen and his phone was charging there. Couldn't be bothered to get my phone so picked his up and because my internet app is in the same place as his WhatsApp I automatically pressed that. I was not snooping and have never checked his phone. Anyway top of the list was a message from the neighbour. As the message was.sent at midnight and im only human I opened it. Found shitloads of messages over 2 or 3 weeks, 20 or 30 a day I'd say. I went through them and to be fair not one of them was inappropriate in any way, just general chit chat and banter through the day but there were an awful lot of them. This raised a red flag cos he knows I'm ok with opposite sex friendships cos I trust him. So why didn't he mention them? I asked him and he said he knew he should have done but when he realised how many there were he said he didn't know how to tell me.becsuse it looked dodgy even though it wasn't. Ok so I then tell him look I trust you can u just please calm then down, calm the friendship down. He said ok I understand of course I will. Thank u for trusting me I won't let you down. I know I should have told him to cut the friendship there and then but I want to trust him and don't want to be one of those paranoid possessive wives!!

Now I haven't checked his phone since. He has offered it to me but I didn't see the point as he can always delete messages right?

I know he still sees her sometimes but not quite sure how much as I work away from the area and he works here so has plenty of opportunity if he wants.

Now anf again he has borrowed a hedge trimmer and and also haor clippers from her. Relevant or not who knows!! Anyway bearing in mind I asked him to calm down the friendship I notice out of the window today her front door is open. 10 mins later my husband appears from her house, disappears round the corner to the garages with her for a couple of.mins then comes back to our house. I don't say anything but he notices I'm annoyed about something although I say it's nothing. Also bear in mind a few weeks ago she told him she doesn't let any other man into her house because of her children. He hadn't been in her house at that point. He doesn't mention that he was there.

I really don't believe for one minute that he's being unfaithful but I am very concerned he's getting too emotionally connected to her. Maybe I am turning into that paranoid wife after all? I don't know.

I just have a funny gut feeling about all of this and I really don't know if it's actually my problem or I should be concerned. He has never hidden anything from me before in 25 years and never given me cause for concern. Maybe this is paranoia because I've never had to experience anything like this before? This is what in hoping but I really would like your input as I haven't spoken to anyone about this I I just don't know if it's me or not.

I'd be grateful for any responses I just worried I guess

OP posts:
JuicySwan · 18/06/2018 13:41

He’s shagging her or wants to and thinks it’ll be easier if you two are apart.

Wenospeak · 18/06/2018 14:27

Yes he thinks he’s got a licence to try her out now

Gemini69 · 18/06/2018 14:42

it's interesting that he walks out on this 25 year relationship.... because he wants to innocently natter to the women across the road.... Piss Off Hmm I'm sorry OP.. but he's a lying bastard.. I'll bet he's already round at hers... Flowers

wishywashy6 · 18/06/2018 14:54

Hope you're ok OP

Keep talking as that will help you get your thoughts in order

Whatever happens try not to let your anger make you make rash decisions.

I went through quite a messy break up with my ex (basically after a 14 year relationship I ended things. He was blissfully unaware of how unhappy I was and I felt there was no fixing it) We are absolutely fine now and co parent very well but at the time his anger and hurt made things very difficult.

Take each day step by step and feel free to ask anything

Be kind to yourself x

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 18/06/2018 15:10

Do not let him think its a trial separation - if he leaves it's for good. Or he will think he is in control and you are the mug sitting hoping he graces you with his return.
Fuck that.
He has guilt written all over him.

ChocoholicsAsylum · 18/06/2018 15:20

So sorry to read this and we clearly all feel angry for you. Why havent you went round to this bitches! Id be going for her she knows!

Pessismistic · 18/06/2018 15:38

Hi gutted I’m sorry to read your latest posts he has certainly changed his attitude going from friends to needing to split after 25 years. I agree with the others no trial separation where is his respect & loyalty to you? I couldn’t forgive this he is basically choosing the alleged friendship over you and his kids that’s awful sending hugs.

ChocoholicsAsylum · 18/06/2018 15:38

And What the fuck is he doing adding an ex on Facebook for??

Lizzie48 · 18/06/2018 16:02

It's not necessarily a big issue adding an ex on Facebook. I've got a couple of exes as Facebook friends; I haven't seen either of them in years. One of them was a mate long after we broke up, and my DH was always aware that we used to exchange birthday and Christmas cards. He was a bit irritated at first, especially when my ex signed his card with 3 kisses, but he soon realised that there was nothing in it.

We certainly didn't exchange any text messages, though, just occasionally liked each other's posts.

It has stopped now (he's got married himself, which I was very happy to discover on Facebook.

The key thing is openness, I think.

Loopylou6 · 18/06/2018 16:04

Yes, now he can pull the 'we were on a break' card

Anasnake · 18/06/2018 16:18

Don't give in to any of that 'trial separation' bollocks. He just wants to see if he can take it further with the neighbour and if it doesn't work out he can come back to you.

tabularasa35 · 18/06/2018 16:36

I understand your situation more than I want. I was there 3 years ago. Common friend who was a single mom, I found loads of messages but nothing inappropriate. But look at the facts not the words. In my case, message at 8am on new year asking about resolutions (some hours show too much trust), "happy day time savings" (staff!? He just needed to write to her).

Of course I was also paranoid. Once I asked him to stop the messaging they switched to email and he put a filter so they didn't get to his phone. It was only after he left me that I checked the phone bill with 1 hour calls every morning after leaving the house and every afternoon before returning. It happens that they were also meeting for coffee in secret. We saw her every day at school plus had a group thing together every Friday and a playdate at our house every weekend (he would get mad qnd call me antisocial if I wanted to rest - I was heavily pregnant). Another clue were the photos of our kids. My DD was barely I
them, the OW daughter was the focus of them all Shock and she was very attached to him too 🚨🚨🚨 but hey "the poor girl didn't have a father" Angry In the end, he left me at 9 months pregant. I didn't want to believe he was having an affair. Nobody wants to believe it. It is easier to think you are making it up and been unreasonable. But use your mind, not your heart. He is having an affair.

Slundle · 18/06/2018 16:59

@Gutted74 I'm really so so sad for you. What an awful outcome. I can understand why you couldn't go in to work. Maybe when the dust has settled, you could write your husband a letter? I know I don't know much about your marriage but if it was a healthy, good marriage before this, I'd love to think ye could somehow salvage it when anger has abated. That said, he does need to step up to the plate. It's almost like he didn't want to be answerable to you...but he's your husband! There are certain actions a person forfeits when they marry...I'm just so sorry to hear it has come this far and I hope you can find strength in the coming days. Flowers

SuperSuperSuper · 18/06/2018 17:00

Don't agree to a "trial separation". You'd be giving him carte blanche to try her out to see if she's better than you. You deserve better.

Thebluedog · 18/06/2018 17:21

I would t be giving him a trial separation either, that’s his way of keeping a foot in the door of it doesn’t work out with the neighbour. He really needs to understand d and appreciate that he’s finishing and leaving a 25 yr relationshi.

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 18/06/2018 18:51

You’ve done nothing wrong, his reaction has guilt written all over it.

I’m so sorry op Flowers

flashnazia · 18/06/2018 19:32

Sort out your finances quick.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 19/06/2018 07:24

Hope you are okay

loudaloneknows · 19/06/2018 07:53

Sounds like you're the one who is used to supporting everyone else OP but please reach out to your family. You need support too and I'm sure they'll be willing to be there for you despite everything else going on.

I've been going through some relationship difficulties and my sister is going through a divorce. Like you I didn't want to burden her with my stuff at a difficult time but actually we've been able to support each other.

Alfiemoon1 · 19/06/2018 08:28

Thinking of you op

wishywashy6 · 19/06/2018 09:12

Agree with @loudaloneknows

My sister separated from her husband shortly after I split with mine and she didn't want to burden me with all her stuff to begin with. But once she opened up we both found it a massive help to each other so please don't hold back from the people you need to love and support you.

It does sound like you put everyone else first, time to put yourself first for a bit and reach out

tabularasa35 · 19/06/2018 15:13

You need to have a cold head now. The trial separation takes him out of the house? If so, you will have more space and time to prepare your documents and legal action, giving you certain advantage in the process.

During the uncertainty time of my relationship my XH went to get legal advice. He was way ahead of me but he made a mistake, he paid with our credit card. Once I saw it, I got my own advice, paid cash, gathered passports, birth certificates... and by the time he thought I was non the wiser and tried to hit hard he was the one who got a surprise Wink

MakeTeaNotWar · 20/06/2018 17:20

How are you @Gutted74 ?

Original poster
Gutted74 · 20/06/2018 18:10

@MakeTeaNotWar I'm ok I guess thank you. He didn't leave in the end. Trying to explain to him what being too emotionally attached to someone actially.means and I swear he just doesn't get it. Don't know if it's a man thing generally or just him.

He did say to me that he will end the friendship. I just didn't reply. He shouldn't need me to tell him what the right thing to do is..... I'm playing it by ear at the moment but tbh I think it's made me see.him differently, not sure if my feelings are actually changing for.him or I'm still just angry. Time will tell. Thanks again for all your comments x

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 20/06/2018 18:23

That's very interesting. I think he was expecting you to back down and apologise and say the friendship was all ok after all, and then was wrong footed when it looked like you would actually let him walk out. So now you know you have more power in this situation than you thought. He is hoping he can get away without you having perfectly reasonable boundaries - don't let him.