Is this an emotional affair or am I going mad

[Gutted74]

Hi all just need a bit of input from you good people not sure if I'm over thinking things or not? I hope I am!!

Been married for nearly 18 years together for 25 since we were 17. We have 3 kids. Never had any problems with other people we've always been open and honest. I'm not a paranoid person by nature never have been and I love my SO to bits always have.

Anyway he has struck up a friendship with one of the neighbours, a nice looking single mother about 10-12 years younger than us. Didn't have a problem with that, her kids play outside and SO loves kids so had been playing with them outside along with our kids.

So a couple of months ago I was in the kitchen and his phone was charging there. Couldn't be bothered to get my phone so picked his up and because my internet app is in the same place as his WhatsApp I automatically pressed that. I was not snooping and have never checked his phone. Anyway top of the list was a message from the neighbour. As the message was.sent at midnight and im only human I opened it. Found shitloads of messages over 2 or 3 weeks, 20 or 30 a day I'd say. I went through them and to be fair not one of them was inappropriate in any way, just general chit chat and banter through the day but there were an awful lot of them. This raised a red flag cos he knows I'm ok with opposite sex friendships cos I trust him. So why didn't he mention them? I asked him and he said he knew he should have done but when he realised how many there were he said he didn't know how to tell me.becsuse it looked dodgy even though it wasn't. Ok so I then tell him look I trust you can u just please calm then down, calm the friendship down. He said ok I understand of course I will. Thank u for trusting me I won't let you down. I know I should have told him to cut the friendship there and then but I want to trust him and don't want to be one of those paranoid possessive wives!!

Now I haven't checked his phone since. He has offered it to me but I didn't see the point as he can always delete messages right?

I know he still sees her sometimes but not quite sure how much as I work away from the area and he works here so has plenty of opportunity if he wants.

Now anf again he has borrowed a hedge trimmer and and also haor clippers from her. Relevant or not who knows!! Anyway bearing in mind I asked him to calm down the friendship I notice out of the window today her front door is open. 10 mins later my husband appears from her house, disappears round the corner to the garages with her for a couple of.mins then comes back to our house. I don't say anything but he notices I'm annoyed about something although I say it's nothing. Also bear in mind a few weeks ago she told him she doesn't let any other man into her house because of her children. He hadn't been in her house at that point. He doesn't mention that he was there.

I really don't believe for one minute that he's being unfaithful but I am very concerned he's getting too emotionally connected to her. Maybe I am turning into that paranoid wife after all? I don't know.

I just have a funny gut feeling about all of this and I really don't know if it's actually my problem or I should be concerned. He has never hidden anything from me before in 25 years and never given me cause for concern. Maybe this is paranoia because I've never had to experience anything like this before? This is what in hoping but I really would like your input as I haven't spoken to anyone about this I I just don't know if it's me or not.

I'd be grateful for any responses I just worried I guess

Of course men and women can be friends, one of my best friends is a bloke.

Difference is, my DH doesn’t feel threatened because he knows I love him to bits and I’m not giving nearly as much time and effort to my friendship as I am to my marriage.

sailorcherries I agree which is why I haven't spoken to her about it. Ive already told him my problem is with him. My dh is the one I'm so annoyed with for failing to take my feelings into account. I'm not a paranoid person have never had a problem with him being friends with other women. My best mate at school was a boy! I've just got alarm bells ringing with this friendship. I honestly don't think he would have an affair with her but emotionally I think he's in deeper than even he realises. For the past 25 yrs he has been a decent husband and I don't think he can see what damage he's doing, either that or he's not admitting it to himself. And I'm so frustrated he's bring such a dickhead.

Gutted I didn't mean you, it's clear to see that you are annoyed with him because of his actions.
I remember being much younger and my then boyfriend cheated on me. My friends were furious with the girl, "how could she?" 'Girl loyalty' and all that shit. I never once got annoyed with her, she never cheated on me.

Your husband is being incredibly dense about the whole situation and it could well be that he himself is unsure of his feelings/the territory he is now in. If he has never acted this way before, or had a younger woman respond in such a way, it could be that he is enjoying the attention but too embarrassed to actually admit it/realise it to someone else.

It may also be that he feels somewhat responsible for the children if he has been told that he is thought highly of by them.

My fiance was in a similar position - a girl in another office of his old job was going through a tough time and divorcing her husband (I use girl as they were both 20). She met my fiance briefly, if their paths crossed during working hours (driving) with one office being in Scotland and the other in England; or at training.
She innocently started messaging him, or innocently to him, using him as an outlet source. He tried to be a nice friend and help her through the issues, offering her advice from the male perspective. This then turned to her falling for him and bordering on inappropriate. My fiance (boyfriend at the time), was too scared of hurting her feelings at this hard time to call her out on it and then felt stuck between a rock and a hard place - not wanting to upset her mental health more and not wanting to upset me. He eventually spoke to me and did cut ties with the girl, after admitting he liked being asked his opinion and feeling helpful/valuable but then getting in too deep. He never crossed any boundaries and started off with good intentions.
Your husband may well be enjoying the attention and feeling conflicted about it; enjoying the ego boost but worried about your reaction resulting in the outburst.

I agree with so much of what you say! When I found the texts I said exactly that to him, that it was an ego boost for him (at my expense). But then a couple of weeks later I said to him I think you like her more than you are letting on and he went mad saying how could I think that and whats the matter with me. To me that rang alarm bells. Why not just sit me down and reassure me, that's all i really needed, instead he gets angry, or rather defensive! And it's like he doesn't know what to say to me anymore. Whenever we're together we're fine with a bit of small talk but that seems to be it. I'm feeling a bit invisible to him tbh

I also don’t blame her as I don’t think she even realises he deletes only her messages and lies to me about contact with her I totally blame dh for this mess. I also agree people of the opposite sex can be friends dh has other female friends and I have no problems with it because it’s kept all above board and at a reasonable level of contact I am also not saying all men don’t get emotional affairs I am saying my dh doesn’t which is true his is a very black and white unemotional person very laid back person I on the other hand and the opposite I read between the lines over think things

It’s a grey area really emotional affair or a friendship?

Gutted74
I would invite her for a cup of coffee or whatever or if you your DC's are over there playing, have a casual chat with her and explain to her that your DH has a massive crush on her and what other information you want to give or not.
I bet she will be mortified as she probably doesn't have a clue.
I rented a room many moons ago in a married couples house. Within a couple of months he knocked on my bedroom door to give me some mail and after a chattering for e bit he declared his love for me when his wife was out at work.
I ran for the hills. It was awful. I don't know whether his dw knew but I have a feeling she did. They had an adorable 2 yo ds. I was young. But I knew to run.

She has no loyalty to the OP, she doesn't know her from Adam and, frankly, it isn't her job to police someone else's marriage.

Maybe not.
But it's just common decency.
Look how much trouble this is causing.
She should be developing a support net work with female friends.
And if she looking for a new father figure for her children , then a single man.
When I was a single mum married men were coming out the wood work.
I soon told them where to go.
I was very lonely though and would have been so easy..,.,
I did have a friend ship with a neighbor for about a year but he was single.
He did want more and in the end I set him up with one of my divorce friends.

Gutted my kids our kids don’t play together she was previously at our stables but has left now
I think your suggestion might be a good idea for yourself could you explain to her you are feeling uncomfortable with the amount of time your dh is spending there. I wish I had done that in the beginning it might of stopped all the drama that has gone on over the last 2 years lol

Sorry I misread monty post and thought gutted was suggesting I meet up with her for coffee note to myself don’t post on Mumsnet when half asleep lol

@Robin233 to be fair to her when they first became friends she did mention will your wife mind us talking i dont want to cause problems but dh told her that I was fine about it (as I said above I don't hv a problem with opposite sex friendships as such) so for all I know she probably still thinks the same. I can't see that he would have told her anything different since tbh. And as far as I know she hasn't got any friends around here. They are both so stupid because if he had introduced me to her back when they first got talking we could have been friends too as I don't really have any friends round here either.

This reminds of a friend of dh.
This man was having affair and one day he came home to find his wife and ow having a cosy coffee together.
They did in fact become friends.
I'd get yourself round there.
Sounds like you're both lonely.
Girl power :)

If they just friends, surely you would have got an introduction. Dont like the sound of this....his a man and they are all the bloody same! Sorry I dont mean for it to sound like that, but one text is enough, why cant she come over and have a nice cup of tea and conversation with both of you if she is looking for company. Sorry but I think we have all heard how this ends!

Don’t know If it’s this thread or the fact I’ve had a couple of triggers recently but i took ds to an activity yesterday dh went on WhatsApp within minutes of me leaving logical thinking he works night his phone was charging so probably checked it before he went to bed but I don’t always think logically given the situation so I politely asked him if it was her he had messaged after getting narky he explained it was my sister and that he hasn’t seen her or spoken to her and has no intention of doing so. I should of course be happy but I am dying to know why. He has previously stated that even if I divorce him as I previously have threatened he would still be friends with her so I presume it’s her decision to cut contact

I would let your Dh husband know very clearly how you are feeling about his friendship with other woman . If he continues to pay her a lot of attention he is in my opinion being inconsiderate towards you . It might be completely innocent but if its upsetting you then he should reign it in for the sake of your feelings and your relationship.

I think you should introduce yourself to the woman. See how friendly she is. Or whether she is wary. That will give you an indication of travel.

I think this is a very good idea .

I think it’s a good idea as well

Thanks everyone yes I think I'm going to do that! She's away tihs week and in the meantime dh.and I have been talking about things ALOT. I finally.feel we have a bit of a breakthrough but ehennshe comes back I shall be introducing myself and not waiting for.to do it for me!! Feeling a bit stronger mentally now too, so fingers crossed x

Well done
That feeling is confidence in yourself.
Keep it.
Sounds very positive :)

Well done OP. Taking back control is a good idea. In these situations it’s so hard not to constantly be thinking about it all. I would just do it and not say anything about your decision to your DH. It would give him time to find reasons why you shouldn’t do it. And he needs to feel a bit uncomfortable now. Seeing a situation unfold that he wasn’t expecting will perhaps reach him far more than you trying to explain to him how you feel about it all.