Is this an emotional affair or am I going mad

[Gutted74]

Hi all just need a bit of input from you good people not sure if I'm over thinking things or not? I hope I am!!

Been married for nearly 18 years together for 25 since we were 17. We have 3 kids. Never had any problems with other people we've always been open and honest. I'm not a paranoid person by nature never have been and I love my SO to bits always have.

Anyway he has struck up a friendship with one of the neighbours, a nice looking single mother about 10-12 years younger than us. Didn't have a problem with that, her kids play outside and SO loves kids so had been playing with them outside along with our kids.

So a couple of months ago I was in the kitchen and his phone was charging there. Couldn't be bothered to get my phone so picked his up and because my internet app is in the same place as his WhatsApp I automatically pressed that. I was not snooping and have never checked his phone. Anyway top of the list was a message from the neighbour. As the message was.sent at midnight and im only human I opened it. Found shitloads of messages over 2 or 3 weeks, 20 or 30 a day I'd say. I went through them and to be fair not one of them was inappropriate in any way, just general chit chat and banter through the day but there were an awful lot of them. This raised a red flag cos he knows I'm ok with opposite sex friendships cos I trust him. So why didn't he mention them? I asked him and he said he knew he should have done but when he realised how many there were he said he didn't know how to tell me.becsuse it looked dodgy even though it wasn't. Ok so I then tell him look I trust you can u just please calm then down, calm the friendship down. He said ok I understand of course I will. Thank u for trusting me I won't let you down. I know I should have told him to cut the friendship there and then but I want to trust him and don't want to be one of those paranoid possessive wives!!

Now I haven't checked his phone since. He has offered it to me but I didn't see the point as he can always delete messages right?

I know he still sees her sometimes but not quite sure how much as I work away from the area and he works here so has plenty of opportunity if he wants.

Now anf again he has borrowed a hedge trimmer and and also haor clippers from her. Relevant or not who knows!! Anyway bearing in mind I asked him to calm down the friendship I notice out of the window today her front door is open. 10 mins later my husband appears from her house, disappears round the corner to the garages with her for a couple of.mins then comes back to our house. I don't say anything but he notices I'm annoyed about something although I say it's nothing. Also bear in mind a few weeks ago she told him she doesn't let any other man into her house because of her children. He hadn't been in her house at that point. He doesn't mention that he was there.

I really don't believe for one minute that he's being unfaithful but I am very concerned he's getting too emotionally connected to her. Maybe I am turning into that paranoid wife after all? I don't know.

I just have a funny gut feeling about all of this and I really don't know if it's actually my problem or I should be concerned. He has never hidden anything from me before in 25 years and never given me cause for concern. Maybe this is paranoia because I've never had to experience anything like this before? This is what in hoping but I really would like your input as I haven't spoken to anyone about this I I just don't know if it's me or not.

I'd be grateful for any responses I just worried I guess

This is me 15 months ago. DH was spending too much time with a neighbour (times i didnt always know about) and i felt it was an emotional affair, although nothing physical happened.
Initially he gaslighted me, told me i was mad, that he'd leave if i couldnt trust him, basically denied denied denied.

He eventually admitted he had got too close to her, was discussing things he shouldn't have, enjoyed the rush and all that ballony. Had i not confronted him, i think things would have progressed further.

We had lots of arguments and he eventually saw why what he was doing was so wrong and so destructive. Initially he tried to tell me it was just another friendship!

The first step is let him realise you are willing to lose the marriage if he cannot accept the truth and admit what he's been doing.
He will then either see sense and you can work through it, or it's not worth saving.

Its not easy but a year later, i finally feel we are happy and heading to a bright future

Well that's it it's over. He came back we had another blazing row. He absolutely refuses to see my side.

@Girlonatrain2 I wish my husband was as reasonable as yours. I'm truly heartbroken now. Couldn't go to work today. I really can't explain how bad I feel. It's not even as though I have anyone to talk to apart from you guys my heads in a mess

If he can't see your side he really isn't worth it and did he come back thinking you had gone to work?

Tell him to go to his NDN if she is that special it's worth ruining his relationship for. As for adding his ex? He sounds a but full of himself and comfortable with you just being the "cool wife" His comfort has been ripped from him and he doesn't like it!

So sorry you’re going through this OP

But he IS at fault here. Anyone who loves you would put your thoughts and feelings first over a ‘froendahip’. OP please let him go, pack a bag for him and kick him out. Hopefully the cold, hard realisation will kick him up the arse and he will see what he’s doing and how horrid his behaviour is

So has he left then?? Is he packing his bags?????

Sorry to say it but he checked out your marriage weeks ago, as as usual, it’s the wife that knows last.

Your husband is a complete dick. He can’t see your side???????? Is e willing to continue having a relationship with this woman who lives in the same street as you, rubbing it in your face and your kids’ face???????? What a prick!

If he is apparently prepared to leave over you saying it’s wrong to spend father’s day with the next door kids, not your own, and with the next door woman, not you, then there is something bigger going on for sure. Call his bluff, start saying okay so how will we work this, when will you leave, would you like to pack alone or with help, where are you planning on staying, when shall we tell the kids.

Stand up for yourself, drive the reality of the new situation home. He’s taking you both for granted and for a muG.

I've already done most of whats been suggested i.e. obviously your friendship is more important blah blah. And yet as I said further up I don't think he is having an affair my issue is he didn't take my feelings into account with the texts. He said but I told you I was sorry blah blah. He doesn't get how insecure it made me and yes jealous too. He wants a trial separation anyway he's made that clear anyway. Much as I truly don't want to I think I should just let him go. And it is even hard for me to write that let alone the realities of it

My post disappeared again.

Just wanted to say thank you again to each and every one of you that has taken the time to respond/give advice. It has helped me to feel a little less alone even though I don't know you. Thank you x

I am so sorry OP - you sound devastated and I am not surprised. If you can, try to be angry because he is having an affair OP - an emotional affair is still a betrayal. You clearly asked him to reduce contact with the neighbour but her pull on him was so strong that only yesterday you found him in her house. So whether he wanted it to become physical/it has become physical or he was just enjoying the flirting/ego boost - he HAS betrayed you.

This is why he is so furious. He is frustrated at being 'pulled up' because he was liking things just how they were - happy families in one house and a bit of a thrill in the other. He wasn't really to give up either and you have forced his hand. At this moment the thrill element is so intoxicating that he has 'chosen' that over his family - the defensive anger is absolute confirmation of guilt as far as I have experienced.

He is a selfish dick who is following all the usual patterns and only you can decide how to move forward. But until you do, hugs to you and be sure to talk to friends and family in RL if you can.

suewallies linking to cults and love spells is possibly the most unhelpful response I have ever seen in my10 years of Mumsnet.

I'm so sorry to hear it's come to this OP, you deserve so much better. I wish you lots of strength and am sending lots of virtual hugs as you sound like you need them.

This is so awful, he’s already in too deep if he’s willing to destroy his family over her. I’m so sorry for you. My only advice don’t be sad for long get angry.

@Slightlyjaded I am devastated. I haven't really got anyone to talk to. I can't talk to my mum as my brother is having relationship problems and she's really worried about him. I can't do that to her too. My brother has been off loading his relationship problems on to me too which of course I don't mind so I can't bother him either. I guess what will be will be x

Hugs xx

Gutted just to say that you can talk here as much as you need to and we will try to help all we can. Do you have a friend you could call? Sometimes the hardest part is keeping the 'bright and breezy' going for the sake of the DC when you are breaking inside - it can really help to share with someone in RL. I understand you don't want to overburden your mum but you know (being a mother) that love is not finite and I am sure she'd want to know you were going through a hard time.

How have you left things with your H? Is he even prepared to admit that he has feelings for this other woman? Or is it all supposedly down to you be a jealous bitch ...?

I find this totally bizarre. So great relationship and you pull him up on a friendship and he wants to seperate?? That is crazy, you have three kids. The EA or physical affair must be much further along that you had suspected from him to throw away his family. I think you have to let him go, I don't see any other way and hopefully he will come to his senses but I'm not sure how you come back from this. I would also think there is no question it has moved beyond the EA element

I'm sorry but his reaction is total bullshit. Massive projection on his part to cover up something.

You have done absolutely nothing wrong. All your concerns regarding to this friendship are very valid. His response is shocking and unnecessary. I am so sorry for you to go through this. As the whole thing has developed so rapidly, I feel you probably need a bit time to process what have happened and what to do next. Don't rush to do anything from your part just yet. Take your time. I know It is easy for me to say it, but sometime do nothing is the best.

Sorry he's turned on you like this OP. Has he gone again? Has he actually packed up for this 'trial separation'?

Mine was not reasonable either and also threatened time out / split up / etc etc
So i moved into the guest room and said yep fine, done. But we're doing this amicably for the sake of the kids. Moving out due to anger is not the way. We wll live together and we parent.
I then stayed away from him and lived my life. After a few days we talked and over the coming months things sorted out slowly.
Please dont give up, this is the immediate aftereffects but it will calm down.
As long as you are confident its just an emotional affair (which you can move on from) and you are sure that you want to fix this, pls just wait it out. I know many would have ended their marriage had they been in my shoes. Horses for courses

So sorry op he sounds like a dickhead

Agreed with girlonatubettain
Stay put and keep calm.
Anger does have its place but you can't think straight in a place of anger. And you need your witts about you now.
He's had his head turned but the grass isn't greener.
Let things settle and then see if he's willing talk about what's really wrong.
Is he depressed?
Sometimes life gets so busy things just cost along.
But need to talk to find out why he 'thinks' he needs this distraction.

You did nothing wrong. He is completely overreacting, not taking your side and jumping to really extreme measures. Something is not right.

I feel so sad for you and your children Gutted . This is no friendship, whatever your husband claims. What sort of friendship involves a woman texting another woman's husband at midnight, and him scuttling around to hers when you and the children are distracted with cooking? What sort of friendship involved lies by omission and deception? What was his excuse for sneaking off to see her on FATHER'S DAY while HIS children were cooking HIM a meal!? They are emotionally bonding right under your nose, while he decides whether he wants you or her. I'm so angry on your behalf - another family wrecked by a selfish dick.