Is this an emotional affair or am I going mad

[Gutted74]

Hi all just need a bit of input from you good people not sure if I'm over thinking things or not? I hope I am!!

Been married for nearly 18 years together for 25 since we were 17. We have 3 kids. Never had any problems with other people we've always been open and honest. I'm not a paranoid person by nature never have been and I love my SO to bits always have.

Anyway he has struck up a friendship with one of the neighbours, a nice looking single mother about 10-12 years younger than us. Didn't have a problem with that, her kids play outside and SO loves kids so had been playing with them outside along with our kids.

So a couple of months ago I was in the kitchen and his phone was charging there. Couldn't be bothered to get my phone so picked his up and because my internet app is in the same place as his WhatsApp I automatically pressed that. I was not snooping and have never checked his phone. Anyway top of the list was a message from the neighbour. As the message was.sent at midnight and im only human I opened it. Found shitloads of messages over 2 or 3 weeks, 20 or 30 a day I'd say. I went through them and to be fair not one of them was inappropriate in any way, just general chit chat and banter through the day but there were an awful lot of them. This raised a red flag cos he knows I'm ok with opposite sex friendships cos I trust him. So why didn't he mention them? I asked him and he said he knew he should have done but when he realised how many there were he said he didn't know how to tell me.becsuse it looked dodgy even though it wasn't. Ok so I then tell him look I trust you can u just please calm then down, calm the friendship down. He said ok I understand of course I will. Thank u for trusting me I won't let you down. I know I should have told him to cut the friendship there and then but I want to trust him and don't want to be one of those paranoid possessive wives!!

Now I haven't checked his phone since. He has offered it to me but I didn't see the point as he can always delete messages right?

I know he still sees her sometimes but not quite sure how much as I work away from the area and he works here so has plenty of opportunity if he wants.

Now anf again he has borrowed a hedge trimmer and and also haor clippers from her. Relevant or not who knows!! Anyway bearing in mind I asked him to calm down the friendship I notice out of the window today her front door is open. 10 mins later my husband appears from her house, disappears round the corner to the garages with her for a couple of.mins then comes back to our house. I don't say anything but he notices I'm annoyed about something although I say it's nothing. Also bear in mind a few weeks ago she told him she doesn't let any other man into her house because of her children. He hadn't been in her house at that point. He doesn't mention that he was there.

I really don't believe for one minute that he's being unfaithful but I am very concerned he's getting too emotionally connected to her. Maybe I am turning into that paranoid wife after all? I don't know.

I just have a funny gut feeling about all of this and I really don't know if it's actually my problem or I should be concerned. He has never hidden anything from me before in 25 years and never given me cause for concern. Maybe this is paranoia because I've never had to experience anything like this before? This is what in hoping but I really would like your input as I haven't spoken to anyone about this I I just don't know if it's me or not.

I'd be grateful for any responses I just worried I guess

I think you need to find out why they felt the need to get each other's numbers.

How did it start?

Did he deliver her sex toys and banter started over that? Or big items that needed built up where he offered to help?

If he genuinely liked her as a friend he should've had no qualms about introducing you to each other from the outset.

The fact he's kept his friendship with her secret means to me that he's wanting to keep her to himself.

How he handles this will tell you everything you need to know about where he puts your feelings on his priority list.

Blimey, she's really going against all the rules of being a good neighbour. I would be very worried if I were you, OP. I think she sees him as a potential partner.

How come he didn't tell you at the time she was messaging him? I would be furious to know my husband was messaging a neighbour at midnight like that. Where is he when he's doing that? In bed with you?

I agree it's weird he even has her number in the first place. She lives next door, why do they need to be in frequent contact? Oh that's right - they don't. I'd tell him to cut the bullshit out and not treat you like a doormat. I'd also go and tell her to back off.

".... she doesn't know me only my SO..."

Well she should now - she is disturbing You texting Your OH at midnight.

Serious lack of boundaries there OP - let her know you are onto this.

You say, "SO loves kids so had been playing with them outside along with our kids."

When you say SO, do you mean your husband? Surely your kids are older now if you've been together 25 years - is your husband really playing outdoors with them? I don't understand this at all.

@HollowTalk I think it's that he was playing with the neighbour's kids....

But she says "alongside our kids." Everyone is very friendly in our street but none of the husbands play outside with the neighbours' children.

My exh started getting closer with a mutual friend. Lots of texts etc. She never contacted me, only him. I became suspicious. It did develop into a full blown affair in the end. He of course kept denying it and telling me I was daft.

Trust your gut I say. It's not appropriate. If she was a mutual friend and popped in to see you both etc, maybe I'd feel differently.

I'm surprised she doesn't feel her messages and having him over at hers alone is inappropriate. It's a red flag as far as I'm concerned. But maybe I'm projecting?

Hollow Talk our kids are 14, 11 and 9. We were together 11 yrs before we had our eldest. He was playing outside with my younger 2 girls aged 9 and 11. Her kids are 5 and 10. Her kids like the fact he is the postman. He told me once that the neighbour told him when her daughter who is 5 was at the doctors she was upset and asked for my husband. My first though was that's odd why didn't she ask for her daddy (who they see regularly) and that I wondered what their dad would have thought of that?

Her kids seem to have developed an attachment to your kids. How much time does he spend there? I think it’s time to confront him about it again.

WallisFrizz as far as i know thats the first time hes been in her house although I work away from the area and he is here every day. Whenever the kids are out playing and he pulls up in his van they will go to him and he'll a chat etc. Usually about 2 or 3 times a week.

Also her son and my son go to the same boxing club, her son finishes when my son and my husband arrive so I think they see each other there too.

You really are just lying down and taking this OP.
She must be laughing behind your back. She's got a new 'dad' for the kids to get attached to.

He's married to you, not her. So tell him to kop the fuck on and stop making a fool of you.

This has to STOP now.
Men can be so 'doppy'
Your husband has already developed feelings for her but believes there is no threat to your marriage.
There is.
She knows exactly what's she's doing.
Lonely single woman.
Put you foot down now.
Men, like children need form boundaries.
He'll stamp his feet for a bit but that will settle down.
I agreed he wouldn't put up with it if you suddenly developed a close friendship with a young single dad and was texting him at midnight lol
Not one fat chance.
Hard as it is sometimes you have to pull them in line.
Do this for the kids sake as much as yours x

Cop🙄

I’d go over there now.

Where is your husband now? Why don’t you ask him why her door was open and why he went in?

It’s very dodgy! Not normal at all.

I think it's bloody obvious what's happening here

Yeah, she’s being totally inappropriate.

We have lovely neighbours in our new house, turns out I went to to same school as the guy, he’s very nice, and I had his number first from just meeting him outside in the street.

We’re all early forties with young kids etc... Obviously we had a few things to communicate with them about re hedges etc, one of the first things I did was text him to say ‘hey John, could you send me Mary’s number?’, and I ALWAYS go through her.

Not because I don’t like him or don’t have male friends etc, I just want to cause no trouble and a woman moving in next door and establishing a relationship with your DH not you and texting him etc is somehow outside the bounds of polite behaviour at this age and stage of our lives.

It’s about knowing boundaries and being respectful and avoiding trouble!

I feel for you OP. You're stuck.
If you confront him you'll be gaslighted and made to feel that you are being the unreasonable one.
I know it sounds drastic but I would be getting my shit together as it is very likely this is going to end badly for you. So sorry

id go the high road (or the passive aggressive road) and make super close friends with her. If you are also close friends with her there will be no excuse for him to be alone with her or text her without your knowledge and then you will plainly see how the land lies because if he does those things after that it probably means he regards her with more than friendship in mind.

letsall is probably right. She is too able to dissociate you with what she’s doing.

Ok I think you need to tell him to stop.

I would also (very smoothly and politely) ask her to stop texting him late at night because it's disruptive.

letsall is right.
You don't have to become best mates with her, but because you never interact with her, she is probably getting the impression that you are fine with the two of them having a close relationship and may even think that you have a 'don't care' attitude.
She doesn't see the two of you as a Unit and that's the problem.
You need to rectify this situation.

I also had someone more recently work with us who was like this. Single mum about 12 years younger. She was constantly texting and what sapping my husband and rarely me. I do think some sad women get a buzz from the ego trip of someone being responsive !! And don't give a stuff about manners. I would be really firm about this immediately and say it's annoying you, who cares if he gets offended

Oh and I got rid of her as soon as I could.