Is this an emotional affair or am I going mad

[Gutted74]

Hi all just need a bit of input from you good people not sure if I'm over thinking things or not? I hope I am!!

Been married for nearly 18 years together for 25 since we were 17. We have 3 kids. Never had any problems with other people we've always been open and honest. I'm not a paranoid person by nature never have been and I love my SO to bits always have.

Anyway he has struck up a friendship with one of the neighbours, a nice looking single mother about 10-12 years younger than us. Didn't have a problem with that, her kids play outside and SO loves kids so had been playing with them outside along with our kids.

So a couple of months ago I was in the kitchen and his phone was charging there. Couldn't be bothered to get my phone so picked his up and because my internet app is in the same place as his WhatsApp I automatically pressed that. I was not snooping and have never checked his phone. Anyway top of the list was a message from the neighbour. As the message was.sent at midnight and im only human I opened it. Found shitloads of messages over 2 or 3 weeks, 20 or 30 a day I'd say. I went through them and to be fair not one of them was inappropriate in any way, just general chit chat and banter through the day but there were an awful lot of them. This raised a red flag cos he knows I'm ok with opposite sex friendships cos I trust him. So why didn't he mention them? I asked him and he said he knew he should have done but when he realised how many there were he said he didn't know how to tell me.becsuse it looked dodgy even though it wasn't. Ok so I then tell him look I trust you can u just please calm then down, calm the friendship down. He said ok I understand of course I will. Thank u for trusting me I won't let you down. I know I should have told him to cut the friendship there and then but I want to trust him and don't want to be one of those paranoid possessive wives!!

Now I haven't checked his phone since. He has offered it to me but I didn't see the point as he can always delete messages right?

I know he still sees her sometimes but not quite sure how much as I work away from the area and he works here so has plenty of opportunity if he wants.

Now anf again he has borrowed a hedge trimmer and and also haor clippers from her. Relevant or not who knows!! Anyway bearing in mind I asked him to calm down the friendship I notice out of the window today her front door is open. 10 mins later my husband appears from her house, disappears round the corner to the garages with her for a couple of.mins then comes back to our house. I don't say anything but he notices I'm annoyed about something although I say it's nothing. Also bear in mind a few weeks ago she told him she doesn't let any other man into her house because of her children. He hadn't been in her house at that point. He doesn't mention that he was there.

I really don't believe for one minute that he's being unfaithful but I am very concerned he's getting too emotionally connected to her. Maybe I am turning into that paranoid wife after all? I don't know.

I just have a funny gut feeling about all of this and I really don't know if it's actually my problem or I should be concerned. He has never hidden anything from me before in 25 years and never given me cause for concern. Maybe this is paranoia because I've never had to experience anything like this before? This is what in hoping but I really would like your input as I haven't spoken to anyone about this I I just don't know if it's me or not.

I'd be grateful for any responses I just worried I guess

I just don't get it. What kind of man goes and sits round another womans house while his family cook him dinner.

Was he playing daddy to her kids too?

No, you are not the one ruining the marriage. And unless you have a history you are omitting, you are hardly jealous.

Maybe he has forgotten 'forsaking all others', and needs a little reminder that if you are uncomfortable. He should be prioritizing his wife's feelings and helping to deal with them, rather than being dismissive and using it as an excuse to leave.

I would go nuclear, pack all his stuff while he's out, dump it in her garden, tell him you'll be seeing a solicitor and naming her in the divorce
Fuck this shit, he couldn't be more clichéd if he tried!!
He needs to feel loss to fully get the implications of what he's done, take no prisoners

Bloody hell what a shit he’s being.

Likes his little set up doesn’t he. No respect for you or you being upset. Has he reassured you at all or has he just been vile and aggressive? Bit like a cornered animal?

Imo you need pop to the neighbour and introduce yourself...
You have been a stranger to her for too long.

Agree with everyone else. He's turning it around on you and saying to separate so that you'll give in, beg him to stay and he can carry on as is.

I'd pack his shit up and dump it next door. Tell him to go live there.

I’d go straight over there this morning and have a word with her.

How can a woman put another woman through this ?
It's beyond belief.
Go introduce yourself.
She really needs to see you a a real person. Just stay calm.

I would tell him you've seen something and he has one chance to explain. Do not embellish any further. Let him move out you are not in the wrong no matter how much he is telling you that you are. He is piling the blame onto you because he feels guilty and thinks that this will get you to put up shut up. You have done nothing wrong at all don't let him sway your mind.

And as for your neighbour she haa her eyes on him for sure he's ready a father figure in her mind she's got a prize in her sights.

I am sorry but there's being relaxed and being relaxed and if I had
Found my husband messaging another women I'd have asked him to leave for that alone.

I think your husband is feeling guilty and trying to turn this around this is an emotional affair and to be honest from
What you have said I'd be surprised if there isn't any more please do not
Let him turn this around on you, he is emotionally manipulating you and probably upset as it stinks of guilt ! Good luck !

I’d be packing his bag for him. You and the kids should be his priority, not her! What a prick!

Well I did ask him last night. I don't think he was in there long anyway. He said he was outside her kids came over and her youngest dragged him into the front room!! He said he talks to the kids more than her anyway.

But yes I do agree he should be putting my feelings first. As far as he's concerned I'm being jealous and that's that. Never mind that throughout our marriage I've never been jealous and in fact he has accused me on more than one occasion of being cold. Not entirely a lie a lie i suppose to be fair I've not always been one to wear my heart on my sleeve. Now a few weeks ago I helped him get back in contact with a girl he used to go out with before me through Facebook. Not a problem at all. Does that sound like someone who is a jealous wife to you?!

Your not jealous but why would you do that? Do you know how many past relationships rekindle on Facebook? After all the time you have been together he knows your not jealous but he’s scared your going stop this thing he has with her so he’s trying to make out it’s all in your head so you will say ok fine carry on but it’s not fine. If he’s with her kids so much why did they message in first place? Why aren’t you friends you might work away but there is weekends. I would be at home for a week see how he behaves wen ur there? See if your spoiling his plans. But don’t be naive please ive seen so many marriages break up over something very similar to this. If it was platonic the woman would want to know you both as friends but she’s not making any effort with you. If a guy did this to me I would feel uncomfortable unless he was friends with my oh aswell. Good luck.

My dh also moved out because of the rows I was paranoid he wasn’t going to be told who he could be friends with. Even though we are still together and in many ways happier than ever I still feel that was a huge mistake on his part and to me he left because of her. This was quite early on in my drama and like you I had been quite reasonable and simply asked him to tone down his contact with her as I felt uncomfortable with it.

Thing is I don't actually think he has been unfaithful and that's not being naive I really don't think he has. But I am shocked that he's so quick to suggest a separation. If he truly loved me and cared about my feelings surely he should be talking to me about it and not going nuts. I'm beginning to think he should go if he has such little regard for my feelings.

That’s exactly how I felt his reasoning was he wasn’t going to be told who he could talk or how many texts he was allowed to send aa he wasn’t doing anything wrong and to be fair to this day I haven’t found anything other than chitchat
I really feel for you op as I said this is like reading my own posts from 2 years ago and I hope u resolve it quicker and better than we did we are still together but it has been horrendous and has caused hurt for all of us for no reason

Just to say OP, when my H was in full throttle of what he now says was limerence, he actually suggested separate houses at one point because as he said us working together made it all too claustrophobic. I thought at the time he was genuine and although it didn’t happen I realise now he wanted space I think for opportunity etc , it may be she does genuinely think friendship and she’s a bit lonely(still wrong) but he has a dose of limerence and an ego buzz , he knows he has been caught out so instead of acting like a mature adult he thinks ‘leave’

Nah - he should go. Sorry OP, but the reaction is not one of a man who 'wasnt doing anything'. Its fathers day, so he let someone else's children 'pull' him into their living room? Rubbish. He's probably flattered with all the attention someone else is giving him and not even realising it might cost him his whole family. No sane man who is devoted to his family would straight away offer a trial seperation. My gut tells me that there is already something going on. Sorry op - pack him bags for him - see what he does then. What an absolute fool.

I suspect he wants to separate so something can happen with her and then he can come back and use the, we were on a break, argument.

Hi OP

The way he's reacting really isn't helpful and I can totally understand why it's making you feel the way you are. It's belittling your feelings and making it seem like his priority is his friendship with her as opposed to his relationship with you.

HOWEVER... and this is only me offering another side to the argument please don't shoot me down.... in my experience most men HATE to be accused of something and/ or admit they're wrong. When backed into a corner they often retaliate with something they maybe don't mean to save face and to avoid admitting they're in the wrong.
I am very good friends with a dad from school, we talk a lot via text/ Facebook etc and socialise together with the children (our kids are same ages/ in same classes) When we first met we were both married but I spilt from my husband about 3 years ago. It never occurred to me (maybe naively!) that his wife might have had a problem with it until after I'd split with my husband and at that point I made the effort to make friends with her too. From either side there has never been more than friendship for us, I often joke about him being one of the Mums and I'd hate it if I got with someone new who wouldn't "allow" this friendship to continue.
He's since split with his wife (nothing to do with me!!) and I remain friends with them both.

I'm by no means saying the way he's acting is ok, he should be putting your mind at ease and putting your feelings first but I suppose I'm just trying to put your mind at ease a little by offering another take on the situation. If he has formed a friendship with this woman he maybe feels embarrassed or awkward calling it off because it might look like he's "under the thumb" (I'm not saying he is at all... just maybe that's how he thinks it would make him look!!)

I'd suggest making an effort to get to know her too then you can gauge the situation better.

You’re upset that he has been spending time with another woman, including father’s day, and his reaction is to suggest separation?! That is not a normal reaction. This is definitely an EA, if not more. I’d be very suspicious considering his behaviour and the fact the opportunity is there if you’re out at work all day and he’s around the home. Don’t kid yourself into thinking ‘he would never do that’ as that’s what all cheated on wives think!

Let him go - if he’s serious about your marriage then being without you will be a wake-up call.

Agree with what wishywashy says and I think that was the case in my situation and I wish I had been given that prospective 2 years ago. We could of all been friends and as the initial contact was regarding horse arrangements she might not of had to put her horse out on full loan an hardly see her if we had all sorted this mess out better.

“No sane man who is devoted to his family would straight away offer a trial seperation.”

Agree. In my opinion, if he was offended at being accused of something when he’s done no wrong the last thing he’d be doing is leaving. Because leaving does make him look guilty as fuck to everyone else.

I think he’s doing it to control you. Don’t question him again, you jealous harpie or he’s out the door.

Loves kids but pulls this SHITE on Father’s Day?! Yeah, I think you’ll find in months to come that he’s not the doting dad you think he is, putting his children before his own wants.