Is this an emotional affair or am I going mad

[Gutted74]

Hi all just need a bit of input from you good people not sure if I'm over thinking things or not? I hope I am!!

Been married for nearly 18 years together for 25 since we were 17. We have 3 kids. Never had any problems with other people we've always been open and honest. I'm not a paranoid person by nature never have been and I love my SO to bits always have.

Anyway he has struck up a friendship with one of the neighbours, a nice looking single mother about 10-12 years younger than us. Didn't have a problem with that, her kids play outside and SO loves kids so had been playing with them outside along with our kids.

So a couple of months ago I was in the kitchen and his phone was charging there. Couldn't be bothered to get my phone so picked his up and because my internet app is in the same place as his WhatsApp I automatically pressed that. I was not snooping and have never checked his phone. Anyway top of the list was a message from the neighbour. As the message was.sent at midnight and im only human I opened it. Found shitloads of messages over 2 or 3 weeks, 20 or 30 a day I'd say. I went through them and to be fair not one of them was inappropriate in any way, just general chit chat and banter through the day but there were an awful lot of them. This raised a red flag cos he knows I'm ok with opposite sex friendships cos I trust him. So why didn't he mention them? I asked him and he said he knew he should have done but when he realised how many there were he said he didn't know how to tell me.becsuse it looked dodgy even though it wasn't. Ok so I then tell him look I trust you can u just please calm then down, calm the friendship down. He said ok I understand of course I will. Thank u for trusting me I won't let you down. I know I should have told him to cut the friendship there and then but I want to trust him and don't want to be one of those paranoid possessive wives!!

Now I haven't checked his phone since. He has offered it to me but I didn't see the point as he can always delete messages right?

I know he still sees her sometimes but not quite sure how much as I work away from the area and he works here so has plenty of opportunity if he wants.

Now anf again he has borrowed a hedge trimmer and and also haor clippers from her. Relevant or not who knows!! Anyway bearing in mind I asked him to calm down the friendship I notice out of the window today her front door is open. 10 mins later my husband appears from her house, disappears round the corner to the garages with her for a couple of.mins then comes back to our house. I don't say anything but he notices I'm annoyed about something although I say it's nothing. Also bear in mind a few weeks ago she told him she doesn't let any other man into her house because of her children. He hadn't been in her house at that point. He doesn't mention that he was there.

I really don't believe for one minute that he's being unfaithful but I am very concerned he's getting too emotionally connected to her. Maybe I am turning into that paranoid wife after all? I don't know.

I just have a funny gut feeling about all of this and I really don't know if it's actually my problem or I should be concerned. He has never hidden anything from me before in 25 years and never given me cause for concern. Maybe this is paranoia because I've never had to experience anything like this before? This is what in hoping but I really would like your input as I haven't spoken to anyone about this I I just don't know if it's me or not.

I'd be grateful for any responses I just worried I guess

In fairness to my dh ow she probably doesn’t know he only deletes her messages and lies to me. She has a boyfriend who was there Watching tv when she was having late night hour long phone conversations with my dh while he was at work. I had to find out from snooping on the phone bill and she did contact me begging me to explain what my problem was as they were just friends that was only a few months ago so I didn’t open up to her as so much has gone on and felt anything I said would go straight back to him and he would just lie

Having said that she does know this friendship is causing problems and as a woman and a mum I would of like to think she would of walked away instead of every time we had a row about it and he contacts her she joined in the slagging me off which is unfair as she barely knows me and I know he has stirred thing and been economical with the truth to her if she was any friend to him she should of given him a slap and told him to sort out his 18 year marriage and if he was any friend to her he would of not caused all this drama for her and encouraged us to get on instead of causing shit between us

This is what I don't get.
Why would the ow wants someone who can't get his marriage to work????

Why would the ow wants someone who can't get his marriage to work????

Marriages don’t dissolve simply because people fail.

What I mean is often people turn to affairs instead of putting the work / time and energy in to their relationships.
All marriages need work and attention. Kindness and understanding. It can be hard slog sometimes.
When hubby / wife is working 70 odd hours a week for his / her partner and children, it is too easy for the partner to feel neglected and fall the flattery of some one else instead of facing and sorting out
The issues.

I'd just prefare some one whose prepared to stand shoulder to shoulder with me when the water gets a bit choppy :)

@Alfiemoon1 I totally sympathise and you are absolutely right x

As I said before we are currently very happy after 2 years of shit and no matter how much I dug I never found anything other than chit chat unless I was kicking off so I am doing a very un Mumsnet thing and placing by ear carrying on as normal I know they are still in contact but not a lot I know if I put him on the spot if he’s bumped into her he would lie so I don’t ask. I am being vigilant but not being a crazy snooper anymore. Time will tell one of them will slip up if there is more to this than a friendship. I have no evidence it is anything more yet

However tonight is triggering me about the past he’s due an upgrade on his phone on my account - I have all the mobiles under my name and I am biting my tongue as he’s browsing phones thinking get a bloody old Nokia without internet so u can’t WhatsApp that prostitute ( yes she was and even sold her price list to the papers as she has no shame) behind my back ggrrr

I've kind of comes to the same conclusion as you. I have no proof he's contacting her more than what he says. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt purely because I have invested 25 yrs of my life into this man and never had a reason to doubt.him in all that time. It's our anniversary in a couple of weeks so we'll see what effort he puts into that!! I'm basically now just gonna stay hyper vigilant for the time beng and hope i don't see/hear anything I'm not comfortable with, which in itself is a shame because I've never had to do that before.

And I really hope everything works out ok for you x

Only you know what is in the best interest of you and your kids. Good luck.

How are u op? I am not having a good day. Last night after a lovely day and a few drinks together he went to bed and I am starting to think about his 50th birthday next year so go and check his diary incase he has planned out his shifts. There’s her number I had deleted it off his phone in one or our many arguments about her and as they use what’s not sure why he needs her number added to the fact him searching new phones which I admit is a major trigger point so I ended up sending him a nasty text so now we aren’t speaking so frustrated with myself that I randomly do this every so often and it kicks everything off again

Got another trigger to face tomorrow we used to regularly walk the stable owners dogs both of us when I wasn’t working but him on a Saturday she lives nearby also walks her dog there not sure if it was ever prearranged but the used to meet up Possibly the last time he did this my work colleague sent me a pic of them in the pub together. He lied until I showed him the proof then told her I had stalked her Facebook page as she had put pictures of them on pfft

According to dd he’s been asked to dog walk tomorrow he’s not mentioned it as we aren’t speaking so that’s stressing me out but I can’t get him to turn it down as previously we were walking 3 of her 8 dogs 6 days a week at £10 a dog while taking our own dog out pfft

Good luck op.
He is being an arse though. Yellow card definitely.

@Monty27 yeah you're right he is being an arse. For the first time in 25 yrs I feel he isn't giving me the respect I think I deserve as his wife and mother of his 3 children. Inside I'm so angry and I seeing him in a different light now. Maybe things werent as ok in our marriage as i thought otherwise why else would he feel the need to have excessive text contact with another woman? Time will tell if things get back to how they were, at this point in time not sure if they will or not.

@Alfiemoon1 how are things today for you? I'd like to offer you some advice but it seems that I'm kind of in the same boat as you...... Why do they do these things eh. I'm wondering if mine is starting to go through a mid life crisis. Pratt!! Feel like saying look around you at the things that are important. Anyway she's looking for somewhere else to live. We were thinking of doing the same thing and I said got any suggestions where? Surprise surprise he suggested the same place she is looking to move to. Did he think I wouldn't notice that? Not that I've said anything mind you. Would only cause another big argument about how I'm paranoid I guess!

Oh ffs he should just move in with her and be done! can he make it more obvious? You have the patience of a saint, OP!

He's not being very fair to you, my ex dh became friends with my neighbour - he ended up having a full blown affair 😢

I would drop a kind hint for her to back off, the kids can play but your partner doesn't need to be involved with her at all and I hope he knows this. I hope it all gets better for you

@motherood1 thing is as such she hasn't blatantly encouraged him and even I can see that. I am much much more pissed off with him. He even admitted to me when I pulled him up on all the texts that he instigated most of the messages. If i really thought that she was making a play for him believe me I would have been over there weeks ago. My issue is that he obviously enjoys another woman's company over mine now. Do I think he would physically cheat on me? No. Do i think he would emotionally cheat? Think he's already there.

There's the thing, when the kids go to play with their friends at their house, there's actually no need for a parent to tag along. I do tag along when my DDs go to play with 3 sisters who go to the same school (DD2 is best friend with the youngest) but that's because I've developed a good friendship with their mum. My DH is friends with her too but it would feel really odd if he sat in the living room chatting with her without me there. (I very much doubt that her DH would like it either, he works overseas and comes back home every few weeks.)

I would be very wary as well in your shoes. It's very inappropriate.

Gutted, if you really think he enjoys her company over yours and you have told him you feel this way and he continues, he is telling you something massive surely? Does he want to end the relationship with you but is engineering it so it looks like you are doing the dumping?

@motherood1 thing is as such she hasn't blatantly encouraged him and even I can see that.

Well I can't !
If she was any friend of his she'd give him a slap and tell him to work on his marriage and that if she was his wife she would stand for him chatting up the good looking single mum neighbor - no woman with half a brain cell would.
A lot of married men are too lazy to chase women or have an affair, BUT if it's served up on a plate .........,, (neighbor has no class)
Tell her BACK OFF.
And if that up sets your hubby he knows where the door is.
This could go on for years .....

Hi gutted

For me - the shouting at you was to get you to shut the fuck up, to get you to back down. That’s a guilty tactic.

I think he has probably got a crush on her. I’ve seen it time and time again. My mother used to flirt with the men in our street as I was growing up to get them to do odd jobs and they lapped it up whilst their wives were fuming at the window. Then she would laugh at them when they had left

Nasty how quick he was prepared to call day after 25 years because of your ‘paranoia’

Get your shit together just incase this blows up in your face. Start planning what would happen if you split up.

And gutted if dh ever put ‘having a break ect..’ on the table I’d take him up on the offer as no way would my pride allow a man to threaten me with that especally over another woman

Oh i definitely think he's got a crush on her without a doubt. Tbh what I want to do and what I am doing are 2 different things. What I want to do is have it out with him completely tell him I know he's got a crush and basically say you need to decide what's more important your 'friendship' or our whole life. Which in turn will cause a massive argument with either one of us storming out, not good as we have the kids here. And what I am actually doing is trying to get some normality back in our relationship and I suppose effectively turning a blind eye whilst staying hyper vigilant!! He will not admit he has a crush, will come out with the old line can't a man and woman be just friends? To which my response would be as long as neither partner is uncomfortable with it.

One part of me feels like well bollocks to u but then why I should I just give up the last 25 yrs of my life without a fight because he's acting like a dickhead. I'm just hoping common sense prevails.

When all is said and done i still love this man and this is the first major issue we have ever had

I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I know don't want a massive row and that certainly wouldn't be helpful but sometime you do have to stamp your feet.
I don't think I'm this case a man and woman can be friends. I mean which make friend is he texting 30 times a day ?
No one on the planet will see it from his point a view.
He can NOT have his cake and eat it to.
This is such (sadly) a predictable story.
If he thought for 1 minute he had lost you - really lost you she'd be choking on the dust for weeks , as he beat a path away from her.......

Thank you Robin233 knowing my luck I call his bluff and it'll backfire on me and I'm not totally ready to give up just yet. How long for remains to be seen though!

One part of me feels like well bollocks to u

That's your inner woman talking

but then why I should I just give up the last 25 yrs of my life without a fight because he's acting like a dickhead.

But you're not fighting for him - you're laying down like a carpet and taking it ( I did this too)

I'm just hoping common sense prevails.

Honestly it won't - it's like an addition.

Ever tried taking a chocolate bar of a child half way through?

Some of the views on here are incredibly sexist. Men don't 'understand' emotional affairs; women should be the ones discouraging men if they are married. The blame is the OPs DH and his alone. She has no loyalty to the OP, she doesn't know her from Adam and, frankly, it isn't her job to police someone else's marriage.