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Original poster

Is this an emotional affair or am I going mad

270 replies

Gutted74 · 16/06/2018 12:54

Hi all just need a bit of input from you good people not sure if I'm over thinking things or not? I hope I am!!

Been married for nearly 18 years together for 25 since we were 17. We have 3 kids. Never had any problems with other people we've always been open and honest. I'm not a paranoid person by nature never have been and I love my SO to bits always have.

Anyway he has struck up a friendship with one of the neighbours, a nice looking single mother about 10-12 years younger than us. Didn't have a problem with that, her kids play outside and SO loves kids so had been playing with them outside along with our kids.

So a couple of months ago I was in the kitchen and his phone was charging there. Couldn't be bothered to get my phone so picked his up and because my internet app is in the same place as his WhatsApp I automatically pressed that. I was not snooping and have never checked his phone. Anyway top of the list was a message from the neighbour. As the message was.sent at midnight and im only human I opened it. Found shitloads of messages over 2 or 3 weeks, 20 or 30 a day I'd say. I went through them and to be fair not one of them was inappropriate in any way, just general chit chat and banter through the day but there were an awful lot of them. This raised a red flag cos he knows I'm ok with opposite sex friendships cos I trust him. So why didn't he mention them? I asked him and he said he knew he should have done but when he realised how many there were he said he didn't know how to tell me.becsuse it looked dodgy even though it wasn't. Ok so I then tell him look I trust you can u just please calm then down, calm the friendship down. He said ok I understand of course I will. Thank u for trusting me I won't let you down. I know I should have told him to cut the friendship there and then but I want to trust him and don't want to be one of those paranoid possessive wives!!

Now I haven't checked his phone since. He has offered it to me but I didn't see the point as he can always delete messages right?

I know he still sees her sometimes but not quite sure how much as I work away from the area and he works here so has plenty of opportunity if he wants.

Now anf again he has borrowed a hedge trimmer and and also haor clippers from her. Relevant or not who knows!! Anyway bearing in mind I asked him to calm down the friendship I notice out of the window today her front door is open. 10 mins later my husband appears from her house, disappears round the corner to the garages with her for a couple of.mins then comes back to our house. I don't say anything but he notices I'm annoyed about something although I say it's nothing. Also bear in mind a few weeks ago she told him she doesn't let any other man into her house because of her children. He hadn't been in her house at that point. He doesn't mention that he was there.

I really don't believe for one minute that he's being unfaithful but I am very concerned he's getting too emotionally connected to her. Maybe I am turning into that paranoid wife after all? I don't know.

I just have a funny gut feeling about all of this and I really don't know if it's actually my problem or I should be concerned. He has never hidden anything from me before in 25 years and never given me cause for concern. Maybe this is paranoia because I've never had to experience anything like this before? This is what in hoping but I really would like your input as I haven't spoken to anyone about this I I just don't know if it's me or not.

I'd be grateful for any responses I just worried I guess

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/06/2018 21:10

That's quite a dramatic turn around for someone who promised to cool an inappropriate "friendship" Hmm

FabulouslyFab · 17/06/2018 21:34

My X hubster visited the GP and my friends concerned about my ‘mental state’ when I objected to his ‘innocent’ friendship with a bitch that worked for him.....
stick to your guns!
Sending hugs x

Robin233 · 17/06/2018 21:44

Hugs.
Ok stay calm.
You hold all the cards.
Time to play hard ball.
If you can leave the kids safely go round and see this woman.
Be your most wonderful self but spell it out to her.
You are the wife and mother of his children.
The friendship is inappropriate ( don't let her cut in or argue )
Say your peace and leave with dignity.
And then calmly tell YOUR husband he cuts ALL contact with her.
Tell him you maybe paranoid but that's the rule if he wants to stay married.
But keep your cool so he knows you re serious.
He's been caught with his hand in the cookie jar and all the anger and shouting is guilt talking.
Just rise above it. Let him rant on just calmly carry on with your business.
When he calms down he will be glad you've saved him from himself.

JuicySwan · 17/06/2018 21:47

Gosh it’s escalating quickly 😕

Slundle · 17/06/2018 22:03

Oh gosh. That's horrible that he got angry with you. The thing is, even if it is all relatively innocent, he knows it bothers you & you'd hope he wouldn't walk straight in to the lioness's den as a result...IMHO, you'd be better off not approaching her. It's up to him to monitor his own boundaries with her & to, well, cop the hell on! The question to ask him could be 'what are you playing at? Seriously. Help me see this from your point of view because I can't.'

LegoBitcho · 17/06/2018 22:47

It's really not looking good.

Failingat40 · 17/06/2018 23:57

Read 'The Script' he's already way ahead of you

Alfiemoon1 · 18/06/2018 00:16

Op iam so sorry you are going through this. Reading your posts are like reading my own from 2 years ago. Going totally against the grain here but the more I put my foot down the more he dug his heels in. The more I snooped and accused the more he tried to hide it for an easy life so now I have trust issues. I picked up on everything new hair cut that’s for her blah blah it’s been awful but throughout all the drama divorce threats he has maintained it was a friendship and no matter how tech savvy I became I still have nothing to prove otherwise and the more I upped it threatened to name her in the divorce the closer they became as he warned her she even contacted me to assure me they were just friends and when I got upset begged me to call her of course I didn’t and was vile to her I have no answers on how to deal with but I hope it’s less traumatic than what I’ve been through.

TheMonkeyMummy · 18/06/2018 00:30

@Gutted74 are you ok? How did Father's Day go?

twinkletwinklelittlerainbow · 18/06/2018 00:47

Hope you're ok OP. You sound like a lovely lady who doesn't deserve to be feeling like this x

Original poster
Gutted74 · 18/06/2018 00:57

My previous post disappeared

@Alfiemoon1 yes the more I'm mention it the more he's pulling away from me. It's like I'm at fault for seeing things the way I do. He can't seem to see my side at all. Thanks for caring x

@Themonkeymummy it didn't go well at all. See my posts further up. He's now suggesting we separate for a bit to see if we can salvage something. Pathetic as it sounds I'm crying my eyes out while writing this.

@twinkletwinklelittlerainbow thank you. I love my family more than anything and just don't know what to do for the best anymore

OP posts:
LongNLean · 18/06/2018 01:04

Separate? Jesus he's panicking isn't he?

Did he say why he was in hers?

twinkletwinklelittlerainbow · 18/06/2018 01:18

Sending you a great big hug. I'm surprised to read he has suggested separation, go with your gut...it's not normally wrong xxThanksThanks

Itscurtainsforyou · 18/06/2018 01:39

Sorry OP it doesn't sound good.

In your shoes I think I would stay put, get him to move out, make sure you have all the right/necessary documents and take the time to decide what YOU want. So far it's been all about him, he's treated you and your kids badly ( who goes to someone's house when kids are making dinner for Father's Day?)

halfwitpicker · 18/06/2018 02:07

He's following the script alright

DontMentionTheWar · 18/06/2018 02:28

To save your marriage you have to be really strong here. Pack his bags and tell him you don't want to be with a man who doesn't put his wife first. A man that loves you doesn't treat you like that when you have genuine concerns, the fact he is shouting and carrying on when you have legitimate reasons to be annoyed is very telling.

He may not come back. It's possible he's already having an affair but if it hasn't yet got that far then being as strong as you can be and throwing him out is the only way to bring him to his senses. He's an arse for treating you like this and you are not wrong, don't let him tell you you are.

Monty27 · 18/06/2018 02:42

OP this thread has moved on so quickly I can't believe it. My post a half hour ago was going to be gut instinct is the loudest word listen to it
That's a bit late now though.
You should have been more proactive. I would have made myself known to her. I think you still should. In fact if he's disappeared I'd go over tomorrow and see if he's there.
I have been in a similar situation but not across the street thank goodness.
It did not end well let me tell you.

ReturnofSaturn · 18/06/2018 05:10

Hes a dirty cheat OP.

TheMonkeyMummy · 18/06/2018 06:55

Oh no, I am sorry. I think he has a guilty conscience

Wenospeak · 18/06/2018 07:02

Where is he now op?

Original poster
Gutted74 · 18/06/2018 07:03

He just left for work. His parting shot was I'm ruining our marriage because I am a jealous c*

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 18/06/2018 07:17

But what was the reason for him being at hers?

Petalflowers · 18/06/2018 07:17

Separating! That’s a bit dramatic. Surely if he wants to salvage something he should be changing his ways. He may not agree with what you are saying, but he should have the dignity to respect it.

You are not being pathetic. I think I would react the same way. A few days ago, everything was ticking along nicely. Now everything is falling to,pieces, and you are not quite sure why or how it happened.

Sorry you are going through this.

Footballmumofthefuture · 18/06/2018 07:19

Tell him. Yes you are jealous your husband is so far up another womans arse that he also had to lie to you about it too. Then he didn't have the guts to actually talk to you about it. So you're packing a bag for him because cleary his friendship with the NDN is more important to him.

Wishingiwaslucky47 · 18/06/2018 07:21

You’ve done nothing wrong. Anyone would be acting the way your acting. HE is the one who should be pulling out all the stops to save your marriage and convince you nothing is going on. He’s not!!!! He is turning this around to make you feel like your over reacting, your crazy, your jealous. He has something to hide he knows and and deep down you know it.

It’s funny how it’s went from a friendship where he was going to tone it down after your previous conversation, and now he’s talking about separating. Why would he want to separate??? Because he has her on the back burner.

Don’t do this to yourself, you will only hate yourself for it. You deserve more.

Don’t go into work today (but don’t let him know that). Start your day as normal, take the kids to school, then go back home when you know he should be home, and you will see where he is. If he isn’t going to be back until this afternoon then go into town, and wait until a time when he’s meant to be at home and then go back, don’t let him see your car etc sneak back and see where he is.

You and your kids deserve more, kick him out, please please please don’t do the pick me dance.