Is this an emotional affair or am I going mad

[Gutted74]

Hi all just need a bit of input from you good people not sure if I'm over thinking things or not? I hope I am!!

Been married for nearly 18 years together for 25 since we were 17. We have 3 kids. Never had any problems with other people we've always been open and honest. I'm not a paranoid person by nature never have been and I love my SO to bits always have.

Anyway he has struck up a friendship with one of the neighbours, a nice looking single mother about 10-12 years younger than us. Didn't have a problem with that, her kids play outside and SO loves kids so had been playing with them outside along with our kids.

So a couple of months ago I was in the kitchen and his phone was charging there. Couldn't be bothered to get my phone so picked his up and because my internet app is in the same place as his WhatsApp I automatically pressed that. I was not snooping and have never checked his phone. Anyway top of the list was a message from the neighbour. As the message was.sent at midnight and im only human I opened it. Found shitloads of messages over 2 or 3 weeks, 20 or 30 a day I'd say. I went through them and to be fair not one of them was inappropriate in any way, just general chit chat and banter through the day but there were an awful lot of them. This raised a red flag cos he knows I'm ok with opposite sex friendships cos I trust him. So why didn't he mention them? I asked him and he said he knew he should have done but when he realised how many there were he said he didn't know how to tell me.becsuse it looked dodgy even though it wasn't. Ok so I then tell him look I trust you can u just please calm then down, calm the friendship down. He said ok I understand of course I will. Thank u for trusting me I won't let you down. I know I should have told him to cut the friendship there and then but I want to trust him and don't want to be one of those paranoid possessive wives!!

Now I haven't checked his phone since. He has offered it to me but I didn't see the point as he can always delete messages right?

I know he still sees her sometimes but not quite sure how much as I work away from the area and he works here so has plenty of opportunity if he wants.

Now anf again he has borrowed a hedge trimmer and and also haor clippers from her. Relevant or not who knows!! Anyway bearing in mind I asked him to calm down the friendship I notice out of the window today her front door is open. 10 mins later my husband appears from her house, disappears round the corner to the garages with her for a couple of.mins then comes back to our house. I don't say anything but he notices I'm annoyed about something although I say it's nothing. Also bear in mind a few weeks ago she told him she doesn't let any other man into her house because of her children. He hadn't been in her house at that point. He doesn't mention that he was there.

I really don't believe for one minute that he's being unfaithful but I am very concerned he's getting too emotionally connected to her. Maybe I am turning into that paranoid wife after all? I don't know.

I just have a funny gut feeling about all of this and I really don't know if it's actually my problem or I should be concerned. He has never hidden anything from me before in 25 years and never given me cause for concern. Maybe this is paranoia because I've never had to experience anything like this before? This is what in hoping but I really would like your input as I haven't spoken to anyone about this I I just don't know if it's me or not.

I'd be grateful for any responses I just worried I guess

Go with your gut feeling OP, it's rarely wrong. Either way it will give the opportunity to reinforce boundaries.

In your situation I think I would make a nuisance of myself by being more present whenever you can. Ask those difficult questions, make it known you aren't happy with it.

I wish I had done these things. It would have prevented the hardest 6 months of my life from happening. Wishing you good luck.

I think your trust is misplaced and I am a bit about why you are so reluctant to tell your husband is acting dodgy

I also do not understand why neighbours need to swop phone numbers and then spend lots of time in secret "bantering"

This would not be happening in my relationship. Stand up for yourself, for Christ's sake. You are only in a "difficult position" if you carry on watching them conduct themselves in this way and don't open your trap about it

She knows exactly what's she's doing.
Lonely single woman.

Yeah, she’s being totally inappropriate.

HE is being totally inappropriate- she is not the guardian of his behaviour

Does the neighbour work?

Your DH being a postman, does that mean he has the afternoons by himself?

Just wondering if they have cosy afternoons coffee together when all the DC are at school and you're working out of the area??

You last looked at their 'frequent' messages a couple of months ago and it's not slowed down since. I would be worried you're now looking at a more involved affair than you're even contemplating. The coming out of her house, going to the garages before coming out again screams guilty all over it.

I wouldn't show your hand just yet with all they 'just ask him's' he will only deny. Time to start investigating what they're up to when you're not around.

I did not do what Any Fucker suggested and still have not. In my relationship - my husband of very many years - takes her out for "cheering up" meals, let's her treat him for relatively minor surgery related medical successes, spends ages talking to her about deep emotional difficulties beside a beach in the sun (seaside town), encourages her to rest well at night if her 10:30 pm writing reveals she is upset about something or the other and bends over backwards to give her practical help at work. She is a junior doctor 12 years younger than him - a senior surgeon. I cannot even go into how I know why I know and what I am doing about it.

Smacked of the gob, I suggest a bit of simple surgery yourself, nailing his balls to the floor shouldn’t be too hard!!

Come on, smacked

You are worth more than that, surely ? I expect you used to have a will of your own. What happened to it ?

Not wishing to derail thread but perhaps useful for OP - I have been repeatedly told by him that there is nothing sexual, which there is not. There is this though: profound idolatory of DH by a much younger woman, who trusts him with deeply personal things and a DH who - to my almost wonder and astonishment - takes on a protector/knight role. No there is not a jot sexual in any communication. Anyway. I feel quite numb to it.

He might not by lying to you, but he is keeping secrets from you. By NOT telling you about the contact or going into her house, he is in effect lying! If he knew it was ok, he’d have told you.

And how come YOU are worried about approaching him about it? Shouldn’t he be the one that’s concerned?

He’s taking you for a fool, playing on your trust of him and your faith in him. Start to stand up for yourself and tell him he’s to stop, now !! And that he’s being a twat

Why the fuck is she borrowing your husband?

Why is he omitting the facts?

Why is she so comfortable about it all?!

WHY ONE EARTH ARE HER KIDS ASKING FOR HIM!!!!!!! The whole thing stinks!!!!

OP you need to wake up and smell the coffee.

Smackedofthegob problem is I work 20 miles away and I take the kids with me because they go to school near my work so there is no way I can find out how much he sees her in the day when I'm not around. Any ideas anyone?

IMHO, I think you need to be open and honest about this instead of approaching it like an investigation. You mentioned earlier that you trust him, so I think you should sit down and discuss this with him. You could maybe ask why they exchanged numbers, how he'd feel if it were you texting and spending lots of time with a neighbour and explain to him how it makes you feel...

This is a problem in the marriage but a close friend of mine had the exact same problem with her devoted husband. The only difference was he worked with the lady and she wasn't a neighbour. She simply told him about the texts she saw and broke down and told him how upset she was. So, they did a lot of excavation and got to the bottom of it and ultimately she forgave him and he ceased all contact with the other lady. He hadn't entered in to anything sexual either but a line had been crossed and he knew it. It seemed to me, on some level, he wanted to be rescued from it and led safely back to his happy marriage...

Get a Ring doorbell.. make sure the motion sensor is activated.. and that you've signed up for the recordings to be saved (couple of pounds a month).. then you'll be able to see his comings and goings..

I didn't get mine for this reason btw, just realised what it could be used for 😬

www.amazon.co.uk/Ring-Satin-Nickel-Video-Doorbell/dp/B072Q48WQR/ref=sr_1_3?keywords=ring+doorbell&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1529230722&sr=8-3

Slundle I did that a few weeks ago got really upset. At the time I found the messages he was really sorry blah blah and even said I'll cut off contact. Me like a bloody idiot said I just want the texts and friendship to calm right down. I just wanted totrust him and henhas never ever given me a reason not to so thought this once I would give him the benefit of the doubt as I'm not totally against friendships with the opposite sex and he knows that. Not sure how many texts are still being sent but he hasn't stopped seeing her as much as far as I can tell.

At the time I did say how would he feel if it was the other way round and he said he would hate it

Happy girl now. Good idea but he won't bring her to our house I'm sure of it. Plus all the neighbours would probably talk as it's like that round here!

No, sorrry, more meant you'd know if he was out of the house at odd times, not back when he should be after work etc..

seemed to me, on some level, he wanted to be rescued from it and led safely back to his happy marriage...

'This' 10 fold.
Be firm.
Do it now.
Then plan something good as a family.

@Gutted74 It's good you spoke to him about it but I get the impression he doesn't know just how much this is bothering you and just how dodgy this territory is. I mean, it sounds like you have/had a great marriage. Why on earth should a single neighbour get in the way of the marriage you have built on trust and love for so long? This is your life. Forget all about the neighbour. This is about you and him and it's okay to say it feels like a breach of trust and it's okay to say that it doesn't feel like a normal male/female friendship. I have male friends of old, who are almost like brothers but we still wouldn't be in that much contact because I think everyone knows it would be inappropriate.

Slundle I did say before to him as far as I'm concerned she isn't a threat but he's the problem. I just don't know how he can't see that this is causing problems. How stupid can you be

I think you need to tell him to stop messaging her. There is no need for it. See what her reaction is then

@Gutted74 I see what you mean. It's not up to you to change his behaviour, I suppose. He should be able to see how upsetting this is. I just wouldn't like to see a good marriage being derailed over something quite controllable. The very best of luck to you.

Why haven't you gone over and introduced yourself? She's a neighbour, your kids know each other, she's in close contact with your husband - even if you'd no suspicions it's a bit weird you've never spoken to her. I think you risk giving the impression that you and your husband live fairly separate lives he may be trying to give this impression. Make yourself a real person to her.

@slundle thank you I appreciate it x
@Schnitzel I'm always at work during the day and in the evenings I also work from home and have the kids to sort out so don't get much opportunity to socialise woth the neighbours but might be an idea x

And just want to say thank you to each and every one of you who has commented. I have taken on board everything you have all said. The fact that not one of you has said it's acceptable tells me I'm not being paranoid, but I guess deep down I knew that anyway!

And any other input is still welcome!! X

Oh and don't know if it's relevant but he still tells me I look nice, kisses me before he leaves the house etc. He's not actually ignoring me or anything