Is this an emotional affair or am I going mad

[Gutted74]

Hi all just need a bit of input from you good people not sure if I'm over thinking things or not? I hope I am!!

Been married for nearly 18 years together for 25 since we were 17. We have 3 kids. Never had any problems with other people we've always been open and honest. I'm not a paranoid person by nature never have been and I love my SO to bits always have.

Anyway he has struck up a friendship with one of the neighbours, a nice looking single mother about 10-12 years younger than us. Didn't have a problem with that, her kids play outside and SO loves kids so had been playing with them outside along with our kids.

So a couple of months ago I was in the kitchen and his phone was charging there. Couldn't be bothered to get my phone so picked his up and because my internet app is in the same place as his WhatsApp I automatically pressed that. I was not snooping and have never checked his phone. Anyway top of the list was a message from the neighbour. As the message was.sent at midnight and im only human I opened it. Found shitloads of messages over 2 or 3 weeks, 20 or 30 a day I'd say. I went through them and to be fair not one of them was inappropriate in any way, just general chit chat and banter through the day but there were an awful lot of them. This raised a red flag cos he knows I'm ok with opposite sex friendships cos I trust him. So why didn't he mention them? I asked him and he said he knew he should have done but when he realised how many there were he said he didn't know how to tell me.becsuse it looked dodgy even though it wasn't. Ok so I then tell him look I trust you can u just please calm then down, calm the friendship down. He said ok I understand of course I will. Thank u for trusting me I won't let you down. I know I should have told him to cut the friendship there and then but I want to trust him and don't want to be one of those paranoid possessive wives!!

Now I haven't checked his phone since. He has offered it to me but I didn't see the point as he can always delete messages right?

I know he still sees her sometimes but not quite sure how much as I work away from the area and he works here so has plenty of opportunity if he wants.

Now anf again he has borrowed a hedge trimmer and and also haor clippers from her. Relevant or not who knows!! Anyway bearing in mind I asked him to calm down the friendship I notice out of the window today her front door is open. 10 mins later my husband appears from her house, disappears round the corner to the garages with her for a couple of.mins then comes back to our house. I don't say anything but he notices I'm annoyed about something although I say it's nothing. Also bear in mind a few weeks ago she told him she doesn't let any other man into her house because of her children. He hadn't been in her house at that point. He doesn't mention that he was there.

I really don't believe for one minute that he's being unfaithful but I am very concerned he's getting too emotionally connected to her. Maybe I am turning into that paranoid wife after all? I don't know.

I just have a funny gut feeling about all of this and I really don't know if it's actually my problem or I should be concerned. He has never hidden anything from me before in 25 years and never given me cause for concern. Maybe this is paranoia because I've never had to experience anything like this before? This is what in hoping but I really would like your input as I haven't spoken to anyone about this I I just don't know if it's me or not.

I'd be grateful for any responses I just worried I guess

Oh and don't know if it's relevant but he still tells me I look nice, kisses me before he leaves the house etc. He's not actually ignoring me or anything
'That's because he's not in too deep .... yet. He thinks he's in control. But what happening next time you have a disagreement and he's chatting to his 'female friend' all about his problem. This is how men and women start to bond.
He won't mean to but she will be so sympathetic.
Men and their egos.
This woman will tell him anything to boost his ego. He'll lap it up.
Please put your foot down now.
Take him out the sweet shop.

He's obviously loving every minute of a younger woman's attentions right under your nose. Cheeky madam. Cheeky him.
This is how affairs start.
Put your foot down.
No just no.

Get to it girl!! I didn't and stuff got out of hand and only found out many years later and it's definitely affected how I feel .

Its ok to not be fine with some of your DH/DP friendships. This one is not making you feel good and with, I think, understandable reasoning.

Tell your dh and tell your NDN. Don't wait for something to happen for you to feel validated in not liking it one bit.

If I were you I'd tell him in no uncertain terms that it ends NOW. If he doesn't like it, tough. He should have no issue not speaking to some random woman if it means it will make his partner and mother of his children happy! The fact her child asked for him instead of her own father at the doctor is extremely weird. I honestly don't know how you've managed to stay so calm, some things you've relayed that have been said are things that would have made others go berserk! You really should have a conversation with him. Tell him how upset it's making you and that you don't like feeling like this. I hope you're okay! X

Drop the kids off. Take the day off work and see exactly what he gets upto. If you don't it will eat you up!

I’d be putting a stop to this sharpish.

Well update here. Didn't go too well. Kids cooked him a dinner and we couldn't find him outside. Turns out he was in her house. I pulled him up on it and he went completely nuts. Told me I was being completely paranoid. He was so angry. Then said he's gonna leave. I said well obviously his friendship means more. Cue more shouting. I've walked out now and just don't know how to handle it anymore. He just seemed outraged that I don't trust him. I guess I can't as much as I thought otherwise I wouldn't have written this post

Guilty, much?

He's guilty and is deflecting onto you. Don't take this shit. Creeping round to her house on Father's Day ffs ?????

He's trying to make out I'm the mad one. I just feel lost

Go back home, don't leave your kids. He shouldn't be angry, he agreed to tone it down, you should be the angry one.

So what’s his reason for being there?

Please go home and say you’re worried. Explain clearly why and try not to get upset. If you’re calm he can’t accuse you of anything. If he’s angry and can’t see the problem, then it speaks volumes. I’ve been there and it didn’t end well. Looking back, my getting angry made it all so much worse and he used that against me. Horrid.

And no doubt he's probably messaged her to tell her you've blown up. I would start getting angry OP. You've been far too trusting.

What a C* and I don't use that work lightly!
What was his excuse for being there?

Pack his bags for him!

I'm so sorry, OP, he sounds awful. His attitude there really does suggest he's guilty. Whatever was he doing in her house??

Your dH sounds like the sort of guy that likes to lend a helping hand, and probably in his head, that’s all he’s doing. He doesn’t release that he has overstepped the mark.

It’s Father’s Day, and he doesn’t realise why you were upset that he wasn’t around for dinner! His priority should your kids, not to be somewhere else.

Perhaps,you should admit you are paranoid, and that’s because you saw all those texts on his phone, and he’d rather spend time there then at your house. Try and make him see it from your point of view. Ask him how he would feel you spent all,your time at some hunks house.

If he can't see that disappearing round to her house on Father's Day while his wife and kids are cooking him a meal is completely unacceptable then he is very deluded and it is very worrying. I think you need a frank, calm chat with him and then a frank, calm chat with her too. This cannot go on, don't allow them both to treat you this way OP.

Pack him a bag. Short sharp shock.

I had this too, as in my case it was her parents house over the road, I would cook dinner and he would say he would be 15 mins doing something for her mum etc and an hour later I would have to go knocking to get him back over. In my case 11 years later I was proven right as found a load of ‘stuff’ . He too had a go at me and said I was paranoid and he was just helping out, he was but failed to mention he had ‘a thing’ for the daughter

Pack him a bag and toss him out. Give him time to think about how his behaviour is affecting everyone. Make ‘him’ want to come back, but on your terms / ie no neighbour . If he doesn’t call me back then fuck him...

Very weird behaviour. He's acting like a love struck school boy.

Pack him a bag, then go knock next door and give it to the woman.

I would be packing bags then going to her door.

Sorry your going through this op.

Why would he be that angry?! This situation is so shady! I'd be absolutely raging.

I also find it very very weird her child asked for your dh in a time of distress rather than her own dad. I think he around them. Much much more than he is letting on.