I’ve got to cancel my wedding this weekend, I can’t marry him

[Wheresmeredithgrey]

I’ve just told my partner I can’t marry him this weekend. I can’t spend my life with him. For years I’ve been making excuse after excuse for him, building him up whilst I was fucking drowning and then today I just cracked. I nearly passed out in the city centre because I’m so drained, physically, emotionally. I hold up the whole family singlehandedly and I am made to feel constantly guilty.

We have both families coming, cousins, uncles, bridesmaids, groomsmen, work colleagues, friends, hotels, outfits, food, DJ’s, children, fucking flowers, elderly grandparents, all about to set soon to travel for our wedding that I can’t allow to happen.

What the fuck am I going to do.

Sorry I can’t reply to all right now, but I am reading and thanking you all, my head is just a bit fuzzy.

Today has been very hard, but I’m hoping to sleep better tonight. Things have been sorted, got a little bit of money back.

He’s not made any contact as of yet.

I'm glad things are beginning to settle. In a couple of days (or weeks) the feeling of relief at dodging this bullet is going to be overwhelming.

I'm not surprised he hasn't contacted you. He's a coward at heart and he's not going to want to face up to the reasons you called it off by actually talking to you.

I think most people have the intelligence to realise that no one cancels a wedding on such short notice without a very good reason.

My friend told many people she didn't want her marriage to go ahead but went through with it as so much had been spent. She has been divorced more than 10 years, lost her house, her business and still hasn't recovered emotionally from it.

I wish she'd been brave enough to not marry him. He ruined her life.

It's a hard thing to do but when I had to do it (not my choice but still) I found most people were very sympathetic and did their best to help out, especially with refunds. The worst was the venue, actually, which, given that they were a very busy and sought-after venue and they had 3 months' notice, was pretty rude of them.
Everyone else, even the fabric shop, was lovely.

Hope you're getting some help with the workload of cancelling - it's very draining. Hugs and strength to you.

Well done meredith
First day of the rest of your life!

Meredith- I just want to say you are my hero today.

I’m full of genuine admiration for you. I too had doubts and I so wish I’d listened to my inner voice. I took the wrong path - I’m so glad you won’t make the same mistakes as me. We’re on this planet for a heartbeat. Enjoy your life without this toxic person in it.

Xxx

Well done on your bravery, meredith. It's hard now, but the relief you'll feel at dodging this bullet will surely last a lifetime.

I wish I had had half the backbone you do when it came to my first marriage. I found out a month before the extent of my ex's willingness to lie, distort, manipulate and fuck with my head, and 100% should have cancelled the wedding due to what I found out. But I was too embarrassed.

I knew before we were back from honeymoon what a grave error I'd made, but the marriage limped on for another two years before I managed to grow my backbone and get out.

You are doing the right thing, and your friends and family most likely know it too. The amount of people who said to me after the divorce "Nobody could understand why you were marrying him, Sophocles - he's suck a prick". But they didn't want to interfere. Far, far better to be brave like you are! Good on you.

I was just going to say. Use the hotel for a family get together drinks and food. Maybe a dance? I know you won't be in the mood BUT! celebrate breaking out of this and moving forward!

OP i've been there, 'colluding in his presentation of himself' (perfect way to describe it) and nearly collapsing with exhaustion. Its the hardest thing to call it quits, but its all downhill from there once the decision is made - you're right not to go through with a sham wedding! Yup mine's response was also along the lines of me being a bully etc etc but we both know that's balls ;) good luck

If I knew you I'd still come if you wanted and celebrate you getting away from this abusive asshole.

Well done. You have been very strong and brave and should be proud of yourself.

I've been to a wedding that should never have happened. It wasn't a pleasant experience tbh and neither was the inevitable divorce 6 months later.

Well done you super brave clever woman. Its so heartening to hear of another abusive arse hole being kicked to the kerb.

Not much to add to what the other posters have said but please do promise us you'll re-read this thread when you feel down. It's pretty unanimous.
Also, practice making lots of 'I' statements. 'I' think, I feel. It's incredibly empowering. When your thoughts and opinion have been discounted by someone who purported to love you for some time it can feel a bit strange at first but it works. Xx

You're strong and brave and won't regret this. Sending hugs x

@Wheresmeredithgrey firstly LOVE the name.

Well done darling, it sounds like you've made the best decision of your life.

I'd say don't worry about the money it's crap to have lost it all, but you were spending it anyway so I'd assume isn't going to negatively impact your finances.

Hope you've been able to get everything sorted with help from your people.

Last year a friend of mine got married, within 6 months they were separated. It has come to light she was suffering emotional and physical abuse from him, I felt physically sick to have celebrated and enjoyed their wedding. Those you choose to explain why to will be pleased and happy for you to be out of a toxic relationship.

Do you have a honeymoon planned you can still go on to get away from everything and regroup? If you can I'd do that.

Well done again, you are an amazing strong woman!!!

well done meredith-hard part over

hope your family are being supportive

You’ve done well, Meredith.

Well done OP I wish I had done this the day before my first marriage. Never done this on MN but sending hugs x

I nearly married a man who, for two years after we split, was still ringing me at all hours, driving past my home and generally watching me. This was before stalking was recognised. Having just celebrated their 18th wedding anniversary, he and the woman I found he’d been seeing when we were putting the final touches to our wedding, it makes me realise how lucky I was to have found out what he was up to. She would have had no idea he was still mooching around me, for the first two years of their relationship. It was a lucky escape as I doubt he’ll have been faithful to her either. Could be wrong but doubt it.

You have shown great strength of character doing this. I think you should not keep this man’s secrets any longer tell everyone far and wide what he has been like. You’ve done the hard bit;telling the truth will be a piece of cake by comparison. You will need to heal moving forwards and no more baggage because you told everything to everyone (within reason) might help you heal more quickly.

He deserves no kindness for how he has treated you and I bet you haven’t told us half of it. I wish you and your kiddies the most wonderful life!

OP this is a massive turning point for you. You have taken the massive first step. Your life has now turned in a positive direction.

Fuckwithnonsencesauce-
Correct, not even half of it

I have children to bring up and unfortunately people love the talk. I just don’t want my children growing up knowing all the grisly details

I’ll keep what I need under my hat I think.

I’m so so sorry Meredith I posted in active threads by mistake- not sure how this ended up here.

I ignored the screaming voice telling me not to marry my exh. I wish I had had your courage :)

The message is just as important for you though Coats. Whats worse, kind of always knowing because everyone did, or finding out one day. I don't know the answer.

Can I just say that I wish I'd been as brave as you?
I didn't want to marry DH1. I told my BF. She thought it was nerves.
We married, and he was an arse.
She told me she wished I had been more forceful. He was abusive, but I valued my vows.
2 years after he assaulted me, and a friend, I divorced him. It was horrible.
Don't be me. I felt guilty about the financial costs, but I suffered personally for such a long time.

My friend called off her wedding a month ahead. Once I knew nothing catastrophic had happened I was happy she had made the decision. On the anniversary of the cancelled wedding it was so obvious it was the right call. She had shed stones, but looked about 5 years younger. New job, new hobbies , new outlook. It was obvious she was the best thing about him, everything that was negative in his life has been amplified . It’s hard to believe they were ever a couple they are so different now.

Concentrate on a year from now. Rather than looking back at a year battling to make a marriage work and living in fear, you’ll be into your new life where you can be happy.