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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’ve got to cancel my wedding this weekend, I can’t marry him

237 replies

Wheresmeredithgrey · 13/06/2018 22:55

I’ve just told my partner I can’t marry him this weekend. I can’t spend my life with him. For years I’ve been making excuse after excuse for him, building him up whilst I was fucking drowning and then today I just cracked. I nearly passed out in the city centre because I’m so drained, physically, emotionally. I hold up the whole family singlehandedly and I am made to feel constantly guilty.

We have both families coming, cousins, uncles, bridesmaids, groomsmen, work colleagues, friends, hotels, outfits, food, DJ’s, children, fucking flowers, elderly grandparents, all about to set soon to travel for our wedding that I can’t allow to happen.

What the fuck am I going to do.

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 13/06/2018 23:25

Sounds like a fantastic catharsis - as though the would-be-wedding has worked really well for you by forcing this out into public, so these wheels into motion. Well done.

Passingwords · 13/06/2018 23:25

OP well done, it's the right thing, you'll feel great afterwards. Focus on the pros first, church, hotel, hair, make up, flowers, taxis, wedding car etc, then your side. Ask each person you speak to to help and ring another if you can. If you feel close to any of his side, like parents, tell them otherwise tell your ex to tell his side.
Get him moved out, locks changed are the next thing
From what you've said you are doing the right thing, no doubts about it. It has to add up. If he changes ( unlikely) there's no law stopping you from starting again. If you go ahead it's so hard to undo

Inertia · 13/06/2018 23:26

It sounds like a lucky escape- he sounds terrifying.

Honestly, cancelled hotels and flowers are insignificant when your safety is at risk.

Buckingfrolicks · 13/06/2018 23:26

Well done. That's real inner strength. Your life can be so much better than you know.

Go you!

Nanny0gg · 13/06/2018 23:26

Save your posts and read what you've written about him. That will reinforce that you're making the right decision.

And if people want to know, tell them why. He needs to be held responsible.

Good luck with your future, it will be much better without him in it.

Rosie2000 · 13/06/2018 23:26

You are extremely brave. You can do this. Hour by hour, day by day. People will surprise you and probably be relieved you have called it off. I am 15 years down the path you are not choosing and in the midst of horrific divorce. All the best

Shiteatusernames · 13/06/2018 23:27

10 years from now you'll look back and think thank fuck I didn't marry the twat.

Jarline · 13/06/2018 23:27

Breathe.

The first phone call will be the worst. After that, it will get easier and you will find that the majority of your suppliers won't enter in to any sort of conversation about it - unless they want to be paid in full given the late notice.

If they do, just make a note of it and tell them you will come back to them - focus on getting right through your list of people first.

Speaking from experience, it takes remarkably little time to cancel a wedding. Get the practicalities out of the way, then turn your phone off. Whilst relatives and friends may be concerned, and/or curious, Id advise asking your mum or someone close to field these sorts of calls. The last thing you will want to do is justify your decision over and over.

Wishing you all the best x

peanutbutterandbanana · 13/06/2018 23:28

You drove him to nothing. His behaviour is his choice and belongs to him. I learnt this years ago when I had an aggressive husband who bruised me. "I made him do this to me" I said to the counsellor. "no, you didn't - he chose to do it". I learned then that we all make choices about how we respond to situations. If he cannot control himself then that is his choice. DO NOT LET HIM GUILT TRIP YOU.

Good luck and please try and have a great weekend with lovely people somewhere nice. You will feel like a huge weight has come off your shoulders and I really hope you find joy with someone in the not-too-distant future. Flowers

IggyAce · 13/06/2018 23:29

Flowers you're very brave and you are definitely stronger thank you think. With the help of your mum and best friend ring round family, just send texts or emails to wedding suppliers.

Cornishclio · 13/06/2018 23:29

Well done. Sounds like you made the right decision. He sounds awful. Make a list and recruit friends/relatives to help ring round and let people know.

PeakPants · 13/06/2018 23:30

Oh my god, keep walking and never look back. You have done the right thing without a doubt and should not feel a scrap of guilt (although I am sure you will do). Flowers

TERFragetteCity · 13/06/2018 23:30

Oh my, none of your family or friends will want you marrying him that is for sure. You have done the right thing.

Coyoacan · 13/06/2018 23:30

Oh well done, OP. You're a star and your children will grow up to proud of you.

Whatthefoxgoingon · 13/06/2018 23:30

You’ve 100% done the right thing. I’m sure of it. Please please don’t change your mind and get back with this cheating, abusive scumbag.

Ohyesiam · 13/06/2018 23:31

Op I really admire you. You are so doing the right thing.
Sending you everything you need to enjoy your freedom.

chipsandgin · 13/06/2018 23:32

We’ve had a family member cancel a wedding a couple of days before - I didn’t hear anyone criticise as it’s not a decision anyone would take lightly. We all went, used our hotel rooms, caught up with family. Wasn’t an issue at all.

Sounds like you made the right move Flowers

Passingwords · 13/06/2018 23:32

Blimey I've just read what he's done to you, you cannot marry him. Can someone come and stay with you? Are you worried about your safety in case he gets angry?

PlatypusPie · 13/06/2018 23:33

I found out after my brother’s marriage imploded that my mother had offered the day before the wedding to cancel everything,if he didn’t want to do it himself . She could see that it wasn’t right, he wasn’t in the right frame of mind, nice girl but not the one for him. He refused, but later said he wished he had had the courage but it seemed like an unstoppable circus in motion.

You have done the right thing, the brave thing, OP.

AtSea1979 · 13/06/2018 23:34

Very brave decision. Well done OP. This is Day one of the rest of your life where you can concentrate on you and the kids. It’ll be tough but so worth it

NeverTwerkNaked · 13/06/2018 23:35

You are doing the right thing. I’ve been there and didn’t open up to anyone or cancel, and went through with it with a heavy heart. With hindsight years of marriage and a pretty awful divorce was way worse than cancelling would have been

FlowerOfTheValley · 13/06/2018 23:35

From what you have posted about him you are totally making the right decision.

Your relatives and friends care about you. They are not going to care about money on a wedding gift etc. Their prime concern will be that you are okay.

Well done on making a very hard, but correct, decision.

Sending you strength for the next few days. Take care of yourself. Flowers

MismatchedPJs · 13/06/2018 23:37

Well done, you sound very brave and sensible, even if you don't feel either at the moment.

Don't worry about your guests. They've just had an unexpected free weekend open up. They will find something nice to do with it, have lovely weekends if different to what they expected, and probably just wish you well. You may even have a few tell you they're relieved for you!

letsallhaveanap · 13/06/2018 23:38

well done op! Flowers
So awful for you right now.... but in the long run you have saved yourself and your children, from a lifetime of misery.

Emmageddon · 13/06/2018 23:40

You're a strong woman. You can do this.