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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I being an unreasonable bridesmaid

208 replies

tethered19 · 11/06/2018 11:26

I am completely honoured to be a Bridesmaid for a dear friend. Her and her partner have worked incredibly hard on their wedding and I have no doubt it is going to be completely beautiful. She is of course excited and in full organising mode but, and here is the but, its exhausting. I have, up until this point, gone along with everything, its her wedding, her money and her plans, there is very little I wouldn't do to make her happy. My one and only issue is the Bridesmaid dress, its an odd fit and she doesn't want it altered- fine her choice. My issue is wearing a bra under, I have a very large chest for my frame and I feel incredibly uncomfortable without a bra on, the dress pushes them slightly under my arms and although it sounds like nothing I feel awful in it. she is worried that a bra will push my boobs up in to my face which I 100% don't want, I want a classy minimizer that doesn't show through the dress in any place that just makes me feel secure. despite communicating this and asking her to trust me, I am getting nowhere and instead am just being told I am being ridiculous and she doesn't see the issue. there are loads of bridesmaids and I think there are a few of us with this issue. The big day isn't till August and I have spoken to a seamstress who can ensure it isn't seen but she is adamant she doesn't want me wearing one. I don't want to feel uncomfortable all day and I actually feel with the dress as it is they will look more obscene. any suggestions or hints would be appreciated.

OP posts:
AlmaCogansFrockFan · 11/06/2018 13:14

Not sure if this suggestion would work as I've been a long time out of the workplace so not sure of HR ropes but gently point out to her that if she was asked to do something similarly transgressing boundaries at work she might have a legitimate grievance against employers. Just hoping that might make her realise how crazy her request is. Otherwise the obvious choice if the "duties of the post" (as bridesmaid) are unacceptable -resign!

StruggsToFunc · 11/06/2018 13:15

I assume that Brazilla plans to issue all nine bridesmaids with a course of norethisterone at the hen do.

tethered19 · 11/06/2018 13:19

ok! we have progress. I have had a chat been understanding and we are having a bra trial evening of sorts. hallelujah!

OP posts:
marjorie25 · 11/06/2018 13:19

Pull out of the wedding and let her choose another bridemaid - problem solved.
Why should you be uncomfortable to make someone's day.

TheWrongTrousers · 11/06/2018 13:20

I am her boss at work (not as awkward as you would think)

It will be from now on.

You should never have agreed to be her bridesmaid in the first place. Matron of honour, maybe, wearing a smart suit of your own choosing, but bridesmaid is not a suitable role for her boss. Put on your boss voice and tell her that you what you wear under the frock is none of her business.

she doesn't want us to look like busty whenches

I don't want to make a spectacle of myself by wearing racy underwear, I actually want to fee classy without my boobs flapping about!

And you don't want someone who works for you speculating about your boobs or your underwear either.

SleepingStandingUp · 11/06/2018 13:24

You should never have agreed to be her bridesmaid in the first place. Matron of honour, maybe, wearing a smart suit of your own choosing, but bridesmaid is not a suitable role for her boss.
She's not thete as her boss though, she's no on an hourly rate with power to make the bride do overtime. She's presumably a close friend and took on the role as that

Put on your boss voice and tell her that you what you wear under the frock is none of her business you don't need a boss voice, just a grown up woman voice.

What would be your suggestion if she'd been the bride's employee or just friend?

TheWrongTrousers · 11/06/2018 13:27

What would be your suggestion if she'd been the bride's employee or just friend?

Whatever she did, she wouldn't be undermining her own authority at work. Which she is now.

amusedbush · 11/06/2018 13:29

She wants you to wear a strapless dress that's too big... with no underwear at all?? Shock

I'd be more worried about upstaging the bride when the dress slid down and flashed my minge Great Auntie Betty! Grin

melonscoffer · 11/06/2018 13:29

Oh that's good!
Well done.
I was about to say that if she wants to control the knickers or any of the under wear then she should pay for it.

Also that good underpinned support is essential to make the dress fit.

tethered19 · 11/06/2018 13:32

I have been her boss for as long as I have been bridesmaid and the work relationship is completely different. I am never underminded in that role and we consulted HR before the decision was made

OP posts:
TheWrongTrousers · 11/06/2018 13:35

and we consulted HR before the decision was made

You asked HR whether to be her bridesmaid or not? Grin

FrangipaniBlue · 11/06/2018 13:36

If you can't see it under the dress then it's not her decision.

Regarding being comfortable on the day you really need to put your foot down @tethered19 because here's my experience......

I once spend a whole day as a bridesmaid in a dress too big for me - it was NOT FUN and ruined my best friends wedding for me.

I was last dressed as I was helping the bride while the other two bridesmaids helped each other, I knew something wasn't right the second I put my dress on, I could literally pull it up and down while it was still fastened!

When I looked at the label I realised it wasn't actually mine, that somehow they'd been mixed up and another bridesmaid had mine on, but when I asked her is she would let me check her label she flat out refused and was adamant she was wearing her dress.

Not only was my dress a size smaller than hers it had been taken in too so it was blatantly obvious on the wedding photos that my dress was too big (like a sack, no shape) while the other bridesmaid looked like she couldn't breathe.

I had to ring another guest and ask them to bring safety pins to the wedding, I spent the church ceremony holding the dress up with my arms clamped to my sides and when we arrived at the venue I legged it to the loo where the other guest literally pinned me into my dress.

I was scared to have too much to drink in case I forgot about holding my dress up and I didn't get copies of a single official photo due to how ridiculous I looked.

Not exactly the memory I wanted of my best friends wedding!

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/06/2018 13:40

That’s a story for the grandkids when you get there Frangipani. What a silly moo. Shame the dress didn’t burst!

SleepingStandingUp · 11/06/2018 13:43

If being her bridesmaid undermines her authority but being her maid of honour in a suit won't, you have a very weird idea about weddings.

But it also applies to them being friends ay all. What of friend is unreasonable about a birthday celebration or where to eat out? Should OP put on a suit, her boss voice and demand to be abided by??

Perhaps they should have ended their friendship as soon as she got the boss job instead??

TitsalinaBumsquat · 11/06/2018 13:46

I feel your pain OP. I was a bridesmaid to someone who made me confirm which size dress I needed so she could purchase 10 months before the wedding. I was 7 months pregnant at the time with my first, knew I had put on weight and had no frigging clue what size I would be 8 months after my baby was born. I ended up having to do weight watchers so I fitted my dress. Ironically she also had a baby in this time but of course had numerous fittings and alterations. I know it’s her wedding but I really thought she would have been more understanding. She also moaned that another bridesmaid had a fringe cut in a few weeks before the wedding and hadn’t consulted her first.

Some people are unbelievable.

Notonthestairs · 11/06/2018 13:47

I wear a bra in bed sometimes, I can not imagine going to a wedding braless let alone being bridesmaid.

Good that you've agreed a trying on session. I think turning up on the day with a bra would have lead to a proper bust up (pun intended).

You know you are going to have a Brazilian to curb the pube issue though don't you?

SleepingStandingUp · 11/06/2018 13:48

My friend had a pixie cut the week before the wedding so all the planning for styling was out the window. I smiled and told her how beautiful it looked whilst inside my bridezilla gobbled up a few puppies in unjustified anger

tethered19 · 11/06/2018 13:57

ha ha puppies! brilliant. its good to hear other stories of woe, though sorry to hear some have had such horrid experiences. fingers crossed we now have the situation under control. one of the reasons we are friends is because we both maintain a professional relationship at work, my role changes further on this year so it wont be an issue after that anyway.

OP posts:
ForgivenessIsDivine · 11/06/2018 14:02

Can you ask the seamstress to stitch appropriately sized support into the dress?

tethered19 · 11/06/2018 14:04

that is a possibility yes :)

OP posts:
Kittykat93 · 11/06/2018 14:04

She has no say whatsoever in your choice of underwear. I can't stand brides who try to completely control everything about how their bridesmaids look on the day.

FrangipaniBlue · 11/06/2018 14:20

Lucky I can laugh about it now @Mummyoflittledragon Grin

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/06/2018 14:23

😂 yeh, she was the idiot, not you, looking like she was sucking a lemon.

Tiredmum100 · 11/06/2018 14:35

Yanbu. I was bridesmaid and had the same problem. The top of the dress was too big (it had straps also), I did wear a bra but felt physically uncomfortable and so self-conscious it did ruin the day a bit for me. I really think you need to text her tell her how you feel and reassure her you're not going to ruin the dress. People can be really strange when it comes to weddings!

SleepingStandingUp · 11/06/2018 15:12

Don't forget to ask if she has any preference on pubic hair style in case of accidental flashing. I think their initials

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