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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I being an unreasonable bridesmaid

208 replies

tethered19 · 11/06/2018 11:26

I am completely honoured to be a Bridesmaid for a dear friend. Her and her partner have worked incredibly hard on their wedding and I have no doubt it is going to be completely beautiful. She is of course excited and in full organising mode but, and here is the but, its exhausting. I have, up until this point, gone along with everything, its her wedding, her money and her plans, there is very little I wouldn't do to make her happy. My one and only issue is the Bridesmaid dress, its an odd fit and she doesn't want it altered- fine her choice. My issue is wearing a bra under, I have a very large chest for my frame and I feel incredibly uncomfortable without a bra on, the dress pushes them slightly under my arms and although it sounds like nothing I feel awful in it. she is worried that a bra will push my boobs up in to my face which I 100% don't want, I want a classy minimizer that doesn't show through the dress in any place that just makes me feel secure. despite communicating this and asking her to trust me, I am getting nowhere and instead am just being told I am being ridiculous and she doesn't see the issue. there are loads of bridesmaids and I think there are a few of us with this issue. The big day isn't till August and I have spoken to a seamstress who can ensure it isn't seen but she is adamant she doesn't want me wearing one. I don't want to feel uncomfortable all day and I actually feel with the dress as it is they will look more obscene. any suggestions or hints would be appreciated.

OP posts:
SoddingUnicorns · 11/06/2018 12:11

Message to twatzilla:

“I’m not prepared to wear the dress without a bra. It really is that simple.”

Fucks sake, ridiculous that this even needs to be said!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 11/06/2018 12:13

YY, you really do need to give her the ultimatum - you either get to wear a bra or you're out as a BM.
And, if you know that other BMs are feeling the same way, then in all honestly I would tell them what you're planning to do because they may choose to do the same - then she wouldn't risk just losing ONE BM to her stupid anti-bra prejudice, but several!

tethered19 · 11/06/2018 12:14

It is exactly that, she doesn't want us to look like busty whenches which is completely understandable but I am not even in my 20's long gone are the days when I would consider myself physically able to be busty. I will go with a strapless that has fuller coverage so not even a strap would be visible. its more the principle that she is being completely rude and doesn't trust me not to look awful. all I want is to fee comfortable, if she had asked me to wear a bin bag I would but with a bra under it.

OP posts:
Tit4TatandAllThat · 11/06/2018 12:15

Why is she making you wear a dress that is too big and no bra Confused

She sounds crackers and incredibly rude.

Ickyockycocky · 11/06/2018 12:15

I would politely tell her to get stuffed.

Lweji · 11/06/2018 12:16

You are guests, not slaves...

On the day, I'd take a spare dress, just in case.

Whattheactualfuckmate · 11/06/2018 12:16

Don’t let anyone dictate what bloody underwear you wear!

Fivelittleduckies · 11/06/2018 12:17

Honestly I don’t think it’s any business of hers if you wear a bra or not. I would make no further mention of it, and just wear one on the day. It’ll be the least of her concerns on the actual wedding day. I’d just avoid any further drama now while she’s obviously in a frantic highly strung and controlling state of mind.

tethered19 · 11/06/2018 12:18

I was thinking along these lines, she wants us to try them on so I think I am going to take a truck load of bras and just make her feel like she has a say. I wont bore people with knickergate

OP posts:
HyacinthsBucket70 · 11/06/2018 12:18

Friend or not, no one would dictate to me whether or not I could wear a bra. I'm a G cup and there is no way on gods earth I'd ever not wear one.

KirstenRaymonde · 11/06/2018 12:18

Please tell us about knickergate. I beg you.

tethered19 · 11/06/2018 12:19

thanks lovelies. you have all restored my sanity. If I turn up like tits McGee then she has every right to tell me to leave or take it off but I wont be doing that.

OP posts:
tethered19 · 11/06/2018 12:21

the knickers must not be seen, I think she would prefer no knickers so there is no visible line, I have mentioned some slightly more formed knickers that come up to my bra line but have a no vpl back, this has not gone down well, there are to be no lines.

OP posts:
DarlingNikita · 11/06/2018 12:21

She's got bridezilla syndrome. Nod and smile and then wear whatever the hell it takes to make you feel secure.

And you must tell us about the knickers. We all want to know!

2good · 11/06/2018 12:21

Oh my god you are not being unreasonable at all! ! She is! When I got married i asked pretty much nothing of my bridesmaids other than to plan my hens. When it came to dresses i was 100% aware that one had very large boobs, and the right bra/dress fit was essential, one had large hips and didn't want anything too fitted, and one was really tall so length was an issue. These are all sensitive body issues for my friends and I would never have drawn attention to them, let alone forced them to wear something they'd be uncomfortable/self conscious in.
Your friend really needs to get over herself. Weddings are stressful but if you can get it across tactfully she really needs to listen.

MaggieFS · 11/06/2018 12:22

Yes, definitely take a selection and work out together what looks best.

Absolutely not her place to say you can't wear one at all!

tethered19 · 11/06/2018 12:22

im concerned I will have an accident and an ambulance crew will be appalled. they are beautiful dresses albeit a little large so I want them to be seen that way

OP posts:
BadTasteFlump · 11/06/2018 12:22

Yes tell us about knickergate!

She sounds like a loon btw.

pumpkinpie01 · 11/06/2018 12:24

I think she is being totally ridiculous, does she not want you to feel comfortable ?! I got married a week last Saturday - one flowergirl and 2 bridesmaids - one decided to wear a bra and one didnt.I didnt care either way as long as they were happy its up to them, she really cant dictate underwear that's so out of order !

tethered19 · 11/06/2018 12:25

I was the same, I wanted my bridesmaids to feel as beautiful as me, we tried loads of dresses on to find something that worked for them all and the underwear was their choice. I have repeatedly said, trust me, I wont let you down, let me show you. now I am the devil for being in kahoots with another bridesmaid over it

OP posts:
melonscoffer · 11/06/2018 12:27

The OP has suggested that the real issue is lack of trust in OP's judgement r.e appropriate appearance in the dress.

Does she treat you well and consider your feelings?
Is it the wedding that is setting her off into a controlling stance?
If she is normally a dear friend to you then you won't lose her friendship just beause you need a bra.

You describe her as being a dear friend to you, this closeness will survive bra wars.
It is a shame that she does not trust you have a sense of decorum in your appearance.

Cricrichan · 11/06/2018 12:27

That's ridiculous! Even in my pert b/c cup days I'd have wanted to wear a bra as my nipples would have stood out!

specialsubject · 11/06/2018 12:30

I have been reading 'the devil wears prada'. Is she Miranda?

RupertPsmith · 11/06/2018 12:30

This is completely amazing. She seriously wants you to go commando?

Nine bridesmaids, too. The photos will look like she's setting up a cult.

TrickyKid · 11/06/2018 12:31

Nothing to do with her, completely your choice. I have large breasts and wouldn't let anyone tell me I can't where a bra, wedding day or not!

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