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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I being an unreasonable bridesmaid

208 replies

tethered19 · 11/06/2018 11:26

I am completely honoured to be a Bridesmaid for a dear friend. Her and her partner have worked incredibly hard on their wedding and I have no doubt it is going to be completely beautiful. She is of course excited and in full organising mode but, and here is the but, its exhausting. I have, up until this point, gone along with everything, its her wedding, her money and her plans, there is very little I wouldn't do to make her happy. My one and only issue is the Bridesmaid dress, its an odd fit and she doesn't want it altered- fine her choice. My issue is wearing a bra under, I have a very large chest for my frame and I feel incredibly uncomfortable without a bra on, the dress pushes them slightly under my arms and although it sounds like nothing I feel awful in it. she is worried that a bra will push my boobs up in to my face which I 100% don't want, I want a classy minimizer that doesn't show through the dress in any place that just makes me feel secure. despite communicating this and asking her to trust me, I am getting nowhere and instead am just being told I am being ridiculous and she doesn't see the issue. there are loads of bridesmaids and I think there are a few of us with this issue. The big day isn't till August and I have spoken to a seamstress who can ensure it isn't seen but she is adamant she doesn't want me wearing one. I don't want to feel uncomfortable all day and I actually feel with the dress as it is they will look more obscene. any suggestions or hints would be appreciated.

OP posts:
MrsKoala · 11/06/2018 12:31

For fuck sake (i felt i had to actually type that out fully rather than my normal FFS as it warrants really saying properly in this instance). Things really have gone too far when people are dictating you are not allowed to wear underwear to their wedding. Seriously. Fuck. Off.

I would be saying very clearly and firmly 'I will not be wearing an ill fitting frock without adequate underpinnings. I am happy to bring a selection to yours to try on. But that is the bottom line.'

tethered19 · 11/06/2018 12:33

she is usually wonderful though very much struggles with control. I have never seen such a structured daily plan for a wedding. I understand she wants it to be perfect, I have no desire to lose a friend, she is very set in her ways and finds it hard to be told she is unreasonable or that something she does is unkind. this wedding seems to have taken over everything and I get it, they have put a great deal of effort and money in to this lovely day. my thing is that as a friend, I would never dream of wanting her to feel uncomfortable, I would never dictate anything like this to anyone I cared about and it seems unfair and rude.

OP posts:
kattekitt · 11/06/2018 12:34

Does the bride understand the issues that come with a larger chest? If she’s a smaller cup size her empathy maybe non existent. I’m not sure the best way to handle it, I have a larger chest and it would be bra or no bridesmaid thank you very much. I’d also nit be getting my knickers approved, I’m sure you’re old enough to sort yourself out!

RhythmStix · 11/06/2018 12:34

I'm sorry but dictating what underwear you may or may not wear is utterly ridiculous. Just wear a bra FGS! It's not even negotiable is it? what a loon she must be.

tethered19 · 11/06/2018 12:35

MrsKoala that's the plan I think, be firm but fair, reassure her that I understand her worries but let her know she can ok it before the day but I am wearing one

OP posts:
Eliza9917 · 11/06/2018 12:36

Maybe she thinks because the dresses have built in cups, you don't need bras, but that only works if the dresses are altered/fitted to your exact measurements.

I'd just wear one one the day.

tethered19 · 11/06/2018 12:36

I don't think it is negotiable no, I wont wear the dress without it, I will be incredibly uncomfortable all day and will send most the time with my hands down my top sorting them out. we have till the end of August lol

OP posts:
MiniTheMinx · 11/06/2018 12:36

I'd just say "I'm wearing a bra, this is not even up for negotiation" it's her choice, her day, but this is your boobs your body. She should just be grateful she has lovely friends supporting her on the day.

I'm marrying in September. I've told my two best friends to choose dresses they love, look fab in and feel comfortable. One friend is a short curvy busty blonde of 48, the other is a beautiful slim brunette who could be a model. Even if they wore the same dresses they'd look entirely different. One will no doubt look elegant and expensive, the other bubbly blonde and beautiful. I have simply said "something black, something knee length, something you look lovely in" I'm buying them jewellery, something for their hair and bouquets.

I ain't can't understand all the fuss people go to.

CaledonianQueen · 11/06/2018 12:38

Sounds like she is frightened you will turn up looking like Jessica Rabbit and upstage her! That is the only reason I can think for refusing to allow a seamstress to alter the dress to fit correctly! Her ridiculous demands over your underwear would make me say enough! I could not and would not spend all day wearing a sack dress whilst but naked underneath. Tell her to either trust you or find another bridesmaid.

StruggsToFunc · 11/06/2018 12:39

If you are finding that you have to manage her already then just be warned - this is only going to get worse in the run-up to the wedding day.

tethered19 · 11/06/2018 12:39

that is the plan I think. I have seen her in her dress and she looks stunning, its just beautiful, she is beautiful and she is usually a girls girl but this feels like madness to me.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 11/06/2018 12:40

Christ, she wants invisible knickers or preferably none as well?

Please wear one of these, please!
www.timarco.com/uk/underwear/shapewear/miss-mary-figure-shaping-body-corselet-e

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/06/2018 12:40

Does she have small boobs and no imagination?

I’d message her explaining roughly how much each of your boobs weigh and that bra is non negotiable. Let her know you will buy a couple of strapless minimisers to try at the fitting. She can strop or sack you if she wants. This is appalling.

MaggieTheMouse · 11/06/2018 12:41

I agree with Caledonian. She is worried about being upstaged.

shiklah · 11/06/2018 12:43

No KNICKERS!!!! My pubes would show thru more than knickers.

The problem with this kind of micromanagement is that people, especially sef absorbed friends and your actual real life family (not the pretend family you imagine you have) are not so easily controlled. Things will not be perfect and she is setting herself up for big disappointment.

My exSIL spoiled their wedding by doing this. The manicure she insisted we had was all wrong apparently and she went berserk, then she wanted some weird shot of all the bridemaids in underwear and I said I didn't want to and then pointed out that I didn't have a full wax and my pubes would show (this is what reminded me of your thread!) - yep _ I got a bollocking for not shaving my fanny for my DBs wedding, then the button holes for her family were the same as the ones for my family and that was wrong and finally someone arrived with a gift and had the nerve to give it to her (an elderly relative) and she shouted at them. Yep. Crazy. Cost about £16K and the bride was in tears.

They were divorced 3 years later.

Don't get drawn into the craziness.

SleepingStandingUp · 11/06/2018 12:43

Why does she want you all in over large dresses? The photos will just show a load of uncomfortable women tugging up their boobs and pulling put their g-string.

If the dresses are so baggy surely knicker lines won't be an issue any way?

I'm a G, it would be a deal breaker for me

MrsKoala · 11/06/2018 12:43

Can I just stick up for the small busted here. I am flat as a pancake and wouldn't consider a dress without a bra for some shape and padding - otherwise i'd just look like a geezer! People with a flat chests also choose to wear bras and aren't arseholes. Grin

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/06/2018 12:44

Somehow missed your post about the knickers! No knickers would suit me just fine, especially when on the heaviest few days of my period, when I soak maxi pads as soon as I snap my fingers. 🙄

SleepingStandingUp · 11/06/2018 12:44

No KNICKERS!!!! My pubes would show thru more than knickers
Op is there a rule on shaving / waxing too??

tethered19 · 11/06/2018 12:44

oh my word! I hadn't even considered downstairs topiary, fucking hell! I don't even drink, how will I manage the day. please tell me this calms down

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 11/06/2018 12:45

I think you need to take her for a drink, totally out of work time, and talk to her. Don't discuss it at work at all

Hissy · 11/06/2018 12:45

Resign the 'role' now, otherwise you WILL lose a friend over this.

No fucking way anyone would tell me I can't wear underwear!

BadTasteFlump · 11/06/2018 12:47

Yes I know it's grim but out of 9 bridesmaids, there will prob be at least a couple having their period. How does that work with no knickers? Shock

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/06/2018 12:47

MrsKoala
I have a little more boob these days.
With you all the way.

MrsKoala · 11/06/2018 12:49

This is just so personal tho. It's really really intrusive. Since having dc and only feeding from one side i have one a-b cup and one ee cup, so bras are necessary for me to even me up. And regarding the knickers, again since kids, going knickerless is just not an option. Both of these things i may not feel i want to share with a group of bridesmaids. I have, up to now, always assumed ones undergarments were ones own private domain. Confused