Being the other woman/conniving in deception/dropping the trapdoor

[Smudge100]

Six years ago I came home from work to find my then husband had thoughtfully changed the locks on the house before eloping with the woman down the road. When I finally gained entry, I discovered that they had everything useful and even my poor dog.

It’s a common enough story. However, the lady in question was someone I felt close to. She had successfully posed as a friend to both of us, so successfully in fact that I never had an inkling that she had having an affair with my husband for eighteen months. I was later to learn that they had planned their departure to coincide with her reaching pensionable age (at 50, I might add), so that they could both retire to the area where my then husband and I had for years planned to spend our twilight years. Every detail had been carefully put in place. I was left to discover over the ensuing few months not only how methodical and comprehensive their planning had been, but how heavily it had relied upon my ignorance of it. I still struggle with the scale of that duplicity and the extent of my own wilful blindness.

In the intervening years I have given considerable thought to the steely nerves and the sheer brazenness it must have taken for her to maintain that equaniminous demeanour of unruffled nonchalance whilst pursuing a project that she knew would rob me not just of my future, but my faith in human nature and in my own judgement. I’m not suggesting that she owed me a duty of loyalty – far from it - she owed me much less than my equally devious ex-husband. But strangely, I have actually wondered more about her role in it than his. My question is not: have you ever been the Other Woman? There have been plenty of threads in that particular well-worn vein, though I certainly wouldn’t want to discourage anyone with that particular experience from posting, in fact I’d be very interested to hear your point of view. It is however rather, have you ever been a party to the carefully-planned and protracted deception of a third party, particularly someone you knew well? If so, why? Was it for personal gain? Did you despise your victim? Feel they deserved what they got? Ever feel a tinsy bit guilty or the need to justify/rationalise it to yourself? What were your motives exactly? I’m not here to judge anyone, I’m long beyong that now, I’m just still curious about the psychological dynmamic of cheating, the whole process of misleading, placating, dissembling before another person, of not being yourself, of not showing your true face and the strain that places, if any, on the person practising deception. Please feel free to be brutally honest. If only they had been.

I'd have more sympathy with the sad neglected snowflakes if they were pouring their full energies and commitment into reconnecting with their partners. Is their marriage likely to get better or worse once they're trawling hookup sites for sex I wonder, once their every waking moment is spent checking their phones, thinking about multiple potential ow, sneaking about and lying?

And, assuming they've done all the 'trying' and know it's never going to fulfil them again as a relationship, why not end it with dignity, as amicably as possible?

I'll tell you why. Because they don't want to give up their cosy home comforts, half of their assets and time with their kids. In short, it'll do for now, that life, because the alternative - being alone - is worse. Cowardly self serving bastards. If you're not happy, fuck off. If you don't want to fuck off, play it straight.

Irregularchoices ,don't you have to do food shopping or nice things for your mum?

Also the men think they are the only one I am seeing

And I'm sure that they tell you, that you are the only other woman they are seeing. Which will be a lie.

Why don't you leave your husband marianne? Then you could be single, and shag as many men as you want.

Hell, you could fit in at least 50 fucks a week, without that pesky husband lurking about.

Hear, hear jSKu. The moral superiority of people against these “thieves” who yet see no problem with seeing others as possessions... you agreed to marry him not own him. He is not an object. Why when you fell in love is this more legitimate because it ended with a ring on a finger- but any other falling in love is “shallow”...no recognition that domestic drudgery is rubbish for everyone involved... no recognition of the importance of physical intimacy and that compatibility can change... no recgnition that you can feel complicated feelings for more than one person... no kindness... and some over simplified idea that their husband could just “leave” their entire life children property and yes you, because they are sad.

Im not an OW but I am a trapped spouse and from a casual observer it makes the wives sound equally as delusional as some of the OW on this thread. And I tell you what, the claustrophobia of having your partner assume they own you and your life is going to be dictated by them for the next forty years makes you want to claw out our own eyes. (Yes am projecting a wee bit)

Husky, I couldn't care less whether they see other women, I don't believe a word that comes out of their mouths
And I don't want to be single because like a previous poster said , I enjoy my home comforts, I'm having my cake and eating it
Also if it all goes pear shaped then I'm aware I only have myself blame and it won't be the end of the world

If you have become boring or let yourself go or nag and whine, not willing to experiment in bed

You’re not truly thick enough to believe this are you? Men tell you this because they want to put their penis in your vagina. They don’t suddenly become unfaithful because she gained weight and unexplainably suddenly became unadventurous in the bedroom (because presumably she was ok before). These types of men were never going to be faithful in the first place. They lied to their wives and then they lied to you. And they will lie to the next moron who comes along and not give you a second thought.

And I also love the way its seen as absolutely right by the wives that the other should give up everything they own to leave? And they are cowardlt if tey dont want to? What a lovely trap youve made for your other halves. By sheer inertia you get their money and friends and children if they leave and their lives if they stay. Haha. You won. And yet you claim to love this person. Hope you are very proud.

If I thought someone was financially and children-wise trapped into staying with me id reassure them they could leave on fairer terms. That Id work for a living, that theyd have fair access to the children, that wed leave with what we came in with. Because I cant imagine someone else feeling the way im feeling now. My husband has me over a barrel. He can have the car if he really wants it but if my children hated me because I left lovely Daddy, my life would feel over. So I stay.

Dont let your marriage become like mine. Look at it. Check you are both getting what you need. Because if it does, believe me an affair actually looks like the least disruptive or awful solution.

Lad, I can't speak for anyone else but I certainly didn't think I owned my xh. I thought we were in a mutual, loving relationship and would be together forever. Not because of some words we said decades ago, but because we talked about our future and made plans all the time.

Nobody owns another person. You are always absolutely free to go and find single life or love with another person. But do it with kindness for the person you once lived, treat them with dignity and respect. Lying into their faces every day so you can fuck someone else is unacceptable however you try to frame it, just cruel and immoral. And it is just fucking to start with, even if love comes into it later.

There was another thread on here just last night about a woman who was seeing a married man for a year. He told her he was separated, no emotional intimacy, all the crap spouted above, and she said she feels so stupid for believing him. He went back to his wife like they usually do. It would be a good thread for some of the PPs here to refer to if they really believe these men are being genuine.

marianne I get the impression, that your Partner is keeping you? If so, you really should get a job, support yourself and that will give you a better range of options. And btw, you are not only sleeping with 3 people. You are sleeping with 3 promiscuous men, their wives, and all of the other women that these men are shagging, and all of the other men, that those women are sleeping with. Potentially, you are shagging well in to double figures worth of people. Hope you use condoms, although even condoms don't protect you from every STI. Things could get very ugly.

And your perception of separation and divorce is wrong. The person leaving does not walk away with nothing. The legal system is focused on parity. You need legal advice to understand what you stand to lose, because ending a legal contract - even a marriage contract - results in compromise and loss for all concerned. If you expect to leave with everything you want you can think again, but it'll be a fair division of assets as determined by court if you can't agree yourselves.

Iwasjust I think 95-99% of the time they do tell that old same crap. However sometimes they're actually telling the truth and leave. Like in my case.

And I also love the way its seen as absolutely right by the wives that the other should give up everything they own to leave? And they are cowardlt if tey dont want to? What a lovely trap youve made for your other halves. By sheer inertia you get their money and friends and children if they leave and their lives if they stay. Haha. You won. And yet you claim to love this person. Hope you are very proud

What are you talking about Ladamanera? Is this some crap your DH has fed you? Of course you can leave him. The kids wouldn't assume you were a shit. Why would they? Reading between the lines, I think that your DH is emotionally blackmailing you, and is a cock lodger to boot. You DON'T have to accept this. Yes, separating would be hard. But it's do-able. You split assets (apportioned to the period of the marriage), 50/50. And then you start over.

I did this. we were together 20 years, married for 17. We had 2 kids. Yes, it's hard, but if the marriage isn't working, then it is something that needs to be done.

In your case, your DH doesn't get to sit there, not working and just hoping that you will put up with that....feed him, clothe him, support the family unaided, and all the while you are miserable.

He needs to shape up, get a job and fuck off. I can't think of one viable reason of why you can't start to engineer a separation. People (family) might try to deter your course of action, but you have to tell them it's not their business. No-one wanted me to leave my first H. We'd been together since I was 17. He was the only partner I'd ever had. But he was also a dreadful cheater, and I'd had enough.

When my ex left - serial adulterer who started "leaving clues" - I made him take the dog with him. He wanted to drop his responsibilities and run (but for me to make him go so it was my fault , of course).

The old incontinent dog cramped his style somewhat.

Thank you HuskyLover. Xx Maybe I need some legal advice.

Even when they leave, they have not necessarily told the truth. My xh did not tell ow he went to her because I threw him out, or that he spent over a year asking me to take him back, or that even now - years later - he is in touch regularly, telling me how unhappy he is. The trouble with people capable of deception is that they get quite good at it and don't always know when to stop.

I read once that a man who genuinely wants to leave his marriage will do so within four months of meeting his affair partner, sounds about right to me, exit affairs are still cruel but easier to justify.

Please do get advice ladamanera

You can't carry on like this. How old are the kids? Do you have assets to split? Why on earth isn't he working?!

I meant to say, in answer to OP, my first husband fucked my very best friend. How do I feel? It was 10 years ago, and if she stood in front of me right now, and spontaneously combusted, I would throw my head back and cackle at the sky. I might even clap. I still hate that fucking cow.

Rainy I don't think any betrayed spouse would ever justify it. I think my affair (at least my side) was the definition of an exit affair. But in the end it has become so much more than that

If you are SO fabulous Irregularchoicesss how many of these men actually left their boring wives, and proposed marriage to you?

It’s a big mistake to assume all, or even most, OW want this. Plenty of OW would run screaming in the other direction if this was even hinted at.

As stoic says. I wasn't after a proposal.

Regarding the comments about boring, fat wives being a myth spouted by men, not true.

It's not usually one thing that leads to affairs but a lack of effort is a big one. If your partner of either gender has stopped looking after themselves, It's a turnoff.

If those of you cheated on can hand on heart say you were putting in maximum efforts to keep the relationship fresh and exciting then fair enough. But I would doubt that to be the case.

The reason for the deception is usually because the cheater doesn't want to hurt the person they are cheating on. It's hard to say I don't fancy you anymore or you bore the hell out of me and every time you talk about what towels we are going to buy I want to stab myself in the eye with a fork.

Yes I do shopping. But I don't discuss domestic tasks with my partner. I keep domestic stuff as far away as possible from my relationship. I also have a cleaner for this reason. If you look at the reasons for arguments between couples they're usually money, domestic chores, family, spending time together etc etc. Boring routine things. I work hard to make sure none of that features in mine. As a result? Very happy, very fresh, very exciting relationship.

So I am an OW. I never meant to be at all. I became single when my DD was 18 months old. Had a disastrous relationship after that which ended last year.

When I was very young I had a relationship for 7 years (school to early 20’s). It was never going to last we changed too much. Have been fb friends and the odd significant milestone birthday message etc for a few years now. I also knew he was planning to leave his wife when his children were a little older. He is primary parent and primary earner due to specific circumstances.

We met for the first time in 25 years and had a coffee. And fast forward a few weeks and he kissed me. He is now seeking a divorce. As we both knew we wanted a legitimate relationship not a hidden secret.

Do I feel guilty? Yes I do. But I also know this was already going to happen. And I know that from other sources not just him. We aren’t the people we were all those years ago. But i am head over heels in love with who he is now. It’s going to be a difficult journey. I don’t expect to parachute into each other’s lives. We have children.
But life is too short to just exist. His relationship ended a long time before he met me.

What your husband did was very unfair. This isn’t a surprise to any party involved. Doesn’t make it any easier.

TheStoic

Absolutely.
And I think it depends on the type of affair - and what is called an ‘affair’ in general....

For me - the real ‘affair’ - is when people meet (for whatever reason) - and then develop feelings. That eventually lead them to wanting to change their lives and be together.
Those are a minority, I think.

Majority of men/women going outside of their marriage for a little bit of variety - erotic, sexual, etc. - a bit of excitement, something new, something different from daily life - these don’t have a purpose of changing a life-path.
They may be short lived. Sometimes become a longer term arrangement.
But - not an ‘affair’ in the classical sense.
And most of those aren’t discovered. And shouldn’t be.
Not until people are ready to see the world as not black/white.

Yes I do shopping. But I don't discuss domestic tasks with my partner. I keep domestic stuff as far away as possible from my relationship. I also have a cleaner for this reason

So your Partner (I note he's not your husband after 10 years), doesn't do any domestic chores, and you keep that side of your home hidden, in order to keep him? So you are gliding along the surface like a swan, and paddling like mad underneath?

You listened to all of the married men you slept with, who churned out that tied and lame excuse, that they were having an affair, because of the drudgery at home. And boy, did that sink in. So now, in order to not appear domesticated or boring, you do all of the chores (in secret) and have a cleaner. Just to keep your Man. Can you see the irony? You are doing more than your fair share, in order to keep your Partner.

Do you also bring him his pipe and slippers, when he gets home from work. Who the fuck needs Women's Lib eh?

1950 called, they want you back.

@irregularchoices, I also pity you that you look back on multiple shenanigans with married men with a feeling of satisfaction. I'm not moralising from an ivory tower as I once developed very strong feelings for a married man (I was 27 and he was 34) and instead of walking away I had a fling with him. I realised thought that I had issues to do with low self-esteem and issues to do with intimacy. I learnt from it. I feel regret. I was wrong not to have walked away.

It is startling to read somebody who did this repeatedly and after the benefit of time and hindsight recounts it with a smiley face.