Being the other woman/conniving in deception/dropping the trapdoor

[Smudge100]

Six years ago I came home from work to find my then husband had thoughtfully changed the locks on the house before eloping with the woman down the road. When I finally gained entry, I discovered that they had everything useful and even my poor dog.

It’s a common enough story. However, the lady in question was someone I felt close to. She had successfully posed as a friend to both of us, so successfully in fact that I never had an inkling that she had having an affair with my husband for eighteen months. I was later to learn that they had planned their departure to coincide with her reaching pensionable age (at 50, I might add), so that they could both retire to the area where my then husband and I had for years planned to spend our twilight years. Every detail had been carefully put in place. I was left to discover over the ensuing few months not only how methodical and comprehensive their planning had been, but how heavily it had relied upon my ignorance of it. I still struggle with the scale of that duplicity and the extent of my own wilful blindness.

In the intervening years I have given considerable thought to the steely nerves and the sheer brazenness it must have taken for her to maintain that equaniminous demeanour of unruffled nonchalance whilst pursuing a project that she knew would rob me not just of my future, but my faith in human nature and in my own judgement. I’m not suggesting that she owed me a duty of loyalty – far from it - she owed me much less than my equally devious ex-husband. But strangely, I have actually wondered more about her role in it than his. My question is not: have you ever been the Other Woman? There have been plenty of threads in that particular well-worn vein, though I certainly wouldn’t want to discourage anyone with that particular experience from posting, in fact I’d be very interested to hear your point of view. It is however rather, have you ever been a party to the carefully-planned and protracted deception of a third party, particularly someone you knew well? If so, why? Was it for personal gain? Did you despise your victim? Feel they deserved what they got? Ever feel a tinsy bit guilty or the need to justify/rationalise it to yourself? What were your motives exactly? I’m not here to judge anyone, I’m long beyong that now, I’m just still curious about the psychological dynmamic of cheating, the whole process of misleading, placating, dissembling before another person, of not being yourself, of not showing your true face and the strain that places, if any, on the person practising deception. Please feel free to be brutally honest. If only they had been.

And it’s been the best year+ of my life

You have pushed the self-destruct button, be prepared for the worst jsku

I’m not upset at your actions Irregularchoicesss
Your lack of self respect is disturbing though,!insults and belittling attitude to the wives involved is disturbing though.

Posted too soon

‘Lack of self respect and belittling, insulting attitude to the wives involved’

Feelings re their wives? I felt sorry for them because they were usually doing the wifely duties and playing by the rules. Sadly this makes women unattractive to men. Its boring. Men dont see things in the same way as women, in the main. The men wanted sexual excitement. They wanted to talk. They didn't get this at home although they clearly cared for their wives. But their wives nagged and moaned and had become motherly. Not sexy women anymore. Focussed on their families and kids too heavily. Mundane and domestic.

So in your current relationship you don't do things that are 'wifely' And 'domestic'? Do you cook? You don't mop the floor or fold clothes? Who does then? Surely your partner doesn't do it all or you'd have contempt for them, as you do these women you've never met. Do you have children? Because surely that would make you a mother, hence 'motherly'. Focussing on your kids rather than stroking some dickhead's ego (and the rest). Why do you have such contempt for wives and mothers?

My relationship of 9 years ended due to the other woman. Who I knew. Who I discounted as a threat to our loving and happy relationship although I already knew that she had feelings towards my partner.

I'm over it now. But at the time I was truly heartbroken to the point of suicidal and the utter darkest thoughts of hopelessness.

Trust me. You come out the other side. You are still you. You still have a life. Not the path you intended but you have many opportunities to make your life what you want. :)

I always find it really odd how people say OW have no responsibility to the DW/DP.

If someone dropped their purse and didn’t realise you would pick it up and give it back to them, wouldn’t you?

If you saw someone fall over you’d put out your hand and help them up, wouldn’t you?

If you’re driving and someone wants to move into your lane, you slow down and give them space, right?

These are the basic rules of a society. People take very basic care of strangers all the time. If they didn’t do this society would fall apart. So no, you have no specific loyalty to the DW/DP but you have a human responsibility to be a vaguely decent person. Saying anything otherwise is just a pathetic excuse for being a sub-par human.

Sadly this makes women unattractive to men. Its boring.

These men are mostly all happily sleeping with their wives while lying to the bimbo on the side. It’s easy to lie to stupid people.

I wouldn't have progressed any of them further than they went

Interesting fantasy of choice there

It's not wrong to be a prostiture and people should (in my opinion) stop hinting that it is.

Irregular's sexist attitudes are by far worse than this.

Agree with AnyFucker.

Oh my god, how awful for you OP. I've never been the OW, but I have friends who have been cheated on and I also know people who have been the OW and I know husbands who have started.

1. In the worst situation I ever knew of, was like a friend's re-united thing, they saw each other again after 20 years, decided they should've always been together and embarked on a huge affair which ultimately tore the married woman apart. That was truly awful but I still maintain it's the lies and deception that do the most damage.
2. just an absaloute shit bag husband who shags around and charms his way in anywhere he can... wants his cake and eat it.
3. OW has massive self esteem issues and therefore finds any attention good attention regardless of where it's coming from.

For me I always think it's the lying that causes the devastation, my friend is in an open relationship and they are SO honest with each other about everything the marriage is rock solid (Possibly dysfunctional but who am I to judge) because they never lie and talk about everything.

I also think half the time with affairs it's a thrill thing, like others have said and the poor wife just isn't given much of a thought really. Both parties are equally as selfish.

I also think however the OW is always branded to harshly. Yes she did an enormous wrong, especially in your case and in any case where she's been a friend etc that's appalling but if she was a total stranger, she technically has no loyalty to the wife (morals aside!) but yet somehow gets a harder time than cheating husband...

I think every situation is different and I tend to look at things in every way possible before making a judgement call.

In relation to your trust, I can totally understand how that would effect you and your life and that's very hard. But you should never blame yourself EVER. If you find it's having a negative impact now, have you thought about counselling etc?

Anyway that's my two pennies worth. Hope it helped and hope you have many more good days OP

Yeah I'm with AF.

IrregularChoicesss - what disgusts me most is the fact that you say you wanted no relationship with these men but were willing to fuck up the lives of their wives (and potentially children) if they were caught out just so you could continue to get a thrill from being wanted and some gifts? You were willing to break up families? Seriously? Is that what you think you are worth? Are you sociopathic? Is that why you are so entitled and believe that your wants are more important than other people's lives? Why don't you try getting a job you enjoy so that you can afford to buy your own fucking handbags? Get some self respect so that you can learn that being a glorified prostitute isn't all you are worth.

CelticClassie - I doubt she's got children, I imagine she's swapped them for a pair of Louboutins.

I know someone who did this, both of them were married. She targeted the man who had been married a long time but had a well paid job and a large ‘escape fund’. This enabled her to get the life she wanted,she is a narcissist and totally manipulative and rentless when she wants something.

I am sure there others the same.

Oh those poor weak men just having to put their penis in these sociopathic women.

You know, the party that actually should give a shit about their wives and children.

Oh absolutely Parallel.... But some of these 'ladies' ARE sociopathic and don't care who they hurt as long as they get what they want. Yes, the husband's are cunts but in my opinion the ones who are bored and fancy fucking about with someone else's husband's just so they can get their ego stroked are so much fucking worse. If these vile women ever decide to have kids, jeez I can only cringe at the poor example they will set them.

The ow or om is absolutely and utterly irrelevant. They deserve not one iota of your attention. Thy are nobody, nothing, The action of your partners infidelity is the issue. The person is simply a different cock or cunt. My advice is don’t waste a second thinking about them.

Something that hasnt yet been mentioned is that sometimes the combination of the deceiver and the other party escalates the deceit. So both almost egg each other on. When I found out about my ex H affair it was very clear that OW was a willing active participant in the deceit and later his ongoing attempts to take everything from me. So she was not and never has been an innocent in the deception.

My view on people and trusting them has been very damaged. Our marriage was over - it was dull, not working. He could have left at any time but chose not to behave in any sort of a decent way. He carries on deceiving even now.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Sun 10-Jun-18 06:02:43
I always find it really odd how people say OW have no responsibility to the DW/DP.

If someone dropped their purse and didn’t realise you would pick it up and give it back to them, wouldn’t you?

If you saw someone fall over you’d put out your hand and help them up, wouldn’t you?

If you’re driving and someone wants to move into your lane, you slow down and give them space, right?

These are the basic rules of a society. People take very basic care of strangers all the time. If they didn’t do this society would fall apart. So no, you have no specific loyalty to the DW/DP but you have a human responsibility to be a vaguely decent person. Saying anything otherwise is just a pathetic excuse for being a sub-par human.

This, absolutely.

Yes it is absolutely the duplicity and betrayal that kills you. I could have handled my xh falling out of love with me or wanting to separate, but discovering the length of his affair, the depth of his lies, was utterly devastating.

It is very hard to discover that the person you love most in the world is actively making choices to deliver you the worst hurt you've ever experienced. In a way, your whole history is rewritten as you realise that he isn't the person you thought he was.

Of course you also hate yourself for being so gullible and trusting, a poor judge of character. No amount of counselling, medication or time has helped me to come to terms with the fact that I was loving him while he was lying in order to fuck someone else.

So many memories spoiled as you realise where he really was that day, who he was texting as he lay next to you, who he was sneaking out of the hotel room to call.

When discovered, he said the guilt had nearly consumed him to the point he could hardly look at me. During the affair years he started smoking, began to drink heavily, piled weight on, aged years and years.

He said the only was he could live with what he was doing was by convincing himself he 'deserved something nice for himself because he worked so hard', that I'd never be hurt by it because I'd never find out, that he'd end the affair tomorrow (of course tomorrow never came) and finally by demonising me.

He said the ow didn't feel guilty because she felt that she personally wasn't doing anything wrong, and because he told her lies about me to make her believe that I deserved it. He told her that I ignored him, that we lived separate lives, that we'd already discussed separation, that I was with him for his money, that we hadn't had sex for years, that I'd turned the dc against him, that I was lazy and didn't do anything at home.

So yes, I guess that's how they live with themselves. The ow pretends to believe his lies. He compartmentalises and convinces himself that no one will ever know.

But why would the OW pretend to believe his lies? The wife believes his lies and usually thinks he's a good guy who would never cheat so why wouldn't the OW be convinced he's telling the truth in the same way as the wife is?

We know these men are very good liars.

I see the OW as being like a receiver of stolen goods. They know what they are receiving is 'stolen' but justify it to themselves because they arent the one doing the 'stealing'.

In law knowingly receiving stolen goods is a criminal offence and so I think knowingly receiving a 'stolen' relationship is a social offence. The OW/OM cant claim innocence.

Hi OP I think your situation is awful, I can’t imagina doing something like that at al... I get affairs, Burt monetary gain, that’s something else!

I was the OW and I’m not going to bother you with the details but originally i thought he just wanted some fun on the side and that there was this implicit arrangement between us that as long as nobody knew it was OK. To be fair that only lasted like 10 days or even less, within a week we realized we wanted to be properly together.

In a space of 4 months we both separated and moved out., We are as happy as we can be given the fallout. His ex despises me (which is completely understandable) but sees everything as my fault (which is not the case it takes two to tango). Apparently I should have said “no”. I find this quite interesting because I don’t understand why you’d rather stay with someone who is willing to cheat than end your marriage?

I wish her all the happiness in the world. i hope that she finds someone who truly is her perfect match. i feel sorry for their son who’s paying the highest price, but I think we would have struggle with any sort of separation regardless of the context.

Just out of interest, with all the talk of gold digging OWs- do the wives acknowledge how much gold they themselves have claim to? How therefore financially and if children involved, emotionally difficult it would be to leave you for any reason whatsoever?

Do you make your relationship easier to leave to avoid the affair exit/relief option? Or do you just ignore the fct you may both be quite trapped as it is convenient?

I am the high earner in our relationship and I cannot leave my partner without havig to sell everything I have- and the thought of a few days a week without my children terrifies me. It terrifies me how heartbroken he will be. What if leaving Daddy damages the children? It terrifies me to unwind our friends and family relationships. The prospect of how we sort out Christmas even terrifies me. So I am still with this man. Limping on, miserably. Paying for everything, feeling nothing. Ive tied to fix it but he says he is madly in love with me - and seems very comfortable sitting at home evey night playing computer games and spending my money- nothing ever changes. He is a friend - more than the slob Im suggesting- but I fell out of love years ago. I cant work out how to get out without causing him and others unbearable hurt. So he doesnt know how sad I am. So.

Now I havent had an affair but have strugled with wild fantasy desperate crushes on men I catch glimpses of who maybe could make me happy. I know tht are humiliating fantasies because I am sad and I dont follow them up.

But god I am certainly in a position where I can see that as a balm to just such a relentlessly boring and sad life. “Just leave”- not always possible. Not when your partner is a “good person”and there are children.

How easy would it be for an unhappy person to leave you?

ladamanera your story is similar to how my marriage was. My xH was also emotionally abusive but that’s a different story, I would say JUST LEAVE i did. And sure I don’t see my daughter everyday anymore but i’m Free and my daughter seems a lot happier and is thriving.

Divorce seems to have been beneficial to her because what she was seeing at home was incredibly unhealthy. Plus I get to spend my money whichever way I want ;)

I have been OW. He had a long term DP, no children. He was ten years older than me and was known as a serial cheat. I didn't hate her, I was jealous and resented her and kind of saw her as standing in my way as she didn't deserve him - I was young and stupid. He made a lot of promises and in the end I grew impatient and called her and told her everything. They split up and he and I stayed together but a few years later I left him for someone else. So no hate, I just wanted what I wanted and wanted her to get out of the way.

A friend of mine though would go and sit outside her MM's home to spy on him and his family, she wished miscarriage on his DW and was actually very obsessive and unhealthy about the whole thing.

Sorry this happened to you OP. Did you get your dog back?

It's easier to leave with integrity than fuck up a lot of peoples lives with an affair.

I've seen marriages end both ways and you can't avoid pain, it's cowardly to try to, but far far more of it dished out when an affair is involved.

Lad, if you're not happy, if no amount of effort or counselling will help, I would strongly suggest you do the decent thing and let him go. Yes you will have to share your assets and time with your dc. But you will have to do that anyway if you embark on an affair and it is discovered, just in much worse circumstances.