Being the other woman/conniving in deception/dropping the trapdoor

[Smudge100]

Six years ago I came home from work to find my then husband had thoughtfully changed the locks on the house before eloping with the woman down the road. When I finally gained entry, I discovered that they had everything useful and even my poor dog.

It’s a common enough story. However, the lady in question was someone I felt close to. She had successfully posed as a friend to both of us, so successfully in fact that I never had an inkling that she had having an affair with my husband for eighteen months. I was later to learn that they had planned their departure to coincide with her reaching pensionable age (at 50, I might add), so that they could both retire to the area where my then husband and I had for years planned to spend our twilight years. Every detail had been carefully put in place. I was left to discover over the ensuing few months not only how methodical and comprehensive their planning had been, but how heavily it had relied upon my ignorance of it. I still struggle with the scale of that duplicity and the extent of my own wilful blindness.

In the intervening years I have given considerable thought to the steely nerves and the sheer brazenness it must have taken for her to maintain that equaniminous demeanour of unruffled nonchalance whilst pursuing a project that she knew would rob me not just of my future, but my faith in human nature and in my own judgement. I’m not suggesting that she owed me a duty of loyalty – far from it - she owed me much less than my equally devious ex-husband. But strangely, I have actually wondered more about her role in it than his. My question is not: have you ever been the Other Woman? There have been plenty of threads in that particular well-worn vein, though I certainly wouldn’t want to discourage anyone with that particular experience from posting, in fact I’d be very interested to hear your point of view. It is however rather, have you ever been a party to the carefully-planned and protracted deception of a third party, particularly someone you knew well? If so, why? Was it for personal gain? Did you despise your victim? Feel they deserved what they got? Ever feel a tinsy bit guilty or the need to justify/rationalise it to yourself? What were your motives exactly? I’m not here to judge anyone, I’m long beyong that now, I’m just still curious about the psychological dynmamic of cheating, the whole process of misleading, placating, dissembling before another person, of not being yourself, of not showing your true face and the strain that places, if any, on the person practising deception. Please feel free to be brutally honest. If only they had been.

All sounds very ....dramatic

Agreed. Got to work up the courage. I thought i should morally let him go so he can find aomeone who loves him more and we’ve had conversations to that effect (although I used the term “more compatible”) but he seems determined that this is exactly the life he wants.. he says he couldnt afford to live anywhere else and that he doesnt think he could manage solo holidays with the children. So here we are. When I have the courage to be the Villain, I’ll do it hopefully without another romance’s incentive to be brutal.

But i just wanted to offer another perspective. Its so easy to dehumanise those who have affairs rather than imagine they could have been trapped even inadvertently by the castles we make of our marriages.

OP. An awful way for it to happen. People leave each other all the time but why do it that way with all the planning. Just tell you and go!!

Irregularchoices, I'd have done the same in your situation. Don't think you've done anything wrong. Saw an opportunity, took it and had fun. Far too long in the tooth to so that now but wouldn't have had a problem with it either when I was younger without kids. Way I see it, it's the men being unfaithful. So long as it's not a best friends husband or someone you know I don't believe in sisterhood.

I'm married and had numerous affairs, sometimes several on the go at once
I know all the bullshit lines men say and don't fall for it
I'm having a great time, lots of attention and excitement and great sex, and that's all I want, it's just a distraction from the daily grind
I'm currently seeing three men regularly, as for the wives? I don't give a fuck, not my problem

@MarianneUnfaithfull

🤣🤣 do people actually fall for your crap? It's like a bad comedy!

Whatever you like.

Marianne, bollocks. Nobody has time to maintain a convincing marriage whilst shagging three other men. The waxing and showering alone must be a huge time commitment.

What a horrible pair, OP, sounds like they deserve each other and you are well rid. You know the saying 'once a cheater ...' so perhaps one or both of them are at it again.

I have plenty of time, I'm free during the day most of the week, so that's how it works, men are self employed and can take the day off, I do a lot of "shopping"
Sometimes we'll just meet for a morning or afternoon

How do you meet all your men Marianne?

Hilarious.

Like a Jackie collins. Drivel "novel".

I meet them on sites set up for that very purpose , affair sites

Well there you go op. You wondered how people could deceive and betray their spouse, how they justified it, and mariane has popped up to tell you. You can stop worrying now because, honestly, wouldn't you rather be you than her?

On these sites I have seen numerous clients, colleagues of Dh and also my neighbour, it's way way more common than you think

RainySeptember, your waxing showering comment is very funny. Not like it needs done daily. I get waxed once a month, takes half an hour, not a lot of time. Don't know why it's so unbelievable to have 3 men on the go. Adds excitement, marrianne is in it for the sex and that's what she gets. Everyone's happy.

I meet them on sites set up for that very purpose , affair sites

I thought so. I have a friend who does the same. They're not "affairs" though. You're just meeting up for a shag.

Also the thing about those sites imvho is you're not being chosen or choosing because you've had a connection. You're basically going on there and saying "I am up for a shag* so you're responses aren't going to be driven by how attractive you are to them or a meeting of the minds. It's basically well anyone will do as long as I get sex. It's settling on a multiple scale, nothing personal about it, you could be anyone. That just doesn't do it for me.

True up to point Holly, although two of them are long term and we do things together without sex sometimes, we're good friends, chat loads and have managed the occasional weekend together, I've had a few one night stands as well
Also the men think they are the only one I am seeing
It's just sex and fun and boredom relief, I don't want them to leave their wives at all

Multiple affairs are all fine until someone gets in too deep or there's that nasty little STI - which one did you catch it from, who have you passed it on to?

What happens when an affair partner's wife finds out and turns out not to be so understanding or downtrodden as to be forgiving?

In my case he did stupid stuff to deflect from shit going on in real life, shit that wasn’t related to me, business, dying parent etc, I do think as someone else said boredom and domestic grind can play a big part. OP, if this is true it’s horrible and I wish them a nasty dose of karma at some point

Interesting use of the word ‘client’ there Marianne 🤔

OP, they sound very cowardly. I planned a getaway and it required a lot of planning but I found it very difficult and the mask slipped a few times because lying, even to an abusive man, especially to an abusive man, it's very hard. I cannot believe your friend and your xh put you through this confusion. Betrayal is always partly confusing but this must have felt like some disgusting magic trick. I hope you're over it partly.

I felt sorry for them because they were usually doing the wifely duties and playing by the rules. Sadly this makes women unattractive to men. Its boring. Men dont see things in the same way as women, in the main. The men wanted sexual excitement. They wanted to talk. They didn't get this at home although they clearly cared for their wives. But their wives nagged and moaned and had become motherly. Not sexy women anymore. Focussed on their families and kids too heavily. Mundane and domestic

Did you ever think that the wives were left at home, with all the grudge work, because the dicks you were screwing, weren't at home to help? Fuck me!

If you are SO fabulous Irregularchoicesss how many of these men actually left their boring wives, and proposed marriage to you? Because, for every man who didn't, he actually preferred his wife to you. Despite the fact that you were putting in maximum effort to be sexy and exciting, they all still thought that their boring wives were better life Partners than you. That actually makes you quite lacking. Even when you tried your absolute hardest, you still weren't good enough to leave their wives for. How depressing.

I had a very long emotional affair with someone married

To be honest with you I tried not to think about the wife initially, I didn’t know her and his story was their marriage was ‘just for the kids’, in my own idiocy I actually felt some pity for him and that is how it began emotionally confiding in each other things you probably wouldn’t tell your husband/wife - your deepest darkest thoughts and feelings. It’s a bit addictive because you feel special that you are the one they feel emotionally connected to. We also had an overwhelming attraction we told ourselves wasn’t our fault as we couldn’t help it.
I did post on here about it because it was so dysfunctional and ended up quite unpleasant. I do not know if his wife will ever know and I feel very ashamed of my own behaviour, and my pity is for her being married to a man like that. I’ve cut off from him now because it was toxic. But for some time I probably would have made it work if he had chosen me. There is the crux - being chosen makes you feel somehow special and important.
The whole thing is ego and self esteem led. It’s exciting to have an affair and even deception can feel exciting. You can push down all those doubts and guilt if you want to - some people are very good at that. I wasn’t that good at it and the guilt and hurt really got to me.

I am sorry for what I did to her and ashamed and embarrassed but perhaps that is because I was not ever really chosen? Who knows if I would have proudly parades him around if I had ‘won’ him (this makes me feel sick about myself). I ended it when I realised he wouldn’t choose me. My self esteem was on the floor. I have to build it back up to where I never want to go down that road ever again because I do know and feel it’s morally wrong but I think a lot of people don’t care about morals and never feel very guilty. They win the partner and it probably feels victorious

If someone dropped their purse and didn’t realise you would pick it up and give it back to them, wouldn’t you?
—-
I see the OW as being like a receiver of stolen goods.

This is one of the reasons people become unhappy and start looking for excitement elsewhwre.
Being taken for granted, thought of as a possession rightfully belonging to someone.

Your spouses aren’t purses. Or possessions that bad-someone can take off of you.
They are human beings with a free will. And when they are unhappy or missing something in their lives - they may go an do something about it.

Look at the affairs websites. Just out of curiosity. See what the men, women say on their profiles....
Sure - lots of them lie about something. And a big share of them just want a little extra sex on the side.

But I have met/talked to number of men of those websites. And no - I didn’t sleep with most of them - because it’s not how it works.
Many, so many men seemed just as unhappy as many women on here. Stuck in loveless, affection/intimacy-less marriages. At best - living with a mate, at worst - with a mutually sad partner. And mostly because there are kids.

And many of these men are just looking for a human connection, spark that they don’t have at home.
In addition to sex, obviously, because it’s the first thing that goes when relationships become stale.

So - it’s easy to rage against the OW or OM. But in reality - most it’s just a symptom of something not going right.

The replies are so predictable. Anyone who thinks they have ownership of their husband or partner is deluding themselves. People are not purses.

If you have become boring or let yourself go or nag and whine, not willing to experiment in bed, guess what? Your husband is probably highly tempted to look elsewhere. If you think because you said some words 25 years ago that means you are able to coast along, become a harpie or a no fun sour puss, think again.

If you think it's just sex you are mistaken. It's emotional intimacy too. More than they probably have with the boring fat wife at home who wears big knickers and frumpy clothes and gas bags about the Tesco shop and fusses on about picking her mother up for Sunday lunch.

Or, in the case of women who cheat, an uninspiring man that sits playing computer games all day and does nothing to keep the relationship alive and exciting.

All the same variations on a theme.

In case you hadn't noticed, life is a competition. Some you win and some you don't. Don't wail when you lose and blame everyone else.

Learnt a lot about men and relationships through the flings. I didnt want the men i had flings with. They were a poor long term choice. They came with baggage. Why would i want a man still paying for his old life? No thanks.