PIL given huge sum of £ to nephew

[bopeepsheep]

I know the mantra, I know it's their money to do as they please etc. I know. I just can't get my head around the madness of what FIL has done with their money and feel quite bitter.

I have 2DC who are 12 and 14 who have never been given a penny and receive a selection box for Xmas and £10 on their birthday every year. We have never asked for money for any reason, we were not given a wedding present and DH received an old work suit of FIL's for his 21st. We assumed they were just frugal and did not share their money, which is fine. We have paid when we go out together and we have always bought useful generous gifts.

We found out last year that they decided to give £50K, all the money left to them by DH's DGM to a homeless drug addict? He is in prison for attacking his GF now. It is such a sad situation and I cannot reconcile it all in my mind. We saw them several times during this period and knowing Ns behaviour we specifically discussed him asking for money and advised them strongly not to give him any cash (I work with vulnerable young adults and was trying to support DN into housing and work with the help of the local SS team). FIL repeatedly assured DH that he was not giving N money.

We also found put that they paid for the deposit on BIL's house and have paid off all his debts. We are on an average family income and manage but we are not by any means well off and I work 60 hours a week, 6 days a week at the moment due to financial pressure.

I know it is their money and they can do what they want, I know my DH and DC have no claim on anyones money but I am feeling very hurt and bitter and no longer want to extend the help and support we have given them over the years, including having them stay etc.

Please help me reconcile this if you have any advice. Please don't flame me, I have put this is relationships because I need advice, not a bollocking.

Thanks

Follow their lead. Selection box for Christmas. Card for birthdays.
They are twats though.

I can understand you being upset , but realistically there's nothing you can do. If it makes you feel better by withdrawing a bit then do so .

I would be hurt and bitter too. Have they been emotionally manipulated into this ? Can you tell them how it makes you feel ?

No bollocking from me! I would feel the same. When N comes out of prison, that money will go straight up his nose, so what a waste! In fact Dil is doing N no favours, just putting him back on the road to nowhere! I hope you win the lottery, OP, you deserve some luck.

How did you find out?

Has your DH talked to FIl about things recently?

I would carry on seeing them as normal but be frugal because you’re stretched financially. So chocolates at xmas. Picnics and walks on days together rather then eating out and expensive day trips. Tell them you’re cutting your cloth to fit if quizzed

What advice do you think people can give you exactly? You've already said you know it's their money to do with as they please. Their not even your parents. If anyone has some right to feel put out it's your H, not you. This is all about your feelings and it's down to you to deal with them like an adult. Or you can behave like a child, spit the dummy and ultimately cause a family rift that will hurt your children and husband just for the sake of your ego.

Putting aside money, what do you and DH actually get out of the relationship? Are they generous with their time, supportive, do they help out with kids, diy or other practical things? Are they good grandparents generally?

If the answer is yes, would DH be open to the four of you talking about this - if nothing else to ensure the money has been genuinely given freely rather than coercion, emotional blackmail, or outright extortion?

If the answer to the above is no, I would consider taking a big, big step back from them and go very low contact.

Thanks for the kind replies, means a lot.

The money is all gone
They were manipulated in a fashion, but it was an incredibly weak 'scam'. N has been homeless and a drug addict for 4 years, he was on and off the streets - we would sort him with a hostel and secure work and as soon as he got the first pay cheque he'd take off again and turn up a week or so later. N told FIL that he was getting a job as a prison officer and being offered training that cost £1000 a month and it had to be paid in cash. That was it. So FIL - who has a Masters degree, was a deputy head for 20 years and is now the Treasurer of the local large church transffered the cash into N's friends accounts repeatedly.

FIL panicked when DH pointed out for the 4th time that N had been posting pictures on facebook of expensive phones etc and tried to start a discussion because I was concerned N was involved in gang activity - and he was looking physically terrible. MIL then blurted out 'FIL you must tell them what you've given him'

They are not stupid people and they are not naive. BIL has been an alcoholic and drug user for years and they have seen his friends die, and yet they gave N £50K.

I am just glad he is still alive. It is tragic really.

I just keep thinking that DC could have used a fraction of that money for university or any manner of useful investment. It's so frustrating and painful.

DH doesn't want to discuss it - he is utterly horrified and devastated. They didn't give him a penny towards uni and we paid it all off together, saved for a house, paid for our wedding.......

What are you upset about? That they have given nephew money, which may or may not have been a bad idea?

Or

That they haven't given you any money?

Because the two are not necessarily directly related. If they hadn't given money to DN it doesn't mean that they would have given it to you instead.

I presume they gave it to DN because they felt he needed it, and because they were worried about the debts and the trouble he was getting into, and thought that giving him the money may have helped him too stay on the straight and narrow. They may well not have been correct about that - but it was their judgement to make, and they live with the consequences of it.

You seem most upset that they haven't given you any money - despite the fact that you both work and are managing fine. I can't see why they would feel any overwhelming need to give you money - you seem to be a perfectly normal family, doing what normal families do - working hard and getting by. It's not normal for most families to have large sums of money given to them by relatives, and you certainly have no entitlement to any of your in-laws money. Thank your lucky stars that your life has turned out OK, and you haven't ended up in a situation that was so desperate that your relatives felt you needed bailing out.

You were happy with them not having given you money before- so why has that changed?

And as for not letting them stay anymore because they haven't given you any cash lump sum? That's grabby and spiteful.

Way to put the boot in TooGoodToBeTrue

This seems like a mad decision - could they have been coerced?

I'd be hopping mad. But this is mumsnet, and you'll get loads of posters saying "It's their money, their choice, bla bla"

Who the hell gives someone an old suit for a 21st? They sound positively batshit crazy.

All very, very strange. You have my utmost sympathies.

Might they have altered their Will, to ensure that your DH gets the lions share when they pass, to even things up?

We get nothing out of the relationship. FIL hates atheists and northeners and I am both. He is very sexist and I am the breadwinner. He has made no secret of the fact he finds our children's accent 'unfortunate' and DD's sporting prowess and netball attire 'unsuitable'.

I have already taken a big step back. I think it's how I view them. I always treated them with great courtesy and respect out of respect for DH - as I thought I should. I now see things differently.

Thanks for the kindness and advice, I haven't discussed this is RL and it's helpful to see others can see my point and agree stepping back is sensible. Parity.

I'd be so upset and angry that I couldn't face them any more, so I'd cut contact with them and tell them exactly why. They obviously don't value you and see you as equal to other family members.

Yes, MN is a mixed bag and I knew people would slip over from AIBU but I don't need a bollocking so will ignore as it'll derail what is very useful.

They were coerced to an extent, but they chose to believe obvious nonsense and not discuss it with anyone.

I never thought once about anyone giving me money, I do not need it. I feel bitter that my DC will not be treated fairly and receive the same as N. It was a terrible choice to give him the money and I am just glad he is still alive.

They have not altered their will as far as we know and have told DH they will be leaving their legacy to the church. We have always accepted this is their choice.

DH told me last night that he thinks BIL will inherit now as he has 'found god'

Way to put the boot in TooGoodToBeTrue

Sorry if I'm not prepared to participate in a group hug and pretend I don't see this as a straightforward case of jelousy and greed. You crack on and tell the OP it's perfectly reasonable to stop her childrens' grandparents coming to visit because she's got a case of the green eyed monster.

This is the sort of thing my family would do. It's so sad and upsetting. I'm sorry.

Don't listen to people who stick the boot in over your feelings btw. They're reacting to a stupid old fashioned notion that money is somehow immoral and something that shouldn't matter. It DOES fucking matter. Money can mean security, increased choice, fewer working hours, more time for the children. It DOES hurt not to realise you've been treated meanly when others have been indulged.

Yes TooGood it's jealousy. It's perfectly sensible to give £50k to some arsehole who is going to spend it all on drugs. Perfectly. Sensible.

I'd be pissed off too!! They're enabling his addiction and rewarding atrocious behaviour the stupid idiots. Sorry no advice but yeah back off do whatever to make you feel better. Twats

Arrgh, XPost with you bopeep. I am so sorry, i missed the list of why FIL is a tool. In which case, please ignore the above and go NC - for thosevreasons alone, never mind the worry.

If anyone has some right to feel put out it's your H, not you.

Yes of course. People are not allowed to feel hurt or upset when their loved ones - their spouses and children - are treated in an inequitable way. You must breeze through unfairness! The feelings and material situations of your husband and your children are nothing to do with you!

Bloody ridiculous.

I can see why you are hurt. Time to step back I think.

OP, google "scapegoat and golden child" and see if it fits your DH's childhood.

Yes it's their money but I can totally understand your upset. Especially since this was inheritance money so not even really their own (in a sense, I know that's not legally accurate.)

From what you've described of how they treat you and your children, I think you'd be best off pulling away from them.

Toxic In Laws might be a helpful read if your PIL are as dysfunctional as I suspect.

@TooTrueToBeGood you're wrong. It's frustration at how two families are treated so differently. It doesn't have to be jealousy. Now bugger off to somewhere else