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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

PIL given huge sum of £ to nephew

161 replies

bopeepsheep · 09/06/2018 15:17

I know the mantra, I know it's their money to do as they please etc. I know. I just can't get my head around the madness of what FIL has done with their money and feel quite bitter.

I have 2DC who are 12 and 14 who have never been given a penny and receive a selection box for Xmas and £10 on their birthday every year. We have never asked for money for any reason, we were not given a wedding present and DH received an old work suit of FIL's for his 21st. We assumed they were just frugal and did not share their money, which is fine. We have paid when we go out together and we have always bought useful generous gifts.

We found out last year that they decided to give £50K, all the money left to them by DH's DGM to a homeless drug addict? He is in prison for attacking his GF now. It is such a sad situation and I cannot reconcile it all in my mind. We saw them several times during this period and knowing Ns behaviour we specifically discussed him asking for money and advised them strongly not to give him any cash (I work with vulnerable young adults and was trying to support DN into housing and work with the help of the local SS team). FIL repeatedly assured DH that he was not giving N money.

We also found put that they paid for the deposit on BIL's house and have paid off all his debts. We are on an average family income and manage but we are not by any means well off and I work 60 hours a week, 6 days a week at the moment due to financial pressure.

I know it is their money and they can do what they want, I know my DH and DC have no claim on anyones money but I am feeling very hurt and bitter and no longer want to extend the help and support we have given them over the years, including having them stay etc.

Please help me reconcile this if you have any advice. Please don't flame me, I have put this is relationships because I need advice, not a bollocking.

Thanks

OP posts:
SingleDingle · 09/06/2018 19:59

We did point out to the police* that FIL is the church treasurer and they said it was concerning but beyond their remit *

I don’t understand. Was there an investigation into the fact this money was misappropriated by N? Why were you in discussion with the police?

Juells · 09/06/2018 20:07

I think the FiL initially claimed the money had been stolen, that's why the police were involved possibly?

Original poster
bopeepsheep · 09/06/2018 20:09

Sorry, it is confusing

FIL called the police and reported N for theft and fraud. The police investigated and found no case - they said that there was evidence FIL knew the course was not genuine and sent me a file of emails. It was very upsetting.

OP posts:
TerfsUp · 09/06/2018 20:09

@Juells - you implied that the man in question was illegitimate. And I play the ball, not the player.

Original poster
bopeepsheep · 09/06/2018 20:10

Sorry for drip feeding
I wanted to do a simple straightforward post to sort my head out but this has been so helpful. Thanks

OP posts:
BettyBaggins · 09/06/2018 20:13

Hang on a minute, am I reading this right?

FIL Head teacher?
N's Mum was his vulnerable pupil?
BIL was how old at this time?

Juells · 09/06/2018 20:14

@TerfsUp
@Juells - you implied that the man in question was illegitimate. And I play the ball, not the player.

Ummmmm...as far as I know the BiL wasn't married to N's mother, who was a vulnerable schoolgirl. That's what I took from it anyway.

Juells · 09/06/2018 20:15

@BettyBaggins

"FIL Head teacher?
N's Mum was his vulnerable pupil?
BIL was how old at this time?"

Indeedyweedy

TerfsUp · 09/06/2018 20:17

This is getting more soap opera-like by the minute.

Guiltypleasures001 · 09/06/2018 20:18

Or is nephews dad your FIL ?

Juells · 09/06/2018 20:20

No, it was bizarre from the get-go. FiL gives £50,000 to a GC with drug problems, tells GC not to tell anyone else about it, then claims the GC stole it, police get involved and it turns out there was no theft...

Original poster
bopeepsheep · 09/06/2018 20:25

FIL deputy head
Mother 16
BIL 23 at the time

I know. We have been no contact with BIL for a long time. He is a terrible person,

OP posts:
Original poster
bopeepsheep · 09/06/2018 20:27

It is like a soap opera and I find it shameful and upsetting. Sorry for drip feeding - I thought it is helpful to be fully honest.

OP posts:
Juells · 09/06/2018 20:29

It's not shameful for you - you and your DH are the only normal ones in this set-up. All that effort you put in to helping the nephew, and FiL threw a grenade.

DunRoaming · 09/06/2018 20:34

I think the FIL might feel guilty for how he has handled the whole thing from the start when N was born - poor N, he is far worse off than your children. But of course, wasting that money on drugs is going to really rile, and I'd be upset about what a huge difference that money would make to my children's lives - university and travel, and maybe something towards a house deposit.
But I'd be most galled about it being left to the church.

I am sorry you got such horrid PIL - or FIL, really - where is MIL in all this?

Dancingmonkey87 · 09/06/2018 20:45

I’m a big believer in it’s up to the individual to who and how they live their money to. I certainly don’t think it’s up to you as someone who married in the family to be upset over their lack of contribution to your life. If anyone has the right to be abit put out it would be your dh. Regardless of their behaviour to you or your dc you still maintained a relationship with them however now you found out about the money you can’t face them all of a sudden.’ Sorry I agree with the other poster it comes across as grabby.

Original poster
bopeepsheep · 09/06/2018 20:46

MIL is very controlled but also incredibly difficult and spiteful in her own way. She would make me go and sit in the car to breast feed because it upset FIL.

Why have I accepted all this crap - no wonder I felt cross.

I feel like a weight has been lifted tbh.

Yes, I agree FIL has guilt over the appalling way N has been treated. Not Christian at all.

OP posts:
SakuraBlossom · 09/06/2018 20:49

OP, I totally get where you are coming from.

As a parent I will do everything in my power to make sure my DC are treated equally. If one needs money in the future they will only get it out of their eventual share of inheritance.

Also, you don't need to take that shit off your FIL regards being northern. Let me tell you something, I have lived in the N and the S of England and I have lived in 4 other countries. Out of all the people I have met, it is the Northerners who are the easiest going, friendly and most generous. In fact, I live down south and because of the snobbery I choose to mix with my own kind. Your FIL is a toffy nose twat.

Seriously though. Let them get on with it. You need to both take a massive step back from your DH's family and look after your own nest. Your FIL has favoured others over you so you don't owe him anything. Northern up and tell them that you cannot be part of the charade of giving your DN money to chuck up his nose and where this will end. Also tell them you both are hurt about the favouritism when all you have done in the past is be supportive and helpful. Tell them from now on they need to get their support elsewhere.

SakuraBlossom · 09/06/2018 20:54

Perhaps OP feels badly for her husband and the way it gets to him. It doesn't come across as grabby at all. Whether it is your parents or your partners, favouritism is really devastating. I know from experience. It happens in our family and as a result I have very little to do with their person. It works both ways.

LighthouseSouth · 09/06/2018 21:00

OP I can't help wondering if they gave N money after he assaulted his girlfriend, do they even care that he did that?

SickofPeterRabbit · 09/06/2018 21:44

I'm sorry but your FIL's comments about Northerners has absolutely enraged me!

I live in Harrogate in North Yorkshire and this place couldn't be any further from common!!! Neither could my accent!

SneakyGremlins · 09/06/2018 21:47

What does FIL mean about Netball being unsuitable? Hmm

BettyBaggins · 09/06/2018 22:06

Is there any contact with N's Mum?

Did FIL introduce BIL to her originally?

Mind boggling.

Original poster
bopeepsheep · 09/06/2018 22:39

He thinks netball is unsuitable because of the outfits apparently. Who gives a shit? Not me or DD! Grin
I had contact with Ns mum for a while, it was challenging. She met BIL at a party. ONS and no further contact, she was demonised by IL but seemed a vulnerable character to me. We lost contact when she moved and lost her phone repeatedly.
They seemed pleased when N assaulted his gf, told DH with glee. It gave them proof that he was a wrong un and they were victims. The money happened before this. When the money was cut off N was left high and dry and started stealing, gambling and then assaulted his gf when she wouldn't give him money. He was addicted to cocaine and became violent so he was arrested and is now in prison. All very sad and unnecessary. :(

OP posts:
Original poster
bopeepsheep · 09/06/2018 22:41

I feel bad for DH but I have suggested going NC many times and he is reluctant. I mainly feel for DC. I think the rejection of them explains my fierce reaction which is out of character.

OP posts:
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