PIL given huge sum of £ to nephew

[bopeepsheep]

I know the mantra, I know it's their money to do as they please etc. I know. I just can't get my head around the madness of what FIL has done with their money and feel quite bitter.

I have 2DC who are 12 and 14 who have never been given a penny and receive a selection box for Xmas and £10 on their birthday every year. We have never asked for money for any reason, we were not given a wedding present and DH received an old work suit of FIL's for his 21st. We assumed they were just frugal and did not share their money, which is fine. We have paid when we go out together and we have always bought useful generous gifts.

We found out last year that they decided to give £50K, all the money left to them by DH's DGM to a homeless drug addict? He is in prison for attacking his GF now. It is such a sad situation and I cannot reconcile it all in my mind. We saw them several times during this period and knowing Ns behaviour we specifically discussed him asking for money and advised them strongly not to give him any cash (I work with vulnerable young adults and was trying to support DN into housing and work with the help of the local SS team). FIL repeatedly assured DH that he was not giving N money.

We also found put that they paid for the deposit on BIL's house and have paid off all his debts. We are on an average family income and manage but we are not by any means well off and I work 60 hours a week, 6 days a week at the moment due to financial pressure.

I know it is their money and they can do what they want, I know my DH and DC have no claim on anyones money but I am feeling very hurt and bitter and no longer want to extend the help and support we have given them over the years, including having them stay etc.

Please help me reconcile this if you have any advice. Please don't flame me, I have put this is relationships because I need advice, not a bollocking.

Thanks

PIL have probably killed DN. With their cash, he's got no incentive to get clean and time's running out for his body to withstand 50k of class A.

PIL will be looking pretty silly at the funeral.

Don't spend more than a tenner on them, ever.

So your Fil hates Northerners? What an absolute charmer. Why exactly does he hate them? Does he feel the same about any other groups of people who are not sourthern and middle class?

webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?q=cache:UbvBS0zelicJ:www.drlaura.com/b/Parents-Playing-Financial-Favorites/-97170651845396672.html&num=1&hl=en&gl=uk&strip=1&vwsrc=0

Parents Playing Financial Favorites

"There have been so many times I've had a competent, confident, healthy individual call into the show who is doing well in life but is really upset because time, effort, and money are being given to their loser sibling. And I've had to explain time and again the sad reality: "You? They're just grateful you're doing fine. They don't have to worry about you. They're worried about the other one, and that's why they keep throwing fuel into the fire - to try and get the other one straightened out so they can be like you." It's really difficult to work hard your whole life to achieve a good lifestyle to find out that your irresponsible sibling is getting supported all the way along."

I remember a friend crying after his father's will was read out - he told me that all he heard was "your father didn't love you". He'd spent years working away, paying a mortgage, looking after his own children and trying to shield his brother's children from the effects of their father's alcoholism. When his father died he left all the money to the alcoholic brother, and left him his car. Terrible falling out between the brothers, as alcoholic brother kept saying "you're being so dramatic and unreasonable, Dad just wanted us to have parity. You have a house and I don't, this is for me to buy a house." Their relationship has never really recovered, although it's just about OK on the surface, but friend's memories of his father are forever poisoned by what happened.

He hates the North because it is common. He winces when our kids say 'mum' or 'dad' and get angry about all sorts of odd things. Apparently northerners:
neglect their kids
are all fat
eat too many chips
eat too many pies
drink too much
swear too much
do not go to church
the main religion is 'muslim'
go to the toilet in public
speak like idiots

And that is just what I can remember.

I can understand you feeling so hurt OP, I would be too. It sounds as though your and DH’s relationship with his parents has always been complex, and that your DH gets no consideration for being the responsible son. Some parents spend all their energy on the “broken” child and overlook the ones who don’t create problems.

Something similar happened in my DH’s family, he was the son who was given nothing at all whereas the other two received a house each. It hurt him profoundly, and made him question his entire relationship with his parents. We saw them less and less over the years as the injustice also extended to our children, and when they died my DH didn’t shed any tears.

I suggest your DH makes his feelings clear to them, and then withdraws from seeing them as often. I would stop the outings where you pay for them, stop the thoughtful gifts and just give token ones - not just because of their stupidity in giving the money to the nephew, but because their attitude in general towards you sounds unpleasant. The relationship is very unequal, and the injustice of giving such a large sum to someone so undeserving (are they really so naive?) is something I could never forgive.

Thank you for the link - I will have a proper read later

talking directly to your PIL isn't going to be easy is it. but clearly there are a lot of dysfunctional things going on in this family - who has a party to celebrate someone going to prison?

does your FIL know that the police gave you N e mails? Does he know that you know he was asking N to hide the fact that he was getting money from you?

I think its time for both you and your H to sit down and calmly speak to your parents in law.

its not about the money, its about the fairness of it - the thought that we treat our children equally. You wouldn't dream of buying one of your children an treat and letting the other one watch and not get anything would you and neither in truth would most parents.

I have no idea why your FIL thought this was a good idea or how he was duped. but you do need to make it very clear to your PIL that further down the line if they need financial help then its not coming from you and your husband.

you need to frame your discussions with them along the lines of how your own children will feel about this knowing that N has stuck this much money up his nose.

also you need to put down a marker. N is in prison now but when he comes out what then? will they remortgage to give him money? will they sell possessions?

As upset as you are with the ILs - you do realise this is financial abuse don't you?

They were manipulated in a fashion, but it was an incredibly weak 'scam'. N has been homeless and a drug addict for 4 years, he was on and off the streets - we would sort him with a hostel and secure work and as soon as he got the first pay cheque he'd take off again and turn up a week or so later. N told FIL that he was getting a job as a prison officer and being offered training that cost £1000 a month and it had to be paid in cash. That was it. So FIL - who has a Masters degree, was a deputy head for 20 years and is now the Treasurer of the local large church transffered the cash into N's friends accounts repeatedly

They have been scammed. So whilst you are upset, I dare say, they aren't too happy at facing financial ruin either.

BTW - you can be educated and also vulnerable and naïve.

PP hit a nerve with me. I am not sur how to link back but

*LanaorAna2 Sat 09-Jun-18 16:40:05
PIL have probably killed DN. *

This is a big part of it for me, he was homeless and vulnerable and they gave him money in a way that was incredibly irresponsible and told him to keep it secret. He could have died from and overdose, he could have been involved in a serious criminal gang. This money was given during a period that ss, a local charity and Dh and I were in close contact arranging work placements for him. FIL told him to keep it secret - I have seen the emails as the police sent them to us.

We were horrified and though N had stolen the money from the lies FIL told at first, that is not the case.

boopepsheep if you are a Northerner how can you possibly have a relationship with somebody who is so prejudiced towards Northerners?

They're obviously not facing financial ruin if he's contemplating leaving his money to the church.

Nothing to lose by going low or no-contact, that's what I'd do. Fuck 'em.

Crikey Juells how entitled and twisted. It is useful to get an insight into this mentality. It defies belief yet perfectly logical if you look at it from the alcoholic brothers POV.

bopeep
Your in laws sound stupid and vile. You know that you are infinitely richer than these people. You have a nice life and loving children and this is worth far more than any money. Your in laws are the ones, who have missed out on the love and joy of knowing you all, especially your children.

I think we can often overlook of forgive others weaknesses but not in regard to our children. I agree you should take a big step back from them. I’d look at low contact as an easier option than no contact. I’m nc with my brother and it is very difficult in relation to other family members. But only you and your dh can decide what you want to do.

I would also consider informing the police your fil is church treasurer.

Op I work in this area and most parents in your in laws situation if anything cut out the druggy feckless one, or put the money in a trust for sensible adults or solicitors to manage. Setting the unfairness to one side what they have done is actually irresponsible.

It's like the prodigal son all over again. I would want to say something to try and understand their thinking there may be a reason you are unaware of, or the wills may have been adjusted to ensure ultimate equality. On confirming this is not the case I'd leave them to make the effort.

You're a better person than I am. His sexism and his criticism of my daughter and her netball achievements would have put the nails in the coffin long before this. It's in no way spitting the dummy to distance yourself from toxic people. Sensible, shows your kids how not to put up with ill treatment from people just because you're related to them.

Or you can behave like a child, spit the dummy and ultimately cause a family rift that will hurt your children and husband just for the sake of your ego

I have concluded that people who write this sort of thing (above) lack basic reading comprehension skills and are unintelligent.

OP I would have been furious and disappointed as well. I have a similar situation going on in my life, complete with a worthless nephew with a criminal record. I think the people involved are giving favors or money to the undeserving are driven by the guilt that they are to blame for the messed up or unhappy offspring. The well adjusted seemingly happy/content children are ignored.

My mother kept telling us as children “the squeaky wheel gets the grease” and she greased the hell out of that wheel. My father always said, “An empty barrel makes the most noise” and he was right.

Pull back from them. Just send a christmas card, nothing more.

Btw; where I live you cannot become a prison officer if you have a criminal record.

Sounds like your H has been operating under FOG - fear, obligation and guilt - for years. Who gives their son a used work suit as a gift when they can afford otherwise?

Yeah, the presents would stop, and so would the meet ups where you pay the bill, just stop doing them.

They gave him 50k based on his story that he was being trained to be a prison officer at a cost of £1k a month?

So they believed it would take 50 months to achieve that training and paid it in a oner??

Just fuck them OP, they aren't worth it.
What a horrible way for them to treat dh.
Stop with the support and selection box for xmas, let them know why you are doing it.
Let bil and dn look after them in their old age,

OP PIL are no good.

Dim and nasty with it. You must be sick to the back teeth of the family money going on heroin. Tell everyone what they've done. Everyone. Dysfunction in families grows in the dark so be upfront as and when necessary.

You don't need me to tell you this, the most painful of all, but they won't change. You can, though.

I am feeling very hurt and bitter and no longer want to extend the help and support we have given them over the years, including having them stay etc.

I agree with you. I'd distance myself from them.

What do they really add to your life. A selection box and 10 quid is crap.

If they believed the prison officer story then they are incredibly stupid people.

I bailed my drug addict brother out to the tune of 15k

This was because I had drug dealers and other unsavoury characters following me around and my brother would ring me crying telling me he had been beaten up etc. Played the victim very well.
Could your N have been emotionally manipulative? Could your PIL have been under some kind of threat to hand this money over but be too afraid to speak up?
It seems like an incredibly thick thing for someone to do if they are generally frugal. I would be questioning whether there has been some intimidation

Perhaps the PIL are not people who express themselves emotionally very well, but feel that they are doing the best thing that they can to help N by throwing money at the situation. Secondly, ever heard of the SKI club, the money is indeed theirs to do what they wish. So if they had spent the money themselves on expensive holiday cruises would you still be upset ? So the PIL may feel that they have sacrificed their opportunity to luxury holidays to help N. I am just helping you to look at this another way