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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

PIL given huge sum of £ to nephew

161 replies

bopeepsheep · 09/06/2018 15:17

I know the mantra, I know it's their money to do as they please etc. I know. I just can't get my head around the madness of what FIL has done with their money and feel quite bitter.

I have 2DC who are 12 and 14 who have never been given a penny and receive a selection box for Xmas and £10 on their birthday every year. We have never asked for money for any reason, we were not given a wedding present and DH received an old work suit of FIL's for his 21st. We assumed they were just frugal and did not share their money, which is fine. We have paid when we go out together and we have always bought useful generous gifts.

We found out last year that they decided to give £50K, all the money left to them by DH's DGM to a homeless drug addict? He is in prison for attacking his GF now. It is such a sad situation and I cannot reconcile it all in my mind. We saw them several times during this period and knowing Ns behaviour we specifically discussed him asking for money and advised them strongly not to give him any cash (I work with vulnerable young adults and was trying to support DN into housing and work with the help of the local SS team). FIL repeatedly assured DH that he was not giving N money.

We also found put that they paid for the deposit on BIL's house and have paid off all his debts. We are on an average family income and manage but we are not by any means well off and I work 60 hours a week, 6 days a week at the moment due to financial pressure.

I know it is their money and they can do what they want, I know my DH and DC have no claim on anyones money but I am feeling very hurt and bitter and no longer want to extend the help and support we have given them over the years, including having them stay etc.

Please help me reconcile this if you have any advice. Please don't flame me, I have put this is relationships because I need advice, not a bollocking.

Thanks

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 09/06/2018 18:51

Its just unbelievable that they would hand over 50K to a drug addict

It's actually even worse than that ... OP said that FIL had "transferred the cash into N's friends accounts repeatedly"

Why would he do that, I wonder, instead of paying it direct to the DN?

PrimalLass · 09/06/2018 18:55

Friend = dealer?

Original poster
bopeepsheep · 09/06/2018 18:57

I have gained so much clarity from this.

FOG is brilliant - what a great way to put it.

I think we have always been outcasts. I keep looking back and seeing things differently - glorious hindsight.

OP posts:
Miladamermalada · 09/06/2018 18:57

This week I had 2 friends talking about coming into A LOT of money, both will then be mortgage free with money to spare. That will never happen to me, I felt upset.
Doesn't mean I'm a spoilt brat, yes I'm a bit jealous.
I'd do the bare minimum in future for FIL's attitude to you all alone.

Miladamermalada · 09/06/2018 18:58

I wonder if the N had something on the FIL and was blackmailing him thats why he handed the money over. Its something like this I think.
This.

eddielizzard · 09/06/2018 19:00

well thank god you've got your head screwed on. you've seen their behaviour for what it is, and now can draw back and stop giving them headspace they don't deserve.

i feel sorrow for your nephew though. he didn't stand a chance with them in the background.

i also suspect something like blackmail, because it seems very strange that they'd be so generous and then have a party when he was sent to jail. it doesn't add up really.

DashingRed · 09/06/2018 19:08

Forget your FIL academic and professional achievements. The man is an idiot.

He also has a host of other, deeply unpleasant traits.

I would completely step back from them now. If you tell them why, make sure you impress upon them how unfairly your children and husband have been treated. Don't make it about yourself - otherwise you will be labelled a money grabber.

Original poster
bopeepsheep · 09/06/2018 19:09

there is no evidence that N had anything 'on' FIL so to speak but he did have a childhood marred by violence and abuse and knowledge that he'd been abused. For what it's worth - and at risk of sounding like an unbelievable bitch - I think FIL gave him the money to control him. BIL has had increasingly large sums over the years and has now become religious. I think that FIL 'counsels' them when he gives them money and gives them religious guidance. He did try this with DC but I nipped it in the bud and advised that they could make up their own minds about god as adults. I think FIL knew the course didn't exist. I think N was the one who was manipulated - unsuccessfully. Odd course I may be wrong and totally accept that. The emails did indicate that FIL knew more than he lets on.

One of the saddest things about N was that BIL burned his birth certificate and passport when he was 15 and stole from him. DH and I were unable to get a new certificate for him as we did not have all the required info. N was born to a very young mother in difficult circulates and we were never told the whole story until the trial. In fact, we didn't know he existed until he was 7. PIL and BIL knew and concealed his existence and he was in care at one point. We were then contacted as possible relatives who could take him on, we called PIL to discuss - in shock as we didn't know he existed - and suddenly BIL was having him to live with him and the ,matter was closed.

I think there is a lot of guilt, lying and just horrible behaviour.

They have always demonised Ns mother but from what I can tell she was a very vulnerable young woman who needed support. She approached her deputy head (FIL) for help and was lied to and deceived. It is all so sad and depressing.

I am better off without them and N would have been too.

Sorry for all the 'drip feeding' - I didn't want to muddy the waters but everyone has been so kind I just feel so grateful and want to explain.

Thanks to you all.

OP posts:
Juells · 09/06/2018 19:11

The only ones who lose out here are the PiL, losing access to their lovely gc.

Original poster
bopeepsheep · 09/06/2018 19:12

Just to say this really isn't about me at all. DH and I never batted an eyelid thru all the years of supporting BIL. It is the rejection of my DC and the unfairness that has triggered this feeling.

I actually now think it has been useful - I can see things for what they are.

OP posts:
Juells · 09/06/2018 19:14

Are you sure N is BiL's? Hmm

TerfsUp · 09/06/2018 19:16

Especially since this was inheritance money so not even really their own (in a sense, I know that's not legally accurate.)

It is not accurate in any way, shape or form. It is a person's money to do with as they please. To view it as not being "their own" is incredibly greedy.

OP, it sounds as though you were polite to your PIL in the hopes that your children would inherit, not because you liked them.

TerfsUp · 09/06/2018 19:17

Are you sure N is BiL's?

That is one of the shittiest things I have ever read on MN.

TerfsUp · 09/06/2018 19:18

Two words which will be honestly life changing! NO CONTACT!!!

Oh, absolutely. Your children should never ever see / hear / or have anything to do with their grandparents. That'll learn 'em.

Miladamermalada · 09/06/2018 19:27

Terfs why?

Juells · 09/06/2018 19:32

@TerfsUp

That is one of the shittiest things I have ever read on MN.

Why so? There could be all sorts of cover-ups. Nothing surprises me any longer, people lie and lie and lie to cover their own arses.

Juells · 09/06/2018 19:34

@TerfsUp

Oh, absolutely. Your children should never ever see / hear / or have anything to do with their grandparents. That'll learn 'em.

No, they won't give two shits, they never have. The only ones who've cared about the relationship between PiL and GC are the OP and her H

TerfsUp · 09/06/2018 19:34

Terfs why?

To insinuate that someone's wife cheated on them and had a child by another man because you don't like them is a shitty thing to say.

TerfsUp · 09/06/2018 19:35

No, they won't give two shits, they never have. The only ones who've cared about the relationship between PiL and GC are the OP and her H

You know that how, exactly? By your own account people lie and lie and lie to cover their own arses. How do you know what the truth is?

Iflyaway · 09/06/2018 19:45

Expecting an inheritance is a fool's game.

Because you never know what life throws at you.

Original poster
bopeepsheep · 09/06/2018 19:51

I did wonder if he was BILs initially - but when I heard the story from SS it was not Ns mother who was being deceptive. She had contacted FIL - she was a student at his school at the time - and he had known the situation all along. He says he lied to allow N to 'have a proper family' but I am not sure what that means really.

I never thought they would give a penny to anyone - they have always seemed very self absorbed and frugal. It is the unfairness of giving one GC so much money and there will be nothing for the others, that stings.

I understand so much better now. Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
bopeepsheep · 09/06/2018 19:52

Exactly - my F is very wealthy but also a very difficult man. I have always assumed his estate will go on health care and possibly nursing fees as he ages. I have no desire for inheritance and we have always accepted their choice to leave everything to the church.

OP posts:
Original poster
bopeepsheep · 09/06/2018 19:54

BIL has never been married. Ns mother was a young woman (aged 17) who already had a 1 year old and lived in a mother and baby unit.

OP posts:
Juells · 09/06/2018 19:56

@TerfsUp
To insinuate that someone's wife cheated on them and had a child by another man because you don't like them is a shitty thing to say.

That isn't at all what I was implying. If you don't get the implications of what I said, just as well.

You seem to be very annoyed with me Grin

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