PIL given huge sum of £ to nephew

[bopeepsheep]

I know the mantra, I know it's their money to do as they please etc. I know. I just can't get my head around the madness of what FIL has done with their money and feel quite bitter.

I have 2DC who are 12 and 14 who have never been given a penny and receive a selection box for Xmas and £10 on their birthday every year. We have never asked for money for any reason, we were not given a wedding present and DH received an old work suit of FIL's for his 21st. We assumed they were just frugal and did not share their money, which is fine. We have paid when we go out together and we have always bought useful generous gifts.

We found out last year that they decided to give £50K, all the money left to them by DH's DGM to a homeless drug addict? He is in prison for attacking his GF now. It is such a sad situation and I cannot reconcile it all in my mind. We saw them several times during this period and knowing Ns behaviour we specifically discussed him asking for money and advised them strongly not to give him any cash (I work with vulnerable young adults and was trying to support DN into housing and work with the help of the local SS team). FIL repeatedly assured DH that he was not giving N money.

We also found put that they paid for the deposit on BIL's house and have paid off all his debts. We are on an average family income and manage but we are not by any means well off and I work 60 hours a week, 6 days a week at the moment due to financial pressure.

I know it is their money and they can do what they want, I know my DH and DC have no claim on anyones money but I am feeling very hurt and bitter and no longer want to extend the help and support we have given them over the years, including having them stay etc.

Please help me reconcile this if you have any advice. Please don't flame me, I have put this is relationships because I need advice, not a bollocking.

Thanks

Of course it's bloody annoying. Your DH is the good child, and he gets nothing. And his brother is a fucking failure, and gets rewarded for that! Fucking ridiculous. Ignore posters saying that they wouldn't mind if their alcoholic sibling inherited everything, and they got zip. Those posters are either so rich it doesn't matter, or they are talking absolute bollocks.

We have tried to discuss whether it is likely to happen again but they are insistent that they 'wanted' to give him the money. FIL has huge financial responsibility in a large church.

I have no interest in their money. It is just hard to see so much inappropriately lavished on someone so vulnerable and exploited.

How is he exploited? He's a junkie who can't hold down a job, and has lied to his GP in order to extract £50k from them. Exploited he is not. And FFS, fancy leaving the rest to the Church. I'd be livid about that as well.

OP I'd feel as you do.
I'd be seething at their stupidity and the unfair treatment meted out by them towards their two sons and their grandchildren.

If your DC asked for money would he give it to them?

I agree with tooGood that what dn has been given and what dc have not been given are not necessarily mutually exclusive.

There are all manner of reasons why FIL may have thought that it was perfectly reasonable to give DN that money, not least the fact that you say that BIL is also an alcoholic which it’s possible that FIL may in part feel responsible for. He is his child after all and has then gone on to father a child who has followed in his footsteps so to speak.

But you do need to reconcile with yourself whether you feel that it was wrong for DN to be given the money which really is not yours or your dh’s business, or whether you now feel FIL should give your own DC money, in which case, you need to ask him for it.

Just because he gives to one doesn’t mean that he should or would give to the rest, iyswim. My parents have previously given money to my siblings. I know that they would give money to me if I asked them, but I’ve never asked for it, and as such they don’t just hand me sums of cash, although they have helped me out immensely in many other ways.

I would also be upset about this.

I would probably withdraw from them. They are either very unpleasant or incredibly stupid.

OP your Ials have been incredibly mean towards your family and I can understand your feeling of bitterness. Good parents treat their DC equally and should have borne this in mind when gifting all their money to your N. I mean, did they consider the fact that their other DGC might be in need in the future?
I appears that they view your DC as YOUR DC and not equally their DS’s DC.
Maybe they feel your family is self sufficient nd the fact that you can afford to give them nice gifts means you are better off financially than they are? Or maybe they are just mean. My ex Mil rarely gave our DC gifts she could use — would give way too big prickly school socks, that she’d got from her workplace ( boys) to a baby girl . Whereas other DGC got gifts of money. It wasn’t the inequality I was bothered with at the time but how to present as appreciative without encouraging more of the same! Lol.
Take a step back, cut back on the useful gifts and feel sorry for the silly sods who are the authors of their own misfortunes.

I don't mind if people want to rant and rave at me on a Sat Aft. I can ignore. Thanks for the useful comments. I just need to reconcile it in my mind so I can move on.

The rejection of my DC has been very painful for me in a way that I have never minded being rejected. They have always ignored my DC and it hurts.

It is, as all families are, more complex than it appears. N has FA and spent his childhood in an abusive home, something we did all we could to help him out of. PIL have always supported BIL, lying to the authorities and covering for him when he has been violent. N was very close to us when he was younger and loved coming to stay but as he became older he started running away and he would only speak to me or DH when he turned up. He would always ask for me in particular and wanted to be mothered by me when I visited (would try and climb in my lap, ask me to take him to bed etc) and this seems to have caused huge resentment.

BIL and PIL had a little party when he was sent down and are delighted - finally they are proven right - he is an awful person and they are not to blame for his behaviour.

I know life is not that clear cut.

I honestly don't understand how people can do this shit in a family. How can adults not understand the hurt they cause when they do this crap?? I know it's their money etc etc, but I've got 4 kids and I couldn't imagine shelling out cash unfairly.

Some people are very odd.

I feel your pain

I think it is very understandable that you are both angry and hurt. What a pair of twits they are. I think I would make minimal effort with them from now on. Doesn't sound like they deserve more.

Ignore tootrue. what a twat.

I'd add a few thoughts:

1. Did your husband say anything directly on this to his parents? As in direct question, no flanneling. I think you implied he did? Sometimes there is a time for silence and biding-your-time in families and its for the best. Sometimes there is a time for speaking up - also for the best. This sounds like a speaking up time. Even if parents didn't like the question, get angry or refuse to answer - he has a right to ask in a reasonable, calm way. If he hasn't asked properly or is too frightened to ask - it says a lot about the family dynamics.

1. They were probably manipulated by the brother (not definitely, but 99% likely.).

1. Its not over till the fat lady sings - but in the meantime its good to say your piece! After that I would say get on with your lives. And don't take responsibility for the PILs when they have treated you this way - maybe they will get the message (speaking a little from experience here - the mouse that roared).

I think they ARE both stupid and naive as well as deeply unpleasant. I'd agree now is the time that contact is decreased, not specifically for the money, but for the comments, jibes and shitty way they treat your family. You won't miss them.

It's not even that they have given the nephew the money - they have been scammed out of it and basically thrown money away because of their stupidity (surely no one tihnks you have to pay £1000 to train as a prison officer, and did they seriously think a using drug addict would be accepted into the prison service - madness).

I totally get where you are coming from OP - your PILs have children and grandchildren and they are not treating them fairly. And it is that unfairness that hurts.

I've been treated unfairly by family - and it's not about the money it's about feeling hurt that you are not valued as much, it's a kind of rejection of your family in favour of someone who has basically treated them very badly.

Having said that - there is very little one can do IME. it is their money, they can do as they like with it, but by the same token you can decide whether you want to cool things off and have much less to do with them because of their behaviour.

It is really awful to see otherwise intelligent family members give money to relatives who are addicted to drugs or drink and they literally consume the money then excrete it and it is all such a waste of money and life. You fil probably felt pressured in a way you might not understand. You are right to be sick that their money was not put to the benefit of your own children. However you shouldnt resent your parents in law. The reality is that they probably really respect you and your family If that is any consolation.

Yanbu. It is very bewildering and please ignore all the sanctimony of those trying to stick the boot in. MN is often a parallel universe to real life.

I'd wind down the relationship with PIL and I'd not make a secret as to why. The money is gone, you have nothing to lose. It's not as if they even give a shit about your two children anyway so no-one is missing out.

I'm all for supporting those in need of more assistance and support but your FIL has behaved recklessly with no apparent regard for you and your husband or for common-sense. Leave them to it.

PIL repeatedly told N to hide the fact he was being given money from us - we were sent the emails by the police. FIL reported N for fraud/deception but the Police found evidence to the contrary. It's a horrible and v involved story that is't worth going into in any detail.

We were still buying his food and basics and sorting hostels and stuff for him as this money was being spent. We live 4 hours drive away so it was tricky to monitor.

I wish DGM had spent it on herself - she was a wonderful woman who lived like a church mouse. We took her out for lunch twice a month and other than that she lived on tins of soup to squirrel money away to leave to her son. It's sad :(

Cut them loose, they've shown how much they value you.
It hurts but you will be better off no contact

I agree with point 1 made by Quelle Time to speak up.

"Mum/Dad, I know that you are leaving some money to the Church, and I hope you don't mind me asking this, but will my children be left any money in your Will, so that they are treated the same as JunkieFace? If not, what reasons would you like me to give them, because I am so worried about what to say to them, when they realise that they haven't been treated the same"

Or you can behave like a child, spit the dummy and ultimately cause a family rift that will hurt your children and husband just for the sake of your ego.

Why are posters so horrible to an OP that's struggling with the unfairness? I'd love to see some of those high-and-mighty people who always chirrup "It's their money to do with as they wish". That isn't the point. In family relationships, money = love, and place in the pecking order. If you're the only one who isn't given money, it's a message (whether intended or not) that you're not valued as much as the others.

It seems to me that the OP is hurt for her DH and her DC. Rightly so. I'd go NC after this, I wouldn't be able to deal with the nonsense of it, the batshit crazy behaviour and favouritism.

Thank you so much everyone

I think that making some sort of calm, rational statement and then reducing contact to bare minimum is the way forward for me. This has been so helpful. My rage/resentment has gone and I feel the warm of MNs amazing sane women supporting me.

But what do I say. I have never asked them for anything and DH's modest requests 'If you were to give us a wedding gift, we would love a set of cutlery' have been met with swift rejection.

Yes, I am hurt on behalf of my DH and DC. Thank you

Thanks for your suggestion of what to say - that is very helpful.

Have your PIL not read King Lear? They give wealth to the one who tells the lies that they want to hear, and get angry with the responsible one living an independent life. Well, that didn't turn out well and I think we already know that when/if your PIL become in need of help your BIL won't be anywhere to be seen.

If they're mean to your DC or you feel that your DC aren't getting anything out of seeing them then it's perfectly alright to cut down contact IMO. If it was me I would make an effort to know less about their lives, it's not as though they will listen to any of your sensible advice so you might as well not hear about any of the drama as you would be less upset.

Also, I'd be wondering about the FiL's stewardship of the church money as well, if he's that loopy.

I'd really keep away from the whole nasty lot tbh