PIL given huge sum of £ to nephew

[bopeepsheep]

I know the mantra, I know it's their money to do as they please etc. I know. I just can't get my head around the madness of what FIL has done with their money and feel quite bitter.

I have 2DC who are 12 and 14 who have never been given a penny and receive a selection box for Xmas and £10 on their birthday every year. We have never asked for money for any reason, we were not given a wedding present and DH received an old work suit of FIL's for his 21st. We assumed they were just frugal and did not share their money, which is fine. We have paid when we go out together and we have always bought useful generous gifts.

We found out last year that they decided to give £50K, all the money left to them by DH's DGM to a homeless drug addict? He is in prison for attacking his GF now. It is such a sad situation and I cannot reconcile it all in my mind. We saw them several times during this period and knowing Ns behaviour we specifically discussed him asking for money and advised them strongly not to give him any cash (I work with vulnerable young adults and was trying to support DN into housing and work with the help of the local SS team). FIL repeatedly assured DH that he was not giving N money.

We also found put that they paid for the deposit on BIL's house and have paid off all his debts. We are on an average family income and manage but we are not by any means well off and I work 60 hours a week, 6 days a week at the moment due to financial pressure.

I know it is their money and they can do what they want, I know my DH and DC have no claim on anyones money but I am feeling very hurt and bitter and no longer want to extend the help and support we have given them over the years, including having them stay etc.

Please help me reconcile this if you have any advice. Please don't flame me, I have put this is relationships because I need advice, not a bollocking.

Thanks

Tis fecked up for sure! I guess all you can do is support your DH's decision and reassure your dc that they are great, some people are shit and it is no fault of your dc's.

Something about all this makes me feel like FIL is in for a fall. You may get to watch natural karma play out yet.

Thank you
I have supported for years. 25 to be precise! I think now is he time to step back and enjoy my life and my DC :) They are so lovely. PP was right to say GP were missing out.

You enjoy the 'lovely', dont let any fucker get in the way of that!

Ignore any posts accusing you of being grabby. It's really fucking annoying to be upset about something that's difficult to explain, and have people tell you your feelings aren't valid and you shouldn't be feeling like that. You should be a self-sacrificing martyr who thinks it's perfectly acceptable that your DH and DC are being treated like worthless pieces of shit.

Gaslighting.

I would challenge any of the "grabby" accusers to sit with hands folded and a saintly expression on their faces whilst their PIL demonstrate practically and emotionally that they value their feckless selfish criminal other son over your own lovely hard working DH.

Virtue signallers.

I wonder if your DH thinks back to his childhood would he remember that his DB was always indulged and allowed to get away with things, while he got into trouble. It happens a lot that there is a preferred child and a scapegoat child, and it's always the fault of the parents never the children themselves.

I feel sorry for both children. The scapegoat often grows up with low self-esteem but at least they can cope with the expectations of adult life. The child who has always been indulged has no ability to accept the consequences of their own actions and they have inflated sense of self-importance that is irritating to others and so makes it hard to make friends and advance in their career.

Yes you've nailed it there. BIL openly smoked cannabis at home from age 14, beat DH, stole from him etc. When BIL was expelled DH was taken out of his high performing school and moved them both to the very poor school that FIL worked at to cover up the expulsion. DH moved in with his granny when he was 16 and has always avoided the whole situation and conflict.

I would challenge any of the "grabby" accusers to sit with hands folded and a saintly expression on their faces whilst their PIL demonstrate practically and emotionally that they value their feckless selfish criminal other son over your own lovely hard working DH

Exactly. Grabby, my arse. Maybe the Op should start extreme couponing and knitting all clothes from scratch with hessian.

The whole situation sounds really awful. The money isn't even top of the list of reasons why ongoing contact is a bad idea.

Think about it this way: the money probably wasn't ever going to you anyway so less for the church. However the money did go to causing harm for someone (N) so that is sad.
As they get older, they will be more needy. My FIL has dementia and it is really really grim having to deal with it. You can honestly say you have a get out clause to avoid all of that - but please stick to it and remember how they treated you!
Also with such extreme views as your PIL remember people close to them will know exactly what they are like.

The sooner you, DH and DC go NC the happier & healthier you will all be.

‘Christian’ FiL - my arse.