PIL given huge sum of £ to nephew

[bopeepsheep]

I know the mantra, I know it's their money to do as they please etc. I know. I just can't get my head around the madness of what FIL has done with their money and feel quite bitter.

I have 2DC who are 12 and 14 who have never been given a penny and receive a selection box for Xmas and £10 on their birthday every year. We have never asked for money for any reason, we were not given a wedding present and DH received an old work suit of FIL's for his 21st. We assumed they were just frugal and did not share their money, which is fine. We have paid when we go out together and we have always bought useful generous gifts.

We found out last year that they decided to give £50K, all the money left to them by DH's DGM to a homeless drug addict? He is in prison for attacking his GF now. It is such a sad situation and I cannot reconcile it all in my mind. We saw them several times during this period and knowing Ns behaviour we specifically discussed him asking for money and advised them strongly not to give him any cash (I work with vulnerable young adults and was trying to support DN into housing and work with the help of the local SS team). FIL repeatedly assured DH that he was not giving N money.

We also found put that they paid for the deposit on BIL's house and have paid off all his debts. We are on an average family income and manage but we are not by any means well off and I work 60 hours a week, 6 days a week at the moment due to financial pressure.

I know it is their money and they can do what they want, I know my DH and DC have no claim on anyones money but I am feeling very hurt and bitter and no longer want to extend the help and support we have given them over the years, including having them stay etc.

Please help me reconcile this if you have any advice. Please don't flame me, I have put this is relationships because I need advice, not a bollocking.

Thanks

FOG - fear, obligation and guilt

What a brilliant way of putting it. He has indeed been in the fog. I have my fog damps on main beam!

It's a bit amazing to me as a Yank that you see regional prejudice this strong in a country a bit more than half the size of California.

bopeepsheep your feelings are perfectly understandable and reasonable. My MIL has a bit of money and has been scrupulously even handed with my DH and his DS and all of the grandchildren. I have always admired that about her. It is incredibly hurtful to do otherwise.

Your PIL are acting out of bias against you and letting it negatively impact your children. That's unforgivable in my book.

Yes, it is surreal that they believed his story and gave him the money. He had nothing to show it was true and I was telling them about work placements etc I'd arranged during this period so why not say "Hold on, I thought he was in a training scheme"

N left school with no GCSEs and no qualifications. A cursory google search would show that it was not true.

They travel a lot and have been abroad including Austrialia, a tour of the Holy lands, and St Lucia in last 18 months. I have never resented them travelling or spending money on themselves.

I have perceived this as a threat and rejection to my DC and I can now see things much more clearly. I felt their unfairness and rejection and it has made me rage.

Thank you

OP you and your DH are totally right to be very hurt and annoyed. Anyone saying otherwise is very disingenuous, and potentially goady.

Well if any institution didn’t need to be left money, it’s a church

They sound unpleasant, ignorant and not terribly bright.

It is frustrating that your PIL are demonstrating that they favour BIL and nephew over your husband and children. That favouritism has to hurt, and it’s that which causes the rift in families. And it is their money to spend as they like , but once they’ve shown how little they value your dh and dc, they can’t expect dh to prioritise their needs as they grow older. BIL and the church can run them to the shops, doctors etc.

In the long run though, your children will be better off. They are growing up in a stable, loving household, with parents who put them first. The benefit of that is incalculable, especially when you consider that your nephew is going to struggle to ever get into a position where he’s self-supporting. And those huge sums of cash could have been a death sentence to a drug addict.

Agree with previous posts which suggest that the meals out and generous gifts stop. You can’t afford them, as you are saving hard for your children’s future. Beans on toast if they visit, you can’t afford days out with them, box of maltesers for birthdays and Christmas.

I would also consider informing the police your fil is church treasurer

Another one here who picked up on FIL's financial responsibility for a large church - and I totally agree with you. If he's stupid enough to swallow the ridiculous story about "training" costs, it sounds like something they need to know

I think FIL has a problem with controlling people. He tried to use this money to control the narrative with N and it did not work, so they celebrated his failure. BIL is completely controlled by FIL, as is MIL. DH married me in spite of them, and lives in the North. I am the main earner, I am outspoken and relatively uncontrollable.

I think I can see it all more clearly.

We did point out to the police that FIL is the church treasurer and they said it was concerning but beyond their remit.

It is a Catholic church. FIL only converted to be Catholic when Anglican church allowed women in ordained positions. He's a real piece of work :(

"We get nothing out of the relationship. FIL hates atheists and northeners and I am both. He is very sexist and I am the breadwinner. He has made no secret of the fact he finds our children's accent 'unfortunate' and DD's sporting prowess and netball attire 'unsuitable"

OP you know what? Quite apart from the issue of the nephew and BIL, I'd not mix with them. It's up to your DH what does for himself of course, but I have a couple of friends who cut contact with ILs. Their DCs still see them, but in these situations where people clearly don't like you, why suffer it?

He sounds like a horrible man.

DH has pointed out he is the treasurer of all 3 churches he attends each day, not one as I thought.

Tell him you'd like £50k to send DC on a religious retreat, to find god.

(sarcasm)

Seriously, they sound very biased. Google golden child and scapegoat. I'd go NC - they don't sound like they care much about your DC at all, and are offensive and rude towards you. Tell your DH to go see them on his own. Reap what you sow.

Thank you so much. He is a horrible man. Why have I struggled to acknowledge this? Why have I not accepted it as it is. I am a trier, I want things to be good, everyone to get on, but I've been a dick about this.

I don't understand people leaving money to charity over their own family...unless they've fallen out with them.

Culturally...that's a very British thing to do.

FIL only converted to be Catholic when Anglican church allowed women in ordained positions

Why am I not surprised?

For that matter, given the countless insults, why would you want someone this toxic in yours and the DCs lives at all?

Thank you - I will google that

glitterfarts Sat 09-Jun-18 17:39:00
Tell him you'd like £50k to send DC on a religious retreat, to find god.

You know, that is a genius idea. Tell DC to approach him on the sly and say "We are so sad DM raised us to be heathens, please help us, you are our only hope" and then leg it with the money.

I am joking of course..... or am I??!

OP you haven't been a dick at all

Sorry to say but you have two of the factors that caused my friend to stop seeing her ILs, they also don't like her being northern or the main breadwinner. We don't know each other because my friend is in London, but the similarities struck me. She tried for years to make sure the family could run smoothly, but in the, listening to what a terrible education her ILs think people get in northern England - the appalling education that meant she dared out earn her husband, she said, enough!

Frankly the hope is the DCs will reject as well. They are girls now but we shudder to think what happens when they get older and dare to have careers.

It's scary how many of these horrible people are around. I feel for you

They are dysfunctional and toxic.

I'd disown them for your own sanity. They won't change and it will never get better.

Do you really need such poison and negativity in your lives?

Your FIL sounds very Christian!

We have potential issues with family (on both sides) and money. I don’t care about the money (and have brought DCs up to be amused about the position). Taken a long time - but it does feel good to have risen above it all - but understand your anger. The best revenge in my experience is a happy life (they hate that most of all!!). It really works. Good luck

Ah the Catholic Church - famously short of a bob or two... 🤦🏻‍♀️

They sound dreadful. Step back, right back and concentrate on your family

Thing is, if we take the £50k out of it and just look at the lack of parity in the relationship between you and PIL, it's worth creating parity going forwards, I think.

The £50k? Well that's their choice and it appears, on the surface, to have been an ill advised choice to make

@bopeepsheep you do come across as grabby because of the £50k comments.

But I think , in reality, the £50k is simply the last straw in the unfairness for you

Thank you so much. He is a horrible man. Why have I struggled to acknowledge this? Why have I not accepted it as it is.

Is it because you are a good, kind person and you really want to love and respect your PILs, even if sadly they give you every reason not to?

I've been a dick about this

Um, no, you sound about as un-dickish as anyone I've ever read on Mumsnet.

I saw a very interesting programme a month or two ago. I cannot recall the name. Perhaps someone else will know.

It looked for proof that women preached at the time of Jesus and found quite a lot of evidence including where a woman had preached. With the complete subjugation of women, the words in the bible have been completed misinterpreted. Looking on it with fresh eyes, it clearly states a wealthy woman had bankrolled the Jesus movement and women were very much a part of it. The original text also talked of the disciples going two by two and the wording was identical to the Noah story. This led researchers to understand there weren’t 12 disciples but 12 sets of m/f disciples which makes perfect sense as men and women were of equal standing but segregated back then.

It would be great if you could find a copy of that for your fil for Christmas.

Thank the lord he left the C of E,

I wonder if the N had something on the FIL and was blackmailing him thats why he handed the money over. Its something like this I think.
Its just unbelievable that they would hand over 50K to a drug addict.
I just have nothing further to do with them end of story. Its not just the money its all the rudeness about Northern people. Dont put up with that OP its as bad as racism.