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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP moving in and debts. Am i being unfair?

311 replies

Humbugington · 04/06/2018 11:02

Been with my partner about 12 months, we were planning on him moving in before the end of the year (september october time).

We have had a few small discussions recently about finances, how it would work etc. Everytime we do he tells me about a littlw bit more debt he "thought i knew about"

He pays £600 a month on his car by the time hes paid finance and insurance etc. (Its a stupid pride and joy car that can apparently only have the best parts and shell fuel etc.)
He also has a £3000 credit card debt and pays his mum back £200 a month for a £20000 loan for solicitors when things with his ex broke down (he has a 3 yr old son)
His phone is also on a £60 month contract.

This month after all his bills were paid he had £100 left to buy food and petrol Hmm

I am a single mum to a 18 month old, i work part time and get UC. I work really hard to stay out of debt. I have none and would like to keep it that way.

So i said maube we should put off him moving in for a bit until he gets his debts in better order. He said he can pay his debts off quicker though if he moves in because he wont be paying rent and stuff and then we can start saving for a.mortgage sooner etc. He also says he got the debt before he got with me and there is nothing he can do contracts hes tied into to (i suggested he sell his car and get a cheap run around)

I kind of see his point but i still feel like its just dragging me into all his debt which feels messy and makes me uncomfortable. AIBU to want him to clear his debt a bit first?

OP posts:
Original poster
Humbugington · 04/06/2018 16:53

Thanknyou everyone for confirming what i was thinking. Im going to tell him he needs to conentrate on getting his debts in order and if he can prove hes doing that then we can look at it again and if he doesnt like it he knows where the door is.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 04/06/2018 16:57

I don't think you should say that to him, OP. He's got to pay his mother for eight years. EIGHT YEARS!!! And then he's got expensive tastes - he could've paid his mum in three years if he put his car money towards his debt, but he wants the good life. That's why he wanted to live with you, so that he had even more money for himself.

Seriously, you are worth so much more than this. His attitude towards his debts is appalling. He lies to you, wastes his money, spends everything on himself... Why would you want someone like that?

You need someone who your child is going to live up to, not someone who'd take money off his/her mum to fund his extravagant lifestyle.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 04/06/2018 16:58

he wont be paying rent and stuff

He should be paying rent at least equivalent to your loss of benefits.
Stuff? What does he mean by stuff? Is he expecting you to pay all utility bills and food bills?

JoanFrenulum · 04/06/2018 16:58

YES well done OP!! And don't let him talk you out of it. Don't work twice as many days to subsidize a man. Any man, but specially not one who gaslights and drives fancy toys. You're worth more than that (and I obviously have no clue who you are but ANYONE is worth better than that, don't do it to yourself). Partnerships should enrich both of you in all ways, and that includes financially.

BiscuitsRule · 04/06/2018 17:05

This relationship is going no where becuase of your incompatible priorities. It will be yrs before he is debt free.....from his current debts. Experience of such people tells me he will also accumulate new ones along the way so he will never actually be debt free.

Don't do it! don't let him move in. Do not share any finances together. Guard your finances for you and your daughter's sake.

happypoobum · 04/06/2018 17:05

Well done OP!!!

Who pays when you go out? Is he generally a taker? Is there any point continuing with him?

HollowTalk · 04/06/2018 17:11

If he's only got £100 and is going out at all, then he's using a credit card to pay for it!

Tiddleypops · 04/06/2018 17:14

I've been here OP and it never ends. He wants to have all the nice things, feels he's entitled to them in fact (despite not being able to afford them). And once you start supporting him suddenly he'll have no reason to work harder at paying off those debts. Think about what you would do if you owed your parents a load of money and had an expensive car? You are financially savvy so you'd probably sell the car, sort out the debt as quickly as possible so you could move on. He wants to have his cake and eat it.

I fell for this same ploy and have spent years being financially abused.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/06/2018 17:16

Well done, OP! Hope the chat goes OK and he grows up a bit.

LML83 · 04/06/2018 17:18

Great plan op. He should understand, if he doesn't he was hoping to save cash moving in.

expatinscotland · 04/06/2018 17:27

Keep him at arm's length. He will never get rid of that debt because it's not a priority to him, being flash is. Why is he not paying for his child?

Claystone · 04/06/2018 17:35

Get rid and set your sights a bit higher

Starlight2345 · 04/06/2018 17:37

I think you are right op but I would say clear the debt .. if you say start to clear debt he will do a bit then want you to take over clearing it.

I think though you may also either be paying for dates or he is running that up on credit cards too.

HollowTalk · 04/06/2018 17:42

There's no point in being with someone like this - and no point really in talking to him about it.

He puts himself first. If he racked up £20K of lawyers' bills I'd think he didn't know when to stop bloody arguing, too. I wouldn't wait a decade for him to lose his debt, particularly when he's running up another debt with his credit card even now.

Vitalogy · 04/06/2018 17:46

Well done OP.

What type of "man" wants to use a lone parent to help pay off his debts, well, say no more.

DanielCraigsUnderpants · 04/06/2018 17:56

Good for you. This is absolutely the sensible thing to do. Good luck for your future

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 04/06/2018 17:57

'InfiniteSheldon
He is telling you who he is
A liar , 'ooh but you knew about that already'
A cheapskate, 'I won't be paying rent'
A Deadbeat Dad, no mention of maintenance
A showoff, car and phone prioritised over his child, his debts to his mother and you
He's great for dating and fun but is not live-in or long term material. I'd enjoy dating him and stick rigidly to the three night rule (can't spend more than three nights at mine because of UC). Saved me no end of problems when I was a single mum."

^^ this 100 times!!
You and your mum will be indirectly paying off his debts... Why would you do this???

Its all benefiting him....and costing you... Just don't!

DuperDucks · 04/06/2018 18:01

^^1000 times

catinboots9 · 04/06/2018 18:37

Well done OP.

Sorry I said you wouldn't come back Blush

I hope your talk with him makes him
Realise what a twunt he is doubtful

PolkaHots · 04/06/2018 18:49

Im going to tell him he needs to conentrate on getting his debts in order and if he can prove hes doing that then we can look at it again

I think you need to be very clear about what ‘in order’ means in this context. Does it mean he clears them? Because ‘in order’ could mean that he is on top of his payments. Or has paid off a small part of them.

Starlight2345 · 04/06/2018 18:50

One other thing that is sitting uncomfortably with me .

Why did he spend 20k on access . I do know some women use kids as pawns but know so many man blame ex and usually there is a history there. He may of explained it a way but given what you have said already I would be suspicious.

bubbles108 · 04/06/2018 18:56

It's really difficult to look at someone we love and see them for who they truly are. And to take on board that who they truly are might very well not change.

I've made mistakes in the past, believing all sorts of twaddly twiddle.

Never again!

viques · 04/06/2018 19:11

I love his reasoning, he will be saving money by not paying rent (and council tax, utilities, food bills, cleaning materials, etc) but "both" of you will be able to save faster for a mortgage.

I think a better idea would be for him to go and live with his mum, he'll be able to pay her back the money she loaned himand no doubt save himself masses at the same time by accidentally forgetting to pay her back some weeks. I mean, fifty quid a week on a £20000 loan, it's a pittance really, she'll never miss it..........

What makes you think he would be any better at sharing your financial expenses than he has already proved he does with his mother's money? I notice too that his list of expenses don't seem to include maintenance payments for his son. Surely that should be his priority, not phones and a fancy car.

NewStartNow · 04/06/2018 20:08

It's unanimous OP. I think as well as your perfectly reasonable request that he settles his debts, a full credit report could be applied for online... Complete transparency about his finances. I think his refusal will tell you all you need to know.
In your shoes I'd be considering ending the relationship anyway.

Sally2791 · 04/06/2018 20:26

I would steer well clear. You have been very sensible with money and he clearly hasn't. Could well be more that he "forgets" to mention until he's settled himself in. I would wait many years and see what happens