DP moving in and debts. Am i being unfair?

[Humbugington]

Been with my partner about 12 months, we were planning on him moving in before the end of the year (september october time).

We have had a few small discussions recently about finances, how it would work etc. Everytime we do he tells me about a littlw bit more debt he "thought i knew about"

He pays £600 a month on his car by the time hes paid finance and insurance etc. (Its a stupid pride and joy car that can apparently only have the best parts and shell fuel etc.)
He also has a £3000 credit card debt and pays his mum back £200 a month for a £20000 loan for solicitors when things with his ex broke down (he has a 3 yr old son)
His phone is also on a £60 month contract.

This month after all his bills were paid he had £100 left to buy food and petrol

I am a single mum to a 18 month old, i work part time and get UC. I work really hard to stay out of debt. I have none and would like to keep it that way.

So i said maube we should put off him moving in for a bit until he gets his debts in better order. He said he can pay his debts off quicker though if he moves in because he wont be paying rent and stuff and then we can start saving for a.mortgage sooner etc. He also says he got the debt before he got with me and there is nothing he can do contracts hes tied into to (i suggested he sell his car and get a cheap run around)

I kind of see his point but i still feel like its just dragging me into all his debt which feels messy and makes me uncomfortable. AIBU to want him to clear his debt a bit first?

At first he said thats not fair because i will make money out of him then so i pointed out that otherwise i pay everything and he pays his debts which is isnt fair because they arent my debts.

But you're going to have increased costs as well.

You will lose your UC (and have to work 2 extra days to make up the money),
You will lose your single person council tax discount
You will have higher bills to pay
He will cost you money in food

£500 is more than reasonable.

How would you be making money off him if he's paying for bills for his own cost of living? What about food and other incidentals?
I think you'll find op that even if he does contribute $500 pm he'll try to get out of paying anything else that comes up.
I couldn't imagine being with someone who has this attitude to money and would have been quite happy to cocklodge. He hasn't considered your cost of living or loss of income until you pointed it out, he simply didn't care. All he saw were dollar signs and his life getting easier.

Well done OP. That must have been hard but you've set a boundary. You have to put yourself and your DC first.

first he said thats not fair because i will make money out of him

Yet with his plan, he'd have been making money out of you, but apparently that was fine..

Hmmm. He wpuld consider paying his way, i.e. rebt and bills as you making a profit off him? Right. He thinks he found a muggings. Sorry wasier said then done but I’d get rid. Couldnt respect a man after he said that.

Most people would love to pay £500 + food for all their living expenses.

What a giant baby this man is. "It's not fair", dear me, his car costs more, he could try living in that.

His response to the reasonable £500 sounds like he'll come back with a paltry offer e.g. £200 a month and a promise of more later.

Keep things as they are unless you want you want to improve his lifestyle at the expense of your own.

Good news is your gut recognised a cocklodger which is why you came here for advice.

So basically...

BUSTED!

Well done OP.

What you've done is let him know you won't be taken for a fool. If he wants to step up, show he's an adult who can pay his way and be part of the team (and, when you have kids in the mix, anything else is just not possible) - then great. If not - walk on.

From the kind of person he's shown himself to be so far in life, the overwhelming likelihood is that it will be the second option. Wait and see. Good luck, and remember - don't give a person like this an inch, as the old saying goes.

Don’t do it.

Getting out of debt and staying that way is about discipline and being intentional. He doesn’t sound wise and these things put strains on good marriages and relationships.

So He wAnts to live rent & bill free? Is that the arrangement he has with his mother now? Wants to move from one mummy to another?

The fact that you even have to raise this with him would be a big fat NO from me.

He should be offering what is fair & reasonable.

A person who is mean with money is mean in every other area of their life.

Do not let him move in, a partner should add to your life. Not cost you.

I have no words! He honestly thinks him paying for half of his own living costs is you making money off him?!? But you paying for all his living costs and losing your UC while he just pays for his debt that you have nothing to do with and drives around in a flash bloody car is totally reasonable?! I would seriously end this relationship, this man has no respect for you whatsoever. I am astonished that an adult could think paying their own living costs counts as someone else making money off them. Debt or no debt, if you let him move in it'll be drip drip drip of you just paying for this or that, small things, promises that he'll pay you back. You'll set up the bills in your name and increasingly he'll just need to wait until x date to transfer you half. X date will never arrive and when you complain he'll call you "tight" or a "nag". Then the credit card bills will start appearing and he'll cry and say he had to do it so that he didn't let you down by not being able to pay for stuff, and you'll feel guilty and help him pay them off. I swear it's like I've got a crystal ball for this guy. For god's sake ditch him before he ruins your life.

This would mark the end for me tbh. It’s a red flag.

£500 for all living expenses and sex on tap I would fucking love that!!

It's less than what he pays for his car.

Ditch him OP. He's shown his true colours. This is not a man you want in your or your child's lives.

How exactly would you have been making money off him? £500 all in for living expenses is a very good deal!
He clearly saw himself moving in and not paying you a penny.
Glad you sound like you’ve got your head screwed on and could see what he was up to.

For those wondering if there really are men like this, I can confirm there are. My sister met one who also lived with his mummy and had 2 children, split up from their mother.

His tactic was very subtle (at least your potential cocklodger asked you outright). He took her out for nice meals, had fun together, then slowly started staying more and more at hers until he had pretty much moved in.
She of course was still paying for rent, bills etc because there was never an official move in date. His hours then got conveniently reduced at work so he couldn't afford to pay her blah blah blah..

She kicked him out reasonably quickly but not before he had run up a massive phone bill in her name (as apparently he couldn't get a contract). The man in the mobile phone shop had never seen anything like it. Another older male customer also heard and started lectoring my sister saying 'never pay anything for a man'.

If anyone ever asks "what is a cocklodger?", just point them to this thread.

It is a perfect explanation of the word.

Glad you have made it clear to him op, but does this not put you off the relationship as a whole? He would have basically used you. I don't understand why you are happy to continue as you are while he sorts himself out? You can do better than this.

My worry is he'll come up with some other sneaky scheme that you won't realise until it's too late.

£500 a month? Can I move in?

Not fair, he's having a laugh surely! Stick to your guns op, you're doing the right thing

Well done OP.

BUT he thinks it unfair that he pays his own living expenses to you and that you're making money out of him but doesn't see it unfair that you work an extra two days a week do he can keep his fancy car and live rent free?

Wow. Just. Wow.

Oh, give me a break. Honestly, stop investing emotionally in this guy. You're onto a hiding to nothing by wasting time with him. £500/month, my arse. He'll cancel the order after a maybe a month and then whinge about not being able to pay you this month, or the money will be there next week blah blah blah and by then his feet will be under your table and he'll be hard to dislodge.

He will never get rid of that debt or come clean to you about how much it actually is. Bet it's more than he will tell you now. His credit is probably shit, too.

He thinks the world owes him a living.

You deserve better than this.

Absolutely well done!

Great to see you won't hold your breath - build on this assertiveness. It's tremendous.

In the unlikely event that he makes progress in getting his affairs in order - please don't give way too soon - Expat is right - a couple of months in and he could easily cancel any standing order because it is too expensive.

All in all, £500 is a discount on what he should be paying - at a minimum he needs to know you will review his contribution when you see the impact on your finances. He needs to know you won't subsidise him.

I have no words! He honestly thinks him paying for half of his own living costs is you making money off him?!? But you paying for all his living costs and losing your UC while he just pays for his debt that you have nothing to do with and drives around in a flash bloody car is totally reasonable?! I would seriously end this relationship, this man has no respect for you whatsoever.

^ This times 1000

I’m with @expatinscotland

If you want to have fun with him then go ahead but don’t look at this for the long-haul.

Definitely nope nope nope! You would lose your universal credits, etc. Don't forget that if he moves in you'd have to feed him. Will he contribute to food bill? I think letting him move in will end up costing you a lot of money. He might promise to pay initially but then stop paying. He's already shown he is crap with money, who's to say he won't build more debt. I'd say hard no.

Oh hell no.

When I moved into hubbies 13yrs ago before marriage I cleared my debt and proved it (just a CC) then destroyed the card etc.

You would lose the universal credit, single lodger discount if you get one, debt collectors at door, nagging family asking why you aren't contributing etc.

Tell her to seek advice on his debt and consolidate in his name only and ensure you and your kids are financially and legally protected form any debt and he cannot open anything from your address.

I wouldn't move him in OP. Been there, and it caused no end of hassle, not least because after our second child was born, ex took out a further 7k of debt on top of the debts he'd already accumulated before we met.

The thing I have learned is it's all in the mindset. You sound sensible whereas it sounds like your partner already sees this as his way of dealing with finances. I'd hold off for now.