Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP moving in and debts. Am i being unfair?

311 replies

Humbugington · 04/06/2018 11:02

Been with my partner about 12 months, we were planning on him moving in before the end of the year (september october time).

We have had a few small discussions recently about finances, how it would work etc. Everytime we do he tells me about a littlw bit more debt he "thought i knew about"

He pays £600 a month on his car by the time hes paid finance and insurance etc. (Its a stupid pride and joy car that can apparently only have the best parts and shell fuel etc.)
He also has a £3000 credit card debt and pays his mum back £200 a month for a £20000 loan for solicitors when things with his ex broke down (he has a 3 yr old son)
His phone is also on a £60 month contract.

This month after all his bills were paid he had £100 left to buy food and petrol Hmm

I am a single mum to a 18 month old, i work part time and get UC. I work really hard to stay out of debt. I have none and would like to keep it that way.

So i said maube we should put off him moving in for a bit until he gets his debts in better order. He said he can pay his debts off quicker though if he moves in because he wont be paying rent and stuff and then we can start saving for a.mortgage sooner etc. He also says he got the debt before he got with me and there is nothing he can do contracts hes tied into to (i suggested he sell his car and get a cheap run around)

I kind of see his point but i still feel like its just dragging me into all his debt which feels messy and makes me uncomfortable. AIBU to want him to clear his debt a bit first?

OP posts:
msmsms · 04/06/2018 20:46

His attitude to over £20k of debt says all you need to know...

He pays £600 a month for a CAR.

Can't get more irresponsible than that imo.

StripeyDeckchair · 04/06/2018 20:48

Hang on a minute - he'll be able to psych his debt off because he's not paying rent!
WTF! So he's planning to live off you?
The term you're looking for is cocklodger

Have you considered that when he moves in your UC entitlement will be reviewed and you may lose it? So you'll be worse off with him living with you and he'll be better off - that does sound right, does it?

Maybe he should look into selling his expensive, high maintenance car and replacing it with something more affordable.

daisychain01 · 05/06/2018 05:25

You need to aim higher. This bloke's attitude to debt and spending won't necessarily change just because you're giving him what is effectively an ultimatum "clear your debts or here's the door".

People like him are always looking at the next trinket/status symbol/overpriced technology. He has a young child ffs, where's his sense of priority/ responsibility?!

He will be your weakest link, do you really want him dragging you down?

user1457017537 · 05/06/2018 06:11

Well he clearly doesn’t prioritise paying his debts off. However, is he kind, considerate, loving towards you and your child. Is he a generous person, not just with money but also with his time. Is he affectionate. Does he help you and support you? I think the debt could be overcome eventually but not without sacrifice is he, and you, if he moves in, prepared for this. Does he have a good job, a career or does he always chop and change. Meet his mum she may be ok with him owing her the money and genuinely helped him through a difficult time. Does he see his child and spend time with them. Take a bit longer and ask him what he plans to contribute to your little family. Trust your instincts

beetfarmer · 05/06/2018 06:16

Even when he does get his debts in order he still can't live with you for free!!!!

Monty27 · 05/06/2018 06:25

It's obvious you will have grief. Cock lodgers always create problems. Tell him to go fuck himself and prioritise you and your baby.

AJPTaylor · 05/06/2018 06:33

Dont work twice as long for 20 extra!
it seems a bad idea all round. if he cant break his car contract now, when can he? most car finance is for 3 or 4 years. ask to see the paper work. hire purchase has a walk away contract after you have paid half. why is he paying 60 for a phone? even without interest he is looking at 10 years odd to repay his mum. what did he spend 20k on? what was the outcome? does he pay maintenace for his son?

Sametimesameplace · 05/06/2018 06:42

How many years does he think it will be before he is in a place to get a mortgage? He is in cloud cuckoo land.

CPtart · 05/06/2018 06:53

£600 a month on his car?! How much does he pay for his son? How often does he have sole care of him?
Your answers to that would tell me all I needed to know about him as a person. He wouldn't be the kind of man I'd be choosing as a father for any potential DC. I'd be calling the whole thing off, and make sure your contraception is watertight in the meantime.

Snog · 05/06/2018 07:10

You can do a lot better than this OP.

WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam · 05/06/2018 08:03

Sametimesameplace Asking him that would be very interesting wouldn’t it! It’ll take at least a decade just to pay off the £20k, on £200 per month (never mind that he could get it done in less than three years if he used his car payment money as well and just got a cheap run around).

I bet if OP asks he’ll just say something like ‘oh, a few years, not long’ because he’s too dim or not serious about the dent to have bothered to do the maths.

Orangecake123 · 05/06/2018 08:22

I can't get my head around £600 a month for a car. It doesn't look like he's serious about tackling his debt.

Beaverhausen · 05/06/2018 08:33

Come and tell us what his reaction is to the news please op.

Singlenotsingle · 05/06/2018 08:39

There are men around with no home of their own whose only intention is to find a woman to move in with, like a great big cuckoo in the nest. Happens a lot! Beware!

starryeyed19 · 05/06/2018 08:43

Fuck, no. Do not let him move in with that much debt.

gamerchick · 05/06/2018 08:44

There are men around with no home of their own whose only intention is to find a woman to move in with, like a great big cuckoo in the nest. Happens a lot! Beware!

Yes but it works though. These men must be bloody amazing in bed because that's all they have to offer.

Sametimesameplace · 05/06/2018 08:54

It does happen a lot but I doubt they are amazing in bed either, well not the ones I know.

BitOutOfPractice · 05/06/2018 08:59

It's going to take him more than 8 years to clear the debt to his mom, even if she's not charging interest.

notapizzaeater · 05/06/2018 09:14

Does he pay his mum rent ? Have you run it through calculators to see how much it would' cost' you to have him move in?

I'd want to see his credit report too to see if he's telling you everything

LovingLola · 05/06/2018 09:18

We have had a few small discussions recently about finances, how it would work etc. Everytime we do he tells me about a littlw bit more debt he "thought i knew about"

Small discussions? Little bit more debt?

You need a big massive discussion. About his big massive debts.

Original poster
Humbugington · 05/06/2018 09:18

Im back! Firstly i just want to clarify he does pay for his son every month 100% i wouldnt entertain a man who didnt.

Anways I spoke to him last night and told him i need atleast £500pm as a standing order (roughly half of my rent gas electric water council tax and internet) and i also need him to come back to me with some proper evidence (bank statements or something) of how is going to be able to afford it.

At first he said thats not fair because i will make money out of him then so i pointed out that otherwise i pay everything and he pays his debts which is isnt fair because they arent my debts. He then said he couldnt afford that so i told him that theres lots he could do to be able to afford it and im happy to wait as ling as it takes for him to get his finances in order but until then we can carry on as we are.

He could see my point and said he will make a plan and look at stuff. Im not holding my breath but we will see.

OP posts:
athingthateveryoneneeds · 05/06/2018 09:20

Good on you, OP. I wouldn't hold my breath either, and in actual fact, this might be the beginning of the end of your relationship entirely - he clearly isn't mature enough to be living as a partner anyway imo....

DileenODoubts · 05/06/2018 09:21

Wow, go you! Just goes to show what great judgement you have when you listen to it

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 05/06/2018 09:24

I think you've handled it really well, not surprised he wailed 'It's not fair' as he was expecting to get a free ride...

My ex once suggested that I pay half his settlement with his ex (equity in the house they bought together before he even met me) - a cool £6k - because it would 'help him get back on his feet quicker which was better for us.' Shot that one down in about 5 seconds - he dumped me the next week. Niiiice. These CFs are everywhere!

SleepingStandingUp · 05/06/2018 09:25

Dont work twice as long for 20 extra!
As an aside, why shouldn't op work to get herself off tax credits? Yes financially it isn't a huge amount but a few yearly pay rises ascend that gap will widen. It also puts get in a better position if she wants to go full time or change jobs. It shouldn't be a matter of working out the least amount of hours we can do to maximise benefit payments

OP you did the right thing. In reality I might weight it slightly higher towards you as yiu have maintenance for the kids? and he's paying maintenance for his but if he comes in with the, expectation of half rather than a free ride, you know its for the right reasons