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Original poster

DP moving in and debts. Am i being unfair?

311 replies

Humbugington · 04/06/2018 11:02

Been with my partner about 12 months, we were planning on him moving in before the end of the year (september october time).

We have had a few small discussions recently about finances, how it would work etc. Everytime we do he tells me about a littlw bit more debt he "thought i knew about"

He pays £600 a month on his car by the time hes paid finance and insurance etc. (Its a stupid pride and joy car that can apparently only have the best parts and shell fuel etc.)
He also has a £3000 credit card debt and pays his mum back £200 a month for a £20000 loan for solicitors when things with his ex broke down (he has a 3 yr old son)
His phone is also on a £60 month contract.

This month after all his bills were paid he had £100 left to buy food and petrol Hmm

I am a single mum to a 18 month old, i work part time and get UC. I work really hard to stay out of debt. I have none and would like to keep it that way.

So i said maube we should put off him moving in for a bit until he gets his debts in better order. He said he can pay his debts off quicker though if he moves in because he wont be paying rent and stuff and then we can start saving for a.mortgage sooner etc. He also says he got the debt before he got with me and there is nothing he can do contracts hes tied into to (i suggested he sell his car and get a cheap run around)

I kind of see his point but i still feel like its just dragging me into all his debt which feels messy and makes me uncomfortable. AIBU to want him to clear his debt a bit first?

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 04/06/2018 13:21

And do you have any evidence that the £20,000 loan he took out (which presumably his mum has paid off for him, rather than her having loaned him the money directly) was really to pay for solicitors? Really?

Because I have my suspicions that he's telling more than a few porky-pies here, and I wouldn't trust a word he says...

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 04/06/2018 13:21

If you are going to work 2 extra days, use that money to make life better for you & your child. Not to subsidise a potential cocklodger.

FannyFifer · 04/06/2018 13:21

Dear god, do not let him move in.

NordicNobody · 04/06/2018 13:21

This X a zillion 👆

RabbitsAreTasty · 04/06/2018 13:22

Are you scared of his reaction when you say no?

You say you've been in bad relationships before. Do you know how to turn him down even if he whines, whinges and wails at you about what a great big meanie you are?

Are you in a good place mentally for telling him where to go?

Cornishclio · 04/06/2018 13:22

Can you also see how wrong this is that you have to double your working hours just to stay in the same position because of him. You are not financially responsible for him. Work out 50% of the bills including share of rent and food and say he has to pay that. Otherwise he stays put and sorts out his finances. What on Earth is it with some of these manchilds? Totally taking the advantage of you.

NordicNobody · 04/06/2018 13:22

Oops, that was supposed to be under WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam post. But the rest are also true.

HawthornLantern · 04/06/2018 13:29

Humbug, it must be pretty overwhelming to read so many messages all telling you the same thing.

I'm sorry, but I want to repeat it again:

  • he should not move in unless he pays half all bills
  • he should cover half the rent and all of the UC that you will lose

If he does not do this, then you would be paying for him to move in. A child might be worth that cost, but a functioning, employed adult is not.

It is not a question of working out how you might break even if you work a bit harder. It is the fact that if he moves in you lose income and have added costs and he is not even offering to cover this.

Also - is he even paying maintenance for his 3 year old or is he pleading poverty (from the comfort of his luxury car)?

This is not the sign of a good man. A good man would care more about his child than having the best parts and petrol for a car. A good man would be making sure you would not be negatively affected by him moving in.

And the thing is, I think you know this and he knows this.

You point out that you've been having discussions where he tosses in extra facts "he thought" you knew about. You both know that's not true. He's testing the water with you to see what he can get away with. Do not trust him to ever volunteer any information or action that will cost him money.

I wish you a lovely future with your toddler - and I think it will be better without the manchild in it. All the very best

WalkingOnAFlashlightBeam · 04/06/2018 13:31

Ive just realised OP hasn’t been back...

... I’m finding it hard to believe this is real tbh.

HawthornLantern · 04/06/2018 13:33

Or maybe an onslaught of posts all saying the same thing is a bit much to read, much less digest all at once?

I am stone cold certain that situations just like this exist and if anyone is in that situation and reads the overwhelmingly consistent advice and finds themselves able to act on it, then that's only a good thing.

redastherose · 04/06/2018 13:43

Nope! He owes 3K on a credit card, 20K to his mum and he's wasting £600 a month on a car! He is telling you very clearly that his priority is his enjoyment not paying for his responsibilities.

He will expect you to bankroll him while he continues to enjoy his expensive habits.

Had he been bothered by the debts he would have been paying them back before having a status car. Do you realise that at that rate it will take him 8 years 4 months to pay his mum back and that is without interest!

If he doesn't pay more than the minimum off his credit card he will still owe the best part of that 3K no matter how long he pays it.

Jammycustard · 04/06/2018 13:44

And here, in the wilderness, a lodger of the cock variety is puffing up his chest and strutting because he has found himself a free nest.

Genius.

LexieLulu · 04/06/2018 13:46

There is no way I would allow someone to live with me to benefit them and not me!

He's obviously not intending to pay you rent!

If you agree with this you will be his doormat

VioletCharlotte · 04/06/2018 13:47

Not a chance in hell would he be moving in with me! On what planet is it reasonable to expect to live rent free so you can pay £600 for a car?!

I think I'd be thinking pretty carefully about whether I actually want a relationship with him at all. If he's serious, he needs to get rid of the car, buy a run around and use the money he saves to pay of some of the other debt. After a year, if he's sticking to this, maybe then reconsider.

Tiddlywinks63 · 04/06/2018 13:52

He sounds like a Flash Harry;egocentric, totally irresponsible and on the lookout for someone to sponge off.
He owes his DM thousands, is paying out £720/ year for a phone and £7200/year for a flashy car? No mention of supporting his child 😟
I wouldn't have him move in because I reckon he'll suddenly remember other debts.....

JengaCupboard · 04/06/2018 13:57

His priorities sound a bit off - if you're left with £100 a month to live off you shouldn't be driving an expensive car, and a £60 a month phone contract is just ridiculous.

You sound very financially sensible and he doesn't. You're clearly doubting the situation to ask here in the first place. I would avoid, personally.

D0gswithj0bz · 04/06/2018 14:00

20k ÷200 ÷12 it will take him 8 years to pay back and he should really pay some interest on top of that. I agree that he should be driving an old banger car and paying his mum more back on the loan each month. He does not seem to have his priorities right. I am sure a bank would expect more than £200 per month on a 20k loan. This seems to be the tip of his money problems. I would strongly recommend that you don't let him move in. Your priorities are you and your child

StylishMummy · 04/06/2018 14:04

If he's unwilling to compromise on his car with a pile of debt, he's the wrong person to be planning a future with

NordicNobody · 04/06/2018 14:07

Exactly @HawthornLantern with posts like this I kind of don't care if they're true or not. If definitely true for someone, and if that someone reads this thread one day and LTB then it was worth it to contribute.

Starlight2345 · 04/06/2018 15:45

just imagine if you saved £200 a month instead of moving him in ..in 8 years you would have £20k

You can start saving for a mortgage in september also as you have no debts to pay off if that is what you want to do.

DuperDucks · 04/06/2018 16:19

he wont be paying rent and stuff

Really? Why not?

'Cos you've got that covered obviously Angry!

He sounds like a taker. Let him live with his mum.

DuperDucks · 04/06/2018 16:21

yep OP not been back since page 2 or 3 ...

I think she will have got the general consensus message though if she does ...

brassbrass · 04/06/2018 16:29

The fact that he prioritises the car over his debts, his son and his life with you would make it a big fat No from me.

You know how hard it is to be financially independent with a small child of your own why would you risk that for someone who doesn't bring an equal amount (I don't just mean financially either) to the table.

What kind of a life will you realistically have living together? You will end up with 2 dependants.

PurpleTrilby · 04/06/2018 16:36

No, just no, don't allow him to move in, that way lies financial ruin for you. If and when (yeah, right!) he clears all his debts, everything, then perhaps you can reassess, but that's going to take several years, minimum. He sees you as a meal ticket, not a partner.

lilybetsy · 04/06/2018 16:42

What they ALL said. ALL

please don’t do this.

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