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Original poster

Separate budgets not working - even thinking about divorce

354 replies

silverturtle · 03/06/2018 21:04

Please talk me out of petitioning for divorce first thing tomorrow.

I have two pre-school children with DH, currently expecting our third.
We both have great jobs and rewarding careers. Our salaries are roughly the same (or at least should be).

The problem is, I am financially responsible for everything and DH just does not seem to care. It evolved this way naturally since our dating / bf-gf times, when we kept our finances separate. Then we bought our house, and it just happened that the payment was set up from my account; DH initially had a standing order of 50% into my account, but then he changed the bank, we re-mortgaged, and at that time I thought it was churlish to remind him, as we were already married, had DS and intended to live happily ever after. Then I set up all the utilities, and naturally they came from my account too... then I returned to work and felt that paying for the childcare is my responsibility. Then the house got unbelievably filthy with a small baby and two working parents and I had to find a cleaner. Then got pregnant with number two... rinse, repeat.

At the moment, despite earning a very good salary, I am just making ends meet, and am often overdrawn on the day before the payday. I am paying childcare fees x2, mortgage, gas, electricity, groceries, council tax, domestic help and, of course, all personal expenses. DH pays the water bill (for historical reasons) and for his own car.

I raised this topic, probably, a thousand times. At best, I get asked how far I am in the red and receive a one-off transfer to tide me over; at worst, there are suggestions on how to save money and run the house in a better, more efficient, way.

DH has just left for his brother's destination wedding. Alone. We received the invitation a couple of months ago, and I calmly explained that I won't be able to afford even the flight cost (around £700 per person), never mind other expenses, because THAT is how much I earn and THIS is how much I spend every month. And until today I hoped that there will be some sort of a last minute surprise... but, sadly, no.

Please tell me that I am just stupid, hormonal, greedy and totally overreacting.

OP posts:
mnxnt42 · 03/06/2018 21:06

Sorry, no. He’s a freeloading twat

endofagain · 03/06/2018 21:06

You are none of those things.
Your husband though...
Well, words fail me.
Sad

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 03/06/2018 21:07

No. You are not over reacting. This is unspeakable. Not just the finances but going off to the wedding alone. Just....wow

Out of interest, what reason will your DH give for his non-attendance?

leggo · 03/06/2018 21:08

He is wrong. Don’t put up with this. I think deep down you know the solution. It’s awful. Maybe see a solicitor to see what would result after a divorce so even if you don’t want to you know where you stand.

leggo · 03/06/2018 21:09

Totally cruel. If you were bf and gf I’d feel bad for you but you have a family ffs.

glitterbiscuits · 03/06/2018 21:09

I don’t remember reading any threads on Mumsnet that concern finance that are this bad.

Do you like your husband? Do you love him? How long has this been going on?
What does he contribute? Where does his money go?
I’m not easily shocked but your post has stunned me.

RoseyOldCrow · 03/06/2018 21:10

Nope, YANBU at all. He needs to pay the same as you do, no arguments.

mnxnt42 · 03/06/2018 21:10

That wasn’t very helpful, I’m sorry. I think if I were you (and I have been!) I would give this a try...

Set up a spreadsheet with all your outgoings. Identify what he pays for (virtually nothing!) and what you pay for and use it to calculate a monthly transfer amount. Talk him through it and show him the figures. Then remind him on pay day EVERY TIME of the amount and ask him to transfer it until he does. This is what I do and it does work.

Or leave him. I’m considering it myself tbh because it is beyond shit

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 03/06/2018 21:10

Sorry - what excuse for your non-attendance?

Numbsnet · 03/06/2018 21:11

It appears that you have trouble having the conversation with him. What happens when you try?
Does he give you a vague non committal answer or change the subject?
Or have you asked him straight to take over a couple of the bills or transfer more to you regularly each month?
It's not fare for you to pay all the bills. I notice a similar situation with us. I've just taken on the electric bill which, up until now, was coming from his account. Its in my name now as I was the one to price compare (but it ends up costing me!)
But every now and then we do check things are equal-ish.

Meeep · 03/06/2018 21:11

What the fuck.
Your husband is the absolute worst man.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 03/06/2018 21:11

Set up a spreadsheet with all your outgoings. Identify what he pays for (virtually nothing!) and what you pay for and use it to calculate a monthly transfer amount. Talk him through it and show him the figures. Then remind him on pay day EVERY TIME of the amount and ask him to transfer it until he does. This is what I do and it does work.

Sorry - but who the hell wants to live like that? Just. No.

GeekyWombat · 03/06/2018 21:12

The fact he went off on his own would make me reconsider the whole relationship. This is awful.

drspouse · 03/06/2018 21:15

What does he think he is? A toy boy?
Write him a statement of account. And see a solicitor.

Peanutbuttercups21 · 03/06/2018 21:15

Sorry OP, but you are a fool Sad

He lets you pay for everything, and uses his own money to party...

Why do women accept such shoddy shoddy deals, why? And why have 3 kids with this freeloader? Just why?

I can't understand women, I really can't

Why do you think.you are worthy of such contempt? Where is your (last shred of) srlf esteem?

Bloody hell, hope this is a troll

catherinedevalois · 03/06/2018 21:15

So first of all tell him that he's letting the tally mount up and it would be in his best interest to pay it off now. Present him with the itemised bill - 50% of mortgage, bills and childcare. Or tell him that for the next X years he pays 100% outgoings. If he refuses THEN divorce. He obviously thinks so little of you anyway. I can't begin to think what goes through his tiny mind on payday. Ooh goodie 100% is all mine, no bills to pay, no mortgage just fun and holidays!

TheFifthKey · 03/06/2018 21:15

You’d be so much better off as a single parent, because you’d get maintenance and probably tax credits towards childcare. And you wouldn’t be burning with utterly justified resentment either.

titchy · 03/06/2018 21:16

He's away. Excellent. Time to change the locks, see a solicitor and tell him to find somewhere else to live on his return, and stay in a hotel for the meantime.

At least you know you can just about manage on your salary, with his maintenance you should be comfortable.

fufulina · 03/06/2018 21:16

I am speechless. How on earth can he think it is in any way acceptable to go to a family wedding without family, and justify it in his head - when you;ve told him it's because you can;t afford it!?

Even if you do do a lovely big spreadsheet and agree an amount for him to transfer, the fact it has got to this point would be the end for me.

All of our bills come out of my account, but I log into our bank accounts on DH's payday and transfer everything into my account to meet all our commitments. We are married. We have a family. My salary is family money. His salary is family money. I don't understand how it can have got to this point.

Cricrichan · 03/06/2018 21:18

I'm gobsmacked that he's gone to the wedding alone after letting you pay for everything. What the hell is wrong with him?

Disquieted1 · 03/06/2018 21:18

You can't reason with people like this. Even if you stop paying the bills he won't take up the slack. He'll just shrug his shoulders as your credit rating is destroyed.

He'll have tens of K saved up on the back of your largesse. It's either joint accounts across the board, savings, current, anything else he may have or you've got to leave. You can't live the rest of your life like this.

biggirlknickers · 03/06/2018 21:19

My jaw has actually dropped reading this. Your DH is beyond freeloading. I would call this financial abuse.

How can you possibly try to blame yourself and call yourself ‘greedy’? And where do you get the notion that childcare is your responsibility alone? Are they not his children?

You need to make it clear to him that the only acceptable way to run the finances from now on is a straight 50/50 split on all bills - household, mortgage and childcare. And if he can’t accept that, do not hesitate to divorce him.

I’m tempted to tell you to divorce him anyway. He clearly understands that you pay for absolutely everything and has allowed this to go in for this long.

As for the brother’s wedding ... words fail me.

Please, please OP - do not accept this situation for another minute.

Awful, just awful.

isthisbeyoncecrazy · 03/06/2018 21:19

This is an absolute joke. Go and petition for that divorce OP.

Ickyockycocky · 03/06/2018 21:20

Why is childcare your responsibility? They are his children as well. In fact that is just the tip of the iceberg here. He should be paying half of everything. If he thinks not, then he is a deluded twat.

Racecardriver · 03/06/2018 21:21

Why are you still marrird to the s guy?