Separate budgets not working - even thinking about divorce

[silverturtle]

Please talk me out of petitioning for divorce first thing tomorrow.

I have two pre-school children with DH, currently expecting our third.
We both have great jobs and rewarding careers. Our salaries are roughly the same (or at least should be).

The problem is, I am financially responsible for everything and DH just does not seem to care. It evolved this way naturally since our dating / bf-gf times, when we kept our finances separate. Then we bought our house, and it just happened that the payment was set up from my account; DH initially had a standing order of 50% into my account, but then he changed the bank, we re-mortgaged, and at that time I thought it was churlish to remind him, as we were already married, had DS and intended to live happily ever after. Then I set up all the utilities, and naturally they came from my account too... then I returned to work and felt that paying for the childcare is my responsibility. Then the house got unbelievably filthy with a small baby and two working parents and I had to find a cleaner. Then got pregnant with number two... rinse, repeat.

At the moment, despite earning a very good salary, I am just making ends meet, and am often overdrawn on the day before the payday. I am paying childcare fees x2, mortgage, gas, electricity, groceries, council tax, domestic help and, of course, all personal expenses. DH pays the water bill (for historical reasons) and for his own car.

I raised this topic, probably, a thousand times. At best, I get asked how far I am in the red and receive a one-off transfer to tide me over; at worst, there are suggestions on how to save money and run the house in a better, more efficient, way.

DH has just left for his brother's destination wedding. Alone. We received the invitation a couple of months ago, and I calmly explained that I won't be able to afford even the flight cost (around £700 per person), never mind other expenses, because THAT is how much I earn and THIS is how much I spend every month. And until today I hoped that there will be some sort of a last minute surprise... but, sadly, no.

Please tell me that I am just stupid, hormonal, greedy and totally overreacting.

Is this actually real? I’m completely aghast! Also think the solicitor is talking shite.

OP your husband is a twat. One day you will be free of him. Do not leave the home - he and his legal bods are just trying to bully you. Be strong. Do not give in. Good luck.

You weren't paying for everything because you were being nice to him and giving him that as a present. You were paying for everything because he was being abusive. Make sure another solicitor you speak to is aware of his abuse

^^ THIS.

See another solicitor. Get an Occupation Order.
Also, if you have the space, a live-in nanny would probably be cheaper than those full-time Nursery fees.

Oh god, what a complete bastard. Wish I had some advice to give you.

Is this really true?

Time to cancel the kids passports and order new ones. The timing should be fine for your trip.

Hello lovely,

I can't add much to the excellent advice you've had regarding the legal & financial side of things above, but I did want to add my support - please please fight this and don't allow him to go continue to stamp all over you.

I did want to mention though, that £700 for groceries for 3 of you is excessive and you could also consider cutting the £200 cleaner to fortnightly or cancel him/her altogether. There's £400-£500+ saved each month right there.

OP.

I agree with the others, find a better lawyer.

You got this!

You can make a claim against his wages for child support, they don't care how much he pays his mum.. you will get a lots him as you have 3 children... and he won't have a choice. As if he won't pay they.just take it with a court order.
You can do this before the divorce..

OP I'm sorry this is happening to you. I too was suddenly abandoned by my ex, as were a few others on here (I'm thinking @Bibbidee). It's traumatic but you sound sensible and will come out ok in the end.
The advice your solicitor has given you sounds hard to hear but accurate enough. I actually did not use a solicitor until right at the end when drawing up the financial order but my advice is as follows:
Don't leave the home. He can't make you regardless of his solicitor's talk of the Former Marital Home. By the same token neither can you make him leave.
The starting point for division of assets is 50/50 BUT this is not some lawless kangaroo court we are talking about. The law in this case is primarily interested in how the children of the marriage are to be housed and cared for.
Pensions, savings etc will all come into play and you may be able to offset equity in the home against his pension. Otherwise make it very clear you will look to get a pension sharing order.
Very importantly BREATHE! These things don't happen in an instant and you need to think about what you want.

I think your grocery bill will drop dramatically once you are not feeding a grown man. I was astonished by how much less money I spent once ex left.
Log a case with the CMS immediately, give the date he left the family home as the date of your separation.
I actually wouldn't get rid of your cleaner - it's hard work being a single full time working mum and you need some help to keep going sometimes.
My ex completely blindsided me - he thought he had it all on his terms but it doesn't work like that. Ignore this Shit Hot Lawyer stuff - the courts will not make an award that is blatantly unfair to one party (even though it may feel blatantly unfair).
PM me if you like.

Good luck - you will be better off without him.

Oh bold fail sorry

Ohamlreally, I agree with most of what you say right up until you said to ignore SHL stuff, I don't like the term but read it as get the best lawyer to represent you and she needs one that is going to work with her to get the best outcome for them all, her and the kids especially as he is trying to pull the rug under her feet.

I agree OP will need representation before signing any consent order. My own lawyer said to me that the days of "taking people to the cleaners" are over and it doesn't work like that now. I do know someone who had a mortgage free home and a business and her spouse was awarded a significant amount of money even though he hadn't contributed and their child resides with her, but she wasn't left homeless and penniless. I'm sure it felt very unfair to her, and she had good legal representation - this is the way the law works.

The OP needs a lawyer she is comfortable with. She needs advice before her husband returns home from his trip.

Definitely get snooping while he’s away, but it sounds planned so you might not be able to find much.

You also need to find out what will happen to your immigration status in case of a divorce, depending on what country you are from.

How are you doing today OP?

Try Hughes, Fowler, Carruthers - v good firm and my friend works there.

They might let you defer payment until settlement if you explain situation.

You need better legal advice.
Do not leave the house.
Do not let him take the children out alone if he has their passports.
Find your backbone OP. Before you said he was doing this I was coming on to say that I don't understand women like you. I still don't. But now I am angry for you!

Yes and do not leave house.

If you look at the website for Chambers and Partners UK and put in family/matrimonial it gives you a list of the top law firms/individuals in your area. Get someone good.

Hope that you are doing ok op

Assuming this is real, you must do something about the children's passports ASAP. He is either:

1. Going to take them abroad - all that diverted cash buys a lot in some countries.

2. Wants to prevent you from visiting your relatives.

Given that you are pregnant, and your relatives could presumably visit you in this country, I'm thinking it's no 1.

thinking of you, OP, hope today has been a better day for you

Find a solicitor who wants to work for you. Lots just take your money unfortunately. I had to get several quotes and use my own judgement.
Report passports as lost. Unfortunately you’ll have to put emotions aside, deal with this shit then release emotions after the practicalities are sorted.
Being pregnant could actually work in your favour here. I had to quit full time work to prove I was willing to be primary carer for dc after dh planned to dispute this as we both worked full time.
You need a shl who will work to get as much for you as possible ie home for you and three dc. Let go of what he might might not get if you can, it doesn’t matter as long as you can fight to get all that you can.
Ffs do not move anywhere outside the family home. This is essential. I was told it would make it look like I was leaving my family and didn’t need the home.

All the best op

Hey OP. Thinking of you. Take care of yourself and don't do anything rash

Hope you're OK, OP. This is a bit of a jaw-dropping thread. Your soon to be exHusband is a nasty nasty man.

I know that is difficult for you to see at the moment, but I hope you'll get through this.

You've had some fantastic advice from some wonderful women here. Don't leave the family home - you can prove you've paid for most of it. And if you are still thinking of going back to your home country with your children for a visit, could you switch that around, and use the money you would spend on your travel to bring a supportive member of your family here?

Your stbEx's behaviour & collusion with his mother reminds me of a long-running thread in the other place by a poster (Seoladair?) who was having difficulties with her in-laws' emotional and financial abuse and attempts to control. Very similar - husband from a family with a wealthy background, lots of manipulation & abuse and attempts to control the poster & her children through her DH. Although I think he wised up to the treatment of his wife and resisted his family ...

Just wondering how the OP is doing though they may be sensibly not posting.