Separate budgets not working - even thinking about divorce

[silverturtle]

Please talk me out of petitioning for divorce first thing tomorrow.

I have two pre-school children with DH, currently expecting our third.
We both have great jobs and rewarding careers. Our salaries are roughly the same (or at least should be).

The problem is, I am financially responsible for everything and DH just does not seem to care. It evolved this way naturally since our dating / bf-gf times, when we kept our finances separate. Then we bought our house, and it just happened that the payment was set up from my account; DH initially had a standing order of 50% into my account, but then he changed the bank, we re-mortgaged, and at that time I thought it was churlish to remind him, as we were already married, had DS and intended to live happily ever after. Then I set up all the utilities, and naturally they came from my account too... then I returned to work and felt that paying for the childcare is my responsibility. Then the house got unbelievably filthy with a small baby and two working parents and I had to find a cleaner. Then got pregnant with number two... rinse, repeat.

At the moment, despite earning a very good salary, I am just making ends meet, and am often overdrawn on the day before the payday. I am paying childcare fees x2, mortgage, gas, electricity, groceries, council tax, domestic help and, of course, all personal expenses. DH pays the water bill (for historical reasons) and for his own car.

I raised this topic, probably, a thousand times. At best, I get asked how far I am in the red and receive a one-off transfer to tide me over; at worst, there are suggestions on how to save money and run the house in a better, more efficient, way.

DH has just left for his brother's destination wedding. Alone. We received the invitation a couple of months ago, and I calmly explained that I won't be able to afford even the flight cost (around £700 per person), never mind other expenses, because THAT is how much I earn and THIS is how much I spend every month. And until today I hoped that there will be some sort of a last minute surprise... but, sadly, no.

Please tell me that I am just stupid, hormonal, greedy and totally overreacting.

Perfect time to find a way to get hold of his bank statements. He must have thousands. And see a solicitor. This is financial abuse.

Actually, I’d bide my time. As suggested, tell him you want a lump sum to cover past expenditure, or it’s over. Once you have it, end it anyway.

How on earth have you ended up paying the mortgage and bills on your own?? Set up a joint account. Tell him this is the amount that will be needed and insist he sets up a standing order into the account for the same amount as you.

You “thought it was churlish to remind him”???? To pay for his own fucking house?!?!? Are you kidding?

And HOW just HOW did you think childcare was your cost alone?

And why when you said you couldn’t afford the wedding why did you not say it was because you’re carrying all his share of life’s expenses as well as your own??

This is the perfect opportunity for you to get evidence and speak to a solicitor. He must have thousands in a bank account somewhere. You'll be so much better off both financially and emotionally when this freeloader isn't leeching off you.

This has made me so on your behalf. It’s not an accident or an oversight, it’s a decision he’s made and he’s certainly got the best deal. I don’t think divorce is actually a rash decision, he is treating you with real contempt.

I understand the mortgage is set up from your account, and you maybe didn’t have a joint account then but why did it follow that everything else - council tax, utilities etc. are also from your account? Have you never considered a joint account since for bills? Though of course I can’t see him being in favour.

Can he show that he has contributed anything to the household if you were to divorce? I am embarrassed for him, he is behaving like another child not your partner.

I know a couple where the deal was he paid the mortgage and she paid everything else. It may have worked ok at first but circumstances changed and the arrangement never did. Two children later and all the extra costs still fall to her. He pays a tiny mortgage payment with a low interest rate and she is left with everything else. He has loads of spare cash for all the latest gadgets, she is scrimping together money for food at the end of the month.

Oh and don't suggest a joint account - that would be a nightmare with such a freeloader.

are you okay OP....

I would use the time he is away to work out how much he owes you for half of mortgage and bills and food and then email him the bill. Insist that it is paid immediately upon his return. Then insist upon a joint account for which you both pay a set amount into to cover all your costs.
If he fails to agree to both parts - then time to think about what you really want and need. Only you can decide that.

then I returned to work and felt that paying for the childcare is my responsibility.

No it’s not. Your chikdren are as much their father’s responsibility as yours.

You need a joint account, into which you either pay similar percentages of what you earn, or similar amounts. If percentages, you may need to play around with them to work out what you need to outbin to cover costs. This account shoujd cover joint costs such as mortgage, utilities, food and childcare.

I don't know how you got here! And I suspect nor do you.

We have a joint account for all bills into which we pay equally. Tell him that if a joint account for bills is not set up tomorrow you will divorce him

I remember at work some kindly boss telling me I had an assertiveness issue. He was right. I did. This is how I recognise an assertiveness issue when I see one.

Fuck my life, OP, that is unbelievable. Absolute bastard. How you haven't walked by now I do not know.

Why would anyone want to talk you out of Viking for divorce? Your husband is a feckless twat. And you're a fool

Filing, not Viking!

Oh. My. God . This is truly shocking. Please tell me you don't honestly think this is normal or acceptable? No, no you are definitely not hormonal, greedy or over reacting. Your husband on the other hand is many, many things. Bad things. You must leave him OP. Please get help and start preparing to leave. You can't fix this, you can only leave.

You are being taken advantage of. No way would I put up with that. Tell him to move out. No more free loading. I would do a spreadsheet with all family expenses and tell him he is paying half and you are taking legal advice. I would get rid of him anyway even if he agrees to pay half under duress. To let you pay for everything and get into financial difficulties while he goes off to his brothers wedding is beyond the pale. Shame him to his family and tell them the reason you couldn't come is because you pay all the bills and he pays nothing.

I like the idea of Viking for divorce. Vikings are not known for having assertiveness issues. Let's get the OP to be a Viking

You read about some utter bastards on here every day, but jeezo your DH is right up there. I actually can't believe this is true, why on earth would you live like this?! Why on earth would you think paying for childcare is your sole responsibility? Either he is an evil genius, you are a total mug or it's some combination of the two.

Leave him, leave him now. You would actually be better off because he would have to pay maintenance for his children.

This is unbelievable! Seriously OP, how have you managed to stand this for so long. I would
Email him telling him you’ve changed the locks and if he wants to get back in to even discuss this then you are setting up a joint account for all bills and mortgage. And joint savings.
I’m not even married and all our money is in one pot!
He’s got you for a fool.
And wtf would you think childcare is your responsibility?!

OP, deep down you know why you have let all this happen.

Yes, yes, you need to leave him because he doesn't like you let alone love you, but what really needs addressing is your own part in all of this, because you are not going to be free until this is addressed.

You need to learn to love yourself, value yourself, and stop hoping for him to stop you punishing yourself. A really good therapist will work wonders.

OP I am fuming at your attitude towards childcare. Why would you assume it’s your responsibility? This is exactly what’s wrong with the world. Women like you accepting shit like that. If all women said no go to fuck to these freeloading cocklodgers they would have to change their tune but it’s never going to happen because some women will put up with all sorts. C’mon I know being a single parent is shit at times but not as shit as looking at the bastard lay next to you knowing he’s playing you for a fool.

Why would you have 3 DC with this man when you are already struggling financially? How does it work with your maternity pay which is presumably lower?

I like the idea of Viking for divorce.
Great name for a firm of SHLs

WTF?!

Use the time he's away to photocopy all his paperwork. Then pack his crap up and change the locks. Tell him you had to economise to make ends meet and you'd rather get rid of him than the cleaner.

I genuinely hope this isn't the case but are you sure he's gone to the wedding on his own? do you get on with your in-laws?

Good god, I'm stunned.

If none of the other replies can help you see sense, imagine one of your children living like this. What would you say to them?