Separate budgets not working - even thinking about divorce

[silverturtle]

Please talk me out of petitioning for divorce first thing tomorrow.

I have two pre-school children with DH, currently expecting our third.
We both have great jobs and rewarding careers. Our salaries are roughly the same (or at least should be).

The problem is, I am financially responsible for everything and DH just does not seem to care. It evolved this way naturally since our dating / bf-gf times, when we kept our finances separate. Then we bought our house, and it just happened that the payment was set up from my account; DH initially had a standing order of 50% into my account, but then he changed the bank, we re-mortgaged, and at that time I thought it was churlish to remind him, as we were already married, had DS and intended to live happily ever after. Then I set up all the utilities, and naturally they came from my account too... then I returned to work and felt that paying for the childcare is my responsibility. Then the house got unbelievably filthy with a small baby and two working parents and I had to find a cleaner. Then got pregnant with number two... rinse, repeat.

At the moment, despite earning a very good salary, I am just making ends meet, and am often overdrawn on the day before the payday. I am paying childcare fees x2, mortgage, gas, electricity, groceries, council tax, domestic help and, of course, all personal expenses. DH pays the water bill (for historical reasons) and for his own car.

I raised this topic, probably, a thousand times. At best, I get asked how far I am in the red and receive a one-off transfer to tide me over; at worst, there are suggestions on how to save money and run the house in a better, more efficient, way.

DH has just left for his brother's destination wedding. Alone. We received the invitation a couple of months ago, and I calmly explained that I won't be able to afford even the flight cost (around £700 per person), never mind other expenses, because THAT is how much I earn and THIS is how much I spend every month. And until today I hoped that there will be some sort of a last minute surprise... but, sadly, no.

Please tell me that I am just stupid, hormonal, greedy and totally overreacting.

Perhaps you should explain to your husband this is a deal breaker . . . Oh and by the way and £xxx,xxx is now much a divorce will cost you then ask him which option he would like to take. Shared responsibility for all financial matters now, or you have 70 percent of the house and he pays £xxx.xx a month in child maintenance, and has the children for fifty percent of the time. What do you think his answer will be?

ARE YOU FUCKING NUTS??????

I just.. no words. This is beyond believable.

I just cannot comprehend how this happened. It’s beyond any sane arrangement. How you had ONE child with this idiot let alone a third is utterly beyond me.

Sorry - that sounded judgemental but it’s more incredulous. I just can’t believe what I’ve read.

He owes you a lot of money. He must be rolling in it.

Why the fuck you think childcare is for you to pay is beyond me.

Well Yorkshire men are known for being tight!!

You need to accept this isn’t something you have both ‘fallen’ into doing - he’s deliberately engineered this to screw you over

Tell people in real life - please

Please leave him

This is so far away from appropriate financial behaviour in a relationship, it's like you're in denial (the actual psychological kind).

You need to tell him it's unacceptable and he needs to meet his financial obligations to his family.

This is so far away from appropriate financial behaviour in a relationship, it's like you're in denial (the actual psychological kind).

I agree with this. It is astounding that this man thinks he is entitled to go through life with his wife paying for his food, his childcare, his electricity bill etc while feeling not the least compunction about leaving her behind because she can't afford to pay for a ticket to go to a family wedding.

Equally astounding that any woman would think it was normal.

Also - most married couples decide together whether they can go to a family wedding or not. If money is tight they might decide that just one of them goes. It is not normal for one to go because he can afford it and the other to be left behind because she can't. That is absolutely profoundly weird.

To be honest, OP, I am as worried about your putting up with this as your husband, the fucker, glomming off you all these years.

There is some serious dysfuntional shit going on here. I think you need to see someone about this. Goes without saying you need to cut the leech off - and claim some of the money he stole from you back.

Just calculate the current outgoings each month and sit him down and tell him he needs set up sending you 50% each month. I don't see what is so difficult about that. If he says no, then fuck him. Do you know how much he even has in his bank account?!?! I dread to think how well off he may be.

Hi op, from what you have said you pay for each month, I'm assuming it's quite a lot of money? The childcare x2 and the mortgage must be a couple of thousand.. plus everything else you mentioned.

Then you said he earns similar.
I'm assuming you know the exact amount each month that you pay out for all of the things mentioned?
Imagine having this amount just for you.

Well that's the situation your husband is in.
So you can see why each and every poster is utterly gobsmacked with the situation you are in.

I mean this kindly but I think you have made things too east for him. You sound absolutely lovely and it's clear as day that he has and is taking advantage of you.

Please think this through very carefully.
This is not a dispute over a few pounds, it's a whole bloody salary every month going god knows where?!

It's admirable that's he's helping his mother financially but at the cost of his wife and children? No way.
Hopefully his mother can put him up when you split up, seeing as he has been so good to her.

I would begin by working out everything down to the last penny, show your husband exactly what you have coming in and then going out.
Ask him the same question. When he has answered you, ask him how he would feel if the roles were reversed.

Any decent human being would be embarrassed at least and thoroughly ashamed at best.
Good luck with it all and your pregnancy.

You are very much "worthy" of this man. Don't put him on a pedestal. He really doesn't deserve it

Oh OP, he has totally taken advantage of you and has been so manipulative that even now, with the writing firmly on the wall, you are wondering if you are being reasonable and if this is a price worth paying to keep this man.

I agree with PP that the relationship you describe is dysfunctional and the power imbalance seems incredibly unhealthy. You seem to rely on his better nature to get any kind of contribution to his and your children's living costs whilst you have no choice but to pick up the tab for everything. Don't kid yourself that he doesn't understand you're struggling or hasn't realised that the situation is unfair, he knows and he is content to stand by and watch you try to make ends meet whilst he must be sat on a substantial amount of money. He is quite literally short changing you and your children to fund his own selfish wants and needs.

I say the following kindly and in the hope that it will prevent you making excuses for him. This man does not truly love you, if he did he would be stepping up to help you and would not be so eager to fly off on holiday leaving you at home. Love involves an element of self sacrifice and whilst you clearly exhibit it in spades, your DH seems to be completely lacking in this area. You are effectively already a single parent from a financial perspective and he is currently using you as a meal ticket to support the whole family. Why aren't some of the direct debits moved to his account when you confront him as opposed to him transferring relatively measly amounts? Because he knows that would be the start of setting up an equitable financial model and he doesn't want that. He doesn't want to pay his share and he'll sponge off you for as long as you allow it. The question is for how long will you allow it?

You may aswell be on your own with 3 children because thats what you are doing anyway. Let him find out how much money he has got left when he is paying his own rent/mortgage, utility bills food and maintenance when he is on his own the freeloader. And as for the wedding well 😮

I’ve been through counselling and it sounds like you have an “avoidant” personality. Look it up. It’s why you have let this carry on. Ask yourself why have you paid all the childcare? You and he have let it get to the point where you are almost broke every month. Is that good for your kids? Is that setting a good role model? It’s also horrendously unfair. You know it’s not right. However, to be fair you probably haven’t even spoken to him about it (avoidant personality). You could actually give him a chance to rectify this. One chance. Text him now.
“I’m absolutely horrified and beyond upset that you chose to go to the wedding without me. For years, I have paid the entire mortgage, childcare and all of the financial responsibilities from my bank account. You’ve said why does it matter as we are a team. Yours is mine. It’s all in one pot etc etc however, when I said to you I couldn’t afford the air fare because paying for everything every month of our marriage has CRIPPLED me, you didn’t allow me or offer me to access any of the money (and it must be a lot because you pay for nothing) sitting in your pot to get me to the wedding. This is wrong and disgusting. I want to know how much money you have got sitting in your account right now. Give me the password to your account so that I can transfer over your share of the mortgage this month and then we will discuss the rest of it when you return”

His evasive “its all one pot” doesn’t work now because he took his pot and flew off. You had no access to that when you needed it.

He can no longer be excused or tolerated and you should piss on his parade. You are being abused. Your kids are being abused. He is not a good dad if he’s happy to see his pregnant wife stressed and coping with all of this. He must have many thousands saved up. Think about that. Look at how much you’ve got in your bank account and think about what he’s got and get angry. He’s a piss poor excuse for a husband

@silverturtle he's not out of your league, yoyre earning the same, you are managing an entire household, and a great guy would be paying his way.

His left pocket / right pocket argument is clearly rubbish because the right pocket of my trousers has never gone on holiday without the left.

If he is supporting his family as you say, and going on holiday with them, it does make me wonder if that's where a lot of his (/your joint!) money is going. Is it important for him to be seen as an amazing /wealthy guy? Clearly he likes that you do, and spoils people with gifts, perhaps he is doing the same with his family.

Oh and meant to say that if you won't leave him, PLEASE make an appointment with Relate for the two of you. They can help give you frameworks and space for discussing some of these issues in a more constructive way. And if he won't come, you can go by yourself and they can help you work though things at least.

Well the good news is that when you divorce him all the cash he must have stashed away will be considered a joint marital asset and you will be liable to be awarded half. Which is what you deserve because he should have been paying half of everything all
This time.
It's not at all acceptable that he hasn't been and I would think he knows that too after several conversations about it. As for going off to the wedding on his own-come on now op-that's your final wake up call surely?

Stop asking him for money every month. Tell him that bills need to be split fairly and that he has to setup direct debits for x, y and z from his account and cancel yours. Or insist you set up a joint account for bills and each transfer your share - with a deadline for doing this.

If he doesn't then leave. Although it sounds like you wouldn't.

He's not out of your league or lovely. He's a dick and a user. The right pocket left pocket stuff only works if you have equal access to his stash and clearly you don't if he left you behind for this wedding.

Holy shit. Get that divorce. He's financially abusing you. What an absolute cunt.

Also child care was never your responsibility. That should have been 50/50 like everything else.

And of course, you are out of his league. Not the other way round.

This is, in many ways, one of the worst things I’ve read on here.

It’s the fact that you have normalised so much of this that’s hard to read. Of course he should be paying half of everything (including childcare) and doing his share at home. Of course he should have paid for your ticket. Of course you are well justified in asking (telling!) him to give you his fair share.

The fact you have to question it speaks to how well he’s ground you down. This is really bad.

I have read loads of threads about financial inequality/ abuse and freeloading on MN but I have never heard about a husband/ partner who literally pays NOTHING towards his family.

File for divorce, this is financial abuse of you and your children. You will be so much better off without him (and go through the CSA or a solicitor for maintenance so that when he doesn't pay there will be consequences).

The good thing about all this oP is that you know you can do this alone, financially you don’t need him. So when it finally hits you and you have had enough, you can just walk away and you’ll be fine.

However, you need to do something about it. Add all the bills together (mortgage, utilities, childcare) and only pay half of that into the joint account, tell him his share and to set up a standing order.

Right. He’s away. Good.
Get all financial documents together.
Find all his paperwork, payslips, bank statements etc
Find a SHL (shit hot lawyer)
Divorce the dick.

As a thought, you and the Dc weren’t “worthy” of being paid for in his eyes but I bet his DM has gone. And I bet the fucker paid for her.

If the utility bills are in your name, and you have the details of his bank from last time he transferred money to you, you can probably just alter the DD so it comes from his account. Or an old joint one.
Then just tell him what you've done, and he has to find the money now.
At the very least it's a start.

Wtf op. Are you serious.
This isn't a relationship?! Does he even love you? There's no way I'd go to a wedding and leave DP behind. There's no way I'd let him pay for everything and keep my money to myself.
I think you need to threaten to leave, make sure he knows he needs to pay for 50% if bills. If you left him you'd be better of financially as you'd get half of everything he currently owns plus maintenance. Explain this. He's a disgusting freeloader and I can't believe you're putting up with this.