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Original poster

Separate budgets not working - even thinking about divorce

354 replies

silverturtle · 03/06/2018 21:04

Please talk me out of petitioning for divorce first thing tomorrow.

I have two pre-school children with DH, currently expecting our third.
We both have great jobs and rewarding careers. Our salaries are roughly the same (or at least should be).

The problem is, I am financially responsible for everything and DH just does not seem to care. It evolved this way naturally since our dating / bf-gf times, when we kept our finances separate. Then we bought our house, and it just happened that the payment was set up from my account; DH initially had a standing order of 50% into my account, but then he changed the bank, we re-mortgaged, and at that time I thought it was churlish to remind him, as we were already married, had DS and intended to live happily ever after. Then I set up all the utilities, and naturally they came from my account too... then I returned to work and felt that paying for the childcare is my responsibility. Then the house got unbelievably filthy with a small baby and two working parents and I had to find a cleaner. Then got pregnant with number two... rinse, repeat.

At the moment, despite earning a very good salary, I am just making ends meet, and am often overdrawn on the day before the payday. I am paying childcare fees x2, mortgage, gas, electricity, groceries, council tax, domestic help and, of course, all personal expenses. DH pays the water bill (for historical reasons) and for his own car.

I raised this topic, probably, a thousand times. At best, I get asked how far I am in the red and receive a one-off transfer to tide me over; at worst, there are suggestions on how to save money and run the house in a better, more efficient, way.

DH has just left for his brother's destination wedding. Alone. We received the invitation a couple of months ago, and I calmly explained that I won't be able to afford even the flight cost (around £700 per person), never mind other expenses, because THAT is how much I earn and THIS is how much I spend every month. And until today I hoped that there will be some sort of a last minute surprise... but, sadly, no.

Please tell me that I am just stupid, hormonal, greedy and totally overreacting.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 03/06/2018 21:23

OMG OP..... I'm speechless Lady Flowers

Pippylou · 03/06/2018 21:24

Just read this out to my DH, he says you've been diddled.

I'm a SAHW and I contribute more than that!

How does he view the DC? Does he actually think he's single? Do you get on otherwise?

Believeitornot · 03/06/2018 21:24

Wow that’s appalling.

As someone said, write out the invoice. Let that be his final warning.

Does he even think of the dcs as his?!

mimibunz · 03/06/2018 21:26

And what does he bring to the relationship?

LOliver123 · 03/06/2018 21:26

That is crazy. I agree with sitting him down - showing him all the outgoings, and telling him he needs to pay his share. Have him transfer this amount every month to you ! You should be paying for all the childcare !

fuzzywuzzy · 03/06/2018 21:27

Divorce him, at least that way he will hav to take some financial responsibility for his children.

This sounds so awful.

Btw if you go to work, you both contribute towards childcare as your income goes towards supporting your family.

SonicVersusGynaephobia · 03/06/2018 21:28

Do you know what he spends his money on?

applesandpears56 · 03/06/2018 21:29

OMG are you actually serious?!
I’m sorry my lovely but your marriage is already over.

Wallywobbles · 03/06/2018 21:29

Presumably you'll be able to show at the divorce you've paid all the mortgage. I'd imagine a decent lawyer will make mincemeat out of him.

Strigiformes · 03/06/2018 21:29

He is financially abusing you op. Do you have any family and friends that you can confide in? You definitely need to let other people know Flowers

DrScully · 03/06/2018 21:30

I’m completely stunned.

I mean.... why on earth has it got to this state? You’re MARRIED. Why would you not insist on splitting the mortgage when he changed bank accounts?!

Does he have a gambling/drug problem or something? What on earth is he spending his entire wage on?!

RandomMess · 03/06/2018 21:30

SadAngry that is truly awful, he must have ££££££ stashed away!

Wallywobbles · 03/06/2018 21:30

And that spreadsheet will be useful for the lawyer too.

applesandpears56 · 03/06/2018 21:31

I can’t believe he went on holiday without you as he could afford it and you couldn’t! Seriously!
Do you actually tell your friends in real life all this? You should-they’ll give you a reality check. I bet you keep it from them as you know it’s not right and want to protect him.

fridayrain · 03/06/2018 21:32

The finances alone would justify rethinking things but the fact he has been explicitly told why you can't go and went on his own regardless is horrendous.

Why would you want to be with someone who does not even care that you can't go?

He literally does not care.

You seem like an intelligent woman. You know how wrong this entire setup is both finacially and emotionally. He is responsible for providing for his children as much as you are and the fact he would not do this would be an end for me.

I cant see one valid reason he could give for his failings in any of these scenarios. Why have you accepted this?

SittingAround1 · 03/06/2018 21:32

Awful. I would say to him that he needs to set up a standing order for half the total monthly outgoings into your account every month or you will be getting a divorce.

mustbemad17 · 03/06/2018 21:32

Transfer some of the bills into his name.

Or bury him under the patio

gamerchick · 03/06/2018 21:32

You've been royally screwed OP. He's got it made hasn't he? House,kids all run and paid for and sex on tap?

You would probably be better off splitting up and claiming maintenance and make sure you have proof you've paid for everything for your solicitor.

I'm sorry man.

Sunshinegirl82 · 03/06/2018 21:32

Where is all the money? I would use the time he's away to get copies of everything you can lay your hands on paperwork wise and the see a solicitor.

You don't want this to carry on for years whilst you merrily pay off the mortgage and then be arguing about splitting assets. Do it now whilst joint assets are of lower value. Hopefully he has significant savings from squirrelling away all this money and you can use that to offset the equity in the house or look to take half.

Even if you decide to talk to him I would get the evidence now in case he realises you won't stand for it anymore and hides it. Good luck.

killinginthenameof · 03/06/2018 21:34

This is one of the worst things I have read on here. He needs a short sharp shock. See a solicitor while he is away and when he gets back tell him you are divorcing him for financial abuse.

pallisers · 03/06/2018 21:35

Is he for real? He thinks you should pay for his life?

I couldn't be with someone who was
a. this freeloading
b. cared so little for me
c. this thick stupid

Text him and say finances are going to be shared from now on. Expect you to send me half your savings to make up for all I've spend supporting you and your children over the past few years. And from now on you will be paying your way - your freeloading days are over.

Or just split (I would).

And please please go and see someone about why you tolerated this for so long.

DH has just left for his brother's destination wedding. Alone. We received the invitation a couple of months ago, and I calmly explained that I won't be able to afford even the flight cost (around £700 per person), never mind other expenses, because THAT is how much I earn and THIS is how much I spend every month. And until today I hoped that there will be some sort of a last minute surprise... but, sadly, no.

He is a true fucker. Tell his family why you are not at the wedding and don't pull your punches. Text his mum and sibs etc saying "so wish I could be there but I pay for everything at home - all bills- so dh has enough money for him to go but I don't and it didn't occur to him to pay for me and the kids"

Or just ignore the above and divorce his sorry ass.

Mueslibox · 03/06/2018 21:36

So you pay for house, bills, childcare and holiday?????? WHYYYYYYYY did you feel that childcare must be your responsibility if you were already paying the mortgage and bills? WHY?

He is an absolute ass hat. You poor thing.

Sametimesameplace · 03/06/2018 21:37

Why is he acting as if he does not have a family?

GinAndSonic · 03/06/2018 21:38

Divorce the freeloading bastard. Use his time at the wedding to get copies of all his financial documents, see a solicitor etc.

SingleDingle · 03/06/2018 21:38

Get rid!

You’ll be better off financially as you’ll receive maintenance, council tax reduction, have one less mouth to feed, and you can maybe ditch the cleaner with one less to tidy up after and manage the cleaning when he has the dc. At least all that!

You’ll also be better off emotionally. This man has NO respect for you. He’s not a decent husband or father, he’s a parasite.