Separate budgets not working - even thinking about divorce

[silverturtle]

Please talk me out of petitioning for divorce first thing tomorrow.

I have two pre-school children with DH, currently expecting our third.
We both have great jobs and rewarding careers. Our salaries are roughly the same (or at least should be).

The problem is, I am financially responsible for everything and DH just does not seem to care. It evolved this way naturally since our dating / bf-gf times, when we kept our finances separate. Then we bought our house, and it just happened that the payment was set up from my account; DH initially had a standing order of 50% into my account, but then he changed the bank, we re-mortgaged, and at that time I thought it was churlish to remind him, as we were already married, had DS and intended to live happily ever after. Then I set up all the utilities, and naturally they came from my account too... then I returned to work and felt that paying for the childcare is my responsibility. Then the house got unbelievably filthy with a small baby and two working parents and I had to find a cleaner. Then got pregnant with number two... rinse, repeat.

At the moment, despite earning a very good salary, I am just making ends meet, and am often overdrawn on the day before the payday. I am paying childcare fees x2, mortgage, gas, electricity, groceries, council tax, domestic help and, of course, all personal expenses. DH pays the water bill (for historical reasons) and for his own car.

I raised this topic, probably, a thousand times. At best, I get asked how far I am in the red and receive a one-off transfer to tide me over; at worst, there are suggestions on how to save money and run the house in a better, more efficient, way.

DH has just left for his brother's destination wedding. Alone. We received the invitation a couple of months ago, and I calmly explained that I won't be able to afford even the flight cost (around £700 per person), never mind other expenses, because THAT is how much I earn and THIS is how much I spend every month. And until today I hoped that there will be some sort of a last minute surprise... but, sadly, no.

Please tell me that I am just stupid, hormonal, greedy and totally overreacting.

Fuck me! Seriously, why the fuck do you put up with this? Sit down, right now and work out how much the bills are, to the penny. Then phone him and tell him you’ll be setting up a joint account into which he’ll be paying half the cost every month.

Also work out how much you have paid out since this horse shit started, and tell him he’ll be paying half that amount into your account immediately. If he refuses, kick his sorry freeloading arse out.

This cannot be true... Basically he is getting all his living expenses paid for by you.
Where is all his salary?
Ffs op... Grow a pair... If you divorce he'd have to pay cm... You'd have your salary... Which you can live on obviously but without feeding clothing housing an extra adult.
You'd be financially better off

So basically OP you have a freeloading cocklodger.

He pays nothing for 3 children and minimum amount to live somewhere. He is essentially robbing you and his children. You need to sort the money side out or sort him out by divorcing asap What does he do with his wages, does he work ? He has zero respect for you

the way he behaves I can't tell you not to.

you will be better off without him

at least do what @Omgineedanamechange suggest

This cannot be real... !

Wow...just wow...is this a serious post?
I think this might be one of the worst things I’ve read on mumsnet!
I’m not sure what to even write and that’s unusual for me. I’d suggest you contact a solicitor 1st thing tomorrow and go through this financial stuff with somebody professional. If nothing else, work out his share of all the mortgage payments. Text him and ask him to transfer that amount of money immediately or you will be getting the house valued while he is away and seeing a solicitor about a divorce. He is the most awful/horrid/disgusting man. Serious financial abuse perhaps the worst I’ve ever read. Shocked you’ve let this continue for so long.

I’m re reading this thinking it can’t actually be real

So he doesnt think he should be paying any bills?

I won't talk you down...you should have done this ages ago.

What is his reason for not sharing costs?

In the interests of trying to stay together I'd tell him if he doesnt transfer X amount to you towards the household from next pay day...the marriage is over.

Say it and mean it. Have the papers ready to show you mean business.

I'd also be asking for backpay.
I can't understand why you're having a third child with this major issue not sorted out.

Wow, you'd get more money form him in CMS ....

I don't want to introduce something that is potentially off-topic (but I will anyway).

Where is the OP's DH's money going?

Any suggestions?

Is the car he is paying for a Rolls Royce? Is he having his suits made by bespoke tailors? Is he treating himself to the odd rolex/prostitute/drug habit?

Or, more benignly.is he stuffing money into investments to pay off the mortgage next month?

It's a question the OP needs to find the answer to

What the actual fuck???? Your post has made me really angry at how he treats you and his children. Why is any of that fair?? You share a house, you have children together and he pays for NOTHING. He is greedy and selfish. Get rid.

Fucking hell! I’d be rethinking my relationship and also copying his banking documents. What an utter fucker!

I've been upset over our finances situation but reading yours I really feel for you that's awful! He contributes nothing to your family st all! Like others say do you love him? If you separated he'd have to pay maintenance. My salary has dropped by 17,000 since I had my daughter my husband pays the mortgage and childcare etc I pay for her clothes toys all our Christmas and birthday presents her swimming lessons etc , our food petrol some of our furniture on finance, phone bills etc. I still find it hard to make ends meet and hexwont entertain a joint bank account. He earns 5x my salary. I feel very lost having given up my career and earning potential

Yes perfect time collect evidence. Income . National insurance no. Go to solicitors and sting him for everything you can . Does he have huge savings . Use cms calculator see how much better off you will be .

What the hell is he spending all of that free cash on?
Op, you know it's wrong. You need to address this.

OP hasn’t been back so I’m hoping she’s on the phone giving this arsehole what for...

Fuck that!!!! He staking the piss big time.He must have loads of savings!!!

Fuck that!!!! He staking the piss big time.He must have loads of savings!!!

This can't be real.

Oh. My. God. He makes my freeloading stbxdh look like a saint!!

....ltb.

I'm actually shocked. This is genuinely one of the worst things I have read here. Your marriage is over.

He must have gathered a massive amount of savings or lived an extremely lavish lifestyle. Or is hiding a second family.

Gather evidence of his savings. You are married so in a divorce will be split. Or ideally try to get access now.

Take comfort that you know you can live on your wage. His maintenance will make you comfortable.

I would love to know how he justifies paying no bills. This seems abnormal.

Omg op. No. Just no. He needs to pay his wage into the bills account and you can nicely transfer him some spending money back. What a nob. What an utter selfish excuse.

Go see the solicitor and get legal advice. Start getting things organised. Make plans.

Perhaps that will snap him out of it. But it probably won't. In which case, you've got legal advice and plans.

Struggling to believe this is actually real