Husband and prostitute

[MrsGaslighted]

I've been with my perfect husband 25 years. Really wish I'd seen mumsnet 8 months ago, before I saw the text on his phone arranging an appointment with a hooker, and had not shown my hand. I confronted him straight away and was told he was never going to go through with it. I now know about 'the script'
I have done a hell of a lot of digging since but he has outright denied everything. I have so much circumstantial evidence but can't prove a bloody thing and I think I am going mad!!

Rooting for you OP

Just found this thread.
What a hellish time you are going through.
Sorry the in laws turned, but the support of your family and friends is much more important

Thank you for all of your messages. After the last couple of days it really helps to read that I AM IN THE RIGHT HERE.
From those of you who have been through this nightmare, those who know what it feels like to be gaslighted, and those who are rooting for me and offers of help. Thank you all so much. I have logged in and feel so much better already.
So his mum cane round. She looked awful. They went to the hotel and finally got him to come out and see them. To cut a very long story slightly shorter, he went from refusing to speak to them about it to going back to stay at their house. She said he admitted to messaging women on the internet and meeting up with one. I asked if he told her it was a prostitute but she skirted round saying she didn't know the exact details. Well she knows now.
He has told her he's depressed, has an alcohol addiction and felt out of control with his reckless behaviour, and he wants to kill himself for what he's done.
So she is totally under the impression that her poor son has been taken over by mental health problems and addiction. She's researched rehab places and said that we need to help him so that we can get the 'real' him back. I said to her that this is the real him, and while I'm sure he's hurting like hell it was still his choice to do all of this.
Basically she is going to save him and understands I'm in pain and angry but she really hopes that when he has been fixed we can work through it.
Fuck that.
I don't really know what to do next. The problem is we all seem to be at stand off. He hasn't spoken to the kids and they haven't messaged him. The more time goes on the harder it will get. I've asked his mum to tell him that he needs to contact them.
I don't want to go back to work with his family, I've told them I want another week off. Guess I'll be looking for another job.
My mum has arranged 3 solicitor appointments for next week. And I have done nothing about getting an sti check, stupid as I know I have to.
Sorry for the massive update!

Aah, that old chestnut!

I don’t doubt that he does NOW feel depressed, but he didn’t previously try and get any help for that nor the alcohol issues.

They are amazing to the degrees they will avoid any sense of responsibility for their actions! So now he wants his ‘mummy’ to fix him....

Good idea to having another week off and don’t feel daft for not having done something’s yet- it will feel so overwhelming to you still.

Maybe set yourself one thing to do each day, so that you keep some sense of control through these days to come.

Most of all, my advice would be NOT to listen to any of his explanations- whoever they are coming through.

and on your behalf OP

Oh god, he's playing the victim, bloody typical. "Poor me, I am such stress and have addiction issues and hate myself." That sounds very familiar.
I cannot believe he has not contacted the children, that is terrible. How are they doing?
I have been thinking about you loads these last few days, hoping you were doing ok.

Today a friend confided in me that her h has been using escorts and she has found loads of evidence!
The frightening thing is that yet again, he was one those 'great husband' types, well respected, decent. Pah!
I wonder how many other men we all know and respect are doing the same? This last year really has opened my eyes to things I would rather not have seem.

she is totally under the impression that her poor son has been taken over by mental health problems and addiction

Only to be expected I'm afraid; naturally he'll play the victim and she'll rather go along with it than confront the reality. He could of course have confided any genuine illness in you and I'm quite certain you'd have helped, which just shows what a load of self-serving bulls**t he's talking - especially as, given half a chance, he'd certainly use "the illness" as a get-out clause for future cheating

Since this is complicated by you working for the family, I'd watch out for unpleasantness when they realise you're not going to come to heel with their narrative. They might even try to blame you because "your lack of sympathy with his terrible illness drove him to it", so all in all looking for something else definitely sounds wise

In the meantime I'd be seeing a solicitor to thrash out your position - and of course getting that STI check booked. If it's any help, please believe me that this nothing like the horror you're no doubt imagining. IME the staff, who sadly see this all the time, have the highest levels of empathy and compassion, and apart from a few embarrassing questions it's honestly no worse than going for a smear

www.letsgetchecked.com
Recommend this website

It was always going to be that way though. She doesn't want her illusions shattered so will go along with it. I'd be wary of her putting pressure on the kids saying 'your poor dad's suffering and needs your support'.

Maybe a good time to have a chat with the kids and let them know that if anyone tries to pressure them then you've got their back.

Is the family business a large one? If you want to leave make sure you do it to your financial advantage don't let them push you out the door. I would be thinking redundancy pay out at the least.

Legal advice and STI check.

What do your parents think about this latest development?

We are all rooting for you MrsG

So he was seeing a prostitute because he's addicted to alcohol ... previously at least he said he was addicted to sex. So he didn't think to see his GP, or google alcohol services or even the local wellbeing service for his depression. No, a prostitute is obviously the answer.

What a wankstain. And more fool his parents.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm sorry he cheated and you saw the uglyness of his deceit first hand. And his parents are so weak and pathetic in accepting his delusional statements.

Thank goodness the DC have you as their role model. Be strong. Be kind to yourself. One day at a time.

I'd be wary of her putting pressure on the kids saying 'your poor dad's suffering and needs your support'

Yes, that's a very timely point, Bella - in fact if things got worse they might even try to create a "we all care about him but your mum's being nasty" thing

There are reasons why people say it's important to tell kids the age-appropriate truth, and this is one of them

I think this puts you in a very difficult place with respect to what to tell your children. Yes the 21 year old needs to know the facts and then they can make their decision as to what type of relationship they want to have with their father as they are accurately informed.

If you give the 16 year old a watered down / sanitised version of the truth because of their age - you will have to decide when you will finally reveal the real truth - will that be when they are 21? Or 18, or 19 etc.

How will you spend the intervening years - will you tell the truth if you get asked a direct question - or will you fudge/minimise/sanitise? What is the risk of them being told by someone else, over hearing something etc. How would that impact your 16, 17, 18 year old. Is the risk worth taking?

What is the risk of the 16 year old turning on you for not telling the truth and allowing them to continue a relationship with someone they might not have if they had all the facts. They might feel really betrayed and very angry with you.

I am not judging what you should do but you will need to think it all the way through.

Don't be angry with the IL - but detach and expect zero support and understanding. Expect them to become "flying monkeys" - running to you with stories of "a crisis", of "severe ill health" that will emerge just to reel you and your children back in. They will be false (IL might not relaise tho).

Remember this man has spent a lifetime leading a secret life, he is used to lying, manipulating, hiding and scheming - that is why it has taken so long for you to find out.

Oh yes, of course when you confronted him all that time ago he couldn’t have got help then could he?? He has to wait until he got caught to work on this?! Honestly they just want to believe anything he tells them rather than face up to him being disgusting.
So sorry he hasn’t contacted the children but you’ve (again!) done the absolute right thing in suggesting to mil that he make contact.

Just read update OP. Thank goodness you're still seeing it for exactly what it is and haven't been taken in by this bullshit!

Tell the kids the truth - even your 16year old. They're old enough to know what exactly has been going on and no way do you want to have THEM sucked in by the bullshit either.

And honestly if this happened to MY mum I'd be gutted not to have a fact base on which to work with.

You're doing Amazing xx

another20 and Manda
The OP decided to tell her children that their father cheated on her and that if they want to know more she will answer their questions truthfully.
So I don’t think it’s particularly helpful at this point to insist on her telling them the whole truth. She has decided to tell if they ask. Which sounds sensible to me but even if I disagreed, they’re her children and it’s her decision.

It is worrying that he hasn’t spoken to them at all. He really is a cowardly shit isn’t he?!

OP I think all you can do is continue to reassure them that you’re there for them and they can talk to you if they want to.

Oh OP,

You truly are an amazing woman to be going through this with so much grace and for being so compassionate towards your children and giving them the opportunity to ask what they need to at their own pace. I cannot begin to imagine how you must be feeling and I can only hope you will be kind to yourself and remember that at no point has any of this been your fault.

I hope to God that your in laws realise that yes your husband is their son, but he is responsible for what he did. He drove you to go through one of the worst things a spouse could experience in order to prove you weren't going mad before hiding like an absolute coward from the consequences. It would be beyond cruel to put pressure on you or your children to forgive him. I mean the very fact that one of his children had already had suspicions about the neighbour and immediately jumped to that conclusion should be enough to make them back off in light of all other facts.

Sending you many Internet hugs and much love

AnotherEmma No one has "insisted" that the OP do anything - in fact quite the opposite. My post was to consider carefully how she can hold her approach over the longer term and also responds to the dilemma she has expressed frequently such as:

"I think it is good advice to tell my kids the truth. I really don't want to but they will feel like I've lied if they find out. Sun 01-Jul-18 10:04:54"

"I replied that I will be telling everyone that we are getting divorced because he paid for sex with a prostitute. He said I would be beyond cruel if I put the kids through that!!"

"Mine aren't small, they are 16 and 21. I Don't want to tell them but I know it will come out somewhere along the line so I'd rather they hear it from me."

"I told the kids that we have separated because their dad has done something that I cannot forgive. I said that I would not keep anything from them but it is entirely up to them how much they want to know. My daughter asked if he cheated and I said yes. So they know he has been unfaithful. I said that he is not in a relationship with the person as it wasn't that sort of cheating."

"I think not telling the kids it was a prostitute was probably good advice."

"If they choose to ask me for more details then I won't keep it from them. But it just didn't feel right to tell them straight away."

This is not a static situation or a closed communication - in that I doubt that this initial announcement will be the only time that this is ever discussed with the children. The OP's main focus is the impact on her children, this will evolve over time - some information/communication she can control and other she cannot - so she needs to think ahead as to how she will manage this.

Bless you MrsG. Whilst it's imperative that you do get checked out at a STI clinic don't be pressured into doing things to others timescale!
As for the in laws, well to be honest it's in their interest to minimise the situation. They will be eager to try and get the family 'back together'! This happened in my family. My grandmother believed my father despite the truth eventually coming out but we're certain that she just wanted everything to go back to 'normal'. As far as I know she never apologised to my DM for not believing the real truth!
Take one day at a time,baby steps all the way and be extra kind to yourself.

I feel for you so much OP, and can understand why you don’t know where to turn. Do talks your time, and it will become clearer with what you need to to.
Also I do think it is understandable where his mum is coming from. If it were my son I think I’d want to believe they weren’t the “real” them, because the reality is just too awful!

Depression doesn't make people lie. It also tends to stamp out people's libido. Similarly, people with alcohol problems make bad choices but it can also affect libido.

I understand why your In-Laws want to believe the best of their DS but accepting his version of events mean that they've let themselves in for a period of self-delusion and collusion that is good for nobody.

I hope you obtain some decent advice about your employment situation as that could be complicated from the sound of it.

-----
Today a friend confided in me that her h has been using escorts and she has found loads of evidence!
The frightening thing is that yet again, he was one those 'great husband' types, well respected, decent. Pah!
I wonder how many other men we all know and respect are doing the same?

Likewise suspect that the prevalence of this would be gut-wrenching rather dispiriting.

Re the neighbour - you could ask her about her connection with your husband, but it is unlikely that she would tell you.

However, you could just warn her about that all those who have been intimate with your husband urgently need an STD check .

(You could tell her that someone has told you that she might need to know this. )

A worry shared can sometimes be a worry halved!

I think that it isn’t about “ proof” you know what you know and he has lied and you know this. If he is even thinking about having sex with someone else it’s about how you feel about this? Are you happy to live with this going on? If not then it’s about going in hard. Don’t take any excuses, say it as it is. Tell him to lay all the crap on the table and you both can talk through it and try and work it out or his out and it’s done and you will be cutting him off. Maybe if he thinks you are not joking around he will tell you more then you have things to think about and do what you are happy with not what he wants you to be happy with.

🙄
RTFT

How are you OP?

1 - back off @AnotherEmma - this is an opinion-based forum so there's my opinion. You're very welcome of course to your own but I am too. to keep you quiet.

2 - OP, hope you're OK. You're so strong and this is horrid, but you'll come out of this absolutely fine

Hi everyone. Sorry to leave it so long to come back to you. I just crashed and haven't been able to get back up. My son is staying with his girlfriend for 2 weeks while her parents are away , and my daughter has gone camping. Without them here I haven't found a reason to even get dressed all week. I feel like I have no energy, I've read your messages thank you, even though I've not replied.
His parents have been good. They cooked a roast on Sunday and had the kids round so they could see their dad. They talked about his addictive personality, how he has made stupid decisions because of alcohol and how he needs help. All of this is true but I feel it is a very diluted version of the truth, but they all love him and if it helps them deal with what he has done then fine. I can't be arsed
The kids already know from me that there is more to it, that it's not something they necessarily need to know, but I will keep no secrets from them if they ask.
I've been really struggling this week with not knowing everything. The Instagram, WhatsApp, secret email addresses. I know I caught him in the act but my brain seems obsessed with knowing exactly what he was doing and for how long. I can't seem to switch it off. My friend will be staying for the weekend so hopefully I can get out of this slump