Husband and prostitute

[MrsGaslighted]

I've been with my perfect husband 25 years. Really wish I'd seen mumsnet 8 months ago, before I saw the text on his phone arranging an appointment with a hooker, and had not shown my hand. I confronted him straight away and was told he was never going to go through with it. I now know about 'the script'
I have done a hell of a lot of digging since but he has outright denied everything. I have so much circumstantial evidence but can't prove a bloody thing and I think I am going mad!!

Oh OP, it’s clear from your posts just how much you are suffering What a bastard to put you through this

FWIW I think you handled the conversation with your DCs perfectly. I think it shows a lot of respect and consideration towards them to say that you let them decide how much they want to know. Maybe they will ask your more questions as time goes on but they know what they need to for now.

I wonder where on earth the neighbour comment came from?! I hope your son explains what he meant when you ask him later. Depending on his answer I wonder if you could just knock on the neighbour’s door and ask them?! I suppose it depends how brave you’re feeling (fair enough if you’re not) and what your neighbour is like.

I’m not surprised your husband (can we call him STBXH yet?!) hasn’t told his parents. And I’m not surprised you couldn’t face telling them the whole story. I hope you do tell them at some point (as I doubt he will) but there’s no rush.

I’m really glad your mum is being so supportive and helping to call solicitors. Btw I think if you have initial conversations with a few it means he can’t use them

Please take care of yourself as much as you can and remember we’re all rooting for you.

Yes let's refer to him as STBXH!!
His mum has been calling but I haven't had the energy to speak to her. She sent a text saying she is worried sick as she can't get hold of him. I just checked the find my iPhone and he's still at the hotel not too far away. He obviously thinks it is a perfect little hidey hole and he won't have to face up to this shitstorm he has caused.
I've text her back and told her where she can find him.

Gosh, I’m shedding a tear for you just imagining how awful it must be to break that to the children on your own. I think you handled it perfectly, they can decide how much they want to know.
I don’t know why I am even worried about your stbxh but is it worth texting him to tell him you’ve told the children but not full details, he doesn’t deserve to feel relieved but may make him bloody face everyone and get on with it.
I’d be drinking lots of wine too, the formalities can wait a day or two

Janus I was wondering if I should tell him. Mainly so that he knows he can speak to them too. It's becoming obvious that he doesn't want to face up to any of this. The longer he takes to speak to anyone the harder it will be for him. Someone said before that he has proved himself to be a shit husband but he can still be a good dad as far as they are concerned.
Ok I've just text him and said 'I told the kids yesterday that we have separated. I told them that I will answer any questions they have honestly and DD asked if you have cheated on me so I said yes. They don't know the details and I'm not going to tell them unless they ask. I do expect you to tell your parents the whole story though'
I didn't tell him that his parents are probably headed his way right now.

Honestly op, you're handling this all do brilliantly.

What a stupid stupid shit he is.

My son asked me if it was to do with the neighbour??

Oh dear

I'm really sorry yesterday was so tough, but agree that you handled it brilliantly with the DCs. In making it clear that you're thinking of their feelings but will be honest if they want to know more, I don't see how you could have done better

There's probably not much to be done with the PILs; since they now know you've split their questioning will start the instant they reach him and frankly they'll make their own decisions on what to believe anyway. As I've said, the priority is you and the DCs - you really are what matters most and I'd keep it that way

"I do expect you to tell your parents the whole story though"

He'll probably tell them that her being a prostitute is irrelevant, that she's actually someone he knows through work, that he was "consulting a colleague" and that you've got completely the wrong end of the stick

Whether they'd buy that is anyone's guess, but I see no reason to assume he'll be any more honest with them than he has been with you

You're Incredibly strong! Even if it doesn't feel like it. he's an arse!!

I'd be wanting to know about the neighbour too, doesn't sound good that that was your ds first thought.

Stay strong

Again, I just want to say you’re wonderful and what an idiot he is to throw it all away. You are handling it all with complete dignity.

Just echoing how strong and fabulous you are OP

Hey MrsG, I am so glad you have your parents and a friend who are all ‘in the loop’ I am sure that they will prove mighty supportive in the next few weeks. You are amazing and have handled all this with such decorum and dignity. Your h is a god damned idiot.

Thinking of you

Hope you’re ok tonight, OP.

A few times you’ve mentioned taking something or drinking wine to help you sleep, just wondering if you could buy some of those herbal sleeping tablets and take them for a bit? Might ease the temptation to drink wine and then feel crap the next day.

Anyway it’s probably too late for tonight so I haven’t timed my post very well but something to consider tomorrow maybe!

If you spoke to your son tonight about the neighbour comment, hope it wasn’t too upsetting.

x

I think you handled the conversation with the DC really well.

Well done MrsG - such a strong lady! Just keep going, one day at a time and take some time for you. You're doing AMAZING!!!

Another here who just wanted to say how much I admire your strength and the way in which you're coping with this.

Thanks all. It means a lot. Yes I will look into herbal sleeping tablets as I don't want to rely on drinking to make me sleep.
I asked my son why he thought it may be the neighbour. He said that when we had Christmas drinks here for our neighbours he remembers his dad coming in from having a cigarette in the garden. The neighbour came in about a minute later, he thought it odd as she doesn't smoke.
God knows what else he was up to.

What else indeed! I hope that’s not the case though. I guess her reaction when she hears you’ve separated may give you a clue?

Just be kind to yourself and do whatever you need to get through the next few days He’s a git for sure

I see her when I'm out walking the dog quite a bit. I might just ask her outright if anything has been going on. Trollop.
When all of this business started months ago I took photos of absolutely everything on his phone. I was just looking through them and I can make sense of most of it but there is one thing I can't. It's not really important now, but there is an album in his photos on the iPhone. It has no pictures in it and is just titled A.
does anyone know if any social media things automatically make an album on your phone?

If it's an iPhone and he has backed up to laptop etc, photos could be on that device. I have an album showing my on my phone even though the actual photos aren't on the phone.

Some apps automatically create sub folders, where they auto save a copy of pics you've created via the app. For example, Instagram saves a copy of every image I post.

These sub folders are always titled the same as the app they link to, i.e. Instagram, VSCO.

...I'd suspect that a folder titled 'A' is a folder STBXH created, for purposes of sectioning off and saving images all in one place relating to one thing.

It's worth mentioning, that even when you create a separate folder and save pics there, they still show up within the iPhone's main camera roll....if that makes sense. So it's not really of any use if you're hoping to keep things tucked away or hidden.

I'm guessing you checked deleted?

You are doing well, but calling the neighbour a trollop might be a bit premature! Although I can understand you might view the whole world with suspicion, she might have had a perfectly valid reason for going into outdoor space even though she doesn’t smoke. To get some air etc. I think what I an trying to say is that when you approach the neighbour ask in a diplomatic way. She is probably perfectly innocent and you have to live next door to her! I suspect you will do that anyway and was just venting on here which is entirely understandable.

Thanks, when I asked him about the album he said he didn't know what it was and the phone must have done it. That phone certainly did a lot of stuff he didn't know about.
The neighbour is your typical mutton dressed as lamb, STBXH actually nicknamed her the trollop. She's nice enough, drinks far too much (not that I can talk at the mo) and flirts with anything in trousers. I'll just ask her and see her reaction.

your stbxh is a shit.
The neighbour thing is further proof

I’m sorry OP but your comment about his phone doing a lot of things did make me laugh. But I felt bad laughing because you’re going through such an awful time.