DP went to a strip club on a stag do, and I'm like "this is over"

[OhYikesThisIsBad]

So DP [of c.5 years] went to European resort stag do last weekend. I'll be honest: I was fretful, but assumed he has aligned views on women cavorting for men's pleasure.

For context: we're chums with bride and groom, the wedding's fairly soon. DP and I haven't seen each other til tonight, through work travel.

He announces tonight, as we begin our third drink, "yes well there was a strip club".

Apparently he and another chum "went along with everyone" and sat at the bar because they felt "uncomfortable". The groom had a dance "but paid for by someone else!". I asked: DP thinks the bride and groom should still get married.

I'm very very sad, very angry, have told him this is a no go, relationship ender, etc. I loathe strip clubs.

Dunno what i want really - possibly someone to say "no you're wrong, he's a good lad", "he only went along with the crowd". Maybe a hand hold. Is there any way back from this? I was really looking forward to this bank hol. #fuckssake

I find it breathtaking how many people - many women apparently - are prepared to bury their heads in the sand about the whole industry and happily ignoring that the head-in-the-sand attitude thwarts any attempt at dragging our society towards true equality.

There are women who agree that men should have a God-given right to leer over strippers and half-naked dancers. Because it's 'just how all men are', isn't it?

I'm assuming these attitudes are busily being handed to the next generation, because God forbid that we look at how women are treated, how attitudes towards equality and representation have so bloody far to go and how much utter bullshit we tolerate in the name of Man's Right To Stare at Tits before we say 'Enough.'

Are all red light districts gang run? I mean there's a distinction being drawn by a number of posters between strip clubs in a more regulated environment which may have more "rules" about what is allowed/expected and strip clubs in a gang-run resort.

The point being that even if you are cool with a strictly no-touching stripping environment where bouncers eject men for bad behaviour (which seems to be what some posters are describing as fine), you may well draw the line at public intercourse on stage or giving/receiving oral sex with multiple strangers. (Or you may think it's all exploitative.)

@drspouse

So, really, if you had a choice -

1. You and your H go to a swingers party and you watch him engage with other women
2. He takes his phone out, and watches a video while pleasing himself

You’ll chose 1. based on your moral convictions?

If you do - you truly are unique.

No, I've said that I would prefer that he want to sleep with another consenting adult while with me than watch an exploited woman.
I wouldn't be staying with him if he did either, FTR (because I don't consent to him sleeping with anyone else), but I'd respect him as a person if he'd had (has had) multiple consenting partners when not with me. I haven't asked him if his previous partners overlapped, I assume not, but if they were all consenting and aware, it isn't my business.
Not if he'd used images of exploited women to get aroused.
How can anyone moral think that is right? And just put it in a box marked "not real because on a screen so not my business"?

I would be fuming in your shoes, but maybe you need to give him the benefit of the doubt.

He was win a group and he couldn't not go if everyone else was going. It would have been awkward and most likely he 'followed the crowd'. He was at the bar and didn't try and hide it from you did he?

But you should obviously let him know how you feel about it and make clear you don't want him to go again.

Actually the distinction I’m making and tbh I’m not a massive fan of the sex industry full stop.

There is a huge difference between some of the UK run places. There are dodgy people everywhere. However a lot of the ‘upmarket’ places people profess to have been on here. Will be very strict, very transparent rules and the girls are probably making very good money off the backs of well off men. Who is being exploited and where raises questions.

However the Eastern European especially and some med resorts are over run with Russian and Eastern European gangs trafficking women for money as drunk Brit men will pay it on stag and not care. They’ll tell the wives is just a strip and women and men will continue to defend the trade.

Personally I hate the who industry especially as I’ve seen the damage it can do. Equally I get some do go into this for money, however in the stag resorts. All you’ll find is trafficked Eastern European and Russian women. That’s a fact.

No, I've said that I would prefer that he want to sleep with another consenting adult while with me than watch an exploited woman.

drspouse is not unique. I think I feel this way too. I'm open to non-monogamy, but feel more and more disturbed about the idea of coupling up with a man who uses porn.

Personally if I were your DP I would be the one running a mile. Massive over reaction.

I worked in a strip joint as a student. Made good money. Didn't have to make 'money on the side'. Definitely wasn't trafficked , coerced or blackmailed into it. Literally had the choice between Thursday/ Friday/Saturday on tills at Tesco or Friday Eve at Strip joint.
Have no body hangups thanks to a Swedish mother - and like my weekends free. No brainier ! If men want to pay me to take my clothes off and tip me for doing it on top of my wages then bring it on.
25 of them at the club I worked. New everyone. No one forced to be there it just wasn't like that.
Had bloody fire drills and health and safety officer for gods sake .

Don't believe all you 'hear'.

There's a massive difference between being open to sexual exploration vs being okay with sexual exploitation

I mean it's basically: free and unpressured consent from equal partners y/n

How is that not obvious?

I reckon font should go and ask for the H&S drill in a Cypriot/Estonian/Czech strip club and see what she gets.

I think you will find both the Czech and Estonian strip clubs are rather closely monitored as they are in the EU.. just because something is 'forin' doesn't make it poor quality. Maybe need to broaden your rather narrow horizons !

Just for your amusement value, I willl now divulge that I work on a large law enforcement team focused on modern slavery. If you really want to know where trafficked women are - they are in grotty brothels on the south coast of Britain, Nail bars, Car washes between Latvia and Glasgow. Not Czech stag-do haunts.
You have more chance of exploiting a trafficked woman having your nails done than going to a strip bar in a Central European city.

@fontofnoknowledge
What have you done? 😳

Now the moralists-porn-strip-denouncers would have to dig deeper for other arguments.
Because it’s all about exploitation, etc, and never about pure jealousy and insecurity.

How could you. Take it back!!!!

Because it’s all about exploitation, etc, and never about pure jealousy and insecurity.

I think for most of us it is about the vomit factor tbh. I'm sure font was a lovely young stripper in a beautiful club but I'd still no longer find my husband attractive if she had ground her tits in his face for money.

Oh well isn’t that funny. I know people who work in similar industry. The only difference is, I’m not trying to justify the existence of sex workers and exploited women. Nail bars are a known issue in the UK that’s no secret. I also know people who do work in these countries.

I’m surprised working in such a sensitive job you’re willing to divulge that on MN. Of course if I were to believe you and I don’t. You’re here to justify your own industry.

People who work at the level you describe would not be discussing it on MN.

Now the moralists-porn-strip-denouncers would have to dig deeper for other arguments

Because an anonymous poster said stuff? Nah.

Because it’s all about exploitation, etc, and never about pure jealousy and insecurity

In an exceptionally crowded field, this comment is remarkably dim.

Here we go - let’s attack people who contradict our firmly held beliefs with facts....
Let’s call those facts fake news, or alternative truths....

Let’s also - suggest that they are morally corrupt - all because they said something we don’t like...

Font didn’t ‘divulge’ anything that can be considered confidential or unprofessional.

MM the grown ups are talking.

Here we go - let’s attack people who contradict our firmly held beliefs with facts....

we're on an internet forum. What someone says happened to them isn't "facts" . I could post saying that I had a crap experience as an underage girl in a seedy club in leeds where I was regularly raped (I wasn't). Are those now "facts".

Font didn't divulge anything but her opinion.

Here we go - let’s attack people who contradict our firmly held beliefs with facts

Where are these facts? What facts?

Let’s call those facts fake news, or alternative truths....

Who did? When? Again, what facts? Have you established some secret facts that we don't know about?

Let’s also - suggest that they are morally corrupt - all because they said something we don’t like..

And again, where are these comments?

Lolz love all the bitter women saying goady shite like "oh and I bet your man never watches porn either?" Just because you can't get a decent man, don't project on to us that have higher standards and expect men to see us as equal and won't have anything less.

Placemarking whilst I catch up

Can i ask you ladies how would you react if you walked in on your man having a wank, no porn mags, no vids just his dirty imagination.

Would you be offended?

Nail bars have trafficked people in them. Would you leave a partner if they had their nails done?

Just a thought.

font and if you'd said "no, don't fancy that bloke, he's creepy, I won't take off my clothes or pretend to be aroused for him"?
And if a customer decided to stalk you because they assume you're up for it?

It also still remains the fact that they were buying your faked arousal.
And doing that would be a deal breaker for me in a way that consensual sex isn't.

Beaver no, and ditto erotic fiction etc (though I might question his taste if it was some things!)
No actual people involved. If we're talking derogatory stuff I'd want to have a conversation about it.