DP went to a strip club on a stag do, and I'm like "this is over"

[OhYikesThisIsBad]

So DP [of c.5 years] went to European resort stag do last weekend. I'll be honest: I was fretful, but assumed he has aligned views on women cavorting for men's pleasure.

For context: we're chums with bride and groom, the wedding's fairly soon. DP and I haven't seen each other til tonight, through work travel.

He announces tonight, as we begin our third drink, "yes well there was a strip club".

Apparently he and another chum "went along with everyone" and sat at the bar because they felt "uncomfortable". The groom had a dance "but paid for by someone else!". I asked: DP thinks the bride and groom should still get married.

I'm very very sad, very angry, have told him this is a no go, relationship ender, etc. I loathe strip clubs.

Dunno what i want really - possibly someone to say "no you're wrong, he's a good lad", "he only went along with the crowd". Maybe a hand hold. Is there any way back from this? I was really looking forward to this bank hol. #fuckssake

Masterbuilders

Just catching up as have been spending the day practicing my pole dancing moves from 'my industry yesteryear.. To start. ..

I’m surprised working in such a sensitive job you’re willing to divulge that on MN. Of course if I were to believe you and I don’t. You’re here to justify your own industry.

If you read my post clearly you will note that I am extremely careful not to mention where I worked except to say large law enforcement team. As you assume to know the make up of Organised Crime Enforcement you will be aware that this consists of at least 20 different statutory agencies that I could name of the top of my head (I know that - why do you think ? Come on now, have a good think. 🤔 ). Multiply that by the various different units within each agency and I don't think I have been indiscreet at all. But if YOU don't know that then I guess YOU don't know much about the set up... just a thought. Perhaps you assumed I was talking about the Police. ? I may have been. Then again maybe not .

My apologies chocolatesun, the tenor of your post suggested there was.

And sorry, but those of you who continue to talk about how all this is really caused by jealousy, insecurity, etc. FFS have a word with yourselves.

You sound fucking vacuous and this is a bog standard misogynistic dismissal of women. We can't have any principles, we can't make ethical choices, we're just driven by jealousy and insecurity. It's a way of undermining women as ethical agents and white-washing men's behaviour. It's rank.

Lydia... And you telling other women they are wrong in their opinions is so much better.
But you go ahead... Dismiss their views, they are only women. No irony at all.

AuntLydia, just curious, are you single?

chocolate - just curious - why does it matter? If AL is single now but has been in 30 year marriage, If AL is on her third civil partnership, if AL is actually Melania Trump (my condolences if this is the case Aunt Lydia )

DrSpouse Font , and if you'd said "no, don't fancy that bloke, he's creepy, I won't take off my clothes or pretend to be aroused for him"?
And if a customer decided to stalk you because they assume you're up for it?

As a stripper in a club the sort of place that stag-dos frequent- there is a strict no touch policy.. 🤫 don't tell anyone.. NO ONE fancies the punters ! Fgs can you not understand it's completely devoid of emotion. Simply paid more for the amount of hours worked than Tesco . There is rarely a 'sexy' thought in the head of the average stripper. In my case , in one 'set' I did the mental shop in my head. I knew I'd done enough when I had done this three times.. my jiggling around ceases when I reached the virtual 'household cleaners'
.
As for stalking , that is a ridiculous question. People stalk people for all kinds of reasons. I have known of women stalked by their husbands and murdered. A woman who worked on the cosmetic counter of Harvey Nicks was shot by her boyfriend at work. ! Stalkers do not just hang out at strip clubs.

I think some people on here need to take a trip to a strip club and see for themselves. They are heavily regulated through out the EU. (I am talking about the ones accessible to Stag Parties). Very closely monitored for both Health of staff and safety of staff and customers.
Of course there are abused trafficked women being sexually exploited across the EU, mostly in back street brothels and 'closed door clubs' and the wealthy homes of the swisher parts of London , Rome , Moscow where SE makes up the services taken from those in domestic servitude and debt bondage.

Myrtle, it doesn’t matter. I’m just curious

Fontofnoknowledge. What nonsense, don't you know us women have principles and make ethical choices... And as long as they agree with Aunt Lydia they are the correct ones. Otherwise you are a bad bad women.
I hope you recover from your exploitation

font while obviously everyone deserves to be safe, I'm concerned that men who use strip clubs are likely to be way above and beyond your average creep plus they will think you are "up for it" meaning the women who work there are more vulnerable. I think you're being a bit disingenuous if you don't think there's a greater element of risk. If your club wasn't acknowledging that they are not exactly acting in your best interests.

And when I say "don't fancy" I did also mean "think he's odder than normal/am a bit scared of him".

Just about ! The bit that made me smile the most about this debate was the suggestion that instead of working in the Organised Crime Enforcement arena (nooooo that couldn't be true cos i is on MN ! ) I was in fact a spokesman for the sex industry! .. how we (DH and I laughed) he even offered to build me a pole 😮.. sadly the mind maybe willing but the osteoarthritis and bendyness are not as they once were .. those were the days..

drspouse my experience as a stripper was 30 yrs ago ! I don't recall the precise h&s structure but I do remember not feeling particularly vulnerable. There were bouncers (security) and anyone getting lairy was out on their ear.

AuntLydia, just curious, are you single?

ffs.

And you telling other women they are wrong in their opinions is so much better. But you go ahead... Dismiss their views, they are only women. No irony at all.

See I don't even know what you mean by this. Do you think feminists should all agree with other women on every topic? How is this to be achieved, given that women have different views on different topics?

Pallisers, sorry I missed your comment earlier

I'd say she probably has a better sex life that you do.

She must have a fucking exceptional one then.

I’ll be ok if it dries up though, due to an extensive collection of pornography.

glad for you Raisens - thanks for oversharing.

Your comment was a classic of playing the person not the ball and the old tropes of anyone who critisises the sex industry is anti sex (we already had the jellus and bitter comments so thanks for making it a bingo)

I’ll be ok if it dries up though, due to an extensive collection of pornography.

You'll be OK?

What does OK mean, in the context of needing the products of a misogynist corporate imagination just to have a wank? If you have an assumption that sexual fulfilment relies on an extensive collection of pornography, you're a marketing man's dream of a disempowered consumer.

And I use the word man advisedly.

I find it bizarre that some people consider using porn to be a sex life.

Well done AuntLydia for continuing to post so eloquently on a thread that is crawling with MRA’s!

Goodness..... some angry feminist’s on here 😗

Op, ditch your bloke and all your men friends, mates and acquaintances and get yourself a nice feminist girlfriend whose views align with your ti the micrometre.......

There are s few on here.

• yours to -

I'm still at a loss.
How is a man paying to have a woman dangle her vagina in his face any different to him having a random girl do it, and him enjoy it?
How does him doing it on a stag do make it okay or any better?
If anything it's worse! Because he feels he is entitled to it.
To all the sex workers and experts on this thread. Cool if you are okay grinding against a married man, thats your right. Doesn't make it right!
Jealousy is normal is it not? Why wouldn't a wife be jealous if her husband is out paying for his kicks while she is at home.
I just don't understand your reasoning to that.
Please enlighten me?

I ended up having to skip bits of this thread so I apologise if I've missed something vital. For what it's worth, here's my view.

YANBU to hate strip clubs and consider going to them a deal breaker for a relationship. YABU to have never made this explicitly clear to your OH. He has a right to know where the boundaries lie for his relationship. You also might have found out earlier that he didn't share values that are so important to you. However, hindsight is a wonderful thing and you can't actually change the past. What would matter to me is is attitude about it all, about the club, how you feel about them whether he can truly understand and respect your perspective in words and deeds now, etc.

I am a feminist. I have done research into the sex trade and trafficking for formal studies. I am not an expert but I know a bit about the topic. Prior to that I went to strip clubs in the U.K. a couple of times. Male friends were going and I was curious. I look back with no regrets about going to those clubs. The women didn't get completely naked, there we clear rules in place. I spoke to women in the clubs and they were generally all intelligent young women making a conscious choice - generally they were British students. I look back now and feel informed about that type of club. I wouldn't have an issue with a partner going to one for a stag do. I would never, ever have wanted to date the male friend that I went to the clubs wit though. Their attitudes to women reflected the fact they thought this type of thing was fine as a form of regular entertainment. In my opinion, it's not.

BUT I would have a huge issue with a partner going to a strip club in a destination or resort or some parts of Europe generally. While I don't have first hand experience of them, I believe they are nothing like a well-run club in the UK (and I know there are plenty of badly run clubs in the U.K. too). I would be disgusted if my partner wanted to go to a stag do where the main focus was going to these clubs. I don't know how I feel if he went to just one and just sat at the bar.

However, I do also think my partner might do/have done just that (if he went at all) . He'd sit there feeling guilty and awful and uncomfortable but not feeling he could make the evening/night about his moral values when it was someone else's stag do. Actually, he'd probably go in and then end up leaving. I believe this because I know I've been to more strip clubs in the U.K. than him 😂. He's never been to one at all (he's got to the door before on a stag do and ended up in a bar very close by) But he'd also feel that if he went on a stag do when a strip club was planned, then he'd have to accept that was part of it and if he couldn't step away without there being a fuss he'd feel stuck. He'd tell me about it though and wouldn't need me to tell him the issue. He'd be telling me the issue as he told me why he felt he had to go in. Neither of us would project our feelings onto the other couple. Their relationship, their boundaries (unless we knew for sure that the bride would be massively unhappy and was being lied to)

(His stag do involved no strippers. My hen do involved a semi- nude man. )

Thanks MsDugong for that balanced post. It really isn't either/ or there is a whole heap of nuance in between.

It's not cool wives vs frigid feminists. Both sides make valid points.

However, in a foreign country with a few pints inside me I could imaging making a shitty decision, feeling bad, drinking an over priced beer and then legging it while feeling like an idiot. I sometimes make stupid choices.

On the other hand the man might be an entitled twat who thinks he can commodity women. I don't know. The question is why were you already in a relationship with the entitled twat?