DP went to a strip club on a stag do, and I'm like "this is over"

[OhYikesThisIsBad]

So DP [of c.5 years] went to European resort stag do last weekend. I'll be honest: I was fretful, but assumed he has aligned views on women cavorting for men's pleasure.

For context: we're chums with bride and groom, the wedding's fairly soon. DP and I haven't seen each other til tonight, through work travel.

He announces tonight, as we begin our third drink, "yes well there was a strip club".

Apparently he and another chum "went along with everyone" and sat at the bar because they felt "uncomfortable". The groom had a dance "but paid for by someone else!". I asked: DP thinks the bride and groom should still get married.

I'm very very sad, very angry, have told him this is a no go, relationship ender, etc. I loathe strip clubs.

Dunno what i want really - possibly someone to say "no you're wrong, he's a good lad", "he only went along with the crowd". Maybe a hand hold. Is there any way back from this? I was really looking forward to this bank hol. #fuckssake

Can i ask you ladies how would you react if you walked in on your man having a wank, no porn mags, no vids just his dirty imagination

No . What's the relevance to the thread though?

Why is it all about men, dare I ask.
Plenty of women watch porn too.
I do.
And don’t have any sexist attitude towards women - i’d have to think of myself as somehow less than man.

But I also find it curious that so many women prefer to think that the men they are married to do not see and get attracted to other women.
And that, somehow, it matters whether those other women are on a bus, in an office, in a club, or on stage.
Having men violently verbally agree with women - that they don’t want to see attractive women, and feel uncomfortable when they do - serves no one.

In the end - people chose to be faithful or not. And it’s a daily choice.
Doesn’t matter if they end up in a strip club with a group of friends, or not.

And

Nail bars have trafficked people in them. Would you leave a partner if they had their nails done?

Is this a genuine contribution to the debate?

@SheGotBetteDavisEyes

Font was immediately called a ‘stripper’ in previous life, or a lobbyist for sex industry....
While all the posters who said - evil trafficking EE clubs - were believed w/o questionsing.

beaver, no. Not offended, aroused possibly.

But I don't understand why you'd ask such a question. What's it got to do with anything?

Unless you think all us haridans simply hate men and resent them any sexual enjoyment...??

so many women prefer to think that the men they are married to do not see and get attracted to other women

Erm. Being attracted to a woman and finding them attractive is not the same as paying to see one strip. The difference is vast.

Erm MM I hate to state the obvious. Font did admit to being an ex stripper so your point is totally irrelevant and pointless.

Font was immediately called a ‘stripper’ in previous life, or a lobbyist for sex industry....

While all the posters who said - evil trafficking EE clubs - were believed w/o questionsing

I'm not in either group, so I can't comment on what other people believe. However, you apparently believe an anonymous poster who said stuff.

Anyway, I'm not sure what the point of this is?

Why is it all about men, dare I ask.

because it is about a stag in a strip club maybe?

Have you googled either of those terms?

But I also find it curious that so many women prefer to think that the men they are married to do not see and get attracted to other women.
And that, somehow, it matters whether those other women are on a bus, in an office, in a club, or on stage.

right. So men are equally aroused standing at the bus stop by the sight of a woman they like as they are sitting in a chair at a club, half cut, while a woman sits on top of them and shoves her naked tits in their face?

Do you get out much?

The debate goes:

• we are all sexually liberated.
• women in porn and strip clubs are often trafficked and exploited
• therefore porn strip clubs are bad - not because they are inherently sexist but because of the trafficked women.
• I am so appalled by my partner tacitly supporting trafficked women I would leave him.

Hold on I'm off to have my nails done by someone who is possibly trafficked.

Is the issue the sex or the trafficking? I'm not saying this is right or wrong I'm trying to pull apart the threads of the argument.

I have not read whole thread so sorry if some one has asked this already. But OP would you feel that your male mate should call of the wedding if female mate had seen a male stripper on her hen do?
Honestly... Would you?
Cus I think this is often over looked, that women arw just as complicit in seeing men as sexual objects for their amusement

Trafficking is bad full stop.
I’ve reported nail salons I know that use trafficked women and refuse to use them and campaign against them. Nothing to do with sex.

Yes we all know trafficking is bad. The issue is would you leave a partner if they used a nail bar with trafficked people in it?

Is this crux of the issue sex or morality in relation to trafficking?

If it's about trafficking I can see the point if it's about sex - not so much.

theredjellybean

Obviously it varies but in my experience more men do this than women.

Also women would have to arrange in advance to do this and it would never be ad hoc; men can walk off the street while out drinking into a strip/lap dancing club with no planning in any major city and many tourist resorts.

2nd also - male strip shows tend to be public/on stage - with any contact inf ront of everyone, whereas lap dancing/strip clubs, private dances etc. involve secluded, personal/one on one contact .... and as has been pointed out on this thread already; European ones are often brothels. Even UK ones sometimes cross over into prostitution (not that some people wouldn't consider lap dancing prostitution anyway).

All we know for sure is that the OP’s bf went to a strip club.

• No one knows if it’s a regulated, OR unregulated one
• No one knows if women there were trafficked OR not
• No one knows if the private dance allowed any touching
• No one knows if the said Bf sat at the bar as he said OR not

However - most people on here have very strong opinions about ‘those’ places and ‘those’ men.
Strip-club-goers-and-porn-watchers

(Interestingly - seems to be Ok to be a female one who doesn’t mind strip clubs and occasionally watches porn - yey)

MN is an interesting parallel universe. Where women are married to those rare men, those unicorns.
Or, maybe they are just the wise ones, who know where to pick battles and where to be quiet.

Depends on where your morals lie. If my husband ‘used’ a trafficked person it would be curtains. Be it cooking, cleaning or whatever.

If he paid to fuck a trafficked person or get a sexual response from a person.
As is the case in EE countries. It would equally be curtains.

Luckily there are some sound men out there that even over a decade and a half you still don’t have those shitty dilemmas.

I get why you're annoyed.

Who celebrates finding and marrying their soul mate, by getting off on having some random woman grind on their dick, while they bury their head in her tits? Because they pay for it, it's not cheating? So if a random woman in a bar gave them a free lapdance, or sat on their knee and nuzzled their neck, you'd all be okay with it?

Surely if you want other women to turn uou on and get you off, you should stay single? Marriage is commiting to one person sexually, as much as any other way? Unless it's an open marriage.

I also don't get why guys buy this service for each other, and push each other into it? Or the whole "pussy whipped" or "under the thumb" shit when certain men show respect or consideration for their partner. Is it a misogynistic thing, a fear the female partner is stepping out of line? And they feel for their mates sake she must be put back in her place? He'll do what he likes and you'll keep your mouth shut?

MN is an interesting parallel universe. Where women are married to those rare men, those unicorns

What rare men? Do you mean ones that don't want to go to strip clubs? Do you honestly think they don't exist?

It’s ok to be upset but it would take an awful lot for me to end a relationship with someone I love. It is healthy for you and your partner to have different opinions. Your reaction seems pretty ott.

Op I wouldn't end things with your partner, make it clear you find him being in a strip club a turn off, and it makes you look at him in a different, creepier, light. Or however it makes you feel. I haven't rtft, but I hope the bride knows, she might not care a jot, but she deserves the truth, so she can make her own mind up.

Where women are married to those rare men, those unicorns.

men who don't go to strip clubs are unicorns? (you do understand that means they don't exist? You do know that unicorns don't exist - right?)

It always amazes me how people live their lives and tell themselves other people are putting up with the same shit they are ... but they are not.

I also find it curious that so many women prefer to think that the men they are married to do not see and get attracted to other women.
And that, somehow, it matters whether those other women are on a bus, in an office, in a club, or on stage.

You have no idea how thick you are coming across.

All women know that the men they live with are attracted to other women, just as all men (if they aren't control freaks) know that the women they live with are atttracted to other men.

But being attracted to other people has literally nothing to do with whether you objectify them, whether you sexually exploit them or whether you go to strip clubs.

And yes, it does matter if you see them at a bus stop or a strip club. Because one is a morally neutral place, while the other isn't.

Well said AskAuntLydia.

It’s ok to be upset but it would take an awful lot for me to end a relationship with someone I love.

You know what, I'd stop loving someone who did something I found morally unacceptable.

Has anyone read "In the Name of Love" by Jill Tweedie? Every teenage girl / young woman needs to read it. She talks about the construction of love and romance. What has stuck with me after 30 years, is all the christian, kind, moral, ethical women she described who were married to concentration camp guards/ commanders and steadfastly refused to really genuinely look at what their husbands were doing to survive the war and really recognise what they were. They closed their eyes to it, they pretended it wasn't happening and they carried on loving.

Fuck that.

Women need permission to stop loving men who see us as sub-human. I gave myself permission years ago. You've no idea how free-ing it is. It's better to be single than to have to hide from yourself.

Oh, Lydia...
Let’s be personal and use descriptive adjectives.

So - let’s try this scenario -
A man sees a young woman on a bus. Her dress is tight and her nipples are erect. He comes home aroused and masturbates thinking about that woman.... While his W is making dinner...

Let’s all pretend that if the W knew that - that she’d see that as a different scenario to him ogling some one at a strip club.
Because this scenario isn’t paying money, isn’t objectifying.

Yes. This is how it works.
In what world?

And before you all attack me for saying men shouldn’t see women on the street as sexual objects. They do - it’s inhumane to not notice beautiful people on the streets. And summer attire does make it all more alluring.