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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh sent me a photo by mistake.

1000 replies

CoatsProtectionLeague · 24/05/2018 09:19

It’s really rattled me.

He sent a bunch of photos that all made sense in relation to a big purchase we’re considering- this other photo was completely random.

I sent a text back saying- I’m quite sure you didn’t mean to send this photo to me.

When he came back from work he was very defensive and said there was nothing inappropriate/sexual about the photo and that I was being unreasonable.

I have a very strange gut instinct that I cannot shake off. We almost split up 5 years ago when he was trying to persue someone on social media/sexting. We got over that and decided our marriage was worth saving on the proviso he did it again he was out-instantly.

Something’s not right.

Where do I go from here experts?

OP posts:
ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 24/05/2018 12:26

Whatever his "explanations" are, I think he needs to be aware that his behaviour (locking his phone, obsessive wiping of history, odd bath selfies Confused) is making you feel insecure and doubtful.

That needs to change. If you put your head in the sand over the warning signs here, your self esteem will end up on the floor and he'll continue to lead you a merry dance.

Huskylover1 · 24/05/2018 12:29

I cannot honestly think of a single innocent reason to take a photo of oneself in the bath. Can anyone?

Nope.

Taking a bath photo of yourself...for your own self to look at later....would just be bizarre. Unless he is starting a new fitness regime, and wants to track his 6 pack or something....even then the photo would not be in the bath, it would be in sports gear in the mirror.

So, it was taken for someone else. Who?

cornishstripes · 24/05/2018 12:29

if you accidentally take photos though (dc do it all the time), it's never a clean shot, it's usually a bit of a leg or the chin.

My gut would say this is dodgy, op. Nobody innocently takes pics of themselves in the bath for innocent kicks.

Highfever · 24/05/2018 12:31

If you haven't already responded that my advice is to respond haha posing for your passport photo again ...

Then secure your assets, get copies of important documents and kick his ass to the curb when everything is in order.

Don't waste time looking for proof. He's got everything in lockdown. You know in your heart he's up to it again. Don't waste another 20 years wondering and living a half life. Move on.

A4710Rider · 24/05/2018 12:31

I cannot honestly think of a single innocent reason to take a photo of oneself in the bath. Can anyone

I did the other day, wanted to see how rough I was looking.

I was looking very rough

SlightlyJaded · 24/05/2018 12:33

OP - to be clear: You can't accidentally take a photo of yourself in the bath. the framing would be off at the very least. He needs to tell you why he took it and you need to believe him. I don't think that's going to happen.

Given his form for this, i would say it is entirely reasonable to ask him to unlock his phone/laptop in front of you and leave you alone to browse them for as long as you need. If he kicks off about 'trust', it is a smokescreen. He broke the trust once, he has done it again. Do not give him any time to clean things up (although he may have already done so) I would make the request today and tell him that his marriage is at stake.

For the record, innocent people are DESPERATE to prove their innocence. Fact. Innocent people do not want their partners worrying and being upset. Fact. Innocent people might get annoyed if being 'checked up on' became frequent and happened for no reason, but this does NOT APPLY in this case.

He has been sexting. You need to get to the bottom of it and I am really so sorry. It's shit.

squeaver · 24/05/2018 12:36

The response is the really shady detail here. If he was anything approaching a decent liar, he'd have laughed it off: "Funny story, me and the guys at work were all winding each other up/challenging ourselves to take the weirdest selfies/some other shit"

Asking your husband "why did you take a selfie in the bath?" is a perfectly reasonable thing to do. (What a weird sentence to type, btw.)

Then he could explain how he accidentally sent it to you, and shown you the context, given more explanation, or whatever.

But he did none of that.

Zaphodsotherhead · 24/05/2018 12:36

It's the fact that he's ALREADY DONE IT ONCE BEFORE and doesn't seem to find any need to reassure you that he's not doing it again.

'Picture of himself in the bath'...yeah, there's obviously an innocent explanation behind that one (sarcasm). I'd love to hear what he comes up with after a day of thinking about it.

Btw, my dog is now looking at me very oddly...

RoadToRivendell · 24/05/2018 12:37

He sounds like he's up to no good. Sorry.

Assburgers · 24/05/2018 12:42

Do you still have the photo? You can do a reverse image search to see if he’s uploaded it anywhere.

TuTru · 24/05/2018 12:43

That’s weird!
He’s being weird!
Keep your eye on him.

A4710Rider · 24/05/2018 12:47

What's weird is the lack of info from the OP.

rainbowdashflip · 24/05/2018 12:49

You are really not forthcoming with detail OP are you?

AddictedtoSnickers · 24/05/2018 12:53

If I ever accidentally received a suspicious photo like that I would ask my DH to SEE the context of the reason behind him taking it. Eg jokey thread between him and his brothers/mates. If he couldn't show me what had prompted him to take such a ridiculous photograph then.......well that would be enough 'evidence' for me.

Mxyzptlk · 24/05/2018 12:54

He responded defensively - as, given the history, he knew exactly what you meant.

Given the history, which was entirely his fault, he should have given his innocent explanation if he had one.

CaMePlaitPas · 24/05/2018 13:16

Can't think of anything less sexy than a picture of a man in a bath.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 24/05/2018 13:22

You know the score already OP, get your ducks in a row.
Don't sit back waiting, it is what it is.
We are here to support you, come back.🌸

SusanDelfino · 24/05/2018 13:32

Yeah, dirty chatting/wanking while in the bath. Gives a man less chance of the wife walking in than if he was in the bedroom doing it.

Mousefunky · 24/05/2018 13:33

My DP did send me a pic once getting out of the shower but he wasn’t attempting to be sexy, he was pulling the most hideous face and was trying to show me a spot on his neck... Grin.

Men don’t generally take selfies, not serious selfies anyway. Maybe that’s sexist of me but I just don’t know many men who do it. Teenage boys, sure... so I can’t imagine why he’d randomly think to take one in the bath of all places unless he was sending it to someone as weird innuendo. His reaction was totally on the defence as well.

I would also be worried about the level of technology security he has. My DP and I have phone pins but we know each other’s, I thought this was quite normal in long term relationships. The fact he’s done it before says a lot too... I would be worried if I were you OP.

halfwitpicker · 24/05/2018 13:35

As Paul Hollywood's sex gut aptly said, shady as fuck.

JosBoys · 24/05/2018 13:41

Maybe the bath wasn't relevant. It really depends on the context of the pic. He could be starting a keep fit regime and wants before pics. He could be styling his hair differently and wanted to see what it looked like but didn't have a mirror. He could have shaped his eyebrows. He could have spotted an odd rash and wanted to be able to zoom in on it.
Or he could be sending naked selfies to another woman.
I'd imagine you can tell a lot about his intentions from the details of the pic.

Bluntness100 · 24/05/2018 13:44

I think the op knows this wasn't innocent.not just the photo but the defensivess as well. Not wishing to deal with it or hoping it's not true due to the implications to her life is understandable. So is not wishing to discuss further on here.

This is a real person, if true, with a real marriage. It's one thing to say if you do it again you're out. It's a whole other ballgame to be facing the fact he's probably done it again and what that means in reality. He's clearly going to argue he just takes selfies in the bath for his own personal viewing or pleasure.

SandyY2K · 24/05/2018 13:47

A photo of him in the bath? Why would he take a pic of himself in the bath? Did it show his privates?

Does seem odd.

GnotherGnu · 24/05/2018 13:58

Gut instructs are rarely wrong.

If I had a pound for every time I've seen that mantra proved spectacularly wrong, I'd be very rich indeed.

OP, you just haven't given us enough information for anyone to draw any conclusions. If you actually want any opinions, as a minimum you need to be able to describe what sort of photo it is and how graphic, and what your partner's explanation is.

Petal02 · 24/05/2018 14:12

OP, you haven’t given us enough information for anyone to draw any conclusions. If you actually want any opinions, as a minimum you need to be able to describe what sort of photo it is, and how graphic, and what you’re partner’s explanation is.

My thoughts entirely. This thread is really frustrating, we can’t get any proper info out of the OP, and I’m beginning to wonder if it’s genuine or not.

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