Dh sent me a photo by mistake.

[CoatsProtectionLeague]

It’s really rattled me.

He sent a bunch of photos that all made sense in relation to a big purchase we’re considering- this other photo was completely random.

I sent a text back saying- I’m quite sure you didn’t mean to send this photo to me.

When he came back from work he was very defensive and said there was nothing inappropriate/sexual about the photo and that I was being unreasonable.

I have a very strange gut instinct that I cannot shake off. We almost split up 5 years ago when he was trying to persue someone on social media/sexting. We got over that and decided our marriage was worth saving on the proviso he did it again he was out-instantly.

Something’s not right.

Where do I go from here experts?

Coats you are phenomenal! I'm in awe of you.

Thinking of you xx

Coats I hope you're ok and staying strong.
I was thinking of you earlier and wondered if your (scumbag) DP has said anything about the missing money he had stashed away?

OP keep going you're nearly there.

Has this thread been suggested for MN Classics already? I really feel that the OP along with many other strong women have given such great advice about what to do in a situation like this.

Hope you don't mind me suggesting that OP

How you are managing to stay so strong I don't know but you are an inspiration to us all.

It's so lovely to see so many mumsnetters come together and offer advice and support. It's what it's all about.

Thinking about you, OP.

Just to say that I'm another who has been watching this thread and can't say enough how much I admire your strength and determination! You really are doing the right thing even though this must be unbelievably hard right now you are worth so much more

Thinking of you this weekend, it will be tough but you have amazing strength. I wish you well x

You are so thoughtful.

The weekends are the hardest. I think my health is having a blip but not long now.for various reasons I had to lay off doing too much this week anyway.

I just have to get through, hour by hour.

Impulse purchase today. A completely fucked up,dried up plant. It’s going in a bright spot and I’m going to trim it and look after it- and water it. Dc think it’s hilarious. It will make me so happy if I can turn it around.

I saw a friend briefly for lunch with her husband and cried when she asked how things were with H. She just held my hand and said “we know coats- we’re not stupid” I keep playing that moment over and over. I just can’t say what’s really happening. I can’t risk it.

Hugs lass. Been thinking about you and wishing you strength.

It's amazing what other people see that you don't realise they are seeing.

The amount of people who weren't surprised when I left xh for cheating really surprised me. I guess we really are the last the know.

Sending you all the strength you already have Coats. You can do this.

Thinking of you op x

I have nothing to add as you've had solid advice already. Just wanted to wish you and your DC a really happy future - you deserve it.

Nearly there 💐to the 🍂

@TwittleBee im so glad you said that ... i too was thinking this is one for classics.

@CoatsProtectionLeague strength has overwhelmed me at times . I work with women in trauma and this thread would be such inspiration for them .

You are amazing

When can you tell him you know Coats? Must be so hard day to day keeping up a front

De-lurking to say that I think Coats is going to have everyone in rl cheering from the side lines when she is ready to play her hand.
Also is it just me that feels immediately soothed when Mrs Mozart comes on a thread to say "hugs lass", like being wrapped in a fluffy blanket, feet up in front of a roaring fire with a mug of hot chocolate, just from 2 words

I love it when Mrs Mozart pops up on threads with her 'lass's'.
I always think how much I'd like her to wrap me up in a blanket in front of her no doubt roaring fire and feed me tiffin.
( I have no idea if in real life she has a roaring fire or any tiffin at her disposal but I'd like to think so)

hope you're ok coats. I knew in March I was leaving/or declaring End, but I didn't get to leave til July so don't rush it cos the audience is waiting. Timing is key.
x

Yes, Coats, take your time. It's only going to happen once. Once he knows, he knows. Sure, I'm keen for your bastard DH to get his JDs, but that's not the point.

Just a message to wish you continuing strength! I have all my fingers crossed (makes it hard to type!) that you will come out of this on the ‘front foot’, and that a little of the hindsight the rest of us have learnt and shared will have helped you.

I’m going to pick three things that stood out to me in posts over the last week:

OP you said Do you know who inspires me? All those woman who don’t put up with shite right from the get go. Women with brilliant relationships because they wouldn’t settle.

I really agree with you. Hats off to those ladies that just 'know' this stuff. Emotional intelligence I guess.

Second, I also agree with Coyoacan who said those of us who finally got out are a lot less judgmental and are better listeners and teachers. This is a really good point. Certainly in my case I am now a much wiser and empathetic teacher, manager, mentor, and parent. I also have a much improved sense for healthy and unhealthy relationships. And sometimes the lessons learnt from mistakes are the lesson best learnt. I hope there will be some silver linings for you too.

Third, I thoroughly agree with all those who have said take your time. You’ve done so well. Keep going. As you say, every hour brings you closer to your better future. You know it. And you can do it. You have an amazing ability to control your inner opinions incredibly well. So many of us would impatiently blurt out some putdown faced with his daily behavior. Amusingly it reminds me of that famous psych experiment where the psychologist gives a 4 year old a marshmallow on a plate and promises them another in 5 minutes if they don’t eat it while the psychologist leaves the room. We’re all children at heart, and it is such a strain to wait, even knowing there is a worthwhile reward.

PS be very careful who you tell in RL about your planning. You don’t really know what they think- and whether they think they should tell STBXH for whatever reason- maybe there is something in their history with their Dad or brother or bestmate or son-in-law or whomever such that they project sympathetically in your STBXH’s direction in a way that you would never expect. It was very sweet of that couple to notice your pain and difficulty- but you don’t have to explain everything that is going on, nor how you plan to handle it. And they will understand if you choose to say nothing for the time being.

Hope you’re feeling better coats and manage to get through Father’s Day unscathed