Dh sent me a photo by mistake.

[CoatsProtectionLeague]

It’s really rattled me.

He sent a bunch of photos that all made sense in relation to a big purchase we’re considering- this other photo was completely random.

I sent a text back saying- I’m quite sure you didn’t mean to send this photo to me.

When he came back from work he was very defensive and said there was nothing inappropriate/sexual about the photo and that I was being unreasonable.

I have a very strange gut instinct that I cannot shake off. We almost split up 5 years ago when he was trying to persue someone on social media/sexting. We got over that and decided our marriage was worth saving on the proviso he did it again he was out-instantly.

Something’s not right.

Where do I go from here experts?

no no no to the underwear, his solicitor will be insinuating in court later that you left only because YOU had met somebody yourself. I know it was a joky suggestion i think

I went through this years back, planning the escape. You're doing a great job. Your planning and foresight takes me back to what was, to quote @mathanxiety, the start of my better life.

I'm sure you have thought of this but buy tesco gift cards as well. They will also show up as groceries.

good move getting a new phone. I got a new sim and it really protecting me from the cycle of begging pleading calm ANGER, rinse repeat.

ps and gift cards for the hairdressers.

I wouldn't have dared because my x was too tight. He went through my credit card bill questioning everything.

Inspiring stuff Op! Hope you're feeling ok today

Could you also buy replacement electrical
Items for when yours go kaput? Would he notice? Hairdryer/straighteners/iron/kettle-can get them all in supermarket to hide the expenditure. This is stuff that you think nothing of when you can afford it, but which are fairly essential and a pain to buy when you can't. When my exh moved out the fridge almost immediately broke, closely followed by my oven which was not ideal-and a bit of a disaster at the time-but I can't see a way for you to buy those sort of things with any stealth unfortunately!

You're doing brilliantly Coats!

with the threat that he'll quit again if I go after him.

So, let him do that. You'll be very little worse off and he'll be out of a job.

He may quit to avoid child maintenance, but as soon as he starts working he has to pay, until your dc are 18 or leave fu time education. I doubt he’ll stay out of work for that long.

TheBlueDog
I see what you’re saying

All the more reason to have good plans in place and measures he knows nothing about

So, let him do that. You'll be very little worse off and he'll be out of a job

But how does that help me? Any money is better than no money and I'm not bothered with revenge, I prefer keeping my dignity.

If you go through CMS then you'll get something every month that he does work. OK nothing when he doesn't unless he signs on. His parents may be happy to give him money initially, but will they do it forever?

Purplelass, I don't see why not using CMS has anything to do with dignity? Sorry, I don't understand.

You’re entitled to half his pension pot too

Have you made copies of everything?

Wow op, I take my hat off to you! You may not feel it yourself but you are a warrior and an absolute inspiration to anyone feeling trapped/helpless.

Your children are very lucky to have such an amazing mum working so hard yet silently behind the scenes to protect them so fiercely.

You may feel like a mouse but you've got the heart of a lion and I've never felt so proud of a complete stranger! Am cheering you on every step of the way and counting down the days for you! Stay strong, you've got this.

Definitely seems you need to go for a much higher split of assets for clean break rather than claiming spousal maintenance as he's a nasty slippery git

Thinking of you OP - you're doing amazing for you and your kids.

Jux I would feel like I've stooped to his level if I do something that would mean he quits his job. I know it's his choice but I'd rather have the small amount of money he pays in my bank than face the inevitable rows that going through the CSA would lead to.

Anyway, enough derailing - I just wanted to make sure that OP didn't count on finances which may not be there if her H is as bitter as mine was...

You sound incredible!!!

Strong, measured and resilient

At least you will have a peaceful life and not controlled by scum

Let us know how it goes please

Purplelass, claiming child support thro CMS is not automatic conflict, they calculate a sum and he has the choice of paying to you directly. It takes the conflict out in that you’re not asking for the money and he’s not playing lord bountiful and holding the money over you and stopping it when he fancies as there are consequences.

If he chooses to quit his job, he is scum for abandoning his children financially.

Any RP who claims child support is not stopping to any level. They are rightfully claiming financial support for their shared child(ten).

If you don’t want to that’s up to you of course. There’s no stopping anywhere tho. I claim CMS as I know for a fact twat wouldn’t pay and he should because our children deserve to have the financial cushion it provides.

fuzzywuzzy I tried the CMS route at the start - he called me screaming at me and quit his job. Therefore I can be pretty sure it won't work a second time. Quite agree that he is scum for abandoning his child financially. I'd love to be able to receive the maintenance I should, believe me, I just know that in this case it would lead to no money and more conflict, which I don't think would do DD any good.

Purplelass I'm so sorry your ex did that.

Mine did too (not the calling and screaming I’ve changed my number), but I kept the claim open and eventually two years later he started working again and I get maintenance. I’m quite happy for him to quit working I’d love to see him destitute like he attempted to make me and my children.

Altho CMS doesn’t touch the cost of bringing up my children it helps. And I get immense satisfaction that he is forced to pay and must weep tears of blood each month.

The pain he caused us my children definitely deserve financial support from him. And whatever can be forced out of him is fine with me.

You are in for an exhausting 12 months ahead. You will probably deserve a nice summer break in 2019. Maybe somewhere like Centerparks? Lots of people book well in advance, I hear.

OP you are so badass and amazing

Yes, book Centre Parcs for all of you for his birthday/Christmas, add all the extras, bike hire, high ropes, deposit on meals etc.

Elvedon have some (expensive) lovely lake view apartments.

You can then take a friend in his place!

Excellent idea for a prepaid holiday.

OP, you're great. Well done for focussing your energy on a future for you and your children, it really is admirable.

I'm sat trying to think of clever ways to stash money and plan for the future!
I think the cash back thing is a must, what an excellent idea.

Do you have access to any of his pay slips etc? I know you keep your financial things separate but evidence of his could be very useful!

Don't forget to get life-membership of things that you and the children enjoy. Zoos and wild-life parks do this. Museums sometimes do - I think either English Heritage or the Nat trust do too.