Dh sent me a photo by mistake.

[CoatsProtectionLeague]

It’s really rattled me.

He sent a bunch of photos that all made sense in relation to a big purchase we’re considering- this other photo was completely random.

I sent a text back saying- I’m quite sure you didn’t mean to send this photo to me.

When he came back from work he was very defensive and said there was nothing inappropriate/sexual about the photo and that I was being unreasonable.

I have a very strange gut instinct that I cannot shake off. We almost split up 5 years ago when he was trying to persue someone on social media/sexting. We got over that and decided our marriage was worth saving on the proviso he did it again he was out-instantly.

Something’s not right.

Where do I go from here experts?

Freda thank you for your thoughts

Yes car in my name and insurance all in my name

He’s far too busy playing the field -I take care of all admin. Tick!

And another thing- make sure Child Benefit for all the kids is in your name. Before I knew what exH was really like - and how society works - I had in my typical style filled in one CB form in my name, and one in his name.

So when we split I not only missed out on CB for one child (obvious implication), but less obviously I had a devil of a time getting child maintenance set up for both children. I don't know if it's changed now but back then - in the absence of a court order, CSA assumed that child lived with whomever received CB and that the other parent was NRP.

I also had trouble re-directing the children's mail because Royal Mail also used receipt of CB as evidence of child's residence! Again I'm not sure if that's changed now.

If you can get Child Benefit in your name, do it. If he thinks that's unfair - let him argue it later.

Paying bills buying clothes/cosmetics/haircuts/beauty treatments for yourself and kids, are all reasonable expenses.

My experience of going thro court is if the money’s spent they don’t dwell on it. You’re not siphoning millions the court ignores it. Ex drained all accounts when I divorced him, it he accidentally had his pay go into our joint account which I withdrew as I needed to feed two young children and pay bills he tried to bring it up in court nobody was interested I said it had gone into general household expenditure and nobody asked for bills or anything.

Echoing another PPs suggestion for this to be added to Classics as a checklist. Taking what's yours but no more.

@Coats - thinking good karmic thoughts for you and the journey ahead. Do self care in the meanwhile to keep the stress levels down.

Cross - post. I imagine then that CB also in your name.
Other thoughts-- Private health insurance? For you and kids? Life insurance? Critical illness cover?
Get 3 agents around to value the house - so he's not around to get in the may or refuse entry.
Maybe you want to put some bills in his name? (i.e. at least add his name; even if you don't take your name off) e.g. Council tax, utilities,

what about putting money into savings accounts for the kids events such as 18ths and cars etc, surely money for their future is normal for parents to consider xx

Don’t put his name on council tax if he leaves you get a single persons discount on council tax (I’d pay the council tax for the year tho).

ISAs (or whatever they're called now) for kids and you topped up?
Dental cover sorted for you and kids? Orthodontic cover for kids?
Musical instruments for kids? A decent piano is expensive. Electric upright with 'real' feel fits somewhere in most homes and it's great to be able to learn/play with headphones. Amazon Prime.
Make sure there has been no talk about inheritance that you expect in the near future. (Because that will have to be disclosed on legal forms as an expected asset)
Any additional training you need for your future career? (Start dropping hints). I know exH's who said they 'needed' an MBA.

The thing is - when you make financial disclosure (Form E) - you have to state honestly your assets, and expenses. If things have been set up already as expenses it is much easier to fill out the form. Rather than saying this is what I will need, you are saying this is what I already pay. By the time it gets to Court you will have been paying for it for approx 18 months ; so it will be an established outgoing. You will be able to evidence it if/as necessary.

Be careful paying council tax in advance. They will close down your joint account and set up an new single occ account in just your name and he would be able to claim a refund.

Coats - massive sympathies. He sounds absolutely awful.

Great that you're a true planner... definitely helps in these situations.

What is HE planning to do when the cash comes in - in 6 weeks time? No need to tell us but just wondering if he has 'plans' for it that he may not have divulged to you.

Be careful and very good luck (that's prob rubbish English, sorry).

Children's schooling - if it was your joint intention that children should attend a fee-paying school at some point, put money aside for that too. That "pot" mightn't "stick" during the financial proceedings but at least you'll be in a position where he has to argue for its return. In contrast, it will be practically impossible to argue for him to "give" it to the kids if he says he only ever meant it was a possibility, and says that he can't afford it.

Also if you are buying gift cards try and stock up on some that are for M&S or John lewis / Tesco / Sainsburyd then you can use them for clothes or food

Well done btw I would be furious but the long gave will be worth it.

Can you go and see a solicitor now so you can understand your position better before you tell him to piss off??

If you need big ticket electrical items, buy them through Boots and the advantage points will cover A LOT of toiletries.

Trust your gut. Given past history he should be able to understand the impact this has had on you. Defensive behaviour implies (but only implies - it's not proof) something to defend. Ask for honesty and deal with what is revealed. Given the agreement you made after last time it's not surprising he would want/need to lie. May be useful to read these -
first - www.huffingtonpost.com/elloa-atkinson/i-love-my-husband-but-heres-why-i-want-to-cheat_b_5909882.html?guccounter=1
second - goodmenproject.com/featured-content/wife-told-wants-cheat-heres-feel-gmp/

You can't "steal" your own stuff, the stuff you're moving is as much yours as his. The lawyers can say what they like and but the courts don't give a rats arse about stuff like laptops, clothes, stuff for the kids etc. They only look at income and assets.

You sound like you’re handling things brilliantly op. I’m not sure if it’s been mentioned already but saving accounts held in your dc’s names are not classed as a marital asset .

What an inspiration you are. You have given me so much to think about. I wish you all the very best, it sounds like you couldn't be any more prepared. Be kind to yourself op, you deserve all the happiness in the world!

I would buy at least two pairs of good sandals op. Also winter boots if you can get them and a new, really good raincoat. All explainable but helpful to have stored away. Q

Already done NorthernLurker. New wool coat I got for a song in the sale also some gorgeous boots - all in the unit along with winter clothes and footwear for me-stored. So much to deal next week- I’ve snuck a few days off work to beaver away.

Just a thought op put moth balls or whatever is needed to keep moths out as they may eat them clothes. Also dampness could be a problem so maybe get some silica gel sachets to put into clothing boxes (you can buy them off Amazon). Airing the unit plenty (ie open every few days, once a week at most) should prevent damage to items. Keep an eye out for ants/ mice/ spider/ fly infestations. I have never had a problem but 2 separate friends did!

Annual cinema passes for you all?
Quidoco or similar for cash back on purchases.

I’ve been lurking a while.

I think you’re incredible!

Agree with Gotitwrongagain

Set mousetraps too. You can buy ant gel that they eat and bring back to their nest to feed their larvae. Spread some around.

Do you have AA coverage Coats? You don't want to have to summon exH for help if you are in need of a tyre change or a jump start in some remote car park or at the side of the motorway.

Your attention to detail is an inspiration Coats. I feel that you are going to be ok in the long run, but so sorry you are having to do all of this now.

New passports cost a lot, so check they are not due to be replaced soon.
Are your tyres getting worn ? replace
MOT
New school clothes for next year
Swimming pool pass
New bikes, New phone, New computer, (keep old ones for DC)
Well Done Coats you are a a legend.

I think the spa membership for a year is inspired - well done you. I know we are all saying it but it's true - you are doing such a good job at holding everything together and all your planning - please recognise what you would see in someone else - that you are strong and amazing