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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh sent me a photo by mistake.

1000 replies

CoatsProtectionLeague · 24/05/2018 09:19

It’s really rattled me.

He sent a bunch of photos that all made sense in relation to a big purchase we’re considering- this other photo was completely random.

I sent a text back saying- I’m quite sure you didn’t mean to send this photo to me.

When he came back from work he was very defensive and said there was nothing inappropriate/sexual about the photo and that I was being unreasonable.

I have a very strange gut instinct that I cannot shake off. We almost split up 5 years ago when he was trying to persue someone on social media/sexting. We got over that and decided our marriage was worth saving on the proviso he did it again he was out-instantly.

Something’s not right.

Where do I go from here experts?

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 30/05/2018 12:43

Seems like you've hit the ground running this morning, Coats! Excellent Grin

He really is not going to know what hit him when you unleash everything on him, is he. I'm so glad you've got a friend to stand with you when you tell him because not only will that protect you, but your H will either make a total arse of himself or have to keep it right in, either of which reaction will probably have you gleefully hugging yourself!

Keep on keeping on, you're going great guns! ThanksWine

FresasAndFrambuesas · 30/05/2018 13:20

I'm a latecomer but wanted to tell you ou're doing so well holding it together, just keep going, you can do this.

Also I really hate to say this, but you really should go get an STD test done. Go to a GUM (genitourinary medicine) clinic if you don't want anyone to see you at the GP. They usually have drop in hours.

Original poster
CoatsProtectionLeague · 30/05/2018 13:42

Fresas

All in good time. Yes it’s on the list but I just cannot face it right now.

OP posts:
girlwithadragontattoo · 30/05/2018 15:03

Just read this from the beginning op. I’m in admiration at how ‘together’ your managing to compose yourself.
I hope you take him to the cleaners! I’d love to be a fly on the wall when you finally tell him. You deserve so much better then that! I hope for the next 6 weeks you can keep it together and show him just how strong you actually are. What a prick

Original poster
CoatsProtectionLeague · 30/05/2018 15:31

@girlwiththedragontattoo- thank you, that’s very kind.

Having had a bit of time to myself I decided to declutter and bin a load of kid crap that no longer fits etc and with H’s running gear (which I never touch) I found an envelope with almost £600 in it- why would he be hiding money one would wonder.

I have taken out £200 and replaced everything as it was.

Let the gaslighting begin. (Tongue is firmly in cheek)

OP posts:
Ipdipme · 30/05/2018 15:36

I’d have taken it all and played super dumb if he asked.

Not that he would as then he’d have to explain holding £600 cash.

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/05/2018 15:36

I would take it all and watch as he tries to look for it without actually looking like he is looking for it :o

FizzyGreenWater · 30/05/2018 15:39

Coats you are doing amazingly.

Your plan of having your friend there is brilliant.

I think the hiding money tells you only too clearly just how deceitful he will be when it comes to cash. Every new 'thing' is preparing you though, giving you more of an insight. It's all power to YOU.

However- not sure I'd take out £200. If he knows for a fact that there was £600, beyond a doubt... then he will start suspecting that you are maybe not all your actions show you to be... and you don't want that. You don't want to put him on his guard. You don't want his antennae up with regard to that payout coming.

I'd take the whole envelope Grin

That's a. more believable and b. more cash for you.

He will go nuts searching and one envelope - yes, it's possible that he has thrown it out, or you have by mistake, or the kids... if it's one unremarkable envelope then he might suspect you but common sense will tell him that he has more than likely fucked up and lost it. Dropped out of clothes. In a different bag to the one he thought. Etc...

Take the whole thing I say. He can NEVER prove you took it.

springydaff · 30/05/2018 15:39

£200?? All of it, surely!

He's hardly going to say to you "have you seen my £600", is he.

BTW, you are magnificent 👑

ohfourfoxache · 30/05/2018 15:47

Coats this thread should be put into classics - as a perfect example of how to maintain calm and dignity whist going through hell and planning your escape. You’re a shining example Thanks

Keep doing what you’re doing, we’re all behind you x

MiggledyHiggins · 30/05/2018 15:50

Take all of the money. Burn the envelope. That way he will think he's lost it and can't risk asking you if you've seen it either.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 30/05/2018 15:50

Another vote for taking all £600 and getting rid of the envelope. Do it!

MrMeSeeks · 30/05/2018 16:04

I’d have taken it all.
Let him try to ask you.

Zaphodsotherhead · 30/05/2018 16:06

I would take and destroy the whole envelope, but hang on to the money.

See if he admits to it. If he does, by any chance (maybe say that he'd taken the money out to buy you a present or something) then you can hand it over, say you'd found it whilst clearing up and weren't sure whose it was or something. If he doesn't mention it, you know it was dodgy.

If you have the £200, he'll know you found it, know you took the money and then he'll know you know. Iyswim.

woder · 30/05/2018 16:07

I would take the £600 too, if he asks if you've seen an envelope, tell him no.

Boredbeforeievenbegan · 30/05/2018 16:09

Op I am in awe of you, just shows how right our instincts usually are!

datingdisaster41 · 30/05/2018 16:13

I definitely think you should either put the money back or take whole thing. You really don't want him to get wind of the fact that you're suspicious as he's clearly a sneaky sod. I'm following this thread all the way and rooting for you Coats x

HouseworkIsASin10 · 30/05/2018 16:15

Yes take it all. It's easier to lose an envelope than to lose 2/3rd's of the contents.

stayathomegardener · 30/05/2018 16:17

Whole envelope and this face Halo when he asks.

You are nailing this!

ProudThrilledHappy · 30/05/2018 16:22

Op having read the whole thread I think you are epic, and wish you all the best

I also agree the whole envelope being gone would be better, it is easier to lose a whole envelope than some of the contents Wink

That envelope wants a tour of your storage unit anyway. Think of it as fair return for the tour your “friend” was given

Rozzzzzalmost35 · 30/05/2018 16:32

I just wanted to add I used to work with a whole bunch of married men who behaved like this and they had no intention of changing so you are well rid xx

Cornishclio · 30/05/2018 16:37

Have you got some legal advice re finances and house? I think I would be tempted to ask him to leave ASAP rather than wait the 6 weeks. It will take a long time to sort out finances anyway. I would open a sole account anyway ready for when you split. Do you work or are you a SAHM?

StrugglingMumma · 30/05/2018 16:39

I would have taken all £600 and played dumb

Original poster
CoatsProtectionLeague · 30/05/2018 16:40

Edit:

All money and envelope taken.

Will put it in the unit tomorrow.

Thank you.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 30/05/2018 16:46

Oh OP I cannot tell you how much you taking that £600 has made me smile. Oh he's going to be tying himself in knots about that and no mistake. He will very soon be finding out that you are not the mug he takes you for

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