When will he propose?

[Frenchintheuk]

Hi everyone!

I am French, I live in the uk for a few years and am in a relationship with my partner for 4 years now. We have a beautiful baby girl since last summer.

I never really thought about getting married by the past but everything changed when I had my daughter, I started to feel the urge to do things properly.

My boyfriend has been married before, quoting his words, his ex was “crazy and controlling”, he decided to leave her, went back to his parents and they stayed separated for 2 years before getting a divorce.
Long before we had our child he asked me what were my thoughts about marriage and I told him it wasn’t necessary for me, he simply said ok and we never talked about it again. Everything was fine until I gave birth to our daughter and realised I actually wanted to get married. I naively started to talk about friends getting married, posted wedding stuff on my Pinterest, etc. thinking he would notice it... So when my birthday arrived in September I thought he would propose (also, we were going to his friends’ wedding that day!) but he didn’t and instead he asked me if I wanted a printer for my birthday?!!! (to help with my work) Imagine my face... He noticed something was wrong but I wasn’t ready to talk about it and kept a fake smile on my face all day long at his friends’ wedding and the next few days, looking happy and excited with my new printer.

A few weeks later during an argument he told me he suspected I resented him, I exploded and yelled “I wanted you to propose and you offered me a printer!” he answered absolutely nothing, he looked confused but said no word and we didn’t talk after that. Days, weeks, months passed, February arrived and I thought that it could happened for Valentine’s Day. We left the baby at my parents and went out for a couple of drinks and a nice dinner together, it was romantic but again, nothing happened. After dinner and another drink he said “let’s go home”, I was disappointed but showed nothing. A few days later he noticed I was quite depressed and we talked about it, I told him that he never said anything when I talked about getting married and I felt like he didn’t care about my feelings, he answered that he wanted it, that it was the right thing to do, that he actually thought about doing it for Valentine’s Day but it was tense between us so he didn’t (he also used the same excuse for not doing it at my birthday as I was dealing with postpartum hormones withdrawal and was “too emotional” to quote him). Whatever. I felt like he was searching for excuses, always putting me responsible, not very fair. I told him it was hard for me as I was waiting since last September and he understood.

A few weeks later, our anniversary (4 years together) was approaching I joked saying that it could be a fantastic occasion if IT could happen, wink wink! He smiled and I thought OMG it’s going to happen! It’s sure, it’s the perfect occasion and he knows I’m waiting for soooo long he cannot not do it!!!! Guess what... Two days before our anniversary I innocently asked where we wanted to go for dinner that day and he looked confused, asking “What’s on Thursday? Oh yeah, our anniversary... Well, I don’t know, do you have an idea?” I thought he was joking but no! He actually forgot and planned absolutely nothing... I started to cry and asked him “You’re not planning anything, are you?” He got angry and told me I was putting pressure on him and that yes it won’t be happening that day... I felt humiliated, I exploded asking him “Why? What game are you playing? You knew I was expecting it! Why?” He said he doesn’t have the time to plan it, that it takes time and voilà, just deal with it...

I was shocked, I felt like a piece of sh*t, stuck with a man who doesn’t care at all about what I want, about what I feel and dare use the lack of time excuse while he’s seating playing on his phone, reading and watching football with his pal as soon as he has a bit of free time. I felt completely down and alone. I told him I didn’t want it anymore, I wanted him to want it, to want me as his wife, to be excited about it, to be impatient to make it happen and instead I was with someone finding excuses and dragging his feet to do it. Later he came to talk to me, saying he understood, saying he was sorry to disappoint me and that he messed up, “I’ll make it up to you, I promise” I asked him “When? In one year? Six months?” he smirked and said “Not 6 months” and left me like that. It was last March.

Since then we went on holiday in Croatia and again I thought that maybeeee... But no. I kept my feelings inside to not put any pressure or nag him. I am very busy with our baby and don’t have much time for myself, I really suffer about it but do my best to keep a happy face and do everything in the house and for them.

I see him weeks after weeks spending his weekends in his books, on his phone or seeing his friend and I can’t help to think that he’s not planning anything. I don’t see him going out in his own in town (to jewellery shops for example) or planning a date night together by asking his parents to look after the baby so unless he’s very good at hiding, nothing will happen soon.

My only theory is that he waits for a specific date, our daughter first birthday in July or my birthday in September, which would ruin his “it won’t take 6 months” promise. It’s starting to turn me off.

Should I still expect something?

My goodness! What century are we in?
If you want to get married you can ask him! There is no law saying the man has to do the proposing. Why on earth are you giving him all the power/responsibility about this?
Then you will have your answer and all the drama in your life will stop.

I really do think you should end this relationship, because it's dreadfully unhealthy. I won't repeat all the stuff I said about his misogyny, selfishness and unkindness though I stand by it - but you might want to think about why you are behaving the way you are. Why are you so desperate, not only to marry him (which is sensible enough in itself, given the legal position and your finances) but for him to be 'romantic' when that's clearly not the type of person he is? Why are you so obedient and compliant? Were you taught that women must obey and please men, in order to be rewarded by marriage?

Would you really want him to propose because he's been bullied into it or does it for an wpeasy life?

Marriage is about love and commitment, you seem to want the fancy proposal and big day.

I suggest you take matters into your own hands ...plan a meal in or out buy him something like cufflinks or a tie pin (!?) Get down on bended knee if you want to ....and don't forget to ask his parents' permission first.
💞

My husband told me he would propose before the end of x year... it came and went and so did every other significant date, day and weekend away until one morning he proposed. No ring, nothing romantic, he just proposed.

Why not ask him to marry you?

@BoxsetsAndPopcorn I don't want anything fancy, extravagant or expensive! He was worried of that when we first talked about it but I reassured him that I wanted something very very simple, even just the two of just at the city hall and a party at home with our close family and friends, that's all. I even said I was ok to forget about the proposal thing if it was too much pressure and simply get married because it's the most important and he laughed saying that I would resent him forever if we were doing that which is complete false! I tried to adapt myself, put things in perspective, make efforts for both of us to be ok with the plans and he's still blaming me. I feel like he's putting pressure on himself thinking I expect crazy things which I am not and use it against me. Sorry if I sound like I am sorry for myself but all of this situation doesn't make any sense. He wants to do it, traditionally speaking, he wants to propose but he does nothing about it and it's not a money problem of time planning. It's just not in his mind, not a priority at all.

Propose to him. Then you'll have your answer. He's using excuse after excuse.

@Granville72 I asked him to give me an idea about the time and I asked "One year?" he laughed and said no so I asked "Ok, 6 months then?" and he said "not 6 months, it won't happen in 6 months, it won't take 6 months". That's it. He's unfortunately very good at dragging his feet for any single thing he has to do and move is arse at the last minute.

It's been suggested that you propose to him a few times . Why don't you ?

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy They broke up because "she was crazy and controlling, always complaining, manipulative and she didn't like his friends, his family and managed what he could do and could see his family and friends, blah blah blah" these are his words. I don't know her point of view but I know she said bullsh*t about him and us when she found out we were dating and she stalked us.

"Would you be happy to continue the relationship without getting married, or is it now a deal-breaker?"

Honesty I don't know, we still have to talk as he said yesterday but he apparently didn't find the time yet as he worked all night and all day today. We simply exchanged a few words, being polite and talking about the baby, no affection at all.

@Ophelialovescats Because he doesn't want! He has this pride and I can say at 100% that he would resent me for making him feel like sh*t because he didn't do things properly or didn't have the balls to go for it.

He's stringing you along. And the 'He wants to propose because it's traditional' is a cop out. You have a child together, so he obviously picks and chooses which traditions suit him.

He has no intention of marrying you. You are his 'will do for now' partner - and at the same time, it sounds pretty certain that he is enjoying your desperation and unhappiness, and will keep on stoking it up at every opportunity. He's a shit.

You're an adult. Sit down and have a conversation about your relationship and what you want in the future. Posting pictures on Pinterest etc is a childish way to go about hinting at a proposal & your oh probably didn't even notice it.

This is the twenty first century, women have equality with men and don't sit around hoping someone will propose to them. As a couple make the choice to get married, or not.

I feel like he's putting pressure on himself thinking I expect crazy things which I am not and use it against me.

Nope, sorry, that's not what's happening. The whole "you'd resent me for not doing it properly" thing is just another excuse to fob you off when you try and cut through his shit. The problem is, you're not that thick. So when he says "I have no time to plan a proposal" you say "but you have loads of time, you spend all evening playing on your phone?" When he says "but you want a fancy wedding" you say "no I don't, I've said that lots of times." He's playing a game with you but you keep not playing by the rules. Which is a good thing! Keep not playing his stupid games. Hold his feet to the fire until he gives you a straight answer.

But I'm sorry to say that sooner or later that straight answer will be "I think we should break up" and the reason he'll give his next victim will almost certainly be "she was so controlling". That's asshole speak for "wouldn't let me push her around/ called me out on my bullshit".

You don't appear to communicate as equals .
Best forget about marriage altogether and concentrate on developing your self respect first .

No conversation tonight. I was on the phone with my parents, they talk a lot. After that, he did the washing up and went to bed. "Goodnight".

The atmosphere is freezing cold. Yesterday after the scrapbook story he told me he was disappointed "I am not angry, I am disappointed". He said we'd talk later (had one of his friends at home for dinner) but we never did as he had to work until very late. Same today, he worked all day, went to the gym then this.

I am hopeless. Being left like that makes me want to put an end to this relationship, I am so done. And I think of my baby girl and I have no idea what's going to happen.

And yes I know I could have told me "don't go to bed we need to talk" but he'd bark at me that he's tired like he already did so many times by the past. I don't want to feel like a piece of sh*t again tonight.

You can only conclude he doesn’t want to marry you. So that is what you have to deal with.

I do think you were wrong to change your mind and not speak about it with him before going nuts at him but since then he’s had plenty of time to propose if he wanted to.

Unless you’re financially vulnerable you need to let go of the marriage idea. It won’t feel right if you push it now as it’s lost any kind of romance about it.

It sounds like it’s got to the stage of being cruel on his part. He knows what you want. He should be man enough to either propose or let you know he doesn’t want to marry you.

Sorry French but he doesn't want to marry you.

I don't get why you're still waiting for a proposal. That ship has sailed. if you both claim to plan to get married then you're engaged already. If you still want the unpleasant toad set a date and let him know where to go.*

• pun intended

He doesn't even like you very much, so why would you want to marry him? Honestly, he sounds nastier with every post you make. Start looking into ways of getting out of the relationship - unfortunately, you may not be able to move back to France with the baby without his permission, but you can move into a new home with DD and build a new life for the two of you.

Good Heavens, when will you open your eyes and see the truth?

He doesn't want to marry you. If he did, once you said you'd changed your mind about marriage he'd have asked you then and there.

He's got more excuses than Carter has pills.

Don't you feel embarrassed op?

Giving him this power over you?

Like a master and a dog?

You are tiptoeing around him, trying not to upset him and if you act like a dog: cowtowing and obedient so that he might just give you a bone?

For goodness sake take control of your life. Be a good role model to your child.

Why are you obsessing about trying to force him to marry you when he's so emotionally distant and cruel to you?

You HAVE to find the strength to get your dignity back!

Begging, pleading, nagging is really very off putting to a man. He will find those characteristics deeply unattractive.

By adopting worryingly needy, desperate behaviour is like emotionally blackmailing him into marrying you.

Just stop it. Stop emabarrassing him and yourself.

Find a man who WANTS to marry you; a man who worships the ground you walk on; one who puts you on a pedestal; one who can't wait for you to be his wife; one who CARES about what you think; one who loves you as an equal; one who WANTS to make you happy: one who WANTS to care for you.

Think about it.

Ah OP, that sounds rubbish to live with.

Reanimated's post at 13.37 pretty much describes my relationship ...stretched out over 15 years. Including a wedding.

And what you say OP "What worries me is that he tends to drag his feet for everything and we always end up doing on his terms: moving house, make a baby, plan weekends, etc." Was exactly what my husband was like too. It is so demoralising when everything happens that way....and resentment builds?

The marriage had become important I think because I knew the relationship wasn't right. It might be different for you but I had a strong sense of not being good enough to marry. I was feeling very insecure and I can now see my responsibility in staying in the relationship. Unsurprisingly marriage didn't fix things.

If he were to agree to get married do you think you could feel good about it now?

I feel for you OP. It's not good at all for your self esteem to live like this.