When will he propose?

[Frenchintheuk]

Hi everyone!

I am French, I live in the uk for a few years and am in a relationship with my partner for 4 years now. We have a beautiful baby girl since last summer.

I never really thought about getting married by the past but everything changed when I had my daughter, I started to feel the urge to do things properly.

My boyfriend has been married before, quoting his words, his ex was “crazy and controlling”, he decided to leave her, went back to his parents and they stayed separated for 2 years before getting a divorce.
Long before we had our child he asked me what were my thoughts about marriage and I told him it wasn’t necessary for me, he simply said ok and we never talked about it again. Everything was fine until I gave birth to our daughter and realised I actually wanted to get married. I naively started to talk about friends getting married, posted wedding stuff on my Pinterest, etc. thinking he would notice it... So when my birthday arrived in September I thought he would propose (also, we were going to his friends’ wedding that day!) but he didn’t and instead he asked me if I wanted a printer for my birthday?!!! (to help with my work) Imagine my face... He noticed something was wrong but I wasn’t ready to talk about it and kept a fake smile on my face all day long at his friends’ wedding and the next few days, looking happy and excited with my new printer.

A few weeks later during an argument he told me he suspected I resented him, I exploded and yelled “I wanted you to propose and you offered me a printer!” he answered absolutely nothing, he looked confused but said no word and we didn’t talk after that. Days, weeks, months passed, February arrived and I thought that it could happened for Valentine’s Day. We left the baby at my parents and went out for a couple of drinks and a nice dinner together, it was romantic but again, nothing happened. After dinner and another drink he said “let’s go home”, I was disappointed but showed nothing. A few days later he noticed I was quite depressed and we talked about it, I told him that he never said anything when I talked about getting married and I felt like he didn’t care about my feelings, he answered that he wanted it, that it was the right thing to do, that he actually thought about doing it for Valentine’s Day but it was tense between us so he didn’t (he also used the same excuse for not doing it at my birthday as I was dealing with postpartum hormones withdrawal and was “too emotional” to quote him). Whatever. I felt like he was searching for excuses, always putting me responsible, not very fair. I told him it was hard for me as I was waiting since last September and he understood.

A few weeks later, our anniversary (4 years together) was approaching I joked saying that it could be a fantastic occasion if IT could happen, wink wink! He smiled and I thought OMG it’s going to happen! It’s sure, it’s the perfect occasion and he knows I’m waiting for soooo long he cannot not do it!!!! Guess what... Two days before our anniversary I innocently asked where we wanted to go for dinner that day and he looked confused, asking “What’s on Thursday? Oh yeah, our anniversary... Well, I don’t know, do you have an idea?” I thought he was joking but no! He actually forgot and planned absolutely nothing... I started to cry and asked him “You’re not planning anything, are you?” He got angry and told me I was putting pressure on him and that yes it won’t be happening that day... I felt humiliated, I exploded asking him “Why? What game are you playing? You knew I was expecting it! Why?” He said he doesn’t have the time to plan it, that it takes time and voilà, just deal with it...

I was shocked, I felt like a piece of sh*t, stuck with a man who doesn’t care at all about what I want, about what I feel and dare use the lack of time excuse while he’s seating playing on his phone, reading and watching football with his pal as soon as he has a bit of free time. I felt completely down and alone. I told him I didn’t want it anymore, I wanted him to want it, to want me as his wife, to be excited about it, to be impatient to make it happen and instead I was with someone finding excuses and dragging his feet to do it. Later he came to talk to me, saying he understood, saying he was sorry to disappoint me and that he messed up, “I’ll make it up to you, I promise” I asked him “When? In one year? Six months?” he smirked and said “Not 6 months” and left me like that. It was last March.

Since then we went on holiday in Croatia and again I thought that maybeeee... But no. I kept my feelings inside to not put any pressure or nag him. I am very busy with our baby and don’t have much time for myself, I really suffer about it but do my best to keep a happy face and do everything in the house and for them.

I see him weeks after weeks spending his weekends in his books, on his phone or seeing his friend and I can’t help to think that he’s not planning anything. I don’t see him going out in his own in town (to jewellery shops for example) or planning a date night together by asking his parents to look after the baby so unless he’s very good at hiding, nothing will happen soon.

My only theory is that he waits for a specific date, our daughter first birthday in July or my birthday in September, which would ruin his “it won’t take 6 months” promise. It’s starting to turn me off.

Should I still expect something?

You told him you didn’t want to get married.

You haven’t told him you now DO want to get married; you’ve expected him to read your mind.

You both need to sit down and have an adult conversation about it.

Actually, it sounds more like he is 'future faking' just enough to keep you alongside.

Re-focus your energies elsewhere. I think that will get you the proposal you so desperately want at the moment - but, I also think that when he does there is a high risk (for him) that you will no longer be interested.

Should I still expect something?

No.

He clearly told you he didn't want to get married from the beginning. You agreed but then changed your mind. Rather than sit down and talk about it, you started to hint about what you wanted.

You need to decide whether to drop this issue or if it is a make or break for you.

Good luck

I don't think he wants to marry you

If you don't get married ever then do you still want to stay with him?

Unfortunately, you have given him the biggest gift a woman can give an unpleasant, selfish, lazy man - the power to make you turn somersaults and bark like a dog on command.
This is what it is when you make it clear that you are desperate for Him To Propose. He can jerk on your lead any time he wants, and keep you in this state of desperate anticipation for at least a couple of years. If he wants you to be nice to him, or let him do something he knows you disapprove of, he can hint that the Proposal might be on the way as long as you're nice. If you've annoyed him, or he thinks you might be waking up to his game, then he can throw in the 'I was going to PROPOSE but you spoiled it.'
When it gets to the point where he realises he's about to push you too far, then he will actually do it... because that gets him another year or two of not actually setting a date or making any wedding arrangements.

And, eventually, if he realises that you will do for a while longer, and he really can't be bothered to start dating all over again when you are there, and willing to service him in every way, he will actually go through with a wedding, but he still wins, because he can throw it at you in every single post-wedding argument - 'You were the one who wanted to get married!'

^ THIS THIS, A HUNDRED TIMES THIS^^

Why can't you have an adult conversation about it?

Posted too soon.

Have that adult talk. Tell him you have changed your mind. But don't expect him to stay. He was clear with you from the start. It's not his fault.

santa he was clear from the start?

where in the OP did you get that from?

I don't think he has been clear at all.

@flamingofridays

Long before we had our child he asked me what were my thoughts about marriage and I told him it wasn’t necessary for me, he simply said ok and we never talked about it again.

that's him saying ok to what op said though, that isn't him saying "I don't want to get married to you"

I guess we interpret that differently. I see that response from the OP as him hearing that marriage isn't important to her and that is then final for him. No marriage in their future.

wow you took a lot from "ok"

I would say that was him accepting what she said - to me it doesn't at all say I am never getting married

When he said OK, I took that to mean, 'Great, we are on the same page. I said I don't want to get married and you have agreed. Cool.'

I guess it shows just how much each of us interpret from any given situation.

Yeh, sadly i agree with ReanimatedSGB. I'd do the following things:

1. decide if you still want to marry him (because frankly, I wouldn't after all that bollocks from him!)

2. If yes, then decide if you only want to be with him if you get married

3. If yes, then inform him that you either set a (reasonable) date for a wedding or you're off

4. Marry on that date or leave him

And no, calling your partner out on his shit, having clear expectations, advocating for an equal relationship, and not tolerating game playing, does not make you "crazy", "obsessed", "desperate", or "hounding him". You don't need to "back off", "calm down", or "let him do it in his own time". But for anyone still wondering why women stay in relationships for so long without getting married if marriage is important to them, comments like this are why. Being made to feel like not just passively waiting for a proposal makes them look "crazy", is why.

But for anyone still wondering why women stay in relationships for so long without getting married if marriage is important to them, comments like this are why. Or, they could just propose themselves.

Thanks for all of your replies.

We had a serious conversation where I told him that I changed my mind, he even asked me why I wanted to marry him. I told him that I loved him, that I wanted to do the things properly, now that we have a child, I wanted all of us to have the same name, to call him my husband, to prove him once more that I want him and love him (I move to England for him). He said it agreed, that it was the right thing to do. So it sounds like he wants to do it.

The problem is that he tells me that but shows me a complete different story. He looks like he's dragging his feet. He knows it's hard for me to wait because I told him, I said "I don't want to put pressure on you but it's hard for me to wait, I know you didn't get it at that time but I am actually waiting since last September, I think about it everyday because the idea of being married together makes me happy, it's exciting and I am looking forward to it so I am impatient".
He to,d me he understood and that it will happen, in less than 6 months, which put the deadline to August.

I know there is still a couple of months until then where everything could happen. What worries me is that he tends to drag his feet for everything and we always end up doing on his terms: moving house, make a baby, plan weekends, etc. Maybe it sounds childish but I literally never do what I plan to do. Every time we agree on something he changes his mind or his plans, he suddenly decides to pop at his mate's house or whatever thing he decided to do instead and I end up following like a little dog. I told him that already, the "little dog" feeling and it said I was exaggerating, that he works hard enough during the week s the right to do what he wants during the weekends and yes I agree, I never control him and tell him what he has to do but still end up being treated like the "controlling" one. Reminds me of something...

In our getting engaged/married case I also told him that since the beginning it only has been arguing and stress and that I was sincerely ready to forget about all this proposal thing and just get married because this is what's important at the end. He told me "No, you would resent me if I don't propose" and I swore that I wouldn't because this is what I feel. It just turns me off to wait and argue all the time about that, there is nothing romantic about it anymore. So now even simply getting married just the two of us at the city hall is not an option because he's convinced that I would resent him forever. I am romantic and he's not but I know that, I don't try to change him, I actually try to adapt myself and what I want to it.

Two months ago, by cleaning he house, I found a scrapbook. I wasn't sneaking or what, I just found it in a pile of papers, I thought it was empty but it was his handwriting in it saying "Where it all began..." with plane tickets of when we first met 4 years ago, then two other phrases with blank spaces, I found that very cute and romantic, him making something by himself for us. I guessed it was his plan so I said nothing and put it back where I found it. Since then I haven't had a look at it until today, a hour ago, before I wrote this message and after reading your replies and nothing changed in the book.

I know it was a bad idea to have another look, that I should have leave it and just trust him but I needed to know. Since the beginning I feel like he's having fun of me, dragging his feet, telling me things to keep me waiting, promising me that he doesn't want to do. Seeing that book in the same state as 2 months ago with all the conversations we had I really wonder what game he's playing.

On Harry and Meghan's wedding day he turned the tv on, watching a bit of the programs talking about it, he said "God, Harry makes me look like a d*ck" and I asked "why is that?", he answered "well, they haven't been dating for very long" I was surprised but I said nothing then he added "now you're going to want to big wedding, it puts pressure on me" and that time I said to him "you know that I am very simple, I don't want a big wedding and spend a lot of money, I would like something simple, the city hall and have a party at home with family and friends would be all I want really" and he smiled.

And now I am just waiting. And I don't know what to think, believe him and wait or moving on. Let him do things on his terms, like for everything else or forget about this whole thing.

Do you WoH OP?

He doesn’t sound like a good DP IMO.

@Loopytiles I work at home, half time as I am looking after the baby.

OP, don't want to post too much personal info, but I can say that I could have written your message some years back. I too went through a number of opportunities when I believe my OH would proposed, didn't and left me doubting his intentions... until the one time I actually didn't put two and two together and he did... 9 months later!!

Like your OH, he'd been married before and although he had always wanted to marry me, he couldn't shake the anxiety of doing it again, especially when things were a bit tense between us. The moment he proposed, he relaxed, it was done and there was no going back. We've been married 5 years and happy.

I would look to return to work full time or close to full time. Unless you have plenty of your own money it’s very unwise to take the potentially massive personal financial risk of being PT when you’re not married. He became a parent too.

Your DP could go PT, or if you both work FT share parenting more fully.

You also need a plan B should he continue to let you down.

I literally never do what I plan to do. Every time we agree on something he changes his mind or his plans, he suddenly decides to pop at his mate's house or whatever thing he decided to do instead and I end up following like a little dog. I told him that already, the "little dog" feeling and it said I was exaggerating, that he works hard enough during the week s the right to do what he wants during the weekends and yes I agree, I never control him and tell him what he has to do but still end up being treated like the "controlling" one.

God, are you sure you want to marry him? He sounds really horrible!

@NordicNobody I am honestly wondering right now. That + the never coming proposal + the scrapbook, I am lost.