Starting over after 25 years

[Lily007]

I never gave a thought to the too precise info I was giving so I’ve had to hide my old thread. Is that the right thing to do?

I don’t know what I was thinking divulging so much personal info 🙈

I’lll continue to post on this new thread, as anyone who’s been contributing already knows the background so there’s no need for the history to be visible in any case.

Thank you to the poster who warned me 🙄

[northernlights0710]

Hi Lily,

I have been following your thread since the start. First of all, I just want to say how much I admire you, I think you are doing exactly the right thing and I think you are doing just great. I'm on the sidelines, cheering you on. You may feel like sit, but he doesn't know that. Good.

In terms of NC - I would be doing exactly the same. I would not want to give a cheating ex the satisfaction of knowing how I felt either, no matter how devastated I felt. In fact I have done this myself, and would do so again. There is a great deal of power in silence. Paradoxically, your silence says far more to him than a thousand words ever will.

And it will raise doubts in his mind. I suspect that your silence will at some point cause him to question his decision. If not now, then further down the line. I also believe there is a chance he may try to come back at some point in the future.

When you are out of this at the other side - and you will be - you will look back and be glad that you maintained your dignity.

Don't be too hard on yourself. You are grieving, and grief is not a linear process. It's like the tides coming in and out. It ebbs and flows.

It's probably not much of a comfort to know that you are going through a period of intense personal growth, which ultimately will make you a stronger, more compassionate and more insightful person, but which unfortunately is totally sht while you're going through it.

It is okay to feel sad, shocked, angry, confused, sentimental about the past, and all of the other contradictory feelings that follow. Don't fight try to fight them. Accept them.

They say that "To feel is to heal". Tears wash out stress hormones and other toxins associated with stress. They're literally a physical and emotional de-tox.

Right now you're wading through the fog of confusion, having had the rug pulled from under your feet. But a few years from now, you'll look back and see the situation much more clearly, and view your ex in a much less romantic light.

FWIW, his ridiculous and inappropriate behaviour posting on social media says far more about him than it says about you.

Keep on keeping on, Lily. I'm cheering you on from the sidelines.

[OohOohMrPeevly]

I'm cheering you on too Lily. I'm glad to hear you're joining the gym as exercise gives you endorphins and mental strength. You mentioned walking too and I wondered if you'd considered joining a local walking group as it's good to have company as it takes your mind off everything. Keeping busy really helps too and taking up new hobbies. Hopefully if you keep your mind occupied then you won't dwell on things and you'll go through periods where you don't think about him and OW for several hours. Anyway good luck - you sound really lovely and we're all rooting for you on here xx

[Lily007]

northernlights0710 and OohOohMrPeevly. Thank you both for the lovely and encouraging posts.

I’m feeling a bit better today thankfully and as I’ve said in previous posts, I’m absolutely determined to keep up NC for as long as possible, it’s the one aspect I have full control of and I have absolutely no need for contact in any case.

I too think H will be rather perplexed that I’ve done nothing as it won’t be what he expected and that knowledge gives me a little satisfaction.

I’ve downloaded a new book to my Kindle this morning and once I’ve done what I need to in the house, I’m going to settle myself in the garden to read. I find it really easy to distract myself when I’m engrossed in a book.

I related to Hannah (The Split on BBC1 last night), when her husband initially denied having been unfaithful but then, by digging, she discovered he was lying and he slowly admitted the affair. That was almost exactly my scenario 🙈

[Goldmonday]

Ahhh lily I know it's tough but why would you ever want to go on holiday again with a scumbag like this?

I know it's early days, but I truly do think when you meet someone else who treats you right you will realise that there was a lot more wrong with your relationship than you thought!

[Zaphodsotherhead]

I think it's natural to mourn for all the lovely things you did that you will never do again. When you're left, it's never just the man that you miss, is it? But you will do lovely things again, just in a different context.

Reading is good, it takes you away from yourself for a while. And every day that passes you will be just a tiny bit stronger. Enjoy your book!

[northernlights0710]

I think joining a walking group is a great idea. That's what I did when I moved to a new city and I made some good friends from it. It's so easy to meet new people this way and it might be nice to meet people who have nothing to do with your old life.

[toldmywrath]

Oh dear I've got The Split on my TiVo to catch up, still real life is more important Lily

I really admire your strength of character in maintaining no contact, definitely the way to go. I know that you want to know nothing about H and OW as it hurts , but it's still shows strength in being NC. If you see what I mean.

[PixieN]

Hey Lily, I’m another one cheering you on from the sidelines. I think you’re being amazingly strong through all this

If you enjoy reading, how about starting up a book club? I responded to an ad in my local supermarket from someone who was new to the area. I’ve met some lovely people & the lady who started it all has become a really good friend.

[Bluntness100]

Evening lily. How are you tonight?

[Dard]

Hope all ok

[Lily007]

Hiya. I’m okayish thanks.

I’ve had a few wobbles this evening because I can’t seem to switch my thoughts off. Honestly, it’s like I deliberately torture myself wondering what he’s doing, then I picture him and her together and I feel absolutely sick.

I just wish I could go to sleep for 6 months and wake up not caring what they’re doing.

Also, and I know this will sound ridiculous, but if I thought he wasn’t with her I don’t think I’d be as bothered. I suppose it’s the old saying, I don’t want him but I don’t want anyone else to have him either. That’s pretty pathetic isn’t it? Thinking that they’re both happy whilst I’m miserable drives me crackers.

[whatamistake]

Please don’t think it’s all roses for them....it might appear to be but behind the scenes it could well be a different story. Also, even if they are ‘happy’ it won’t last. Something will happen.

It’s hard with it being so raw but one day op you will stop feeling like the football being kicked around and start feeling like the foot that’s in control of it instead.

Time time time is what has to pass for you to feel better and recover x x x

[Bluntness100]

I'm not sure it will be all roses either.

Think about it. She's used to her own space. It's not s big space from what I can gather. She now has to adjust to him living there. That's not so easy in most cases.

In addition it will probably be cramped. He won't feel like it's his home, because it isn't. He will feel like a guest in her home. That's also not easy. Using her stuff, being in her space, sleeping in her bed.

Also you don't know how long they were together, but an affair and real life are very different things. The mundaneness of it. Tv at night, bills, cleaning, mess, grocery shopping.

Sure right now there will be a novelty. For both of them. But that wears off. As does the politeness, especially when washing his dirty underpants.If he's not living with her it will also be weird for him. He's not likely going to be staying in a great place due to cost.

Overall I don't you should be thinking this is all love, roses, nights out and rampant shagging, I suspect it's not quite as easy as that.

I'm not trying to suggest they will split up. I don't want to plant that thought Becayse it could lead to disappointment , but I am saying it isn't going to be all happy times.

[Lily007]

I’ve just laughed at your post Bluntness because when I first let H move in with me, I’d lived on my own with my son for 5 years. After about 3 weeks I told him he had to leave because he was too untidy and I’m a bit anal about my house being orderly! We split for about 2 weeks and when we started seeing one another again I didn’t let him move back in for about 2 months.

Also, because he goes to the gym 4 or 5 times a week and has work clothes and casual clothes he generates a huge amount of washing, drying and ironing. I hope she enjoys all those chores. I’ve certainly noticed how much less washing etc., I have since he moved out.

I know this is pure speculation but from photographs I saw of OW just after he left, it was apparent she wears very heavy make up especially a lot of very black eye liner. I hope she’s one of these women who doesn’t take her make up off properly at night because that’ll drive him mad eventually.

That’s how random my bloody thoughts are!!!

[Cary2012]

Lily, I didn't read your other thread, and have gleaned bits from this one.
It might help you to hear my story.
I split with my ex after twenty five years together, twenty of those married.
I went no contact, I was calm and serene on the surface and it irritated the hell out of him. You see, there was an OW, and I just let him go and ignored them both. I got promoted at work, I got our three teenagers through it, I served divorce papers a week after he left. Basically I blew the myth that I was an impossible, neurotic harpy that he had told everyone he simply had to leave in order to stop himself from cracking up, right out of the water. While he was telling everyone and OW how awful I was, I quietly showed everyone how strong and dignified I was.
OW is, apparently, obsessed with me. She can't accept that I could just let him go. Why? Because it proves what she knows herself deep down: a man who cheats on his wife and leaves his lovely kids is no catch at all. And if he did it to me, he'll do it to her.
Seven years later, the hurt has gone and we maintain a civilised friendship for the kids who are now adults. If he visits, as he recently did to see DS on his birthday, she is texting him every five minutes. She doesn't trust him. She doesn't understand how I am so detached, she thinks I want him.
Basically, the role they wrote for me, in their shabby little story, is one I rejected. His ego took a huge dent when I willingly let him go. Her jealousy consumes her.
I couldn't care less.
I've behaved admirably. I've done nothing wrong.
I think, when you're out the other side (and it's so early for you and you are doing so well) you'll feel like I do.
Good luck, I wish you well.

[Lily007]

Cary2012. Thanks for that. It’s nice to hear that you’ve come out the other side and with such dignity. That’s what I’m aiming for.

Whilst my best friend and all the amazing and supportive posters on here know how I’m really feeling, my hope is that H and OW are under the impression that I’m absolutely fine and just getting in with it.

[tootstastic]

Like this lily....

[tootstastic]

They think you're as cool as a cucumber and are probably totally baffled by it. Bravo!

[Helpimfalling]

I made a big mistake I went on you tube and was scrolling down and our song came up
I listened too it big mistake it's
Iris I've cried all night I've even called him to no avail and sent him the link to the song

I'm so utterly broken I'm struggling to even type to even breath

How can he do this

I know I sound like a freak I'm just so broken

[tootstastic]

Helpimfalling sorry to hear you've had such a difficult night not sure you meant to post on this thread?

[Helpimfalling]

@tootstastic sorry I know I'm on Lilly's thread it's just I know she knows what I'm going through and felt so alone

[tootstastic]

Oh I'm so sorry helpimfalling, you sounded so distressed, I just didn't want to read and run if you'd meant to post on a different

Have you managed any sleep? I would forget contacting him last night and mentally start afresh today.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

Helpimfalling I think it's fine. You NEED to cry. To grieve and mourn and sob, it helps to get the emotion out. Don't worry about sending the links to him, he won't be bothered.

Lily I hope your outcome can be like Cary2012 s. It sounds as though that's the attitude you're after, subverting all the 'oh, I had to leave, she's insane' stuff that your XH is no doubt feeding everyone.

Because he must be telling them something. He's never going to say 'yeah, I'm a shit, I just wanted to put it about without her finding out, but she did and she has dignity so I had to go'. I'd love to hear how he's spinning your continued NC and apparent non-caring!

[Lily007]

Aw Helpimfalling I’m so sorry to hear that you’re feeling so sad. I know exactly how you’re feeling. My H always said his song to me was John Legend’s “All of me loves all of you”. It came on the radio when I was in my car on Monday and although I immediately changed channel, it shook me and saddened me 😥. I hope you can pick yourself up and dust yourself down today 🤞.

I don’t feel too bad today although he’s still the last thing on my mind before I go to sleep and the first thing I think of when I wake up. I really do wish I could stop thinking about him but, as everyone on this thread says, it’s just time.

I’ve been keeping a journal since the day H left and I find it really therapeutic writing in it most days. I detail how I’m feeling and when I feel I want to say something to him, I write it down. I hope nobody ever reads it as they’d think I was an absolute psycho 🤪

Here’s to getting through another day 😊

[Lily007]

OMG. I’ve just had a knock at the door and I could see it was the postman.........my heart was hammering in my chest and I’m surprised my legs got me to the door they were shaking that much! I thought “here goes papers I need to sign for”. It was a packet for the next door neighbour who’s out.

Honestly, I nearly smacked the sodding postman 🙈