Starting over after 25 years

[Lily007]

I never gave a thought to the too precise info I was giving so I’ve had to hide my old thread. Is that the right thing to do?

I don’t know what I was thinking divulging so much personal info 🙈

I’lll continue to post on this new thread, as anyone who’s been contributing already knows the background so there’s no need for the history to be visible in any case.

Thank you to the poster who warned me 🙄

[purplelass]

Honestly, I nearly smacked the sodding postman

Aww, bless you... living on your nerves isn't much fun is it? Time for a cuppa methinks?

[Lily007]

Hi Tootstastic. Only just noticed your post with the little quote. It’s really made me laugh because it’s absolutely spot on 😂

Helpimfalling. Are you okay? Sending you massive hugs 🤗

[tootstastic]

It really made me chuckle and thought you might like it...you haven't lost your sense of humour lily x

[MeMyShelfandIkea]

Lily007 I really like this point that Cary2012 made yesterday: "Basically, the role they wrote for me, in their shabby little story, is one I rejected."

I've been seeing a counsellor for relationship issues (different situation though) and he said something very similar. Basically I'd been living life according to someone else's script, not only that but it was a bit part! So what you are doing to your ex's script by going NC is ad-libbing, this will certainly be throwing him and OW (who I bet has been fed the controlling and/or crazy ex line they all get given). In time you'll be writing and directing your own script for your life.

You are doing incredibly well

[Lily007]

MeMyShelfandIkea. Thanks for that, it really lifts me when someone says what I’m doing is the right thing so I’ll just keep on keeping on.

I am, I’ll admit, a fairly fiery person and for that reason I’m sure H will have expected me to make trouble but I’m determined to do precisely the opposite of what expects if there’s a chance it’ll piss him off.

[MeMyShelfandIkea]

Definitely, you know what they say, the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference.

I wish I had a fast forward button for you, it's all very well us reassuring you that you'll come out the other end stronger and ultimately happier without your dick of an ex dragging you down but it's hell whilst you're living through it (or should that be chalant?!)

[Lily007]

Yes MeMyShelfandIkea. It is pretty horrible most of the time but I do have some not so bad days.

Today, I’ve had to book my car in for its MOT, which he always sorted out for me, so that’s a bit of a bummer but I’ve done it and it’s being done next Wednesday morning.

My son rang me earlier for a chat and when I came off the phone, just for a split second, I thought “I must tell H that”. When I have these moments it really sickens me all over again. I was wondering does anyone think he’ll have moments where he thinks he wants tell me something or is that just wishful thinking?

I find it so difficult sometimes, not being able to chat to him, he was my best friend for 25 years but however difficult it is, I know I must maintain radio silence.

[tootstastic]

I'm sure he does have those moments* too lily* and I imagine he'll also have huge tinges of regret. He didn't intend to lose you after all, he wanted his cake and to eat it too and that all went tits up for him when you caught him out. I bet that cake doesn't taste so good now...let's hope he's choking on it!

[tootstastic]

Bold fail

[Bluntness100]

Hey lily

I think he will have moments where he thinks of you with either sadnes, regret or guilt. He probably won't admit it, but he will have those moments. He will also have moments where he thinks about how you would react to something. It's impossible not to.

It's hard to guess what's going through someone's mind when they pull shit like this. Your no contact stance will have him stumped. It puts the ball firmly in his court. No matter what he posts on social media, and how goady he is about his new relationship , you're clearly not moving to divorce him for adultery.

So I suspect he's thinking about what to do about it. At some point the two of you need to come to some arrangement and I suspect that's on his mind a lot also. How the heck to deal with it.

Ending a relationship doesn't mean you just forget that person. Not after 25 years. Right now I think you're both in a bit of a stale mate situation if I'm honest. Because both of you have went no contact. And that benefits you much more than him, from your reputation to your finances, and I suspect he's starting to realise that.

[Cary2012]

Lily,
Don't be cool and dignified to piss him off.
Be cool and dignified because that is your authentic self.
Whoever said up thread that indifference, not hate, is the opposite to love has hit the nail on the head.
I feigned indifference whilst inside I was riding an emotional rollercoaster.
Then one day, I simply was indifferent.
It takes time. No contact worked for me because I healed at my own pace and found me again. The relief was immeasurable.
Sod what he thinks, what he might be feeling. Focus on your journey and thank your lucky stars that you have this chance of happiness.
And the best advice I was given in those early raw and dark days: treat yourself as you would your best friend.

[Lily007]

Cary2012. Yes I know indifference is the ultimate aim and if/when I eventually have any contact with H, that’s the image I’ll portray even if I’m dying inside.

My main reason for NC is for my own sanity but if it does piss him off, so much the better.

I have a friend who used to work in the same place as OW and I saw her yesterday whilst I was out shopping. I gave her the impression I was doing just fine and told her I hadn’t spoken with H at all and I wasn’t interested in what he was up to. My friend said she understood and agreed with my approach but also added H may get a shock down the line, she said OW isn’t averse to the odd one night stand - apparently this was why her last relationship ended!

Karma may just bite H on the arse.

[Dard]

Lets hope so Lily

[fannycraddock72]

I didn’t manage to read your original post but have spent the last hour reading through all the comments here.

Like many I’ve been through what you are going through right now and it’s tough, toughest thing I’ve ever had to deal with.

Firstly you are doing absolutely the right thing of going no contact, your son is grown up and is not related to your twat of an XH so you don’t have to do the co-parenting that many of us have to cope with. I would add that if you do have to have contact with the XH adopt the ‘Grey rock’ technique..polite but business like and show no emotion.

The speed in which he’s discarded you and moved on so quickly and his lack of empathy is so very familiar. There’s a lot around on the internet about narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and the links that has with cheating. It took me a year or more to finally realise that my ex displayed some strong narcissistic traits, and the main bit of advice I received from my counsellor to dealing with these types was ‘no contact’.

The scary thing was that she explained to me about narcissism, she couldn’t say whether or not my ex had a full blown personality disorder but she certainly said that they come in many shapes and sizes, male and female, overt and covert. They thrive off attention, both good and bad. It’s like a drug to them, they need a supply and when they have their shiny new supply (ow) they no longer need you (discard). They may well be a backlash at you in the future, he may provoke you into a response, your instinct will be to defend yourself..if that happens keep being your dignified self and don’t react, maintain no contact. Have a read about narcissism, it was a true light bulb moment for me and enables me to know what I was dealing with and how to deal with a disordered person.

I would also recommend a book called ‘leave a cheater, gain a life’ by Tracey Schorn aka The Chump Lady. //www.chumplady.com read her blog, join the forum it’s been a great help for me.

Keep doing what you are doing, the bad days become less and less over time, keep your head held high and look forward to a cheater free life.

X

[Lily007]

Hi fannycraddock72. Thank you so much for reading this thread and taking the time to post.

My friend actually said she thought H had narcissistic traits and I have therefore read quite a bit about narcissism and I agree.

Thing is, as well as this, his behaviour is also stereotypical of midlife crisis. He’s become obsessed with the gym and his appearance and, over the past 18 months, has had various tattoos (full sleeves on both arms and one on his chest). Also about a month before he left, I discovered he was taking steroids, both pills and intramuscular!

One way or another he has become pretty messed up.

I have some fairly horrible days and some not too bad days but maintaining no contact becomes easier as each day passes. I too think he will eventually do something to try to get my attention and, hopefully, I’m prepared for it and when it happens I will give the appearance of being indifferent no matter how difficult the situation is. I can fall apart afterwards if necessary.

I’ve noticed how much better I feel every day that I don’t hear anything about him and OW so the longer it lasts, the better I feel.

Thank you for the advice 😘

[fannycraddock72]

Mmm another sign of narcissism it’s all about appearance, the gym, tats and steroids.. they hate the thought of aging and getting old. My ex was pretty much the same with appearance, Botox, fake tan, but not quite as extreme as taking steroids! (Which is also another form of cheating).

If he is a narc he will only get worse as he gets older. They hate the fact that time is catching up with them.

My counsellor once explained to me that these types of people need a good wife/husband/person in their life to keep up the false image they have...people will look at them and say he must be a good person he has a good wife (that’s you lily). They wear a mask but underneath it all the lack a soul and sense of self, they need other people around them to fill the empty hole that inside them. If they ever stoppped and took the time to deal who they really are it would terrify them.

They can’t be fixed, they don’t see that there is anything wrong with them to be fixed. You have a new chance in life, set firm boundaries like NC.

[Lily007]

Fannycraddock72. That’s really interesting.

One thing that does puzzle me though is his choice of OW. H is 55, she’s 51 (but looks older) and whereas he wears fairly expensive and good quality clothes, she wears cheap and poor quality clothes. I’ve also been told by the friend I spoke with yesterday that she’s quite rough and has been known to fight when drunk. Sounds delightful doesn’t she? She doesn’t seem to fit the image he would normally want to portray.

As I’ve said, I feel I am able to cope whilst I don’t know what they’re up to and I can only do that by maintaining NC. I’ve come off all social media and told everyone I know that I’m not interested in what he does.

I’ve had a fairly relaxed 2 or 3 days actually, let’s hope it continues and he doesn’t feel the need to twist the knife for a while 🤞

[Dard]

There is an interesting thread on chumplady about men downgrading he obviously has!!

[tootstastic]

I agree that OW doesn't sound like the choice of woman you'd expect....they normally go for much younger women for an ego boost. I just think he's jumped for the first woman to pay him any attention and he's just lapped it up. Sad.

[Lily007]

Thanks Dard I’ll have a look for the article.

Yes Tootstastic seems that way 🙄.

[Lily007]

Hi Dard. Just read an article on Chumplady, saying that cheaters never trade up!

Don’t know if it’s the article you were referring to but it made really good reading. I can relate to so many of the comments too, so funny 😂

[Bluntness100]

Lily, I have to be honest and I get you won't like it, but he sounds much "rougher" than she does, by a long way. From him threatening your boss onwards.

The cost of someones clothes is not relevant. She works and pays for herself and likely can't afford expensive clothes. There is no shame in that, That doesn't make someone rough. There is a high chance the fighting when drunk is exaggerated as it's gossip , but let's be honest he's prone to a bit of it himself.

I would honestly say from what you've described so far, he is by far the rougher of the two. I would focus on him and his faults and not hers. You don't know her, and her financial status, or how expensive her clothes are, doesn't indicate who she is. His behaviour indicates who he is though, Because that's facts you know, and honestly you should focus on that not her. 💐

[Lily007]

Mmm Bluntness. Sorry but I have to disagree with you on this one.

The information I have gleaned is not gossip. I KNOW that she regularly goes to a local bar which has a very poor reputation for over 40’s women looking to hook up with anyone they can.

I’m not defending H, he’s proved himself to be a total twat, however, she’s a tart and there’s no doubt about that. I have information, not hearsay, to prove my assertions. I will, for the time being, keep them to myself because I’m certain H will discover her past for himself, eventually, it doesn’t appear to be any great secret.

As with past posts where I’ve vented about her being a whore, I’m entitled to my opinion. I would never, under any circumstances, become involved with a married man and, whilst I know H is the guilty party for cheating on me, she should never have entertained him! So I’m sorry but I think however I choose to describe her is justified!

[Lily007]

Sorry Bluntness. Your post has really upset me!

This isn’t the first time you’ve posted defending OW.

She’s a cheap, nasty skank and she doesn’t deserve any consideration.

As I’ve said, H was the attached party but who’s to say if she wasn’t so willing to drop her knickers, this horrible nightmare that’s currently my life, may never have materialised.

Yes, H may have pissed off with someone else eventually but we’ll never know, will we?

I’m sure you’ve gleaned I’m really not happy at the moment.

[eightfacesofthemoon]

I think you’re being a bit harsh on bluntness. But I can understand why you’re upset.
You’re going through lots of emotions, bluntness is trying to make you concentrate on what is not good about your DH and that your focus should be on how he has behaved to you. Not her behaviour, not that it doesn’t count how she’s behaved, but that’s a different layer of the story.

But I understand how that is hard that is to do.
But she has been very supportive of you, try not to forget that, I’m sure she knows how upset you are and how hard it all is for you. X