Starting over after 25 years

[Lily007]

I never gave a thought to the too precise info I was giving so I’ve had to hide my old thread. Is that the right thing to do?

I don’t know what I was thinking divulging so much personal info 🙈

I’lll continue to post on this new thread, as anyone who’s been contributing already knows the background so there’s no need for the history to be visible in any case.

Thank you to the poster who warned me 🙄

Anyway Lily good luck, I will look in on this thread sometime in future and really hope all is resolved.

As for earlier OW question, she will never really be able to trust him so you will have the last laugh with that. It will come between them, karma will happen. But I’m the best possible outcome by then you won’t care as you will have got your life together and moved on.

To be fair on this one lily he can start divorce proceedings if he goes for unreasonable behaviour. He could make up all manner of shit and it would cost a bomb to defend. Shitty but there it is. 😔

Hi Bluntness. No he won’t attempt divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour! He knows that I have a very good family solicitor who’s a good friend AND also a shit hot barrister who I’ve known for years.

Also, I’m not going to go into any detail, but he won’t cross me financially because I can destroy him 😬

On these issues I would be the victor 😜

Glad to find your new thread. I'm sorry yesterday was a rough day for you. Hopefully today will be better. Do you have any plans?

Must have already applied for new passport that's why he left the other one when he collected his things. Hope you have a better day today get out and enjoy the beautiful weather.

Morning OP,

Hope you're as ok as can be.
I'm in awe of the strength your showing, so level headed. I probably would've been the complete opposite and shown them both a new level of craziness

Keep doing what your doing!

Morning lily. And that's good! Maybe that's why he hasn't acted. At least that's one thing you don't have to worry about.

You have something on him? Curious. 🤣

Lol yes Bluntness

I’m feeling a little better today thank you. I have a hospital appointment this morning and then I’m calling to see my friend afterwards for an hour or so.

I’ve been reading quite a bit over the past few days in an effort to stop thinking about things. I’m my own worst enemy when it comes to going over things in my mind.

It’s really odd because if I thought he was no longer seeing OW, I really wouldn’t care what H was doing. It’s as if I don’t want him but I don’t want anyone else to have him!

Another good day is a positive plus you're busy so less time to think about it and brood about it.

It is weird though. The fact he's not been in touch. Still paying mortgage and bills without comment. I know he can't stop or it would be repossessed, but still, you'd think he'd want to come to an arrangement. I wonder if he just can't face you? Too ashamed.

Mmm who knows Bluntness. I’ve given up trying to second guess him now.

None of this horrible situation makes any sense. I’m just glad I’ve got another month’s grace.

Off to my appointment now.

Have a good day y’all 😉

Its going to get worse before it gets better

I'm wondering if the payments just come out of his account on a DD and he's either forgotten about it or can't quite be bothered to do anything about it yet. If he's consciously having to make payments every month then yes, that's odd.

Or maybe he just wants to look like 'the reasonable one' when the shit hits the fan (not that it will if you keep up the NC. But I bet he wants to look like 'the good guy' to the OW).

Dard. That comment seems a bit random!

Is it meant to prepare me or worry me?

Can you, maybe, elaborate?

Zaphodsotherhead. The payments are made by standing order and he won’t have just forgotten to cancel it.

He may well be continuing the payments to look like he’s being reasonable. I really don’t give a toss what his motives are, provided the payments continue 🤞.

As I said in an earlier post, I’m done trying to understand anything he does as I can’t make sense of any of it 😔

You are right about trying to second guess him. Is wasted energy and better for you to focus elsewhere.

Did he have to ask for his passport for the trip btw ?

Oh that's an interesting question on the passport. Never thought of that.

Was everything ok at the hospital?

Mentioned re passport earlier post today, must have applied for new one, why he left other one when he collected his things. Unless he snook into house!

Hi MsPavlichenko and Bluntness.

No, he didn’t call to the house for his passport, obviously got a new one! My DIL actually said I should ring the Border Patrol to say he’d left the country but his passport was still here 😜..... she was joking by the way, but it would have been funny if he’d been detained in Spain 😂.

Yes, thanks Bluntness hospital appointment was fine 👍. I called to see my friend afterwards and we had a nice relaxing chat and lunch in the garden.

As you’ll probably have gathered, I’m feeling much better today although the comment made earlier this evening by Dard has unnerved me a little 😬.

Yeah, I'm not sure why dard said that, I guess maybe the divorce, moving house or whatever, but maybe those things will occur when you feel much stronger and not in the near future. I'd focus on now and not stress about it.

He is a twat your ex though, I mean why leave his passport. He could have taken it and destroyed it himself if he had a new one. Why take it out and leave it if it was just rubbish. I suspect he's playing mind games. He wanted you to wonder. Wonder why he left it, wonder if he'd come back and get it. There was no need for him to do that.

I agree Bluntness. I’d put the passport on top of all his post and he’d left it on top of a chest of drawers. I think he left it as a message that he didn’t need it as he’d got a new one! It shows what an imbecile he is though because I’d have taken the old passport and destroyed it. He’s clearly lied on his application for a new passport.

He’s just a bloody knob and a right know it all!

I really wish I could maintain my current state of mind. It’d make things so much easier 🙄

Hi Lily.

I do admire the dignified way in which you are conducting yourself. I, like you, am all for maintaining control in any possible way when change affecting my life is brought about by someone other than me.

On that note, I am writing a brief message to alert you to the fact that the definition of 'unreasonable behaviour' grounds has very much changed and that he would not be required to come up with anything much...

I know this first hand because I divorced my ex-husband on these grounds. He did nothing wrong. He is a kind and very decent man but I simply did not love him any more.

I struggled to come up with an example of his supposedly 'unreasonable behaviour' until my lawyer showed me examples from other cases... I was shocked.

People divorced on unreasonable behaviour grounds bringing up that their spouse snored. That they refused to socialise with their friends. That they did not water the plants. That they wanted or not wanted a pet. Whatever. I am not lying to you!

Eventually all I mentioned as an example of his 'unreasonable behaviour' was that he insisted in spending the holidays with his family and that bothered me. That was it. The court divorced us, no questions asked.

I know that this is difficult, but if you wish to remain in control, you may wish to consider that he may divorce you on 'unreasonable behaviour' grounds.

Sorry.

Yes. I was going to post something similar re unreasonable behaviour I'm afraid. Best to be prepared. I know you are in no rush, but it may well be worth considering seeing a lawyer sooner rather than later to look at options.

The more control you are able to take for yourself the better, both in terms of securing the best outcome, and in how you will feel. It's worth considering you moving things on yourself. In my opinion it will be far better if you serve him with papers rather than the other way around.

I think Dard probably meant that the initial shock and surviving and being strong is a bit like adrenaline, and you might find it gets a lot tougher when you come down (as such) before it gets properly better.
I wouldn’t take it in a negative way.

Lily007 I too have been following both of your posts and the inspirational responses you receive at times. I know it's no comparison for the years you were together but I too recently found out that my husband of nearly 5 years (together for 14 years) chose the OW over me and our 3 year old son. I am absolutely heart broken and a times struggle to make any sense out it. I never had your strength to stay NC but every time I let him back in a little bit, he seemed to destroy it even more as he won't let her go and it takes me to a new low. At times I can't comprehend what he has done and how he has chosen such a cheap looking tart over me and our son.
Sometimes when I can't sleep (like last night!) as I'm awake overthinking what they are upto (silly I know but I can't help torment myself at times) I read your posts and it's nice to know that I'm not alone and however shit this is someone else is going through it too.

I wonder what address he gave for his new passport.

And on the same vein, if Lily were to serve divorce papers on him, wouldn't an address be needed?