Starting over after 25 years

[Lily007]

I never gave a thought to the too precise info I was giving so I’ve had to hide my old thread. Is that the right thing to do?

I don’t know what I was thinking divulging so much personal info 🙈

I’lll continue to post on this new thread, as anyone who’s been contributing already knows the background so there’s no need for the history to be visible in any case.

Thank you to the poster who warned me 🙄

[Thebluedog]

I think he has to make out she’s the love of his life, regardless of how he actually feels.Lily as you’ve said previously, he has a very large ego and has to look his best to the outside world. You’ve already dented his ego by not begging him to come home, not even a text, add that to the fact that it’s obvious you won’t have him back, by you going NC, he’ll look a complete twat to everyone who knows him if he’s left you for a quick shag and lost everything. He has to make it look like an amazing relationship now to save face

[butterbeansandbreadcrumbs]

Hi Lily! Hope you're enjoying the sunshine?

In regards to what you've been pondering this afternoon - I think he decided he wanted more attention and ego massaging (not saying you didn't give him enough, more that he was greedy/classic insecure mid-life crisis/narcissistic), hence the affair. I either think that:

1. He never thought you would find out and believed he would be able to 'have his cake and eat it", with both you and OW.
   
2. He either half meant for you to find out (by almost deliberate clumsiness), to prompt you into begging him to leave her/stay/tell him your life depends on him etc, (again, feeds into his narcissistic traits, he needs to have his ego massaged by you doing the "pick me" dance, making him feel needed/wanted). He probably is deluded and arrogant enough to think that this would actually be your reaction.
   

If it is the second option, then you going NC would really be pissing on his bonfire right now and his IG and FB posts, which he knows must be getting to you in some way or another, are increasingly trying to make you jealous and provoke a reaction.

I don't think OW is the love of his life, I think (to him) she's "good enough for now" and he's going to use the time with her also to try and get back at you for bruising his ego and not begging him to stay.

Just my two cents (I could well be very off though).

[butterbeansandbreadcrumbs]

must be getting to you in some way or another

Meant to type, must be getting back to you.

[Lily007]

Thanks everyone for your advice today. Been a difficult day but feeling calmer this evening thanks to all the kind posts.

Summer. His DD’s haven’t been on the scene for a while. He did try to re-connect with them about 9 years ago but they were only interested in trying to rinse him for money! No idea if he’s back in contact with them again.

[Summerynights1]

I suppose I’m trying to ask if his attitude to them suddenly changed too. Did they leave for a particular reason? Did he try and keep in touch with them? What did he say and do when they left? It seems very odd that it’s more than nine years since he had any contact with them and so it might give you clues about his current thought process.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

Sorry I'm late, i've been at work! Good to see that you are a bit more able to laugh off some of his stupider excesses, Lily. I agree with the others that he is over-egging the pudding with his tattoo - he absolutely has to believe that OW is the total love of his life otherwise he'd have to admit to himself that he's made a stupid mistake.

He actually sounds really immature. Throwing his lot so totally in with someone he hardly knows - surely he understands that to love someone takes a lot longer than a few months? That what he is in is giddy infatuation, and once that wears off there doesn't seem to be a whole lot in common to base a relationship on? Ah well, he'll find out...

But when you were together, did he behave like a grown up? Or were you the sane and sensible one who kept things together? Maybe he's in a 'now mummy's gone, I can stay up all night and eat pizza!' phase (trademarked, because it seems to be what a lot of them go through).

[Bluntness100]

Morning

His children went no contact with him? Since living there for most of their childhood? What happened to cause that if you don't mind me asking, where did they go at 16?

When children of that age cut contact with a parent, I'm afraid to say it says something about the parent lily. It's rare the children are at fault.

[AgathaF]

I agree, she's not the love of his life. She's very far from that but he's got to convince everyone, and even more importantly himself that she is. He knows he's going to look like a complete idiot otherwise. So that's what the SM posts and tattoo are about. He's also going to have to try to mould himself around her expectations too, and perhaps that's even a novelty for him for the moment, but he's got to keep her onside for now.

It's interesting about his daughters. Did he remove himself, or allow them to remove themselves, from his life as ruthlessly as he's moved away from you? If so, that shows a particular type of character that can really take compartmentalising to a high level.

His ego must be crushed that you've not begged him to come back. Really crushed. So I think there is a degree of deliberate rubbing your nose in it, for punishment and to try to provoke a reaction. His deluded self doesn't realise though, that all he is doing is making himself look like a foolish, mid-life crisis man.

I also think it's really strange that he's not been in touch to sort out finances, the house etc. Why? If he was genuinely blissfully happy with OW then I'm fairly sure he would be wanting to get his finances sorted and chuck his lot in with her. He's not done that though. Is he pretending this whole sorry mess isn't happening? Is he holding out hope that he can come home? Is he shit scared to move this forward now? The no contact can't continue indefinately. This stuff has to be sorted, so why isn't he taking steps to sort it?

I wonder if, thinking back, you can now see some unpleasant character traits that were always evident, but not so obvious at the time as they weren't aimed at you. The lack of contact with his own daughters? Perhaps his need to be seen to be doing well, look good?

Anyway, I hope you have a good week and continue to grow stronger daily. FWIW I think it's done you good to now know a little of what he's doing.

[Lily007]

Morning.

I can’t really go into the reasons his DD’s left, save to say their DM abandoned them and they then came to live with us. However once they became teenagers, the trouble they got into was unbelievable. Trouble which involved police etc., neither wanted to face any consequences and left after living with us for 10 years to live with alcoholic DM, thus enabling them to run wild without consequences. XH did try for a long time to help them, to no avail.

I can’t say I ever noticed any unpleasant character traits, he was generally very kind, always ready to help wherever he could. He and my DS were incredibly close and chatted every day.

He’s changed so much, he’s unrecognisable, which is why I can’t get my head around his behaviour over the past 4 months.

I know the financial issues need to be settled but I’m not going to be the one to instigate the discussions. I’m happy to leave things as they are for as long as possible. The ball’s firmly in his court in this regard.

Oddly enough, for the first 3 days of his holiday he was apparently battering IG and FB but since he posted the ‘tatt” photo on Saturday, nothing more! I’m wondering whether perhaps one of the WhatsApp group have had a pop at him!

[Lily007]

Just been told OW has posted a photograph of XH and her on her FB page - she's not used FB since October last year. Someone has commented "is that the new fella" she's replied "yes he's the love of my life"!!!!

I could cheerfully smash both their faces in at this moment! Her FB isn't private and I was sorely tempted to comment "even though he's still married to someone else?". I didn't though.

I have to say, the photo isn't a particularly good one, they both look pretty rough but of course all her FB friends are making comments like "looking good you two", "so glad for you OW, you really deserve happiness" - what??? not with my fucking husband she doesn't!

As you will glean, I'm not a happy bunny .......... again!!!!!

Aaaaannnnnd breeeeeaaaathe!

[tootstastic]

No one could blame you for not being a happy bunny lily....the brass neck on that pair!! Most people would try to keep a low profile after having an affair that breaks up a marriage. I think there must be something distinctly wrong with both of them!!

That kind of 'love of my life' type language isn't how intelligent adults speak publicly. It's the kind of thing you might say when confiding in a best friend, but not on bloody facebook! Cringe city!

I also wondered about why he hasn't been so spiteful with the finances (yet anyway!), when he's been so downright awful about flaunting the OW. It does seem strange, but long may it last!

[Lily007]

Hi Toots. I suspect as her FB account isn’t private, the comment is intended to reach me.

I also think he’s hoping that I’ll get so pissed off I’ll contact him which will then provide him with the perfect opportunity to address the house/finances etc.

It won’t work though, I’m doing nothing!

[tootstastic]

You might be right, maybe they are trying to provoke a reaction.

Good for you sitting tight...I hope it is driving them crazy!

[Worzels]

Urgh. They deserve each other. Stay strong Lily.

[Bluntness100]

I'd agree, don't comment. It's all very immature given their ages.

They are though acting like two people who don't need to keep a secret any more, who want to tell the world.

It's unpleasant behavuour.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

Don't reply, they are trying to smoke you out so they can target their vitriol at you.

I always say, you can't punch a marshmallow - you can't fight against someone who doesn't fight back, so by keeping quiet you remove any ammunition they wanted to use.

And all this 'love of my life' crap? They barely know one another! It's hardly enough to base a flatshare on, let alone sharing of bodily fluids! Real life will bite their arses soon enough - very easy to be madly in love when it's all going out drinking and holidays, it's a lot harder when it's D&V bugs, shortage of money and arguing over toilet rolls...

[Lily007]

D&V bugs???? Enlighten me 🤔

[Zaphodsotherhead]

Once you've seen someone head down in the toilet vomiting as hard as they can, whilst the other end squirts out noxious substances, the shine tends to wear off...

[Bluntness100]

vomiting and diarrhoea..

[Lemonyknickers]

Been following from the beginning, like others I admire your strength, being strong even when you feel anything but is amazing.
If she's had to resort to her open FB account to try and get to you it makes you wonder if she's starting to value her prize a little less. Some women love to 'win' over other woman but because you are not fighting for him she can't feel smug she's won. I'm sure she would love you to respond, and the fact you won't will just work the dissatisfaction in a bit further.

[Sunflowersforever]

How childish, to make such a cringing comment. Love of my life, my arse.

To post such a goady comment for all the orcs to comment on sorry, but what sort of friends has she got.

The message is clear, surround the wagons and keep to no contact, no comment, and no way hose.

Keep strong. He's made a huge mistake

[Zaphodsotherhead]

I wonder if you could get a friend to trawl back through OW's FB page and see if she posts pictures of all her 'men friends' and what she says about them.

If your XH is the only man she's posted about, then she's deffo posting to get a reaction from you. If she posts about all of her conquests being 'the new man' and 'the love of her life' well...

[Summerynights1]

Lily thanks for telling us about DDs. It’s still not clear what happened but it seems he did try hard to help them after they left. It’s still a major life event to lose touch with your children. I wonder if he feels guilty they left or blames you for it (however it happened). Also there is very little mention of the test of his family or his own friends - do you think he is still in contact with them and they are supporting him, have you had a good relationship with them too? I ask because it’s often a build up of reasons and resentments that suddenly come to the surface once one thing happens.

[Whocansay]

I think there's a good chance she'll dump him when they get home. All this FB stuff is WAY too much.

It can't be nearly as exciting as when they were sneaking round behind your back, and now they are getting no reaction from you. She's probably wondering why you aren't fighting for the 'prize'. She's had her holiday. Why would she bother after they get home?

You will be driving them utterly batshit with your silence. I bet your ex is miserable as sin.

[Lily007]

Hi

Zaph. There’s very little on her FB account. I’ve looked at it because it’s not private. As I say the last post was October last year.

Summer. I can’t really comment further re DD’s.

They will not get a reaction from me whatever tactics they use. I’m fully expecting an engagement photo next at this rate 🙄🙈